Open Weekend Post: Inspired by stuff I find when I’m not trying

Dear LTTers,

While I’m just perusing the interwebs, researching for my latest letter, looking for pretty pictures of Edward & Bella to go with my latest post, I come across shit I wish I didn’t have to see.

Today I decided I’ve had enough. You have to see it as well:

And I’ll leave us with that. Because we HAVE to discuss…. is that Alice telling Renesmee an old fairytale about her and Jasper? Or is Jacob copping a feel??

Going to take a shower,
UnintendedChoice

All the beautiful images were found by googling “Breaking Dawn,” but I don’t suggest you try it

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

What ever happened to…

Dear LTTers,

We’ve been with you for awhile now and over the past year and 4 months we’ve talked about a lot. A lot of themes and characters have come and gone. Some people who were SO vital to our – err- organization are like distant memories. Today we begin a new series where we dig into the past and find out whatever happened to… whoever we’ve sadly stopped talking about. First on today’s list…..

Buttcrack Santa

After his wild success playing the role of “Buttcrack Santa” in Twilight in 2008, Ned Bellamy went on to star as a secondary, mostly-forgotten character in a few episodes of 2 different, barely watched television shows and as the highly popular character named “Cabinet Member” in the television series 24. No- I got that wrong. He was the “character name “Cabinet Member” in the highly popular television series 24. He has not yet worked in 2010.

In his spare time he either writes or reads one-shot fan fic about himself:

Just in time for Christmas! This is what I think happened during the “butt-crack Santa incident”. Written in Waylon’s POV One-shot.

Seeing Bella all grown up reminded me of the last time I saw her. It was Christmas. Charlie brought four-year-old Bella to a Christmas party. I decided to suprise the kids and dress up like Santa Clause. Well, the suit was a little big, so I stuffed it with a few pillows.

At about seven o’clock, I came out to give out the presents. All the kids lit up, especially Bella. I gave out all the presents from under the tree. There was one last present left, but the bow was stuck on a branch. I bent down to get it unstuck and I heard some giggling. I thought it was just from getting the present caught on the tree, but Bella blurted out, “Ew! Butt crack!” Everyone laughed. I pulled the sagging Santa pants up and finally got the present unstuck and gave it to it’s owner. The rest of the party went fine, but I didn’t get up from the couch the rest of the night. When Charlie was about to leave to take Bella home, he patted me on the back and said, “Good job, butt-crack Santa.” Bella giggled and they went home.

A.N.: Now, wasn’t that a good holiday Pick-me-up? Now click that little green button below and give me a nice, tasty review!

P.S. Beware of ill-fitting Santa suits!

(Go review that fic & make that writer’s- aka Ned Bellamy’s- day)

The 100 Monkeys

Once known for their ability to write a hit song about an every day object found in the puffy-painted canvas tote of a fan club member, the 100 Monkeys have seemed quiet as of late. Or has it just been our incredible lack of care for Jackson Rathbone as compared to the other cast members like we were accused of in a recent fan letter:

Hooray- a way for you to make up for your inexcusable neglect of Jackson Rathbone- have you been covering the 100 City tour?  did you have pictures of the black eye? did you write about the Hard Rock Las Vegas brouhaha? have you shown us awesome Last Airbender trailers?  noooo it’s all about Kellen in underwear ads and Taylor’s father for some unfathomable reason.
Anyway here’s your chance to make it all up.  Jackson and the 100 Monkeys will be in Philadelphia April 8th at the North Star and it would be lovely if you would attend and tell us about it.
Coco
secret
Unfortunately I was busy on April 8th ogling pictures of Kellan Lutz in his undewear and photoshopping Big Daddy Lautner getting stuck in the drive thru window of a McDonalds and couldn’t make the show. However, maybe in a few years I’ll think about attending one again after my ears heal from the last time I saw the band in Philadelphia.
secret
However, in keeping with the theme of “Whatever happened to” and in no way writing this to appease Coco (even though I love nothing more than to bend over backwards for someone’s bitchy request), I did some research on the band. The Monkeys now have a pretty cool-looking website and seem to still run around town with Marty the Bananager. They are reconsidering his role in the band as the banana suit smells so bad that it’s actually keeping the girls away. This spring the band is on a 100 city tour and Jackson latest “look” is turning me- normally a lover of hippie, dirty rock boys- into a lesbian. Their music is just as bad- if not worse- than when I first saw them a year ago. Believe me, I just spent the last 5 minutes listening to clips of their songs on the “100 Monkeys Jukebox” praying for something I could tolerate. I came up empty handed.
secret
On the new website, there is a “Chatter” section where their fans can discuss the latest color of puffy paint to use on their canvas Monkey bag & share with each other (and hope that the band will take a peek too) the most recent art inspired by the band. For example:

This beautiful masterpiece

Or this- the best Jackson has looked in 2 whole years:

(I actually like this- shhh don't tell)

And I’m so happy to have finally found Moon’s birthday present:
Find out MORE after the jump! Continue reading

Before we had the REAL thing

Dear 2007 & 2008,

I’ve been reminiscing. Reminiscing about a time before the drama of “Is David Slade or isn’t David Slade being replaced by a taller director?” and “Are Rob & Kristen really making love for hours on end in front of a fire on a bear skin rug or are they just banging quickly on a leopard printed one?” I was thinking back to YOUR time- when casting announcements were just being announced for the movies, a petition was being sent around to have Rob replaced in the films & Big Daddy hadn’t yet become a household name. Melissa Rosenberg hadn’t yet penned “How you likin’ da rain Arizona,” and Cathy Hardi was still hard at work coming up with a list of “terrible, awful, no good lines for Rob Pattinson to say when Kristen Stewart first climbs on his back.” Sigh… those were the good ol’ days.

Actually, I wasn’t around then but I would have been if I had known better. However, as I’ve read every page and seen every image the internet has to offer about the Twilight saga & its actors, I’ve discovered that things were different back then. Things were different before. Before the hype. Before the drama. Before there were promo photos, videos and interviews. Before anyone knew any better….. This stuff was made:

Back when Edward Cullen, the 21st century’s Romeo, was seen as a vampire with a mullet and loved a heroine who young enough to give Chris Hansen a MAJOR career booster.

Back when Pete Wentz was someone’s dream Edward Cullen

Back when a REAL Native American was expected to play Jacob

Back when Ronald McDonald fought a random Italian dude for Bella’s love

Back when no one was good enough for Rob Pattinson, so Ariel had to fill in

Was Ashlee Simpson someone’s dream Rosalie? Check it out after the jump! Continue reading

Dear Renesmee

Dear Reneesmee, Renesemee, Renesmee, Renesmee,

First of all, can we address the spelling of your name? Every time I have to write it I have to slow down and think for a second. Or grab my Breaking Dawn book or look at a past letter where we mentioned you. It’s annoying. And I’m still not sure “Renesmee” is even how you even spell it. I get it- Mommy wanted to be all cute and pay homage to both of your grandmom’s,  but couldn’t she have just named you “Renee” or “Esme” and given you a middle name like the other gma’s? Whatever, that’s the least of what I’d change if I had my way.

Anyway, I figured it was about time I wrote to you directly. I’ve mentioned you over the past year- usually in advice letters to Jacob where I warn him that Chris Hansen is closing in- but I want to have a heart-to-heart. You see, I never really had a problem with you. I was one in the minority. Sure, I cringed a little when I realized what it meant when mommy was eating all those eggs & getting fatter. But it wasn’t a “OMG they just made a human/vampire cross-breed that’s gonna be creepy and have an inappropriate relationship with her mommy’s ex boyfriend” kind of way. It was more a “Oh shit, really Edward & Bella? Are you stupid? Your sex life is over. Don’t you know that having a baby changes EVERYTHING? Instead of hot, sweaty nights breaking headboards and tickling each other with feathers, it’s changing poopy diapers and trying to keep that wolf at bay. Your sex life is OVER” (Okay, I really have no idea as I’m not a mother, but that’s the reason I keep telling myself I don’t want kids, so it’s all I know) I also didn’t take into consideration that Aunt Rose would sort of claim you as her own and it’s really her & Uncle Emmett’s sex life that is ruined. But anyway, discussing sex with a baby is pretty creepy, so I’m gonna stop.

If I had known about this, you would have creeped me out

You didn’t creep me out. You seemed cute and I loved how your family doted on you. You definitely changed the dynamic between your mommy & daddy, and I wasn’t exactly on board- I’m an adult with a job and bills and taxes and stuff. The reason I liked your mommy and daddy is because they were innocent kids without the worries of 401ks and global warming. (What the crap? I have NEVER worried about my 401k once) And now that you’re around… well, it seems like things might get more complicated. Instead of dirty talk it’s daycare talk. Instead of where Daddy is going to whisk Mommy off for Valentine’s day it’s “Can we trust the dog to not make a move while we’re gone.” And Daddy will stop looking at Mommy when she’s looking sexy and instead say, “Have you seen our daughter!? She looks wayyyyy too sexy. I read Jacob’s mind. Lock.Her.Up.Now.” I didn’t sign up for that. But all-in-all, I liked you!

However…. things have changed. In the past year I’ve met many of those in the majority- the closest one being Moon. I’ve heard the other side of the story. The side where people DON’T overlook the creepiness that your best friend Jacob will one day do things to you that would get us all arrested if I mention them now. I was never okay with that part of the story, I’ll admit. But I let it slide because it was one blimp in my perfect fantasy world. But as I’ve had Twilosophical conversations with friends and readers & commenters and then as I’ve discovered the world of “Renesmee Fan art,” I have to admit…. I might be switching Teams. I was on “Team Renesmee as long as I can still get hot Bella & Edward scenes” but now I’m on “Team maybe the Volturi should get Renesmee but leave everyone else alone” Oh- I don’t mean that (but I kinda do) It’s just that….. you’re creepy. A baby with special abilities? Who has a relationship with a wolf who used to love her mother? A wolf that will one day become her lover?

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

Yeah, mommy knows how I feel.

Renesmee & Jacob

If it wasn't inappropriate, I'd make a doggy style joke here

So where do we go from here? How can you and I get back to the side of the minority- where I overlooked your creepiness so I could claim that, “The Twilight Saga is the best worst-written book series of all time”? I don’t know. I was going to say maybe Stephanie will write a new saga- picking up 10 years from where we left off- where you’re a full-grown adult and Jacob is allowed to have those thoughts about you like the ones he once had for your mommy. But then I realized that I bet Jacob/Renesmee fan fiction exists- I’m willing to bet my 401k on this- and I can’t imagine the creepiness. Oh, I’m sure it’s not some pedophilia stuff about you as a child with Jacob, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care that Jacob’s body is frozen in time. Even if you are 10 with the body of a 17 year old, and Jacob is only 27 with the body of a 17 year old, you’re still TEN YEARS OLD. And he is TWENTY-SEVEN. And he kissed your MOMMY. I don’t care if that was because he loved her future unborn child that neither one of them knew about. THIS IS JUST ALL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO HANDLE.

Also, I can’t believe I wrote an entire letter where I said Daddy & Mommy 16 times. I feel weird. I’m gonna go get drunk now- like a proper adult.

Love (sort of),
Aunt UnintendedChoice

Let’s talk Renesmee. Do you love her? Did you love her? Are you creeped out? Discuss!

And if you’re NOT creeped out, you will be after you see this:

Click. Seriously now. Click

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Twilight stuff that should not exist…. then some that should

Dear Twilight art lovers,

While we’re waiting for the leg hitch anything from David Slade & Summit, I thought we’d take a stroll through the Twilight Saga Art Gallery to see what’s new. What I love about this saga is all the crap it provides that I can make fun of that with each new movie, more and more people are inspired to make horrifying beautiful art. I hope their inspiration doesn’t wane. And I hope that with the new stills of Eclipse that we’re sure to see any day now and the eventual images of Taylor Lautner and a little girl from Toddlers and Tiara’s and the shots of Kristen Stewart with a prosthetic pregnant stomach when Breaking Dawn starts filming, some creative artists will make us drawings, paintings, sculptures and finger puppets so that the images of Taylor and a baby and Kristen with child can be etched in our minds forever. And with just the touch of a button and the virtual swipe of a credit card on Etsy, we can each have a physical reminder of the incredible creepiness of the storyline of a grown boy imprinting on a child powerful story of love between Edward & Bella.

First, an artful homage to Jacob Black

Good thing she copywrote this drawing. I was about to make 1,000 copies and sell them at the Remember Me premiere in March for Rob to sign. (Instead I’ll just bring him my Twilight books)

Something for your baby to wear in the church nursery

Oh you think this is just an attractive pic of Taylor Lautner shirtless? I did too. Look closely at what he’s touching

Let’s not forget about Jasper

The crazy thing is, he actually looks better here than he does in the movies….

And how about a little Robsten art love?

These little upside-down clay pots representing Bella & Edward come with a cardboard cut out of the Meadow scene for you to act out when your husband is asleep!

Don’t ask why. Ask why not!

Thankfully, there is GOOD Twilight art out there. Follow the jump to see some that might be new to you! Continue reading

Thankful for David Slade (hopefully)

Dear David Slade,

I was asked to write a letter about what I’m thankful for this Twi-giving—I mean, Thanksgiving.  I couldn’t think of anything.  I mean, I’m grateful for the usual stuff like having a house to live in and not being dead from some horrible disease.  But relative to Twilight, I’ve got nothing left to say that hasn’t been said before.

So instead, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re going to deliver an incredible movie with Eclipse.  In advance, I thank you for the following:

This is all I ask...

The Leg Hitch.
I know you already have this “in the can”.  If Jesus loves me, and the song tells me He does, you spent six weeks of your filming schedule on the leg hitch alone.  Like those action movies where they show the car exploding from eight points of view, so should you show the Hitch from every possible vantage point.  Front angles, back angles, aerial views, slo-mo, hidden cameras in the inseam of Bella’s pajama pants–I want it all.  Also, sound effects are pivotal here.  No music (unless you can convince Tom Jones to let you use “You Can Leave Your Hat On”—that would be epic).  Only the sound of fabric-on-fabric as Edward slides Bella’s leg over his hip.  I know you won’t let me down.  So thank you for that.

Please, God. No

The Ring.
Edward’s mother’s ring.  The one he guilts Bella into letting him give her.  You’re not cheaping out on this one, are you?  Because you know that Hot Topic is going to sell a replica of it, and you know that I’m going to buy it and wear it around just like I had good sense.  So you hired a real jeweler to create the most stunning engagement ring, and you didn’t pay any attention to the way Stephenie Meyer described it, because it sounds god-awful big and tacky in the book.  You did these things because you love me, and because I’m faithful enough to thank you in advance, and because you don’t want to see eight million shoddy imitations of an ugly ring at the premiere.  I know you did.  Thank you.

Why aren't my camping trips like this?

The Tent Scene.
I want to know what EXACTLY Edward is seeing in Jacob’s mind during the tent scene. I don’t care if it appears in a poorly superimposed thought bubble above Taylor’s head, so long as I see Jacob doing all the freaky stuff he wants to do to/with Bella. You’ve certainly filmed this in glorious detail, you dirty, tiny man. I appreciate it.

The Soundtrack.
I know you’ve already got a message in with Tom Jones’ people about “You Can Leave Your Hat On”, but I’m hoping you’re working on getting rights to “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls for that non-canon “Edward alone in his room” scene you filmed.  Also, we haven’t gotten any decent rap songs with the franchise, and I heard 50 Cent say he was a fan.  You’ve taken advantage of this to get Fiddy to do a cameo as the entertainment Alice hired for the graduation party, haven’t you?  You’re the tops.

So, Dave, you have a pair of giant yellow pants to fill now that we’ve seen the DILF’s New Moon. Today I’ve given you preemptive thanks, which will be revoked immediately upon a poorly delivered leg hitch, a detail free tent scene, a gaudy ring or a boring soundtrack.  Don’t make me hunt you down in June.

Gratefully,

Tiffanized

P.S. Seriously, though, I’m thankful for Moon and UC, who, despite presumably having real jobs and living three thousand miles apart, manage to seamlessly bring us Twilight-related content with heaping side dishes of snark every day.  Even Sunday.  I’ll admit to being so lazy I don’t even read on the weekends.  Anyway, I’m not just saying this because I’m three days late handing in this assignment.  Without Bunny and Noreen I’d be on some other Twi-site, in a sea of Twimoms and squealing fourteen-year-olds, with the WordPress user name “Mrs. Cullen”, posting comments like, “ZOMG Rob is so HAWT ZOMG I want to marry him and have all his babies.”  Actually, I think I’ve made that exact comment on here before, so nix that.  The point is, Moon and UC make me work for it, make me laugh, and generally make me feel normal.  Thank you ladies.

Tiffanized- we love you. And you brought tears to my eyes. First from laughter and then from sappy feelings. It might be the anticipation of the pie I can smell in the other room though, so don’t get too big of a head. :) We love you. And are thankful that YOU are a part of our community! XO

Member we’re busy with holiday stuff this weekend so patience getting comments approved! In the meantime:
Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

A Twilight blogger in need of help

Dear LTT Fashionistas,

I need help. I have a really important event to go to, and I need to make a really good impression. It’s important that I be ‘set apart’ at this event and really show my unique “UC-ness.” I thought of a few things- I love cats so I could wear whiskers (scratchy). I love cupcakes and I could constantly eat one (fattening). Then it hit me. Duh. Twilight.

So here’s what I have picked out for my outfit so far:

The shirt

tshirtUntitled-1

Custom made t-shirt from this pattern found here via the ever helpful Google images.

The Pants

Pattinson Pants lady won’t return my call (I think she’s mad that we won’t post her TomStu pants- we told her “We don’t run letterstostu.com, Pattinson Pants lady”…) so I’m improvising here, but I’m pretty happy with how my very own “Creepy pics of Rob Pattinson Pants” came out:

pants

The Shoes

shoes

I’ve had  my eye on these bad boys ever since I posted them in the Twilight art gallery a few months ago.  What a perfect time to break them in!

The Bag

This is where you all come in. I need help. There are so many options and I don’t know what to do.  Let me know which of the following bags are your favorite to complete my outfit:

daisybag

pinkbag

polkabag

zebrapurse

gqbag

There are SO many good options and it’s SO hard to decide! HELP!

(Psst: here is the outfit so far…. You can see how it really needs one of those bags to complete the look!)

completeoutfit

Good catch! I DID leave a little room to show off my belly. Sexy, huh?

Thanks for your help! I’m really gonna SHINE at this event!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Just in case: How to tell if someone is using sarcasm

Discuss my outfit on The Forum
Tell Rob how jealous you are of my hottness on LTR

To the bag lady and cover purses lady on Etsy. Thank you for the beautiful items of which I can make fun.

And Thank you, April, for finding the perfect bag options to go along with my outfit!

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