Bill Condon: Reading between the lines

Dear Bill Condon,

Welcome to the Fandom! Welcome to the crazy! Welcome to a decision you will most likely regret!!! Moon & I enjoyed reading your letter a few weeks ago. It was kinda weird to read and completely unnecessary, but we get it. This fandom is unlike any other and expectations are high. We just want to let you know we don’t expect much. I mean, we expect a LOT- like there better be a LOT of feathers (so much that they cover HER completely, if you could), Renesmee better not be creepy & you better make sure to time the birth scene with my mid-movie bathroom break. But we’re pretty easy-going gals & Unicorns around these parts. We just want Rob Pattinson naked a true representation of Breaking Dawn with lots of naked Edward except a version that’s much more R-rated. NC-17 is cool too. I’ve never seen one of those. Unless you count looking at Ashley Greene’s naked pictures that one time..

Moon & I were just STRUCK at the political correctness of your letter. I mean, I guess what else were you going to do? Come out yelling “YOU’RE ALL SOFA KING CRAZY AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DO MY JOB?” (That would’ve RULED) I’m sure you wanted to. Or maybe you’re confused and have no idea why anyone would suggest that. Oh, Bill.. you have so much to learn. We’ll teach you soon, we promise.

Although… it seems like you’re a pretty smart dude. I want to think you’ve done your homework and you DO know what you’re getting yourself into. Your letter left a LOT unsaid… and we didn’t waste anytime reading between the lines. In the following “Break Down” of your letter, I selected the color green for your words so we don’t get confused with our interpretation. I choose green because green is what? GOOD! (Don’t worry- It’s a Twilight joke. You won’t get it)

Moon: Oh, Bill… we ALL can read between the lines of your letter
UC
: how so?
Moon
: I mean writing a letter is a tricky thing, hello we’ve done it for quite a while now. So Bill is trying to talk to the fandom but you can see he thinks some other things about it as well…….like the opening line- when I first tried to read the letter over a week ago, I couldn’t read past the opening line:

Greetings Twihards, Twifans, Twilight Moms, Team Edward, Team Jacob and Team Switzerland,

UC: It’s cuz we don’t fit in any of those categories
Moon
: He sounds like the new teacher or a step parent or new boss trying to show you he’s “down with the kids” and that he gets it. Come on, really? Team Switzerland?! That’s soooo 2007 right? We weren’t even around then but imagine it to be so. He might as well have put:

Dear Dorks, nerds, girls who shop at Hot Topic and think they’re “goth,” sex crazed moms with 4 kids and girls with no lives, I’m here to write you because I know you’re crazy

UC: YES!! I feel left out of this letter
Moon
: Right- like where’s: “Dear reluctant girls who love this saga but haven’t really told anyone other than those 2 others girls you met online about your mild (serious) obsession- I’m here to tell you I’m gonna try not to f*ck up too bad.” THATS the letter I wanna read!
UC
: let’s be honest- do we think Team Summit told him about US? no.. Team Summit told him about the big 5 approved sites and THAT’s it!
Moon
: He should’ve been straight- like “I know we’re totes gonna fumble on some key stuff and you’re gonna hate us for a few days but we’re really gonna nail some other stuff. and besides I’m kinda a hot dude… in a nerdy pseudo-European way”
UC
: “And I can’t wait to see what you end up calling me”

After these divas, Rob Pattinson should be a PIECE OF CAKE

Moon: “I mean I’m not Chris Weitz but I direct musicals, give me SOME credit”
UC
: “The hobbit has already been taken, The DILF unfortunately can’t be mine”
Yeah… I’m looking forward to the name we come up with for him as well!
Moon
: do we know ANYTHING about him?! Is he gay, straight, married, single? kids?
UC
: no…. we will have to RESEARCH another day!
Moon
: does he just have a crazy niece who loves Twilight?
UC
: What he’s really saying is: “I’m stoked to be getting underway on the adventure of Breaking Dawn- my step daughter told me if I didn’t bring on this project she’d start dating that guy on the motorcycle with the tattoos I saw her talking to outside of the metroplex last weekend”
Moon
: I like to think he’s gay or married to a hot piece like Helen Mirren with no kids.

Gay? Married? Both? Find out after the jump!

I’m pretty busy bringing myself up to speed on what you already know by heart: I’ve read BREAKING DAWN twice, rewatched Catherine’s and Chris’s movies 2-3 times each, have all four CDs playing in my car, and have Catherine’s notebook, Mark Cotta Vaz’s companion books, and even Volume 1 of the graphic novel here on my desk – a corner of my office is starting to look like Hot Topic. I realize that this barely qualifies me for “newborn” status in the universe you’ve been living inside for a few years now, but a guy’s gotta start somewhere.

Moon: I love that he says his office looks like Hot Topic. I just imagine him writing this letter while wearing that creepy shirtless Jacob shirt and playing with the action figures. And I’m SO glad he told me the name of the author of the companion book cause who knows that??
UC
: hahahaha. Mark Cotta Vaz- I mean seriously.. WHY haven’t we written him a letter yet? Oh that’s right- cause we could care less about his “companion book.” The only companion I need is Rob Pattinson. And you.
So wait though- back it up… He read Breaking Dawn TWICE? #1 that’s pretty amazing cuz he’s a dude… so we might be wrong- he might be gay.
#2- is that enough? I mean he IS directing the movie. And Lrd knows Mel Mel Rosenberg probably effed up the screenplay
Moon
: and #3 he’s a bigger fan that I am
UC
: AH I forgot you only read it once!!
Moon
: but still 2 times is pretty good- that shit is LONG
UC
: Do we love that he dropped a Twilight joke? He called himself a newborn. I feel like he was taking a jab at the losers who probably would have said “OH Bill IS SUCH A NEWBORN” after reading his letter first time through
Moon
: Yeah- that’s the “down with the kids” line for me. Like really? Did you just say that? You’re a dork.
UC
: SO Far… we’ve got Gay-ish dork, who decorates his office like a Hot Topic..
Moon
: He should be like “Listen girls, I’m a dude and I’ve read this TWICE and have more Twilight crap in my office than any straight (or possibly gay) man should have. I deserve a medal ALREADY.”
UC
: We would’ve given him a mother effing standing ovation!!! The first one EVER for a letter!
Moon
: “So put that in your New Moon Regal Cinemas soda souvenir cup and Tweet that!”
UC
: I’m really starting to picture this guy. And I also feel like maybe Cathy Hardi, Mark Cotta Vaz & whoever wrote the graphic novel paid to be mentioned- you KNOW Hot Topic did!
Moon
: Oh for sure, you know Summit is #goo about their tie-ins! Cross promotion!
UC
: holla!
Moon
: Too bad he didn’t sign off saying he was on his way to Burger King to get his Team Edward crown- “Available at a location near you JUNE 15!” (LINK to restaurant locator)

Like many of you, I’ve always been slightly obsessed with vampires, dating back to the prime-time series DARK SHADOWS, which I followed avidly as a kid. But that alone hadn’t been enough to get me interested in making a vampire movie, even though my early screenwriting and directing efforts grew out of a great love for horror movies and thrillers. Since making GODS AND MONSTERS thirteen years ago, however, I’ve been yearning for a return to a story with Gothic overtones.

UC: I like how he says “Like many of you, I’ve been obsessed with vampires” UM- once again- you don’t know US
Moon
: Yea- I wanted to be like um who in here besides like 2% of the Twi population liked vamps before this?!
UC
: Actually, Bill,  anyone who LIKED real vamps hates Twi because it’s not a “real” vampire story
Moon
: I like that he’s alluding to his goth phase. You KNOW he was ALL about Robert Smith. He had the hair and lipstick and sang “just like heaven” to his gf (or possibly bf)

Can I borrow your wig for my show tonight, hunny?

UC: Yep. And if he IS gay, he dresses as a Drag Vampire on the weekends- these are his little clues he leave us.
Moon
: He’ll be Count Drag-ula! Catch him at a tranny bar this fall in a filming location to be determined
UC
: if you’re lucky, He’ll get drunk and put on that Burger King Twilight crown
and THIS: “however, I’ve been yearning for a return to a story with Gothic overtones.”
Moon
: he just wants to bite someone
UC
: YEAH RIGHT.. that’s like David Slade trying to convince us he didn’t mean it when he said all that shit about Twilight. He’s just bored- wants the challenge. And the paycheck- He can buy a nice little beach house with the money that will be pouring in for years to come
Moon
: and I love the shout out to his own movie. He’s like “BUY THAT SHIT ON BLU RAY bitches.” Obviously he has a cut on the back end. He DOES have a mortgage to pay
UC
: a drag costume budget to meet
Moon
: We’re not stupid Bill, WE KNOW. WE Understand. So while you’re at it click on our lovely sponsors LOBOTOME, and *COMING SOON  – the LTT T-shirt shop* (that’s serious.) WINK WINK

The wonderful world that Stephenie has created has obviously struck a chord with you, and I don’t think it’s difficult to see why. For me, her characters are simultaneously timeless, yet very modern. Rooted in a beautiful, real landscape with a great sense of place, Bella, Edward, Jacob, and the rest of the Forks/La Push menagerie, experience emotions that are primal, and universal: desire, despair, jealousy – and it all comes to fruition in BREAKING DAWN. This is a final chapter in the best sense; not just wide in scope and scale, but emotionally charged and intense throughout.

UC: So is the next paragraph where you got choked up? I may have just gotten the chills cause he’s right. It DID strike a chord with me. And this paragraph reminded me why. Timeless yet modern- RIGHT!
Moon
: this is where he tries to remind us he’s a director and cares about the story and stuff
UC
: and “gets it” which I believe him, stupidly, in this paragraph
Moon
: “Guys, listen. I GET that you have lady boners for these characters, Edwards hot, Bella’s a mess (like you), Jacob is the hot friend who wants you too. I UNDERSTAND. Just let me make it look cool and I’ll give you your fade to black stuff. I just gotta write this to make summit and Stephenie think I’m all professional (yet I’m secretly kinda man crushing on Edward too! Hello chest like stone!)” which leads him into his next paragraph nicely:

I’m a huge admirer of the already-iconic Kristen, Robert, and Taylor, and wanted to be the one to work with them as they face the challenges of bringing your beloved characters to the end of their journeys. Really, what could be more fun than that?

Hey guys- It's me- Bill Condon. Let's hang out. We can be called Cobsten

UC: yep- “I’ve seen Kristen, Taylor & Rob’s faces on the cover of magazines I hope to never be in with intrusive captions usually reserved for Jen Aniston”
Moon
: he’s a HUGE admirer of the holy trinities work… I mean who can forget such gems as “catch that kid,” “bar mothers handbook,” and “sharkboy and lava girl?” SEMINAL film work. And that last line. Bill lays it on and kills me- THE END!?! NOOOOO. I thought this would go on and on forever
UC
: I KNOW!
Moon
: I thought we’d see Jacob and Renesme’s grandchildren?
UC
: I thought we’d at least learn how to SPELL Reneeesmeee!!! Whatever will our lives look like after this?
Moon
: We’ll have a lot more time. I’ll have to rediscover my favorite blogs from 2 years ago
UC
: but we’ll have less friends with names like ivant2suckyourvampparts

UC: Sidenote- I HAVE to mention some of the BRILLIANT comments on this letter.

Lisa Holtzhausen heya Bill! I would like 2 add something again. please stick to the book, alot of fans want the sexual scenes with edward and bella, but SM didn’t put them in the book 4 a reason. would u please try to not make it too explicit?

Moon: whoever the hale Lisa Holtzhausen is she needs to be taken out and slapped
UC
: DOWN WITH LISA HOLTZHAUSEN
Moon
: you gettin all cray cray in here lisa. Stop being a NUN.

Please feel free to ask questions in the comments section below, and I’ll do my best to answer them. I hope that this will be the first of many occasions I’ll get to check in with you as we set to work bringing BREAKING DAWN to the screen. I am excited and grateful to have all of you alongside me for my TWILIGHT journey.

All best,
Bill Condon

P.S. Answer #1: No, there won’t be any musical numbers

Moon: I love the last paragraph too. He wants to tell us that

“Obviously I’m done writing to you all cause I need to do my make up for Count Dragula’s show at the Tool Shack tonight but the social media team made me say I’ll read and answer these comments. Which I won’t, some flacky will be doing that. But thanks for reading and I’ll see you tonight at 1030 at the Tool Shack”

xo,
Count Dragula Bill

PS I lied, there will SO be a musical number. Think Sound of Music meets Little Shop of Horrors”

Welcome to LTT, Bill! We’re looking forward to adding you to ranks of Cathy Hardi- creator of the Ultimate Cougarita, Chris Weitz- the DILF, and David Slade- the angry hobbit-man.

Remember; FEATHERS-covering her FACE!,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

What do you think about Bill’s letter? Too PC? Perfect for starting out? Did we capture the essence of what he “really” wanted to say?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

About these ads

157 Responses

  1. yeah you broke down this letter – hilar!
    so many thoughts mirrored my own.
    i mean when i read it i thought wtf? trying hard much?
    but really if he didn’t address “the fandom” he’d be cussed out for that too …so i suppose my verdict is qudos for trying?

    Who ever got the gig could never come out and say ” i know this is a werid book but we” ll do our best and give you a good wedding”

  2. thats right its a politically correct letter
    **cringe**

  3. DOWN WITH LISA HOLTZHAUSEN

    • Yes!! Lisa should be crushed to death by angry hobbit man for such comments!

      PS I’m hoping they cover HIS face in feathers too if they insist on inflicting that disgusting makeup on us for one more film!!! Pls let sexy Edward come back!

    • Awww but lil’ Lisa’s prob only 12…give the child a break. She just wants more BooBoo screen time.

      • Naw, Lisa’s 40ish but she knows her 13 yo daughter will just die if her mom doesn’t let her see BD. So Lisa is pleading for her own sanity to be able to drop her daughter off 18 times at the cineplex next year!

      • Who doesn’t want more Boo Boo screen time?! I know *I* sure do! I woul

        *unable to finish typing the rest of comment, is being arrested by Chris Hansen*

        :p

    • yeah, DOWN WITH LISA HOLTZHAUSEN! Give me those damn fade to black scenes! I want it ALL!

      • When Lisa Holtzhausen’s future employer googles her name, karma will make sure the words ‘lots of naked Edward’, ‘naked pictures’, ‘Ultimate Cougarita’ and ‘ivant2suckyourvampparts’ jump to screen.

        • LMAO ! XD

          • are you really THE lisa holtzhausen!? WHOA

          • Will Lisa Holtzausen be able to fill the void left by BobbyG…I hope so.

          • Bobbygee…we miss you! Come back!

        • LOLZ

        • you killed me SO hard with this comment. i laughed so hard i had to walk away from the computer.

          current google results on Lisa Holtzhausen, LTT NUMBER THREE!!! and her facebook comment NUMBER EIGHT!!!

          VICTORY!

    • haha, someone find “Lisa Holtzhausen” on facebook. TAKE HER DOWN for being a prude.

    • No kidding! I swear if she ruins it for the rest of us, the sh!t is going to hit the fan around here.

    • Aw, don’t be so mean. Lisa’s probably a 10 year old Amish girl who had to sneak into the barn at night to illegally read the Twilight series. She’s clearly had a difficult life.

      Lisa, honey, you can always close your eyes when you get to those parts. But please for the love of Edward’s sparkle you-know-what DO NOT ruin it for the rest of us!

      • Poor little Amish Lisa, how will she get to a cinema?

      • HAHAHA Amish Lisa with Facebook

      • Psh, I thought it was understood that I’m the only Amish Twilighter. As made evident by my Friday nights spent quilting and baking bread from scratch.

        Just ask @BrookeLockart @janetrigs @_Freya @d_harv @aramisette or any of the other ladies on Twitter about me (@BiteMeBaker)

        #ImNotAMISH
        #ButSecretlyIAm

        • Another reason for you to hate Lisa!

    • LISA HOLTZHAUSEN nah thats Stephanie Meyer in disguise !!!!

      • I would have never guessed :P

        • It’s Kristen.

    • okay so i just searched for her on facebook (and i think the 2nd girl’s her). her fan pages include the twilight saga, rob, kstew, and I LOVE JESUS! so there ya go. :)

  4. he agreed to do twilight. he directs musicals. and he says words like “menagerie”. how much more gay can he get?

    • Posters of Kellan?

      • Ha ha brilliant plus1!!!

    • There are most def jorts and body oil in his Tool Shack tranny wardrobe

  5. I love that he added “P.S. Answer #1: No, there won’t be any musical numbers” That one little PS is why I like him so far. Although I’m still hoping that there actually will be a musical number. Obviously. Perhaps a song could soften the birth scene a bit.

    • LOL. I actually did a double take when I read that. I thought fer sure he meant BD musical LTT style.

    • Robzanne and I were hoping Renesmee would pop outta B’s belly with jazz hands, saying FEED ME a la Little Shop of Horrors.

      • Like this?

  6. Cobsten FTW!
    No, but seriously…I have to applaud this guy for reading BD twice.
    You girls broke it down perfectly! When I first read that letter, I felt like I too didn’t belong to any of the groups he mentioned. I belong to a group that’s a cross between ‘dork’, ‘nerd’ and ‘girls with no lives.’

    “Dear reluctant girls who love this saga but haven’t really told anyone other than those 2 others girls you met online about your mild (serious) obsession-“—–> Yeah, I belong in this group as well… :)

    I was watching the NM dvd today with the audio commentary with Chris and I have to say it’ll take quite an effort by both David Slade and Bill Condon to top the awesomeness that was CW. That guy was a gem..

  7. I thought the same when I read the first line! Non of those (Twihards,Twimoms blabla) really applies to me.
    And you’re right, he should have written “I’ll try to not fuck up too badly”. Cause that is really all I expect from Breaking Dawn. We all know this book will be hard to transfer into a movie. And “not fucking it up too badly” should already count as a huge achievement…

  8. First: the only vampire for me is Christopher Lee
    Second: Dear Bill, I want to see feathers, bruses, a pillow with a teethmark, a torn bed and a bare ass-shot from Rob in the ocean
    Third: plse don’t mind people like LISA HOLTZHAUSEN, they are no real fans like us (ehm)
    Forth: I want to see a bare ass-shot from Rob in bed
    Fifth: thanks and welcome to this CRAZY world of Twilight!

    • bare ass-shot from Rob!!!!
      bare ass-shot from Rob!!!!
      bare ass-shot from Rob!!!!

      Need I say it again?….

      BARE.ASS-SHOT.FROM.ROB

      xo obava

      • *claps hands frantically*

    • Would it be going too far to request Robward be in assless chaps the whole movie? Is that still considered “canon”?

      *thinks*

      • Why, yes, I do believe it is! Take note, Bill, stay true to the book!

      • he already owns the assless chaps from the drag show, so WIN WIN!

  9. First time I’ve read his name, I read “Bill Condom”.
    Yeah, go figure.
    Oh, and he’s Bill as William. And directs musicals. And he likes Goth tones. Gay alarm.

    • I read “Bill Condom” too! LOLZ

      • Condon in spanish means Condom… so..we all understood right,
        Condom Bills… LOL

        • BAHAHAHHAaaaa! :)

  10. Fantastic Robert Smith reference! The love of my punk teenage years heart….Bill should listen to the Cure’s Pornography album as he prepares to do BD. With tracks like (& I’m doing this from memory ‘cos I haven’t listened to this for at least 20 years) A Forest & 100 Years.

    Oh, vintage sad goth still has so much to teach us all.

    • DUUDE How could you not listen to Pornography for 20 years? The Cue is a major staple in my house. And I’m only 28! Alas A Forest was a few years before Pornography. Hanging Garden was on Pornography though. Come on – he should totes listen to that in preparation: “Creatures kissing in the rain…the animals scream in the heat of the night….wearing furs and masks”???? This is TOTES about vamps and werewolves.

      • A Forest is still in my top 5 all time favourite choons. I guess I don’t listen to it all so much now as I’m no longer depressed! Although the whole Boys DOn’t Cry album is weirdly cheery.

    • Alright, who down-thumbsed The Cure? *hands on hips*

    • *Confession*- Listened to “Disintegration” and DMode’s “Playing the Angel” over and over again while I read “New Moon”.
      It goes well!

      *jr. high goth nerd that never really outgrew it alert *

  11. Not even Martin Scorcese could make Breaking Dawn less of a mess-fest, so good luck Bill Condon, may the sparkly force be with you.

    • Two downsthumbers, harsh. I’m assuming one was from Martin because of your lack of faith in him and the other was from Amish Lisa because of your belief in the ‘sparkly force’.

      • Why the HALE did I get two thumbsdown???
        Martin, didn’t mean any offense, it’s just…Breaking Dawn…you know?? There’s nothing that will salvage that wreckage…

  12. I just like to say that I love how Janet’s lingo has made it main stream because it’s #goo.

    Poor Bill. Sadly, we need to remind ourselves that we are in the minority in the fandom. Bill needs to play it up for the 14-yr-olds and the TwiMoms with their Team Edward shirts. Saying Twimom always causes someone to say, I’m a mom, but I’m not a Twimom. I counter with: are you openly out with your Twi-Love? Have you worn a Twilight shirt in public and have a kid? Yup, you are a twimom.

    HUGS!

    • Yay for being a twi mom!

      I’d say it’s much better than being a crack addict mom. Like 92837489127345 times better.

      • But possibly not as good as being a LTT mum.

        • YAY for spelling MUM with a U!

          • ;)

    • *taking “Jasper says Relax” shirt out of the dryer and putting it on for work.* That’s wrong? ;)

      • That’s normal. You work from home right?

      • Is that a real shirt?!?! It’s probably not, but I WANT IT!! Would not wear it in public – much too deep in the closet for that kind of exposure. (The few times I read the series outside of my house I removed the covers and kept the binding against my body). And yes, I’m a little ashamed of my shame, but I can’t help it!

        • Ahem… http://www.cafepress.com/jaspersaysrelax

          • SERIOUSLY?! I try so hard to keep my crazy in check, and now I’m one step closer to (perhaps) publicly flying my Twilight Freak Flag.

            The good thing is my family won’t get it.

            Yay!!!

          • I only wear mine with yard jorts and motorcycle boots. ;)

          • We need a photo, SWD.

          • Oh g’dammit. Dammit! Grrr. This irresistable item may be the thing that outs me.

            I’ll start off by wearing it in the house only. Then I’ll run to the store and forget I’m wearing it. Then I’ll slowly work it in to small family gatherings….

          • This t-shirt better not be the gateway drug that officially turns me into a Twihard.

            I will buy this shirt, but first, somebody please come up with a “Jasper” excuse for me. I’ll have to steer the convo quickly away from Twilight if there are any questions or suspicions…

    • NOOOO!!!
      What Sj said- I’m not a TwiMom, I’m a LTT mum and proud of it!

      Now, where’s that LTT shirt shop you lovelies mentioned? Gotta fly my freak flag proudly :)

    • See! Any mention of Twimoms brings people out of the woodwork. It’s like magic!

      • I’m a Mom but I let the kid wear the shirt. LOL

        I think Twimom is wrong on so many levels…..seeing the “twimoms” on TV talking about wanting to take care of them and making sure they eat right, dress warm etc.
        Arent they the ones that started the “respect” hand in your face thing?? a few month back??

        When I think of Rob……….
        theres NOTHING MOTHERLY about it —Okay!!!!

        • Word (to your mother).

  13. The world makes sense when you 2 break it down, it would be so great to have you break down my life. After all I’m a Twilight fan I’m used to public embarrassment. Anyway,

    Poor Bill sounds so scared he does’t know which way to piss so he’s ended up with a goofy nervous grin and messed up pants. And why has he not read the first 3 books? He is sooooo not going to get soooo much really important stuff, like Buttcrack Santa – hangon, was that just in the movie? Ok so he may totally get BS but what about Lauren? I’m hanging out for a big entrance from Lauren staring down Bella and offering Jake something better than freak-o-child.

    *sigh* And speaking of Jake, this may not be popular but I have to bring it up cause it’s starting to feel like the elephant in the room – a great big chunk of BD is Jacob’s POV, which is going to be weird which I guess is why no one is saying anything. So I don’t know what I’m saying about it but at least I’ve said it.

    Finally – UC & Moon are not on Summit’s speed dial? WTF? If anyone can show Bill how to piss it’s you 2, I’ll get straight to work on a letter of recommendation. No seriously, it will be good.

    PS Sladey, I know you read this so I just want to offer my support in your last months of hell, and remember, everyone in the cast is outrageously hot, even those without youth on their side, so for the red carpet don’t feel bad about going with a hobbit cape. You’ll be comfy and can pretend it’s an invisibility cloak if people start throwing stuff 1/2 way through the screening.

    • I, too, was wondering, did he not read the first 3 books, only Breaking Dawn? Because, there’s, um, some important plot points that occur in those books, that you might not pick up on if you only saw the movie. Especially Twilight the Movie, as it hardly follows the book at all, thank you Melissa. And should I mention Midnight Sun would be a good reference as well. Anyway, good luck to you, Bill. You’re gonna need it.

      • Oh, and Bill, please re-think the whole musical thing. I really think that might be the way to go. Just consider it.

        • If it’s a musical I want it to be a live production. It will look good on their resumes to diversify.

        • Can we imagine Edward breaking into a song and dance number? Maybe in the meadow? I mean, he already sparkles so there’s no need for sparkly musical-type costumes. And who can forget Edward’s velvety, honey-like voice? Maybe he could put that to good use, since we know that voice is not being of any use in the bedroom *ifyouknowwhatImsaying* ;)

          • I’m so tired after work I read that as a ‘thong & dance number’. Only here could I believe that could be a credible statement.

          • Now all I can imagine is all the guys doing a chorus line in thongs. Imagining exactly the right colour, oh-purple-too obvious?

  14. Bill Condon is an openly gay director. It’s fine for us to mention it in jest here on the blog (I suppose), but I hope that for the general audience, it doesn’t become a prevalent issue….or too much of a joke.

    Anyhow, the Advocate did a story on it, and there were mentions at other gay publications…and, well, hell–for all of my posturing in the previous paragraph, these two in particular cracked me up:

    http://blog.reelloop.com/9897/news/bill-condon-promises-final-twilight-films-gay/

    http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-04-28/bill-condon-set-to-direct-twilight-in-bid-to-make-gayest-movie-ever-made/

    • YES! we knewwwww it!

      We love the gays… and he will become our gay bff

      • That’s his new nickname The Gay BFF

        • Unicondon!

          • Nickname win!

          • YAY! :D

    • Hmmmmm, they make a good point. Sparkly boys with perfect hair who smell like cupcakes. A pack of overly tanned young (young!) men with the kind of abs you can bake cookies on, tearing their clothing off at the slightest provocation…

      Breaking Dawn- Way More Gay FTW!!!!

    • LMAO at those articles, thanks for the linx!

    • Oh my WIN! Everyone needs to click on those links and READ THAT SHIZ!!!

      Bwaaaa haaa haa haa!!!!

    • That article on realloop.com reads like The Onion!

  15. “Sound of Music meets Little Shop of Horrors!” Yes please!

  16. “Listen girls, I’m a dude and I’ve read this TWICE and have more Twilight crap in my office than any straight (or possibly gay) man should have. I deserve a medal ALREADY.” – hysterical

    Did anyone else read this and hear Robs voice from the commentary… where he says “listen guys, lets be civil about this… ” in that cute little lispy mumbly voice?

    If it was just me, thats cool, Ill be embarassed for myself. Happy late birthday Moon!

    • Not gonna lie I giggled to thinking of the Twi- commentary… So… I guess we can be 2nd hand embaressed of each other? Or embaressed for ourselves??? Or declare IT’S NORMAL and move on?

    • First thing I thought of. Yes yes, this is normal.

    • Yep, heard it in my head too. NORMAL!

  17. Dear Bill,

    Give me feathers, give me bruises, give me smashed up headboards, and give me naked Edward (Robert)… or give me death! Whatever you do, don’t listen to that Lisa H–… eh, whatever her name is… I have it on good word that she’s not a reliable source as the voice of the noteworthy (will be) audience.

    You want a real and true voice to serve as your compass as you trudge through the sticky mess that is Breaking Dawn? Come hang out here. You’ll learn a lot and just might get a few things right if you pay attention.

    • you are my favorite poster – you say everything im thinking but way better

      • Aw!
        *heart swells with warm-fuzzies*
        Thanks! :D

    • Mwahahahaahahahahaha SPOT ON!

    • Don’t know about Bill, but I have a feeling David Slade totes hangs out here…when he’s not doing all those re-shoot crap in BC

      • LoL! Truth!
        DS told me he did hang out here.
        (“Yeah, he’s a good buddy.” *chomps on spinach salad*)
        DS said Stephenie told him to lurk LTT like she does when he asked her what he could do to make sure he didn’t make Eclipse a total disaster. She said we’d keep him on the right path.

        Okay so I don’t know DS, but that is how I imagine his discovery of LTT came about. Because I too think he totes lurks around here.

  18. Once again LTT you broke it down perfectly!

    I actually had not read this letter until this post, I was so turned off by the first line a few weeks ago. Does he not know that a good chunk of the fandom consists of women who do NOT want to be known as Twilight fans and only secretly, covertly love this series? Who would not go within a 10 foot radius of a Team Edward or Team Jacob tshirt, bumper sticker, etc.? That being called a Twihard or a Twimom would be considered highly offensive?

    The other thing that really struck me is his whole blurb on loving vampire genres. Um, rule number one of the Twilight world, please understand we do not like this series for the vampires. We like it for the love story. And vice versa. I have an acquaintance who is a hardcore vampire genre fan and at her birthday party last year she sat with a bunch of other hardcore vampire people (they regularly dress up as vampires, enough said) and they mercilessly ripped Twilight apart. I managed to placate her another time, when she found out I had “vaguely liked” Twilight, by explaining that fans like it for the love story not for the vampire aspect. Except, apparently, the director of the movie.

    Anyways, Bill Condon, welcome to the fandom where your letter will be ruthlessly over-analyzed. Please feel free to join us regularly on LTT where you will find the voice of the fans that do not fit in any of your categories and fans who will help you get your priorities straight.

    Cheers.

  19. T-shirt shop?? Can the first t-shirt PLEASE say Cobsten?

    • I’m still waiting for my,

      Front: “LTT / LTR”
      (in green -of course-)
      Back: “If you have to ask, don’t”
      (or something like that, in purple -of course-)

      shirt. :)
      *adds “Cobsten” shirt to wishlist*

      • I want the one that says “LTT/LTR” tiny on the front left side and “That’s Normal!” on the back :D

        • Yes! Yes! I want “That’s Normal” on the back of mine instead! :)

      • Yes! I’m definitely brave enough to happily wear either of these shirts!

    • Waiting for: Fake Lesbian since 2008

    • I want one that says

      “Stand back I might fursplode”

      I love that word best made up word ever !

      • You know Midnight Cyn’s Blanket Eddie? I want a Blanket UC & Moon.

  20. What exactly is wrong with sex crazed moms with 4 kids???!!!

    Nice breakdown. I heart you! Even if I am a sex crazed mom with 4 kids.

    • Ha ha ha, I totally thought of you when I read that in the post!

  21. Thank you! For breaking it down. Since I wasn’t mentioned in the initial address (Dear LTTers…) I didn’t really pay much attention the first time. I figured the letter wasn’t to me.

    COBSTEN FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. I think he is a follower…
    Everyone has done it, so he did too…

    I appreciate you wanting us to trust you,
    However I didn’t feel like your heart wrote it…
    It was more like what can I pull out of my ass
    To shut these people up??

    Thanks but no thanks

  23. Honestly? One of your best letters/breaking it downs EVER.

    Cobsten makes me hungry. I need to eat it with butter.

  24. How about calling him “The Diva” since he directs musicals?

    Funny breakdown UC and Moon!

    “bar mothers handbook,” <- best typo ever! I think I own it. It's called "The Three Martini Playdate"

    <3,
    the barMother

    • Is the first chapter in the “bar mother’s handbook” called “tequila shots and temper tantrums; the way to soothe both mother and child. Cause I think this might be a good book for me.

  25. Thank you so much for letting me laugh OUTLOUD today, several times….

  26. Billy boy is a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streisand ticket holding friend of Dorothy. Trust me, I know these things. :)

    Oh, and that one photo caption:

    After these divas, Taylor Lautner should be a PIECE OF ASS.

    Fixed that for you. You’re welcome.

    • I love you. You need to live within driving distance so we can be friends. You are much to amusing to just be some random internet weirdo. =)

      • Awww… thank ya! And I’m not a random internet weirdo… I prefer “lunatic.” ;)

        You mentioned driving distance… I call the fair hamlet of Pittsburgh, PA as my home. :D

        • Why did I think you are in Sweden or something?

          Sadly Maine is still not driving distance from the Pitts. Awwh, shucks.

          • Hahaha… Sweden. I dunno… my dazzling blonde looks? (Kidding. I’m a brunette.)

            And aw, shucks @ Maine. :(

    • ok clueless reference
      you win!!

      • Hahaha! You called it while I was reading comments after I last refreshed the page. You are quicker with the reflexes (or better internet connection than I have living in the boondocks). Sorry, I wouldn’t have said it if I would have seen you already had! Credit goes to you. :)

        • or else i just spend waaaaayyy to much time on this site!!!!!

          • hahaha! I didn’t know that was possible… Its not is it? Tell me no because if it is I’m in the same boat as you.

            Besides my bet is still on your wit was just quicker than mine today. :)

      • I WIN!? But I’m a virgin who can’t drive!
        :D

        • clueless? LOLZ!

        • That was way harsh!

    • Win for Clueless reference!!

      • But I’m way harsh, Tai!

    • CLUELESS!!!!!!!! MURRAY to be exact!!!!!

  27. Wonderful! Now that I know there will obviously be music numbers, drags, possible Cougar cameo(s), Lisa Holtzhausen (cast as Irina) being dismembered to be made example of, all I need is to get appropriately stoned and I might enjoy this movie.
    Thanks, UC & Moon

    • “Lisa Holtzhausen (cast as Irina) being dismembered to be made example of”

      OMG!!!!!!!!

  28. Hmmm… just read that Ashley Greene and Kellan Lutz are allegedly playing hardball with Summit for more money for BD. Ashley, Kellan, I’d like to introduce you to someone. Her name is

    RACHELLE LEFEVRE

  29. Oh Bill. Welcome to hell, you poor bastard. You had to read BD twice? That’s fucked up dude.

    I bet when he was reading it, he was all Renesmee? WTF? RUUHNNESMEEE?!! And Summit says what? I gotta write a letter to the crazy fandom pretending to be super duper excited about bringing this hot mess to the big screen? FML.

    I’m thinking he had to read it twice cause he was all I cannot believe this shit.

    • LMAO

  30. I now desperately want to transform myself into a drag queen and call myself Count Dragula. OMG I’d have fun with that.

    • LET’S DO THIS!

      • Dude, if I was a dude, I would so be a drag queen. Who else can get away with those clothes?

        • Count Robula could!

  31. Dragula? Rob Zombie is going to sue. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqQuihD0hoI

    Maybe HE is a unicorn!!! ooooohhhhhh!

  32. No-one’s SQUEE’ing over the T-shirt shop? Lemme show you how its done:

    SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    That means BellaNaA and I will finally be able to send in our part for the music video of ‘we are the Rob’ in which we will be holding hands in front of our national symbol (statue of a pie’ing toddler. I kid you not.) wearing LTT T-shirts and waving the Belgian flag.

    • YOU BETTER!!!!

      *watches inbox…. waiting….*

  33. Hey ladies, when you have your t-shirt store (ha ha, I’ll believe THAT when I see it) can you please make one that reads “I’m in the 2%”? Thanks. Don’t make me break out the puffy paint!

  34. green is what? GOOD! ha ha!! up there with they’re not BEARS! oh bill ….such high standards you have to live up too!!

    brilliant breaking down going on today!!

  35. I just hope Bill’s kung fu is strong. David Slade has already cracked under the pressure. He was last seen wandering around muttering something about a leg hitch. This after an unfortunate incident with a bunch of crazy set stalkers who tried to pin him down to show him how to get that shit right.

    • “an unfortunate incident with a bunch of crazy set stalkers who tried to pin him down to show him how to get that shit right”

      *shudders*

  36. Holy Shizz….. Bill should put you both in the PR dept. for the movie.. .. Bill C is for Bill Condom? right?

  37. Ok, so maybe I’m slow, or really gullible, but did any one else hear that they’re releasing the Eclipse soundtrack band roster tomorrow? One band at a time? Every half hour? Wait for it… On MySpace?
    Somebody please tell me I’m being punked!

    • Hmm. Tangent much? Sorry, my music consternation completely, but momentarily, overwhelmed the awesomeness that is today’s letter. (The little hamster in my head falls off the wheel when the music changes.) Of course, you could break down your breakfast and still be more amusing than 90% of us… Never stop the break downs! Wait, that didn’t come out right…
      Note to BC: Dear fans. How hard is that!? I am a fan. Period. Please stop refering to me as a Twi-anything.

    • nope ** pops the ‘p’**
      thats right myspace it is!

  38. [...] Bill Condon: Reading between the lines Dear Bill Condon, Welcome to the Fandom! Welcome to the crazy! Welcome to a decision you will most likely regret!!! [...] [...]

  39. You know after reading that letter on Facebook I’m tempted to comment with keep Kellan and Ashley in Breaking Dawn or else us fans will f&^k you up mafia style, but I held back.

  40. Super funny today, ladies. I’m sad I missed out during the day, but now that school is out I actually have to do stuff and can’t sit in front of my laptop all day. :(

    BTW- “Catch that Kid” shout out FTW! When Twilight came out that was the only movie I’d seen KStew in…

  41. Oh Bill Condom. I can’t wait to lose bar trivia because I no longer recognize your last name as anything other than a prophylactic.

  42. I heard that…and who the hell is Lisa and WTF is she thinking?!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 158 other followers

%d bloggers like this: