Monday Funnies: Twilight Tattoo Freaks Part 2

Dear LTT-ers and Crazy Insane Twihards with a need for ink,

Last summer we wrote a post that highlighted the best and worst of the Twilight themed tattoos we could find on the web… you guys responded and it remains one of our most popular posts almost a year later. Of course last summer was a bit more innocent and not as many folks knew about Twilight like now… so when I went to search for something the other day and saw new tattoos floating around I knew it was time we revisit the best and worst of Twilight tattoos…

(click to enlarge these to witness full size crazy)

Oh hey there crazy New Moon fan, you have a ruffled Tulip growing out of your armpit. You might wanna get that checked out.

Reminiscent of  the NM tattoo, this girl went ahead and straight up tattoo-ed the entire section from the “moonless night” part of New Moon. Sure, this is commitment but now I’m just waiting to see some girl do full sleeves of all the words from the saga. DO IT someone. COMMIT or else your shit is WEAK!

From the badass mother effer file comes my favorite Twilight tattoo so far. Nothing says “I will ef your shiz so fast” like a “Cullen” knuckle tatt. FORKS REPRESENT!

From the “I took a couple Literature classes and look at my lace panties” file we have the “Fire & Ice” tattoo along with something from Edna St Vincent Millay, Shakespeare, and a partridge and a pear tree and someones rib cage.

Next to Jimmy Neutron/Edward of the Shire tattoo, this one of my next favorite portrait tattoo. This Edward has a hot ass mullet and a wonk eye. I’m think this girl took in our “picture” of the dealbreaker Rob mullet. So sexy.

and now… witness the piece de resistance

Courtesy of PeopleofWalmart we have the tattoo that was emailed to us at least 2390492034 times last week! Bonus points for it actually looking like Robert Pattinson is hiding in the back of this woman’s White Stag sweater at Walmart. Negative points for her being able to buy 96 cent KoolAid and me not having a Walmart within reasonable driving distance.

Oh Monday, with these Tattoos you are somewhat bearable. SOMEWHAT. You know what would make it more bearable? For Rob to pull out that guitar and start playing… but I guess we’ll have to settle for some tattoos in the meantime.

CULLEN PRIDE!
Themoonisdown

Are you planning your Twilight tattoo? What would you get? I’m thinking a version of Mount Rushmore with the 4 directors: Hardi, Weitz, Slade, Condon and SMeyer on the end. Totally normal, no?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

Open Weekend Post: Inspired by stuff I find when I’m not trying

Dear LTTers,

While I’m just perusing the interwebs, researching for my latest letter, looking for pretty pictures of Edward & Bella to go with my latest post, I come across shit I wish I didn’t have to see.

Today I decided I’ve had enough. You have to see it as well:

And I’ll leave us with that. Because we HAVE to discuss…. is that Alice telling Renesmee an old fairytale about her and Jasper? Or is Jacob copping a feel??

Going to take a shower,
UnintendedChoice

All the beautiful images were found by googling “Breaking Dawn,” but I don’t suggest you try it

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

Tweed Edward vs High-School Edward

I’m almost home! Have you missed me? Probably not, because I posted some pretty kick-ass fan letters this week. THIS ONE is not any different!

Dear Summit Execs/Twilight & New Moon hair, makeup & wardrobe people:

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a thirty-something married mom.  Middle class, suburbs, Midwesterner, blah blah blah.  All I’m missing is the minivan and that’s only because that would cramp my style.  But I digress.  My purpose of writing is to discuss with you the urban myth of women hitting their sexual primes in their 30s.  When I turned 30, my husband waited with baited breath but as I was 4 days away from going into labor with our 2^nd child, there was no sexual awakening that night.  The next year, same thing-hubs crossing the digits-but apparently taking care of a 3 year old and a 1 year old doesn’t make you frisky.  Who knew??  Another year or two or four went by and the husband was like a kid who has found out Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Then in April 2009, I picked up Twilight.  I started reading it one night in bed while the hubs was snoring next to me, probably dreaming of Farrah Fawcett (holdover adolescent crush, RIP Jill Munroe).  I read through a few chapters and was intrigued but not hooked.  Yet.  That next night, I had a naughty dream about Edward and woke up………IN LOVE.

Cue obsession with all things Robward.

Cue voracious reading of consecutive novels in “The Saga” and the first of MANY viewings of Twilight.

Cue husband’s disdain (jealousy?) of my obsession.

Cue my discovery of the “fade to black” blanks filled in via *speaks reverently* FAN FICTION.

Cue………sexual prime!

See husband’s happy face as he finds out “Yes, Virginia, Santa DOES exist.”

Myth busted, Summit.  With a little help from a fictional character from  young adult novels, of course.

So why the hell am I writing to you, Summit execs and movie hair/makeup/wardrobe people, you ask?  Because as a newly inducted member of the “Sexual Prime Club” who fantasizes about sharpening her claws, I find myself noticing young adult men in ways I never did.  (That’s normal, right?  And I did say “adult.”)  Twilight allowed me to perv on a hot, hot, hot seventeen-year-old who is really a 108-year-old vampire but portrayed by a 23-year-old man!  GENIUS!  WIN for cougars everywhere.  I can fantasize but it’s legal.  I can lust but there’s no threat of jail time and ridicule from my peers.  (Well, there’s always ridicule but no threat of “pedophile” spray-painted on my driveway.)  I can perv without a visit from Chris Hansen.

This kiss gave me the chills.  He sneaked into her bedroom!  How hot to my thirty-something old self that knows how creepy it should be! “I just wanna try one thing” INDEED!

The T shirt.  That tight jaw.  The bad-boy sheepish grin.  The crazy driving.  The stalking and voyeurism.  It’s like someone read my 14-year-old self’s diary!

Then…..New Moon happened.  (And some particularly angst-ridden FF.  And some dreaded Christmas shopping. And flu season.)

Allow this chart to illustrate:

How Twilight/New Moon affected my sex life:

This is supposed to keep my sexual prime going strong?

WTF, Summit?  Where did that hot, hot, hot high school boy go?  I don’t WANT to crush on my college Anthropology professor!  I don’t WANT to fantasize about chalk dust on tweed.  I don’t WANT to role-play getting an A for “extra credit.”  (Wait-scratch that.  That kinda sounds fun.)  I don’t WANT Edward to be as grumpy as my grandpa discussing the Great Depression and how every “kid” under the age of 45 is on drugs.

I WANT my illicit (yet legal) thrills, Summit.  I WANT high school Edward back.  Now I know Eclipse will be out soon so this letter may be too late, but millions of thirty-something libidos (and the future happiness of their partners) are counting on you.  Leather, NOT  tweed.  Sex hair, NOT old man hair.  Tight, sexy jeans, NOT elastic-waist “slacks.”  The Cullen crest cuff, NOT Grandpa’s pocket watch.

To recap:

YES please

HALE NO!

Keep the myth alive, Summit.  (You can probably expect another letter before Breaking Dawn so you don’t go the “Dad” route on Edward with sneakers and bald spots.  “Teenaged” dads can be HOT too.)

Signed,

USDA Prime

Why have we never discussed this before? Teenage Edward vs. Old Man Edward. MOON & UC FAIL! What do you think? Are you into OldManward? Or do you like the idea of the 17 year old who is really 108 but played by a 23 year old Teenagerward?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

My “Twilight: Is This Really Happening To Me” Moment

Dear LTT gals, ladies & Bobbygee (wherever you are, *sniff*),

I miss you. I’m here in sunny (please be sunny next week, please be sunny) Mexico just thinking about you, missing Moon, wondering what The Font & White Yorkie are confused about in the Twilight world & just all around really wishing you were all relaxing in paradise with me. Sorta.

Before I left for the land of never-ending margaritas, nachos on the beach & fresh lobster for dinner, I received an email from LTT-reader turned real-life friend turned girl who is going to make my gardens look pretty (her family owns a local nursery I love. Oh and by “gardens” I, of course, mean the 2 plastic pots I have sitting on the stoop outside of my apartment), Yellow911T, with the following message I just had to share:

This is normal: There are Virginia Blue Bells blooming all over the yard at our new house and it was looking a little too much like “the meadow” to resist. I borrowed cardboard Edward (Cardward? Boardward?) from my sister a had my fiancee take this picture for me. He was really embarrassed and worried that the neighbors might see us. Oh well.

I.Freakin.Love.Her (and seriously- those flowers are outside of her house!?).

What I love the most about it though is that it’s… just normal. For us anyway. Twilight has infiltrated so much of our lives. We all know that by now- nothing should shock us!

Then we go this email from a reader with the best story proving that exact point, and I had to share this as well!

The merging of two great things....

Dear LTT,

Very recently I went through one of those things in a young woman’s life that is both traumatic and earth shattering. I got dumped. By a guy I REALLY liked and thought could be “the one.” We had tons in common; he wasn’t a vampire (cause we all know how difficult that makes things), we both love Star Wars, and we had great chemistry. BOOM. He even admitted on our first date he has seen the Twilight movies with his 13 year old niece, he didn’t love them, but he saw them because she loves them. Nice right? I thought so too. So after awhile of courting (he was Edward old fashioned, he even like butterscotch candies) I felt safe enough to say “this guy is my boyfriend and everything is FANTASTIC!”

Man, was I wrong. Shortly after my announcement to family and friends that we were exclusive, said “boyfriend” told me he didn’t think I was “appropriate” for his type of life style. What this really meant was that he, being old fashioned, didn’t think my “fast” personality was right for him. That I wasn’t a “good” girl. I was devastated. Not only am I a good girl, I’m a great girl. Sure, I occasionally partake in alcohol, cigarettes, Twilight movies, and sexy make outs (trying to keep it PG-13), but that doesn’t make me “fast.” So I did what all girls do when they’re grieving (no not a three month montage to Lykke Li) I went out with my girlfriends to get drunk. Is it constructive? No. Does it help make the sad thoughts diminish for a few hours? Yes. So we go out to the local bars and who do we run into……the very, very recent ex.

That was the last straw. He looked at me with those judgmental eyes, I stared back with my drunk KStew bitch face, and I knew what I had to do. I had to find my back up, my second in command, the old stand by, I needed to find my Jacob Black. And three shots of tequila later I did. One of my oldest, dearest friends walks into the bar and walks right over to me. We are incredibly close and on occasion, have been known to “hook up.” So while the ex looked on I weaved my magic with my version of Jacob Black and before you know it we’re having a steamy make out session Twilight Fan Fic worthy. Still aggravated about being dumped cause I wasn’t a good girl, I asked, “do you think I’m a good girl?” To which he replies “anyone who leg hitches like that isn’t a good girl.” Word for word. I almost died. DIED laughing. Here we are in this intimate moment and I’m laughing my ass off and say “did you just say leg hitch, while my leg is wrapped up around your hip?” He says “yeah so what?” So what? Well now my attention was completely turned to David Slade, Eclipse, Edward, LTT comments, and most of all the question “is the guy I’m about to sleep with a unicorn?” Turns out….he is. He’s actually a Twilight-word-using unicorn. If I hadn’t completely sobered up at this point I would have thought I was dreaming. But I wasn’t. This ridiculous situation was actually happening.

After realizing a Twilight-word-using unicorn had his hand up my shirt a mixture of arousal/disgust washed over me. I didn’t know if I should be offended that my leg hitching made me “bad” or excited cause maybe I could rope this mythical creature and keep him forever. Turns out, unicorns aren’t all they are cracked up to be and his fondness for Ashley Greene annoys and confuses me. SO needless to say I used that unicorn and then sent him back to the depths of RPatz’s hair forest until I need to use him again, but I’ll never forget the night “leg hitching” was used to describe an aggressive sexual foreplay move in real life and not just by the craziness that is Stephanie Meyer.

Love,

TeamJorts

Oh girl- The ONLY thing that would have made this story better was if you were actually WEARING jorts at the time!!

So I must get back to my vacationing in the land of Tequila Tomas (he says hi). As Twilight follows me EVERYWHERE, I’m sure I will come home regaling you with stories of Mexican-Twilight adventures. Get ready!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What is your “Twilight: Is this really happening to me?” Moment?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

Two Letters in One: Big Daddy Weeps, Kellan Tweets

WTF is this?! It's like an alternate universe!

Dear Big Daddy,

Are you sad now that Taylor’s 18 and he no longer needs you? Have you and Chris Hansen met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for all-you-can-eat hot wings night because both of your schedules are virtually empty? Did you guys cry into your pitcher of domestic beer and hold each other because if there’s no need to babysit Taylor or bust us pervs than there’s no reason to live?

I saw these pictures of Taylor today and all I could think about was how sad you must be. There’s just something missing from a Taylor airport picture when you’re not in it! Sure, he’s rocking the obligatory leather jacket and that’s nice to look at for a hot minute but then I get anxious, I want to see YOU and the dad belt cell phone, pushing the luggage cart, looking for a Pizza Hut Express, thinking about ordering the personal pan pizza AND the bread sticks. What are we going to do now!? What are YOU going to do now?

Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands (read: none, I’m writing this at 1 in the morning but I love you, so I don’t care) because I came up with some ideas for you…

No, that's not an Egg McMuffin in my carryon this time, sir

Stuff you can do with your free time:
01. Finally look into those fast food franchise opportunities! I’m sure the valley needs a Sonic or a Chick Fil A (PLEASE!) and what quiet neighborhood doesn’t need a McDonald’s on the corner of their block?

02. Finally enroll in Olive Gardens “Culinary Institute of Tuscany” so you can make that Soup, Salad and Breadsticks at home any time you want!

03. Take Taylor’s Audi out for a joy ride. Call the paps and tell them “Taylor” is going to Morton’s, show up and peel out in front of them wearing your dad Oakleys. Cruise the Disney lot for some fresh meat to take to lunch. Leave fast food trash behind the front seat for Taylor to find when he comes home.

04. Get drunk on your personal supply of Olive Garden’s house wine. Drunk dial Selena Gomez and reminisce about “the good ol days.”

OH NO, I just thought of this: this means NO Big Daddy in Vancouver for reshoots??!!!! My reason for living is OVER!

Good bye world!
Themoonisdown

Ehhhh not to so fassssttt………………………………………..

Oh hai there prepare for #charitytweets and #jesustweets and #straighttweets

Dear Kellan or should I say @KellanLutz (heh, heh!)

After a long hard day of whatever it is I do in my real life I came home to see a tweet saying your brother (who knew you had a brother, let alone who knew his twitter handle? Obvious we’re NOT REAL fans)  had tweeted a mysterious new account called “@kellanlutz” so quicker than you can say “youth group lock in” I got myself over there to check it out. I needed to know if you had finally joined the insanity… and I found this…

enlarge this to break it down

So I started dissecting that thing like no bodies business and here’s the reasons I came up with that I think this is your official twitter…

Reasons I think @kellanlutz is for realz:
01. The profile pic is of you at a Cardinals game (holla AZ!) with some dudes crotches behind you that we’ve never seen before

02. the name @kellanlutz – what weirdo faker didn’t already have this? This HAS to be official or twitter ganked it for you on your behalf

03. You’re following @younglife – jesus luver! And we KNOW how much you love some hey-zeus!

04. You used the word “indigenous” (he googled that shit)

05. You followed @ashleymgreene (his true love/beard) BEFORE @IAMannalynnemcc

06. Your first tweet references being a “light to this world” – YUP, jesus lover

07. You’re following @samantharonson – You love lesbians both real and fake and since Kristen doesn’t have a twitter you had to go with the next best option.

So without having the hallowed verified check mark or emailing your people and having them call our people, cause who has time for that? These are the reasons I KNOW it’s you. And I’m here to say, it’s alright… I know you read us and it’s ok for you to follow us. Just do it… press that “follow” button… NOW!

Your #1 Accountability Partner,
Themoonisdown

PS You might wanna read my How To Twitter guide I wrote for @twilight… might help you out in the future
PPS Are you following me as I late night Tweet? West Coast Wins!

Sooooo what will we do without Big Daddy? What other stuff could he do with his free time now? Do you think @KellanLutz if for realz? How long do you think it will take before he gives in and follows us? I’m on a mission. We broke down Kaleb Nation in a week… can we get Kellan Lutz? What other indicators make you think that’s the real KL?

Stuff:
Dudes it’s that time again… time to empty out the DVR and make room for Eclipse! The lovely Jena has made an all new Eclipse DVR alertpage over on the forum. CHECK IT before you wreck it.

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Life after Breaking Dawn- A Contemplation

It’s UC, posting from the past (seriously, I’m drafting this like 2 years in advance) because I’m still on my romantic vacation with my husband having the BEST time of my life drinking the BEST drinks in creation (please don’t rain in Mexico, please don’t rain in Mexico). Today we have a great letter about life AFTER Breaking Dawn. Dream with us (or be horrified), won’t you?

Dear Stephenie,

Have you ever stopped to think about what life will be like a few years or so down the road for everyone with the way you ended Breaking Dawn? If not you should and I think you should consider about writing about it (AFTER you finish and publish Midnight Sun of course).

First you should probably know a couple things about me. I loved Breaking Dawn with all it’s flaws, even the ones that infuriated me (case in point: Edward delaying sex AGAIN after Bella’s a vamp on her first hunt. I yelled at the book/Edward. He finally can have worry free sexy time and he doesn’t take the opportunity? He has been a 17 year old for like 90 years, you KNOW he wants to get some. But no, he stops Bella by mentioning the kid. Seriously!? …but I digress…). Where was I? Oh yes things you should know about me. I’m an idealist and hopeless romantic, so as a result I have a weakness for getting a happy ending (twss). I like details. And another thing is I always want more. My mind constantly wonders, “then what?” I want the story to go on not wanting it to end. So I’ve thought several times since I’d first read Breaking Dawn “what would happen?”

Will the Volturi go after and kill Joham for his experimenting and creating those half-vamps? Will the Volturi stop there, or will they kill Nahuel the guy who saved them all from a bloodbath and his sisters? What will the Cullens do when they find out about it? Will they step in and go ninja on the Volturi’s asses and be the new Volturi family and everyone will live in fear of the Cullen’s wrath instead? Will all vampires for the rest of eternity say “you don’t provoke the Cullens unless you want to die”? Or will the Volturi do a sneak attack on the Cullens and try to take out Renesmee first?

Yes all of these things and much more have run through my mind. But the most nagging questions for me have been surrounding the four most central characters at the end of the story: Edward, Bella, Jacob, Renesmee… and sex. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m a very sexually minded creature).

Find out what this idealist, sexually-minded creature comes up with for “Life after Breaking Dawn” after the jump!

Breaking Down the Eclipse Trailer – It’s the Circle of Life and a Rave all wrapped up in a wig

Dear UC,

Yes, I’m writing you about the Eclipse trailer that premiered on Oprah on Friday. Since you’re outta the country without a lifeline internet connection, I am by myself! Who am I supposed to talk to about the trailer? I feel like I’m all alone! Ok, maybe not we have a billion friends and blog readers, but still it’s just not the same! I feel like I’m cheating. I keep looking over my shoulder because I think you’re gonna walk in and catch me breaking it down with someone else. Well, I did and it was goooood. It wasn’t you and me but it was gooooood. And so is the trailer. There’s lots to discuss. The ring, The Riley, The Circle of Life… LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Moon: Brookie, we need to break down this trailer PRONTO! UC has gone south of the border, Calli is drunker than Cathi Hardwicke at TGIFriday’s all you can drink Cinco De Mayo celebration and The Font won’t answer my calls. It’s just you and me girl. You, me and some questionable hairlines.

Brooke: lemme watch again I love how the trailer starts off with Bella wearing a hoodie like it isn’t already the 800 pound gorilla in the room let’s hide the hideous wig under a hoodie. NO ONE will notice
Moon: HAHAHAHAAH exactly its so obvious they tightened the shot to keep her hairline out of like 3/4ths of the shots in the trailer. COME ON!

Brooke: I also don’t get who in the make up department has it out for rob

Dude, tell me before she shows up... do I look like Caspar?

Brooke: he’s a funking gorgeous guy and yet he looks closer to Ronald McDonald than Edward Cullen
Moon: some poor girl who thought he turned her down during the filming of twilight and it just turns out he was so embarrassed he was mumbling
Brooke: hahaha, he probably proposed and she took it seriously she probably breaks make up brushes every time she has to do K’s makeup
Moon: Wouldn’t you?

Follow the cut to feast on some Riley, talk about Ronald McDonald and Raves