Dear Big Daddy,
Are you sad now that Taylor’s 18 and he no longer needs you? Have you and Chris Hansen met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for all-you-can-eat hot wings night because both of your schedules are virtually empty? Did you guys cry into your pitcher of domestic beer and hold each other because if there’s no need to babysit Taylor or bust us pervs than there’s no reason to live?
I saw these pictures of Taylor today and all I could think about was how sad you must be. There’s just something missing from a Taylor airport picture when you’re not in it! Sure, he’s rocking the obligatory leather jacket and that’s nice to look at for a hot minute but then I get anxious, I want to see YOU and the dad belt cell phone, pushing the luggage cart, looking for a Pizza Hut Express, thinking about ordering the personal pan pizza AND the bread sticks. What are we going to do now!? What are YOU going to do now?
Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands (read: none, I’m writing this at 1 in the morning but I love you, so I don’t care) because I came up with some ideas for you…
Stuff you can do with your free time:
01. Finally look into those fast food franchise opportunities! I’m sure the valley needs a Sonic or a Chick Fil A (PLEASE!) and what quiet neighborhood doesn’t need a McDonald’s on the corner of their block?
02. Finally enroll in Olive Gardens “Culinary Institute of Tuscany” so you can make that Soup, Salad and Breadsticks at home any time you want!
03. Take Taylor’s Audi out for a joy ride. Call the paps and tell them “Taylor” is going to Morton’s, show up and peel out in front of them wearing your dad Oakleys. Cruise the Disney lot for some fresh meat to take to lunch. Leave fast food trash behind the front seat for Taylor to find when he comes home.
04. Get drunk on your personal supply of Olive Garden’s house wine. Drunk dial Selena Gomez and reminisce about “the good ol days.”
OH NO, I just thought of this: this means NO Big Daddy in Vancouver for reshoots??!!!! My reason for living is OVER!
Good bye world!
Ehhhh not to so fassssttt………………………………………..
Dear Kellan or should I say @KellanLutz (heh, heh!)
After a long hard day of whatever it is I do in my real life I came home to see a tweet saying your brother (who knew you had a brother, let alone who knew his twitter handle? Obvious we’re NOT REAL fans) had tweeted a mysterious new account called “@kellanlutz” so quicker than you can say “youth group lock in” I got myself over there to check it out. I needed to know if you had finally joined the insanity… and I found this…
So I started dissecting that thing like no bodies business and here’s the reasons I came up with that I think this is your official twitter…
Reasons I think @kellanlutz is for realz:
01. The profile pic is of you at a Cardinals game (holla AZ!) with some dudes crotches behind you that we’ve never seen before
02. the name @kellanlutz – what weirdo faker didn’t already have this? This HAS to be official or twitter ganked it for you on your behalf
04. You used the word “indigenous” (he googled that shit)
06. Your first tweet references being a “light to this world” – YUP, jesus lover
07. You’re following @samantharonson – You love lesbians both real and fake and since Kristen doesn’t have a twitter you had to go with the next best option.
So without having the hallowed verified check mark or emailing your people and having them call our people, cause who has time for that? These are the reasons I KNOW it’s you. And I’m here to say, it’s alright… I know you read us and it’s ok for you to follow us. Just do it… press that “follow” button… NOW!
Your #1 Accountability Partner,
PS You might wanna read my How To Twitter guide I wrote for @twilight… might help you out in the future
PPS Are you following me as I late night Tweet? West Coast Wins!
Sooooo what will we do without Big Daddy? What other stuff could he do with his free time now? Do you think @KellanLutz if for realz? How long do you think it will take before he gives in and follows us? I’m on a mission. We broke down Kaleb Nation in a week… can we get Kellan Lutz? What other indicators make you think that’s the real KL?
Dudes it’s that time again… time to empty out the DVR and make room for Eclipse! The lovely Jena has made an all new Eclipse DVR alertpage over on the forum. CHECK IT before you wreck it.
Filed under: Kellan, Taylor Lautner, Taylors Dad, Twilight, Twilight News Tagged: | @kellanlutz, accountability partner, Airport, Anna Lynn McCord, Ashley Greene, Audi, Avatar, babysit, bible study, Big Daddy, body guard, Buffalo Wild Wings, Cardinals, charity, Chris Hansen, Football, Jesus, joy ride, kellan lutz, Kristen Stewart, LAX, McDonalds, official twitter, Olive Garden, picture, Samantha Ronson, Taylor Lautner, Tuscany, tweets, Twilight, twitter, vancouver, Young Life