I can paint with all the colors of the wind

new-moon-cover1Dear Vancouver, British Columbia,

Hello. My name is UnintendedChoice, and I wanted to introduce myself because I am coming to visit you really soon. Actually, it’s a good idea for us to become bff’s because you’ll be seeing a lot of me in the upcoming months, starting on Sunday, February 8, from 9am-12pm at the Second Ave Studios.

You see, I have what we call an acute fondness for Robert Pattinson (not to mention a sorta unhealthy obsession of looking at this picture of Taylor Lautner),

uhhh.... what's the age of consent?

and I will do whatever it takes to be in his next film (Yes, I’ll even miss my grandfather’s 90th birthday party- but shh, I’ll be feigning a migraine that day)

There is a mysterious casting call that has popped up all over the web, and this is the reason for my visit. I know, I know, you see a few problems with my reasoning, right? Well, let me assure you, I know what I am doing:

  1. You don’t even know that this audition is for New Moon. Oh yeah? Do YOU know of another major motion picture being filmed in your city from mid-March to the end of May requiring the expertise of “First Nation” actors? Yeah, didn’t think so.
  2. Okay. You’re not a First Nation/Aboriginal actress. That’s why they call it ACTING, people. I can do it. Pocahontas was my favorite movie as a child. One of my best friends is 1/32nd Native American. I live in Pennsylvania near the Skukyll and Delaware rivers. I threw up in Lake Lenape when I was 7 years old. Another friend went to Susquehanna University, and my high school’s mascot was an INDIAN for God’s sakes! UPDATE: theMoonisDown just informed me her grandpa is 1/4 NA and she grew up in the state with the MOST reservation land in the country. This makes me even more qualified!
  3. …You have pale white skin… Ugh, such minor details! I will hit up the Tantopia every day until the audition. Did I forget to mention I think John Smith is the most smokin’ of all the Disney male characters? That’s gotta help me, right?

On second thought.. I do really have pale white skin. I wonder…. you know how there’s all this spectulation going around about what Edward/Rob will be doing during New Moon and how they’re going to make sure he’s still a “main part” of the movie without ruining the integrity of the book?  Well, he visits Tanya in Alaska, right? And Tanya loves Eddie….and they need more Eddie in the movie… and Tanya probably attempts to kiss Eddie while he’s visiting and/or bite his neck and/or wrestle him to the ground/snow while possibly sticking her hand down his pants to distract him from missing Bella..and Tanya has pale white skin.. and so do I.. OMG! GET CHRIS WEITZ ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.  I am a GENIUS!

See you soon,
UnintendedChoice aka Emily, err, Tanya xoxo

44 Responses

  1. @UC I will totally practice your lines with you. Tanya has sisters right??? Oh wait, I definitely look like I’ve been hitting the Tantopia already…damn it! Which book does annoying Paul imprint?? I guess I’ll just wait for the Eclipse movie, but I’ll totally still read lines with you! 😉

  2. Oh, my dear UC–this is your best yet. You are a genius.

    I’m also going to bitchslap you for putting that freaking song in my head…”Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?”

    I hate that song…I could care less about the colors of the wind. Unless those colors are red, black, and white…

  3. @UC OMG…you have got to be kidding me…this is so crazy!!! I’ll help you rehearse your lines too and maybe…just maybe I can try out too…hey I’m latina…I have tanned skin and my grandfather/our family are decendats of indians(Aztecs) but still…I think those are minor details!!! Something can be worked out right?

  4. @UC This is great! Go for it! Can I audition for Heidi? We’ll go together & support each other!

  5. Love this letter! I would help you with your lines. Anything for the cause!

  6. @UC – you are totally a genius! Go for it girl. 😀 Can I be umm… your assistant on the set? 😉

  7. @UC…. HAHAHA oh god!! I havent laughed that hard in a while!!! Just great!! Yeah, go for it! And um, you’ll totally need a whole POSSE of LTR/LTT readers, RIGHT?! we can just all tag along.. yah know…pretending to help you, when we’re all aiming for our chance with Rob! 🙂

  8. I appreciate all the offers to help with lines, but are you girls going all Kstew/NReed “tatu” fake-lesbo’s on me? Did you not read the part where i said I, as Tanya will “attempt to kiss Eddie while he’s visiting and/or bite his neck and/or wrestle him to the ground/snow while possibly sticking [my] hand down his pants to distract him from missing Bella..”

    i mean.. i’m all about loving on my girlfriends, but i’m gonna save this practicing for when i get to run my ‘lines” with Rob. [and my version of the script doesn’t have tanya saying many “lines,” if you know what i’m sayin’]

    mwah! but i think we can cast this movie with all the LTR/LTT girls.. we have Heidi, krazykidd your latina/aztec background will totallly work for one of the “rezz” girls… you can pull it off.

    and iriana… we need an iriana!

  9. UHHHH is it coincidence that YOURS TRULY, YES ME will be in seattle just a hop skip and a jump AWAY from Vancouver on FEBRUARY 8TH??!!

    i think not

    maybe i can audition for rob’s jacket holder or “night companion”… i mean SOMEONES gotta do it, right?

    or maybe they’ll give in and cast for leah, i am after all descendant from native americans and used to visit the rez at home all the time … here i come vancouver!!

  10. LMAO 🙂

    Moon, you so have to go and audition too!

    I wonder if they’re holding auditions/hiring somewhere to be a maid/room service at the hotel where the cast will be staying? I could so handle having a master key to Rob’s room. Bwa ha ha ha

  11. @Sid

    My husband was just bitching that I needed to get a job….hmmm. He didn’t say it had to be in San Diego.

  12. @ Vicky

    Hee Hee, I sense a Vancouver ROAD TRIP coming up! 😀

  13. @Sid. Count me in!

    Rob better be back in LA by the 2nd weekend in Feb. I am heading up that way with the family and I will be stalking/looking for him!


  14. @Vicky – Do Not Forget to take your camera, video recorder, and duct tape, lol. You can never go wrong with duct tape! 😀 All the better to tie him up with to man-nap (kidnap just doesn’t sound right) him. JK

  15. @Sid

    I just found the Edward action figure online at Hot Topic and they ship to your neck of the woods. Do you wanna try it…instand gratification is so much better isn’t it?


  16. @Sid good one!- duct tape, Ha ha

    @Vicky LMAO! (about the job part)

    @UC I don’t want to be a stickler but I think you meant ‘Irina’, BTW there’s also Kate and Carmen
    However, I think that Edward went to Denali in Twilight
    (correct me if I’m wrong)

  17. @sid, im doin it… ill check into this master key business while im there, that is a SPECTACULAR idea… maybe we should just go ahead and send a letter to the consulate of your fine country and warn them about all the LTR/LTT folks that will inevitably be descending on poor BC. are they even ready?

    @genevieve – he visits tanya and irina and the whole denali clan in twilight and MS and im pretty sure while he’s gone during NM he visits them again… anyone? fact checkers??

  18. I have a Native American tattoo on my back, does that qualify me for an audition?

  19. I can totally pull off Irina, plus I get a dramatic death scene in BD! Blond hair (check), pale (check).

    Can I add an extra scene where Edward tries to help Irina get over Laurent in (physical) ways only he can help? That wouldn’t ruin the integrity of the book at all, would it?!?

  20. @moon – I thought the same thing…I’ll try and do some fact checking, as much as I can while I’m at work.

  21. You ARE genius! Get Chris on the phone ASAP!

    Hey…I am 1/32nd Cherokee! Should I audition?

  22. @genevieve- whoops, thanks for correcting me: Irina

    and i’m pretty sure edward went to alaska in NM. I know the rest of the fam did- and I think he was with them for a little. But I kinda think that since she hasn’t written Edward’s perspective on New Moon (that we know of…) we can make up the details at this point. and the details are this:

    edward goes to alaska.. tries his hand at getting over bella by making passionate love to tanya.

    @!amber, i think it would be cool if edward also helps irina get over laurent… i mean, he’s a nice guy and all.. but i’m thinking that I (aka Tanya) would probably get really mad at you, and we’ll probably have it out- in a big vampire/cat fight scene. I will win, of course. But at least you would’ve had a moment with Edward, ya know?


  23. @lauren yes yes YES.. you must audition!

  24. @uc – You can totally win that battle…as long as I have my moment!

  25. @UC yes he does go to Denali in NM Alice tells Bella he was there for a while at first and that he checks in with Carlisle and Esme once every few months. I THINK you were right…anyway I am totally up for a roadtrip…I’m heading that way in spring break…PA. then Canada…3-14 to 3-21…I’m hoping to catch some action while i’m there…..on a different note: I already told my fiancee about the audition…all he said was “babe I don’t think the natives in the book spoke spanish…LOL” whateves he can suck it! lol

  26. i almost fell over at the comment ” i threw up in lake lenape when i was seven”. i love that lake lenape! it totally makes you qualified.

  27. @UC & moon Oops my bad. You’d think I’d know the story by now- only read it about 5 times (so far). (Heidi audition here I come)

  28. @krazykidd – Taylor isn’t Native American, so I don’t think the fact that you are Hispanic should hold you back. Go and audition!!

    I’m curious, are there a lot of Native Americans in Canada? I know there are a lot here in Oklahoma (aka Native America).

  29. @Amber- yes there are many different ‘tribes’ here in Canada too.

    @UC- Eskimos too, although I’ve never been up north that far.

  30. Eskimos, duh! Why didn’t I think of that?

  31. Not only do I STILL live on the wrong side of the country, but I also now seem to be the wrong race and age.

    Ah, the injustice!

    *trying to remember if there was any parts in NM for middle-aged white women*

  32. @Sass- HELLO, I too am a middle aged white woman but LET’S PRETEND! (make-up artists can transform us into a Kate/Irina/Carmen etc.)

  33. I like makeup!

    Packing my suitcase now, Genevieve!

  34. @Sass (Let’s meet up) I think we’ve got a lot in common (ie. hubby, kids, age, and a teenie eenie interest in RTP) BTW, did u catch that Elvis Duran interview that Mrs.P posted last night where he mentions that he would ‘Defintely’ be interested in a older woman? I almost died! ALLLRIGHT!

  35. @Genevieve…I did not catch that interview…that will be on my list tonight!

  36. You ladies are not allowed to have conversations like this while I’m job hunting! It’s too hard to catch up. Still no word on my application as Rob’s Kept Woman, BTW. I’m sure his people will call me soon though.

  37. @Christa- I Love it! LMAO
    Hmmmm, I wonder if Rob needs anyone else in his entourage? Rob… if you’re reading (listening)… I’M AVAILABLE!!!!!

  38. Hey there!

    Unintendedchoice – are you really gonna audition for
    a part? Cuz it would be kinda awesome to do a
    video documentary of someone who is going
    to audition that day (I’m a Vancouver journalism student, and always on the lookout for interesting stories hehe).

  39. Personally I think that they should film in a little place called Courtice Ontario because its…um….perfect for the movie…… its good because Rob can just stay at my house, I can cook for him and take care of all his needs. Theres a great ditch up by the funeral home that Kristen could sleep in too, plus a bar up the road for drinks……

  40. […] (01/27/09) I Can Paint With All The Colors of the Wind […]

  41. […] be cast as Tanya instead in New Moon. So much win in that one. We still laugh reading it.(01/27/09) I Can Paint With All The Colors of the Wind Here are some of the letter highlights:“Hello. My name is UnintendedChoice, and I wanted to […]

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