Dear Bill Condon,
Oh Bill Condon… oh Bill, Bill, Bill… if you only knew what you were getting yourself into… alas that is a letter for another day. We have more pressing matters to discuss today…
Of all the rumored directors being vetted for Breaking Dawn: Gus van Sant, Sofia Coppola, Fernando Meirelles and a few others your name seems to just keep coming up. Especially yesterday when we learned that you may be in talks/negotiations to direct BD. And I gotta say I’m super excited! For the general public they probably best know you from your film adaptations of the musicals Chicago and Dreamgirls*. As a HUGE nerd fan of musicals this has my head spinning. Because I’m sure, like me, there are tons of people out there thinking Breaking Dawn will be turned into a musical. A musical version of Breaking Dawn? YES PLEASE!!! Just imagine it…
We open with a wide shot of Forks with an incoming rain storm in the background. Charlie slowly drives the streets in his cop car singing a “Patrolling in the Rain” type of song under his breath. Then the skies open up and it begins raining. Raining glitter, of course.
Then we catch up with Bella singing about that dumb ol car as she gases up the Mercedes Guardian at the gas station and then uses the gas pump as a prop jump rope and sings “Only a Human, not yet a Vampire” as a man taps dances around the car inspecting it.
Later on we have the wedding scene which I imagine as a sort of Guys and Dolls Nathan and Adelaide getting married scene only set in the Cullens backyard while we cut to shots of Jacob running through the forest singing “Get me to the church Cullens on time.”
Then to celebrate their marriage we have a huge ensemble number, a re-imaging of “We’ve only just begun” with the Cullen family, Wolfpacks, humans, townspeople raising closed umbrella’s for them to walk through and then as they leave for the honeymoon, instead of throwing birdseed or rose petals the guests throw, what else? Glitter!
In honor of Stephenie Meyer’s ultimate cockblock, for the honeymoon scene instead of fading to black the musical version of Breaking Dawn will have something very similar to “Contact” by Angel in Rent, where we don’t actually really see anything go down but we know it’s a big metaphor for sex. Yup, Stephenie you will still have your fade to black in the end.
Bella giving birth closes the first act . I imagine this like the scene (I think, theater nerds help me out) in Carousel when Billy is stabbed and instead of it being literally blood spurting, instead a red sheet slowly gets pulled out to symbolize her bleeding to death as Edward holds up Reneesme all Rafiki-holds-Simba-up-in-Lion-King like and then hands her to Rosalie as he launches into a gut wrenching soliloquy about possibly losing Bella all while Jacob cowers in the corner singing to himself quietly.
End of Act 1
Follow the cut to see what I dream up for Act 2, it’s a real show stopper, trust me
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