Taylor Lautner: It’s the final countdown

Dear Taylor,

I thought as the final countdown begins to your 18th birthday and the day when Chris Hansen finally gets off our back (5 days!) we’d kick off this weekend with two fan letters to you. Enjoy your last few days of protection from Cougars due to your age. If you thought it was bad when you were underage (grown woman giving you their panties to sign) just WAIT until you’re of age….

Love,
UC

Dear Legal in Georgia and New Zeland (in case you feel like promoting over here – thatswhatshesaid),

Stop looking so good, its contagious…I mean seriously….you’re making K-Stew look appealing…in a girl-crush-fake-lesbian way. And if you can do that…you are officially a GOD (apart from Peggy Sirota of course…)

You should seriously package that….I can see it now

“SIMPLY ILLEGAL” - All you need is Lautner

“Do you feel inadequate next to your illegally buff boyfriend? Then “Simply Illegal” is for you! Be the envy of boys AND girls when you enter the room. It will instantly make you look and feel better (in a “special hug” sort of way)..so go ahead, throw your head back and laugh….cause you’ve got a Lautner (and indecency charges on your hands)…and thats all you’ll need”

SIMPLY ILLEGALLust, Lawsuits, Lautner…

I’ll work pro-bono (thatswhatshesaid) as your personal assistant in this venture…I’m an expert neck sniffer….

Obsessed with you much?

Love,
Moi

p.s. K-Stew…I know you want to lick that sexy neck…especially that adam’s apple and the rise in his shoulder *need.air.* (i mean jaw porn much?)….but u made ur choice…deal with it…

One of the last letters about an underage Taylor EVER after the jump! Continue reading

Christmas Caroling with the Cullens

Dear LTTers,

How are you!? Stuffed? Tired? Are you wearing your new clothes and playing your new CDs and watching your new DVDs? Good. Moon & I are busy with our families this weekend, but have no fear! We don’t plan to stop the holiday celebration. In fact, we both printed out today’s caroling lyrics and plan to lead our families in many rousing choruses throughout the day. So don’t stop the holiday celebrations! Get back in the spirit by singing the following Christmas carols with more appropriate lyrics!

“I’m Dreaming of a Black Christmas” Listen to the Real song here

Now that Edward is back, Bella spends less time with Jake. She’s not as happy as Stephenie Meyers makes her seem. And the holidays are especially tough. Bella is all sentimental…. wishing for more time with Jake. And so she sings this tune….

Who invited Buttcrack Santa?

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Just like they have down on the res
Where Emily bakes her muffins
and jorts are in fashion
and everyone does what Sam Uley says

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Just like when that wolf was my best friend
I won’t even throw a face punch
when he tries to kiss me
really, he wouldn’t be a bad boyfriend

I’m dreaming of a Black Christmas
Every time Emmett jokes that I’m his snack
May your days be 110 degrees and laidback
And may all your Christmases be Black

Sing more tunes after the jump! Continue reading

We wish you a Cullen Christmas

Dear LTTers,

Merry Christmas Eve! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, merry time of year when everyone says “Merry Christmas” to you and you look at them and say, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas” and they stare back at you, not understanding, in a santa hat!

Moon and I have objected ourselves to 2nd-hand embarrassment, yet again, to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Love,

UC & Moon

After the jump, read all the wonderful lyrics penned by @Brookelockart, Moon & myself. Print them out and have a family sing-a-long around the dinner table tomorrow! Continue reading

The Lautner Family Christmas letter

Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:

December 2009                     Issue 19, Vol 4

Family trip to the jersey shore in 06

To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,

Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.

You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air

News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.

I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day! Continue reading

Taylor on Saturday Night Live!

Dear Taylor-

Tonight you’re going to be hosting Saturday Night Live and if I’m honest I’m beyond excited for you and for me! I may have even double checked the DVR like uh… 5 times or so just to make sure I’ll have it recorded for all of eternity or until my DVR blows up from recording too many episodes of Top Chef and Jersey Shore (It’s “The Situation,” yall!). I’m kinda of an SNL connoisseur  so can I suggest a few things?

You kind HAVE TO do a skit where you impersonate Rob! I mean seriously, who else could do it? Put on a wig of crazy sex hair, a flannel and have some girl in a black mullet wig tell you what to do, brood a bunch and it’s gold I tell ya!

Make fun of yourself and the jorts! You HAVE to do a wolfpack skit or at the very least something about teen wolf! Only one of the best movie of the 80s by Micheal J Fox that didn’t have to do with time travel.

Opening Monologue?! Well, I mean Taylor Swift set the bar pretty hight… you either gonna have to give her a shout out or do your best impression of Taylor doing Taylor Swift doing Shakira… whew I’m just tired thinking about it…

I have BIG hopes for your Taylor… you will rock this cause no one can do worse than January Jones did this season on SNL. So bring it and bring it HARD (that’s what she said!) Cause I’ll be watching!!!!!!!

Break a leg!
Themoonisdown

What skits do you hope Taylor does on SNL tonight? An “Oh Really?” or perhaps a “Target” with Kristen Wig? Let’s all cross our fingers Big Daddy makes it in because this SNL will (hopefully) be full of videos and videos worth of blog content!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Breaking down my Twilight memories

Dear Twilight,

Wow… you have really changed my life. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting this week since it’s our anniversary week, and I’ve been thinking back to a year ago at the start of it all. Moon & I are extremely bummed that we can’t locate that very first chat we had on 12/8/08 when we decided to start the blogs, but in my searching for that first conversation, I’ve come across a gem. Way back on 11/25/2008, Moon was going through her first read of the Twilight saga, and I was SO excited to finally have a friend to discuss the series with! I laughed re-reading this conversation, realizing how far we’ve come, how much we’ve changed and yet, how little has really changed! I’m gonna stop talking about it and instead, I’m gonna break down one of the first conversations Moon & I ever had about Twilight… vanity fair style!

My “Break down” is italicized between the lines of conversation and it’s green. Green is (what?) GOOD

Someday will cover our faces with that ribbon...

Losing Moon’s virginity

UC: oh miss Moon HI! did you read my blog yet? My review on Twilight the movie? because I forgot you didn’t finish book 3… *spoiler alert*
Book 3? Really UC? No one calls it that. It’s Eclipse
Moon: Thats where I just clicked on! About to read it!
UC: NOOO Stop! Until you finish the series…. I don’t want to give it away!!!
Moon: But I’m halfway through Eclipse? Don’t read it?
UC: Don’t- just because I give away my favorite part!! A part you’ll love
It involves the guy who runs around in jorts warming up the heart-breaker in a tent while the cold one looks on!
Moon: Oh man! I can’t wait. I didn’t read any last nite because I wanted to save it for the plane tonight!!
What? Moon? Is that you? The one who has been tempted to read my blog posts before they post in the morning and has been known to sneak in fanfic at opportune times- like during work or while at church? You WAITED for Eclipse!?
UC: oh yay! Good Idea
You sound 12, UC, saying “Yay” like that. Plus that’s not a good idea
UC: I forgot how good Eclipse was! I think I might read the last 1/2 again before I start Breaking Dawn :) I’m such a loser/really awesome
The phrase you’re looking for is “That’s Normal”
Moon: TOTALLY awesome.
Welcome to the 80s
Moon: yea I’m LOVING Eclipse- might be favorite
It stays your favorite
Moon: Then I’ll probably get Breaking Dawn this week sometime
You’ll try, but every store will be out of it. So you’ll look hopelessly for a week

The one where we prophecize

UC: How long will you be at home with your parents? Until Sunday?
Moon: Monday I come back- decided to make a vacay out of it
UC: nice!!
Moon: stalk stephenie meyer
UC: Oh yay! She lives there, I forgot!
Oh UC… next thing you’ll tell me you don’t know Rob Pattinson’s middle name.
Moon: It’s so sad but I’m so hoping for some odd reason I see her
That hope never dies
Moon: I’ve regressed to age 14 and I’m ok with it
That’s (still) Normal
UC: haha I would want to see her too! And I know what you mean I’m seriously going crazy. I’m only listening to the soundtrack and I keep repeating songs
You’ll do that for another 6 months. You’ll never play that Perry Ferrell song you thought you’d learn to like ever again
Moon: Dude the soundtrack is killing me
Dude- Just wait until New Moon’s soundtrack. You’ll wanna kill yourself
UC: So my review of the movie is VERY similar to yours (I didn’t read yours until after I wrote mine) Except.. I added my opinions of seeing it a 2nd time which was PERFECT because I loved it even more
Moon: yea I’m thinking I need to see it again away from little girls
UC: Yes. it was SO different
Moon: I think I’ll be able to focus on it and not wonder what’s next and stop worrying about the cheesy special FX and enjoy
You won’t stop worrying about the cheesy FX because they don’t stop being cheesy
UC: right- I def. wasn’t focused first time around. [My husband] Mr. Choice didn’t think it was cheesy at all (the diamonds)
The what? Diamonds? Do you mean the sparkles? Oh UC….
UC: he said if it was anything more, he thinks it would’ve been cheesy.
He’s wrong. It was cheesy
UC: I could’ve used some more sparkle myself. Spoiler alert for my review. He LOVED it
Moon: Every dude or person who didn’t read the books really liked it
Is every ‘dude or person” you know a family member of Catherine Hardwicke? [side note: this was during the phase when Moon called every guy a dude]
UC: I know!
Moon: so I think it’s just the diehards who are trying to reconcile the whole thing to whatever they imagined
UC: He said it’s a shame it’s the teen demographic because it’s not going to get the credit and attention it deserves for being a really kick-a movie
Hahahaha UC print that out and remind Mr. Choice DAILY that he once said that. He won’t believe you….
Moon: EXACTLY! So many people are like that’s a YA novel. I’m like SO WHAT?!
Preach it
Moon: If they got a different director and some kick ass CGI/FX this could contend with the summer blockbusters- it’s supernatural
Preeeacch it!
UC: and the actors were soo good!
Uh… who do you mean? Jessica and Mike? And sometimes Rob?
Moon: It could be put it in there with Batman and stuff
Uh, what? Continue reading

New Moon in 15 minutes

One of my fav things about the craziness of Twilight’s release last year was all the amazing spoofs written and recorded afterwards. Moon brought you the brilliant LOLCats version of New Moon yesterday, so today I bring you my favorite parts of New Moon in 15 Minutes by Cleolinda! Make sure to check out the entire post and enjoy your Sunday laugh! XO- UC

Some English Class

BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD
: So while we’re on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I’ve been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you’re just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I’m thinking… death by sparkle at high noon.
BELLA
: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER
: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
EDWARD
: *sigh*
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER
: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.

The Rainforest in Bella’s Backyard

EDWARD: So we’re all leaving town and I don’t want you to come.
BELLA
: Edward, you haven’t wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD
: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA
: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD
: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what’s best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we’ll call it even.
BELLA
: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN’T NO
EDWARD
: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA
: EDWARD!
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
BELLA
: EDWARD!!!
EDWARD
: *VAMPIRE HAND*
BELLA: …omg.

[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shell-shocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]

-Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
-Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
-Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT

More Stuff Happens

[Remember when] Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save [Bella?]. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one’s delicate human.

QUIL: [To Bella] Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
JACOB: HEY, DON’T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?

BELLA: Wow… you’re sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we’d be in business.
JACOB: : (

Continue the major major Cullen Smiles & laughter, after the jump! Continue reading

UC gets real about New Moon

Dear New Moon,

First, let me preface this by saying I love New Moon the movie even with it’s sometimes cheesiness, occasional flaws (the R&J book on the bed there one minute, gone the next) and Jacob calling Bella “loca” even though he doesn’t speak Spanish. I love it because I love the book- I love the story. Plus it’s so much better than Twilight, which I also loved despite its MAJOR cheesiness and introduction of characters who belong on COPS. However……I gotta get real. New Moon isn’t going to win any Oscars. Then again, no one should have that expectation, so I shouldn’t even need to mention it.  I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a fan. A big, ol’ fangirl who runs a blog about vampires. But I’m a normal girl too. I don’t really talk Twilight outside of my LTT-life & I don’t own one single Twilight T-shirt (which is kinda a travesty). And my favorite movie so far in 2009 is a Woody Allen film. It makes no sense how I could love both Woody Allen AND New Moon. It doesn’t. But… I do. And I make no apologizes.

Moon wrote a killer letter yesterday about the hits & misses in New Moon. And I just got back from MY 3rd viewing with a “Bite Me Edward” notepad filled of thoughts, confessions and…. lists. Yes, I counted how many times Chris Hansen would have arrested me were he watching my face or feeling my pulse race during those 122 minutes. But we’ll save the lists for another time. Right now, it’s time to get real- you gotta hear out my confessions:

What do you mean they ran out of $4.99 all you can eat steamed mussels on the buffet?

Rob: For most of his scenes, I don’t think Rob looks that hot. Sure, there are moments and when he’s on- he’s ON, but the rest of the time…meh. I’m not even saying this because of that under-aged guy. Or because he looks like death at the end.  Maybe it’s because he leaves Bella and I get pissed, or maybe it’s because he looks like he’s hitting the 4:30 pm early-bird special at the Shoneys after winning his shuffleboard match. I don’t know. I’m just confessing…

Sick: I get seasick twice in the movie. Literally- seasick. First when Carlisle stiches Bella up and we have to watch it. WTF!? Why!? Couldn’t we look at some family photos on the fall of Edward and Emmett in the 70s? And then I get sick when the camera is whirling around Bella as she lies on the floor of the forest. I get motion sickness really easily and the first time I saw that scene it took me until Volterra to stop the throw-up feeling.

(ohh ohh) "Oops." "Again?" "Sorry..."

Turned on: I get turned on during the hot kiss between Edward and Bella. You know the one. It’s the one where I forget Rob resembles my Uncle Ernie before he went off to war and get lost in the sounds of his arousal. (and forget they’re for another girl) Interestingly enough, the screen turned off for about 5 minutes in our theater but the sound kept going. It just so happened to be during that scene.  We were pissed. Until…… well… until we received a gift. You can get this gift too. Next time you see the movie, close your eyes during the kissing scene and just listen.  You will get to experience the sound of Rob’s sexual frustration and arousal, without having to look at the reason he is in such a state. It’s pure bliss (If, however, you end up with images of your 11th grade boyfriend making those same noises before saying, “Oops. Do you want me to take that dress to the dry cleaners for you?” we cannot be blamed. It’s easy to mistaken those sounds in a dark theater as 15 year old male premature ejaculation)

See what other awkward stuff I have to say about under-aged boys after the jump Continue reading

I saw New Moon and I LOVED it….

I know many of you haven’t seen the movie yet. GO GO GO GOOOOOOOO what are you waiting for!? Of course you know I’m writing about it today, but don’t worry- I’ll warn you before there are spoilers

NewMoonGoodieBags

Did someone bring YOU a goodie bag with knock-off Ray bans inside?

Dear New Moon,

A story to sum up the night: After remaining in our seats until the last credit rolled, singing along to every word of “Meet me on the Equinox,” occasionally letting out a yelp, a squee or an expletive and holding hands with friends and strangers around us, our group of (just) 18 gals ventured into the concession area of the theater continuing with our yelps, squees and expletives along the way. As we gathered around for a group photo in front of the Eclipse poster we decided what that moment needed was a group hug. Hugs were passed around, more squees were heard and then it hit us- just a hug will not suffice. What we needed was a New Moon huddle. So we gathered together, we all put our arms in the middle and on the count of 3 we raised our hands in the air and yelled: JORTS!

It’s 3:46am and I could go on and on about the movie I just saw. But it’s 3:46am and I really want to go to sleep, so I’ll just share a few thoughts. The first being that it’s amazing. So if you haven’t seen it yet, forget the bad reviews, forget any preconceived notions you have based on the badly made last movie (Twilight) and just go. Lower your expectations. Clear your mind of anything you hope to see and just go enjoy the great portrayal of a really great book.

I have a confession, though.  With all that talk I shoved down your throats about managing expectations and ACCEPTING IT NOW that the movie very well may suck, I still hung on to a few expectations myself. Thankfully, Chris Weitz reads my mind (and therefore may now have access to my body) and BROUGHT it with New Moon. After the jump here are a few of my expectations that were met ABOVE and BEYOND! *Spoiler Alert* (see ending for *end of spoiler alert*) Continue reading

Where’s Daniel “Big Daddy” Lautner?

bigdaddyMIA

Have you seen this man?

Dear Taylor,

Where the HALE is your dad?! Every time a new photo of you comes out of you at an airport or running around town I hold my breath as I scroll through each image just waiting to see Bid Daddy’s face among them. Preferably off to the side, holding a to-go box wearing an XXXL polo shirt and some dad pants but alas he’s no where to be found. He’s been missing in action for weeks, maybe even a month since we last saw the man we’ve all come to know and love and refer to affectionately as Big Daddy.

bigdaddydreams

Hmmmm filet o fish

Where could be be? Did he get stuck in Rob’s old hotel room jail cell? Was Summit jealous of the coverage Big Daddy was getting from paps so they threw him in the same cell Rob was in for almost a month? Is Big Daddy jealous of Taylor Swift and all the face time she’s been getting with YOU? I mean, you took her to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse and didn’t take Big Daddy? That’s blasphemy! They serve red meat there! I would be hurt too. I’ve even started searching every McDonald’s in the Los Angeles area looking for a cuddly dad in a corner self soothing with a Filet-o-Fish while you’re out on the town with the other half of Swiftner, but he’s no where to be found! It’s as if he never existed! Tell him to stop taking Edward’s words so literally. I can’t take this anymore!

And now you’re off gallivanting through foreign countries with KStew with NO parental guidance? Is Big Daddy sitting at home in his easy chair when the newscaster says “It’s 10PM do you know when your children are?” and NOT KNOW where you are?! I shudder to think.

I’m worried Taylor! Please tell me Daniel “Big Daddy” Lautner is ok.

It’s 10PM do you know where your Big Daddy is?
Themoonisdown

Oh and Dear Kristen,

Nice outfits! No, I’m serious, I swear!

kristentaySAkstewSAgunshirt

Thank god for press tours! Oh and wanna share shoes?

<3 sometimes,
moon

What say you? is Big Daddy MIA? Where is he? And do you heart or hate KStew’s look in Mexico?

Find Big Daddy at The Forum
Rob’s doing something over at LTR
November’s a crazy month TV wise, Jena has put together a handy dandy viewing guide over the at forum! Set your DVR’s now!

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