Psst- read this article before you read today’s letter or else you’ll be confused
First I want to congratulate you on your gorgeous pics in Elle UK. They make me wish I was a guy so we could get it on or wish you liked girls & I liked girls so we could be something special- – wait… no they don’t… That’s weird. Just stating for the record that I’m a straight girl who in no way wants to see your “cooter.” However, I would like to borrow your sweater.
Moving on, there are a few things from the article accompanying the pictures that I’d like to discuss:
We get it
You don’t have to keep reiterating it. We got it the first thousand times you said it. You care. You give a sh*t. You care so much that it literally makes you want to give your sh*t to people. Got it. You never have to say it again. We won’t forget. Promise.
It sounds kinda f*cking crazy (oh ps, I’m gonna talk hardcore all letter-long. You inspired me) You speed, you “simultaneously light a cigarette and overtake a truck.” You answer your phone while driving (illegal in CA, by the way) and your foot was “still heavy on the accelerator pedal.” SLOW DOWN! We can’t have Breaking Dawn without Bella now can we? What would Isle Esme be like? Edward… by himself…. just him on an island.. bathing…. swimming…. naked…alone…. Oh wait…that might not be so bad
The interviewer describes you as “In a slightly grotty hoodie, skinny jeans and a pair of old sneakers, greasy hair flopping around…” and says you “bite on a hangnail with her teeth” (What ELSE would she bite with , interview lady?) Plus there are vivid pictures painted of you smoking a ‘fag’ (that’s the only word I could come up with dirty enough for cigarette) and holding your broken blackberry case (they sell rubber ones at 5 & below, FYI) with the battery exposed.
To be honest, I’m concerned with your safety AND health. You’re not showering regularly, you’re speeding, you’re smoking and you leave an exposed battery close to your face? Who’s taking care of you? Cause we certainly know it isn’t Robert Pattinson.
The question you WON’T answer
“What I say is, then why would I want anything that’s private to become entertainment for other people?”
Too F*cking late hunny. You’ve been entertaining people since the moment they saw the bedroom kiss scene in Twilight. And then when Catherine Hardwicke confirmed that there was “chemistry” and kinda did a pelvic thrust in the air so that we’d catch her drift (Cathy- we ALWAYS catch your drift) it just got worse. But I’m here to tell you that this is what would change in my life if you admitted you and Rob were together:
I would continue to lust after your boyfriend on my blog LTR. I would continue to talk about how you make love on a bear skin rug in front of a fire because it’s one of my very favorite topics of conversation. I would continue to make manips of your future children & your future grandchildren- with Rob with sexy grandpa hair. I’d create a future family portrait and show it hanging on a flannel wallpapered wall. (I would actually never do that, but I’d be happy to continue FINDING the many manips that exist like this and tweet them out every Friday night after a few G&Ts) I would continue to think people obsessed with your love or obsessed with hating your love is weird. And I would continue to use their weirdness as MY entertainment. That’s it.
The ‘entertainment’ of Robsten IS in the guessing. So stop entertaining and just mother f*cking admit it (F*ck- I added that for emphasis because I’ve been inspired to be hard core today, as you remember)
(I would like to take this moment in time to point out you said this about those obsessed with your relationship:
“They pick up every little scrap, and that’s much worse”
and remind those that “pick up every scrap” that she’s talking to you. And doesn’t like it.)
While I’m not sure WHY you were discussing names for female anatomy, I AM sure that I haven’t heard the word “Cooter” since my 12 year old chubby cousin called me that after digging up worms in our grandma’s yard. And for the record, MY favorite word for that is “box” (pick your fav here- and pay special attention to the LAST one listed)
The other stuff
- Your love for cats- marry me. We can be old crazy fake lesbian cat ladies together. Jella & (my cat) Jonas could get married and have little kitties with “J” names too
- The 3rd album you were talking about- I have a good guess. Don’t count on it.
- Li-Lo comment: that was nice. Almost too nice because she is somewhat at fault…
Then there’s the lobster shack: Number 1, Moon can we go there when I visit? It sounds yummy (and I wanna take pictures of the Krisbians lined up for days on end hoping she comes back) and Number 2 this (reason why you wouldn’t order your own damn food)
“It’s an interaction thing. It would be fine if people talked shit about me at their own table, but sometimes you’re just not in the right state of dress to talk to people, and they’re like, “Oh she IS a crack whore, just like Perez says.”
First, SERIOUSLY K? Why are you reading Perez!? If you want to see yourself with jizz drawn on your face, I can send you my personal collection! Don’t sweat what Perez says. NO ONE takes that shit seriously. Secondly, come on… if someone- ANYONE walks into a place where I consume food “In a slightly grotty hoodie, skinny jeans and a pair of old sneakers, greasy hair flopping around…” “biting on a hangnail with her teeth” smoking a fag, I’m probably gonna talk about it. And tweet it. And blog about it- even if she isn’t famous. Can you blame them? Good choice on the ahi-tuna burger though. Damn I’m hungry
It was cute of you to share a secret moment with the interviewer. I didn’t know Taylor Lautner liked cats too! We should have a kitty party! Just as long as you promise not to mention the word “cooter.” I’m pretty sure that would make Taylor cry!
Your interview reminded me how young you are- you say “kids my age” and I remember, “oh yeah.. she is still a kid.” You’re JUST getting into The Smiths and Camera Obscura? [Moon says not to underestimate the kids in the suburbs- she knew who Joan Jett was well before your age. Sadly, I did not. I listened to Avalon. Adonai is where it's at] And then..… Interpol? And you described who Broken Bells were!? I mean… seriously- love them all and they’re great, but I haven’t heard anyone mention Interpol as a “new band they’re into” since 2004. And while I appreciate knowing you’re listening to good stuff & not Miley & Beiber, just STOP talking about! it!! Don’t you know that all the Twi-hards are going to force the ticket prices up to the shows I want to go!? And I’m sure you’re listening to The Smith’s on vinyl (if not, start now) but NEVER EVER admit to it. I will hold you responsible if I can’t ever find their records any more at my favorite stores. K, I feel like you need an older influence in your life. Someone to borrow clothes from before an interview, help you quit smoking, buy some duc tape for that broken BlackBerry (or just upgrade you to an iPhone) and introduce you to bands while reminding you to never mention their names in interviews. Oh and to borrow that sweater. Which I assume you stole from the photoshoot? Because you know a guy who taught you that’s what you’re supposed to do…right?
“Let’s get out of the this country,”
What did you think of the Elle interview? Do you wanna go fake lesbian for Kristen’s pictures? Think we’re supposed to assume it’s “you know who” in the picture with the cat on her iPod? WHO PUTS PICTURES ON THEIR iPOD!?
Read the whole interview & see scans of the pictures on TwiCrack