Bitch, please! Once is enough
Dear Nikki Reed,
I know you’re probably pretty bummed that Rob’s been in town since Tuesday and hasn’t called you yet. I wouldn’t take it too personally. He just got here and he needs to get fitted for his tux, try on his shoes, shave, unpack his one pair of pants and black shoes, grab some in-and-out, pleasure theMoonisDown (& wish it was me), etc. etc. He’s keeping a pretty tight schedule.
I’m gonna take a wild guess at what you were expecting to happen with Rob in town, and well, he isn’t going there, girl. I’m not sure what happened the first time around, back on some drunken night in Portland, but I do know Rob isn’t doing it again.
Those were the days when he “couldn’t get a date” and was “fat” and “lived in a crack flat with TomStu.” Now he can “get lots of dates”, is “in no way fat” (only delicious) and, well, I guess he potentially still does live in that crack flat with TomStu, but that’s besides the point. You’re just not necessary. I know you thought you were- but that one time was just that- one time. And it only happened b/c you stumbled into his room, drunk, and he thought it would be more interesting than “playing his own trumpet” that night.
That’s it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Round Two is a no-go.
"I know you want this"
You’re busy though, right? Since you’re such a brilliant actress, you really have to start working on your craft again.. it’s going to take WEEKS to perfect your steely Rosalie glare (if you can even perfect it). Plus, being the world’s most perfect fake-lesbian with Kristen really is an all-consuming activity.
Even if he wanted you, you just wouldn’t have time for Rob (and just as a reminder, he doesn’t want you)
Love,
UnintendedChoice
Thanks to my late night IMing partner, you know who you are, for all the help, all the time. “We did it, we hit it, it was whack” I’d like to be a fake lesbian with you. XO
Filed under: Kristen, Nikki Reed, Rosalie, Taylor Lautner, Twilight | Tagged: fake lesbians, Kristen Stewart, lesbian, nikki reed, nikki reed and robert pattinson hook-up, portland, Robert Pattinson, robert pattinson in LA |
Letters to Twilight 
WHAT???!!! What do you mean?! One time. One time what?
No…he…no. Just no.
Round Two is a no-go, fo sho.
I’m gonna get all ghetto here and say, “Word to ya mutha.” Seriously. This is spot-on. Brilliant.
I hope she reads it. Love you, NReed…but all’s fair in love and war, especially when it comes to Twilight. Like Edward, we fight hard against evil vamps, horny werewolves, and wanna-be starlets.
Ahem.
Go easy on her UC..it takes hours and hours to get that pursed lip, evil eye stare down..;O)
Looks like she’s already got the steely, bitch glare down pat. Of course, if Rob told me no, I might look just like her…or, I’d just run away crying.
he’s just not in2 you..
move on.
Uh, there was a round one? What the hell? There sure as heck ain’t gonna be no round two.
That picture of the two of them is priceless.
NReed: “But Robbbbbbieeeeee… whyyyyyyyy???”
Rob: “Why are you whining? Go find Kristen and be sourpuss’s together.”
omg..hahahha..i really can’t blame her, though. & that pic is priceless.
*snicker* I think I’d still rather he was sleeping with her than KStew.
@UC- ‘unpack his one pair of pants and black shoes’ and ‘playing his own trumpet’ HILARIOUS!
Thanks for the laughs! You rock!
Very curious to know who his date will be on Sunday (to the Oscars)! Please let it be his mom or sister.
She’s such a leech. And using the word “pleasure” as a verb always cracks me up. Great post, as always!
Rob: Why not?
Nikki: ROB! We are not REAL lesbians.
Rob: Dammit! Just one time…
Nikki: NO THREESOME!
Ha ha…cause I know when guys see those pics of her and KStew “together”, they have to be thinking about how they can get in the middle of that!
Not that I want Rob in the middle of that. In fact, I want him as far away from that as possible. 🙂
[…] noreply@blogger.com (Quirky Mon) wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI’m not sure what happened the first time around, back on some drunken night in Portland, but I do know Rob isn’t doing it again. Those were the days when he “couldn’t get a date” and was “fat” and “lived in a crack flat with TomStu.” Now he can “get lots of dates” … UnintendedChoice. Thanks to my late night IMing partner, you know who you are, for all the help, all the time. “We did it, we hit it, it was whack” I’d like to be a fake lesbian with you. XO … […]
@Amber – I was gonna go there with the “captioning”, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it… I couldn’t bring myself to do that to Rob, not even in my mind. lol
…and by “do that to Rob, not even in my mind.” I meant putting him in the middle of a threesome with Sourpuss 1 and Sourpuss 2. Everything else I’m okay with doing in my mind; I’m sure we’ll all agree.
Just needed to clarify. hahaha
@JBell – Don’t worry, I read you loud and clear!!
Man, with those two, he wouldn’t have any idea if they were even enjoying it, would he?!?
lmao Thanks for making me actually PICTURE that scenario now. It’s quite hysterical actually.
@JBell – Your absolutely welcome!! The more I picture it, the funnier it gets!! Tee hee!
Ok, anyone else notice how low Rob’s pants are in that pic? Just makes you want to help him along there. Of course, this would occur well away from NReed. We don’t need her disrupting our hot monkey love, now do we Rob?
I must be totally out of the loop.
Did they really hook up or just hearsay?
@malia and everyone who keeps asking me on twitter: hearsay:) but i totally believe it!
Ok…I’m gonna say what most ppl what already said.
There was a Round One!? Hell no! Nikki does look good in that picture.
*Snorts*
Rob and Nikki…*laughs* GREAT Mental Image for my dreams tonight. Me and Rob will be *ahem* busy, and Nikki will come busting in all, “That’s MY man, bitch!” And I’ll be all, “Nikki, it was ONE TIME. Get over it!” And then a Alexx and Nikki fight will ensue! 😀 (FYI, I’ll win.)
xoxo,
Alexx
P.S. Thanks in advance for the that dream I’ll have. I will surely wake up smiling and laughing my ass off.
I believe it too… a boy’s got needs damn it.
“He’s gotta get his kicks while he’s still young enough to get ’em!” [Yep, definitely quoted from Grease on you guys…]
@JBell – Well, I got some “kicks” right over here for that young man. Oh yeah!! 😉
“Brilliant actress” hilarious, and I think she looks like the poster child for VD.
…and we’re not talking about Valentine’s Day. [cue comedic drum line] Sorry, it had to be done.
lol @ErPattz
i say its not hearsay….nreed was always at his apartment in LA post twilight (didnt they date for two months?or so the news say). so unless they were just both learning to cross stitch while stuck in his apartment….i say round one was a definite thing
@ Jbell that’s awesome
@ Sherin dating seems like a strong word. I’ve always heard she’s DESPERATE to be a star, so anything about her involvement with anyone was probably started by her. But then I don’t like her and choose to believe her intentions are evil.
Was there ever a round one?
Ewwww.
I am really praying on my knees – and I rarely pray – that this is just a hearsay.
Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Its almost as bad as hearing the rumors of Rob and Joe J’s loser girlfriend ALL OVER AGAIN.
ROLLING uc… seriously in love with this post.
also yes, he IS too busy pleasuring ME 🙂
@moon but did you see the REST of that sentence (and wishing it was me) mmhmm
xo
I love the caption on the pic! It suits perfectly with the picture. Priceless 🙂
Oh! Hey UC and Moon. I just nominated http://www.letterstotwilight.com for the Best Twilight Fansite and http://www.letterstorob.com for the Best Robert Pattinson Fansite. But I just realized that this is more of a blog so I think I’ll have to change it to Best Twilight Blog. They don’t have a Best Rob Blog:(
@Rhonika you are the BEST!!! xoxo
I forgot the link.
http://dazzleawards2009.webs.com/nominate.htm
Why are Kristen and Nikki trying to go for the hobo-chic-Rob look? I mean, it only works for him you fake lesbians!
Where did that photo come from? haven’t seen that one before! Completely funny as!!!!!! and i too did notice how low rob’s pants are! lol.. Mind you, he does look like a homeless bum, not that i’m turned off by that, quite the contrary!
@Alexx OMG you and me are having the same dream.
Well mine won’t feature a girl called Alexx though will it . That would just be freaky. I’m not sharing Rob in any of my dreams – so when NR makes her appearance I’m going to be like Summer Glau in Terminator and she’ll be out of that room quicker than you can say “sex hair”.
And as for NR and Rob together, well it hurts to type them in the same sentence though I have a suspicion it could have happened …. Nooooooooooooooooooo. * Puts fingers in ears, closes eyes and sings la la la to block the image out.*
Nikki – you know it was just convenience and it’s done now. Back off. New blood coming through girlie and you’re no longer required. Toodaloo as we say in the UK.
Hasn’t anyone seen Thirteen? The idea that she’s even friends with the perfectness that is RPatz gives me the heebiejeebies. She’s DAMAGED goods. Anyone who does “all that” at the innocent age of 13 has got to be f’d up. I was playing barbies and shopping for training bras at that age. Ick. Shudder. Ick. Even one time – let alone two — or two months together is worse yet — may permanently change my perfect image of him.
BTW, what are the odds that there would be TWO Malia’s on here? My parents had it first Obama.
Signed, Another Malia who screams out “I love Spunk!” during intimate moments with the husband (who’s clueless and thinks I’ve just become porno-fabulous).
Umm, all I can say to Rob is… step away from that chick right now! Do a 360 then, run – run as fast as you can (well, as fast as a mountain goat can, I guess). Still love you.