Bill Condon: Reading between the lines

Dear Bill Condon,

Welcome to the Fandom! Welcome to the crazy! Welcome to a decision you will most likely regret!!! Moon & I enjoyed reading your letter a few weeks ago. It was kinda weird to read and completely unnecessary, but we get it. This fandom is unlike any other and expectations are high. We just want to let you know we don’t expect much. I mean, we expect a LOT- like there better be a LOT of feathers (so much that they cover HER completely, if you could), Renesmee better not be creepy & you better make sure to time the birth scene with my mid-movie bathroom break. But we’re pretty easy-going gals & Unicorns around these parts. We just want Rob Pattinson naked a true representation of Breaking Dawn with lots of naked Edward except a version that’s much more R-rated. NC-17 is cool too. I’ve never seen one of those. Unless you count looking at Ashley Greene’s naked pictures that one time..

Moon & I were just STRUCK at the political correctness of your letter. I mean, I guess what else were you going to do? Come out yelling “YOU’RE ALL SOFA KING CRAZY AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DO MY JOB?” (That would’ve RULED) I’m sure you wanted to. Or maybe you’re confused and have no idea why anyone would suggest that. Oh, Bill.. you have so much to learn. We’ll teach you soon, we promise.

Although… it seems like you’re a pretty smart dude. I want to think you’ve done your homework and you DO know what you’re getting yourself into. Your letter left a LOT unsaid… and we didn’t waste anytime reading between the lines. In the following “Break Down” of your letter, I selected the color green for your words so we don’t get confused with our interpretation. I choose green because green is what? GOOD! (Don’t worry- It’s a Twilight joke. You won’t get it)

Moon: Oh, Bill… we ALL can read between the lines of your letter
UC
: how so?
Moon
: I mean writing a letter is a tricky thing, hello we’ve done it for quite a while now. So Bill is trying to talk to the fandom but you can see he thinks some other things about it as well…….like the opening line- when I first tried to read the letter over a week ago, I couldn’t read past the opening line:

Greetings Twihards, Twifans, Twilight Moms, Team Edward, Team Jacob and Team Switzerland,

UC: It’s cuz we don’t fit in any of those categories
Moon
: He sounds like the new teacher or a step parent or new boss trying to show you he’s “down with the kids” and that he gets it. Come on, really? Team Switzerland?! That’s soooo 2007 right? We weren’t even around then but imagine it to be so. He might as well have put:

Dear Dorks, nerds, girls who shop at Hot Topic and think they’re “goth,” sex crazed moms with 4 kids and girls with no lives, I’m here to write you because I know you’re crazy

UC: YES!! I feel left out of this letter
Moon
: Right- like where’s: “Dear reluctant girls who love this saga but haven’t really told anyone other than those 2 others girls you met online about your mild (serious) obsession- I’m here to tell you I’m gonna try not to f*ck up too bad.” THATS the letter I wanna read!
UC
: let’s be honest- do we think Team Summit told him about US? no.. Team Summit told him about the big 5 approved sites and THAT’s it!
Moon
: He should’ve been straight- like “I know we’re totes gonna fumble on some key stuff and you’re gonna hate us for a few days but we’re really gonna nail some other stuff. and besides I’m kinda a hot dude… in a nerdy pseudo-European way”
UC
: “And I can’t wait to see what you end up calling me”

After these divas, Rob Pattinson should be a PIECE OF CAKE

Moon: “I mean I’m not Chris Weitz but I direct musicals, give me SOME credit”
UC
: “The hobbit has already been taken, The DILF unfortunately can’t be mine”
Yeah… I’m looking forward to the name we come up with for him as well!
Moon
: do we know ANYTHING about him?! Is he gay, straight, married, single? kids?
UC
: no…. we will have to RESEARCH another day!
Moon
: does he just have a crazy niece who loves Twilight?
UC
: What he’s really saying is: “I’m stoked to be getting underway on the adventure of Breaking Dawn- my step daughter told me if I didn’t bring on this project she’d start dating that guy on the motorcycle with the tattoos I saw her talking to outside of the metroplex last weekend”
Moon
: I like to think he’s gay or married to a hot piece like Helen Mirren with no kids.

Gay? Married? Both? Find out after the jump! Continue reading

Breaking Down the Eclipse Trailer – It’s the Circle of Life and a Rave all wrapped up in a wig

Dear UC,

Yes, I’m writing you about the Eclipse trailer that premiered on Oprah on Friday. Since you’re outta the country without a lifeline internet connection, I am by myself! Who am I supposed to talk to about the trailer? I feel like I’m all alone! Ok, maybe not we have a billion friends and blog readers, but still it’s just not the same! I feel like I’m cheating. I keep looking over my shoulder because I think you’re gonna walk in and catch me breaking it down with someone else. Well, I did and it was goooood. It wasn’t you and me but it was gooooood. And so is the trailer. There’s lots to discuss. The ring, The Riley, The Circle of Life… LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Moon: Brookie, we need to break down this trailer PRONTO! UC has gone south of the border, Calli is drunker than Cathi Hardwicke at TGIFriday’s all you can drink Cinco De Mayo celebration and The Font won’t answer my calls. It’s just you and me girl. You, me and some questionable hairlines.

Brooke: lemme watch again I love how the trailer starts off with Bella wearing a hoodie like it isn’t already the 800 pound gorilla in the room let’s hide the hideous wig under a hoodie. NO ONE will notice
Moon
: HAHAHAHAAH exactly its so obvious they tightened the shot to keep her hairline out of like 3/4ths of the shots in the trailer. COME ON!

Brooke: I also don’t get who in the make up department has it out for rob

Dude, tell me before she shows up... do I look like Caspar?

Brooke: he’s a funking gorgeous guy and yet he looks closer to Ronald McDonald than Edward Cullen
Moon
: some poor girl who thought he turned her down during the filming of twilight and it just turns out he was so embarrassed he was mumbling
Brooke: hahaha, he probably proposed and she took it seriously she probably breaks make up brushes every time she has to do K’s makeup
Moon: Wouldn’t you?

Follow the cut to feast on some Riley, talk about Ronald McDonald and Raves
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Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity


UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse
Continue reading

How to get GUYS in the theater to see Eclipse…

We didn’t invent “Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style,” we just invented the name. So we LOVE receiving emails from YOU ALL sharing whatever it is you recently broke down with a friend, fellow twi-lover, someone you hate OR… a closeted Unicorn….

Dear Eclipse,
I became enamored with the Twilight Saga right before the first movie came out, and I was a goner. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I believe that I survived by reading the Twilight novels and watching the first movie (over and over). Eclipse was by far my favorite of the books. The intensities of the relationships kept me coming back and Bella’s indecision made me want to punch her in the face.

My husband, like most husbands, has not been supportive of my relationship with Twilight. He says the normal things, “it’s stupid” or “a waste of my time” or “a horrible story.” My immediate reaction is, “duh,” but I must stand strong for my companion who got me through so much. This has been the source of many arguments between us, usually revolving around me not cleaning house because I’m watching the movie or reading the books again. Hoping he would turn out to be some sort of closet Unicorn, I drug him to the premiere of both movies with me, along with my girlfriends, but alas, he did not turn.

I decided to become a silent fan in my home. I stopped talking about Twilight, the books, my trading cards, the Eclipse teaser trailer release, the New Moon DVD release, which DVD I would purchase and so on and so forth. I was, however, able to turn my five year old daughter into a Twi-fan, so I still had someone to share a few things with.

My weekend was horrible and I spent the majority of the weekend sulking. In an obvious effort to cheer me up, my husband came into the bedroom to show me ads from Sunday’s paper with all the different New Moon DVD’s that were coming out and the different prices. I was amazed, but I knew why he was looking at them. First, I’m going to buy one anyway, so he might as well help me save money. Second, if I’m upset, he’s not getting any.

I had not had a chance to search for anymore Eclipse news over the weekend, so when I came into work Monday morning, that was my first order of business. I was so excited to find the Sneak Peek to Eclipse. I only watched it about five times before I had to get some work done. Immediately after lunch I was chatting with my husband and told him I found that the Sneak Peek. I was shocked at the conversation to follow:

The part where I almost have a heart attack.

How 'bout a threesome guys? (click to read)

Me: There was a sneak peek from the new Twi-movie on the web. It says it’s going to be on the DVD but it’s only 2 minutes long
Me: that 7 minute one at Wally’s must be different
The Hubby: oh, i think i saw that one
The Hubby: the 2 min one
Me: the sneak peek?
The Hubby: yes
Me: you watched it?
The Hubby: yes
Me: who are you? and what have you done with Mark

The part where we discuss the subtle intricacies and a three-some with the love triangle

The Hubby: oh the turmoil
Me: hehe- it’s more fun than the trailer. You get to see everybody
The Hubby: “you must consider i might be better for her” you blood sucker
Me: LOL
The Hubby: on guard dog boy
Me: you never stop surprising me
The Hubby: it popped up somewhere so i figured what the hey
The Hubby: it’s going major soap opera now though
Me: yes, this one is a major soap opera. well, they all are
The Hubby: perhaps, but this one is major league
Me: a major league soap opera? Yes.
The Hubby: let’s make a monster sandwich
Me: huh? oh!  I got it
The Hubby: a “bella sandwich”
Me: yes, that may have crossed their minds

Eat your heart out guys- there's a NEW hot wolf in town

The one where he refers to Taylor as Fez, from That 70’s Show

The Hubby: fez is so cute with all of those muscles too
Me: all he needs is the lisp
The Hubby: i’m sure he could pull it off
Me: I’d like to see him try. that would be good stuff
The Hubby: yes

The one with the solution to the problem we Twi-nerds have been looking for! How to get our guys to want to go to the next movie! (Or at least how to get them to stop bugging us.)

Me: there is a girl wolf in this one, but I don’t think she goes topless- sorry
The Hubby: What! THIS IS AN OUT RAGE, A SEXIST OUTRAGE!
Me: I think we should broadcast your opinion. heheh
The Hubby: yes, sacrifice the teen base crowd for the twi-dads! it’s their only hope

And then I realized, the only fair thing to do, is to have Leah be topless. I will concede that I would rather not have a topless girl in the movie, but if I can drag my husband to watch it over and over without complaint, I think there is something to this idea. I’m not a lesbian, or a fake lesbian, but I want to see this movie as much as I want without getting grief.

Thank you Eclipse for considering my suggestion,
Dame Iron Fury

Have you broken it down ‘Vanity Fair Style” with a closeted Unicorn? Do the men in your life admit when they’ve watched something Twi-related!? And seriously- what ARE they gonna do about Leah running around “half-naked!?”

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Breaking it down: Eclipse Trailer, sperm donation and the Notebook

Dear LTT-ers,

SURPRISE, we broke down the Eclipse trailer, I mean what else did you expect us to do? We finally got something new from Eclipse and had to share our joy and horror and excitement and totally wild ideas together!

If you haven’t seen it yet (what the crap have you been doing?!) Here it is…

0-:25ish
UC: okay… let’s DO THIS! we’ll watch 20ish seconds and then stop and talk about it…
Moon: dont give away stuff at the end! I haven’t seen it yet!
UC: i won’t okay ready?
Moon: yes
UC: go
Moon: OHHHH black summit logo, black like their hearts (i kid, i kid!)

Hmmm wanna go get a sammy and some ice cream? Maybe some chips and salsa?

Moon: ISABELLA?!
UC: isbella…..
Moon: OOOHHHH shes in trouble! That’s her full name!
UC: STOP the trailer!
Moon: OMG!!!
UC: stops at the voluri
Moon: the volturi show up right as we stop
Moon: so lets talk about the meadow
UC: so yes- um  did Rob eat like… 10,000 bags of cheetos?
Moon: lemme watch again
UC: or did they have the dry humpy time and his shirt is all frumpled cuz he looks huge
Moon: he’s all rumpled from laying around in the meadow
UC: haha his belly! seriously it’s like.. sticking out like he is bloated
Moon: he doesnt even care anymore
UC: he’s got the girl, eaten a couple extra deer
Moon: he’s like letting it all go
UC: she looks curvy. and good
Moon: letting it all go like a real relationship
UC: they’re all.. swollen… like.. they had some major humpage in the meadow
Moon: they’re going to brunch a lot, reading newspapers, eating fattening foods cause they’re so in love…

One Vampire to rule them all, One Vampire to find them, One Vampire to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

UC: Let’s move on
Moon: to the elvin lords?
Moon: the volturi look like they’re in middle earth, surprised jane didnt speak in elvish to them

Follow the jump to break it ALL down and maybe think about your contraception plan
Continue reading

Breaking Down Swiftner aka we heart Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift HARD!

taylorsvdaykingandqueen

How ridiculously perfect is this picture?! Seriously!

Dear LTT-ers and Robsteners,

We so get it now! After the pictures of the Taylors (aka Swiftner) came out this week and the ensuing letters I wrote to them UC and I fangirled out (it was mostly a lot of high pitched “oh-em-geeing) half the day about Swiftner and how much we loved them. I started watching the clips commenters posted in the letters to the Taylors post and I knew I had a new addiction. Here’s UC and I breaking it down…

The one where I “come out”
Moon:
I officially sound like the Swiftner version of a robsten fan*
UC hahahahahahha and i like it SO much more!
Moon Yes, it’s not nearly as annoying or annoying at ALL
UC RIGHT! just cute!
Moon dude ive SO watched like 2 videos of him at her concert in Chicago. Stop me
UC: hahahahahhahaha love it!
Moon: people are posting them in the comments. She sings 15 in the audience in front of Taylor and then comes to hug the folks where he’s sitting and when she hugs him and the crowd goes nuts. its SOOO embarrassing. im embarrassed for them. and then they do that lingering hand holding thing as she walks away. Swiftner lives folks! hahahaha
UC: awwwww!!!! sooo cute!!!!
Moon its super cute
UC dude.. that’s amazing. Send me the link to the video

Moon: OMG!!! HAHAHA its even more embarrassing from this other angle
UC: Watching! Awwww!
Moon SO CUTE!
UC he’s like “i love you” SOO cute! what if he sang? i’d die if he started singing along with her!
Moon: HAHAHAH they need to do a duet. I hope taylor has seen taylors crappy student video

Follow the cut to see us have an epiphany and plot our Swiftner love blog
Continue reading

Breaking down the REST of the LA Times pics – Nude Moon

Dear LA Times-

You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.

Enjoy…

Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

Miss the first half of the break down yesterday? Catch up here!

*Warning some of this isn’t for the faint of heart… or prudish*

chrisiphone

Dear Cathy, lose my number. Thx, Chris


Am I really the Director?

Moon:
so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphone
UC: what do you FEEL when you see it?
Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)
UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the praying
Moon: or the virgin sacrifices!

C
C

Animal Sacrifices

wolfpuppet

How do I put this thing on?

UC: JAKE?
Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shots
UC: that dude needs a raise
Moon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)
UC: clearly. sick to the nast
Moon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this film
UC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fry
Moon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me

Follow the cut to read the rest
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