A Rebuttle: The Font wants to talk about the Leg Hitch and life and 93 Buicks

*Because we like to beat dead horses here at LTT and because the Font has a response to my letter from yesterday that you need to read and then hug someone after, here he is to talk about his take on The Leg Hitch*

Hey Twi-Fans.

How are you? Good? That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.

So what’s been going on since we last talked? Oh, did someone write gay fan fiction about you and a close friend? Did you get yelled at on Twitter about Michael Vick by someone who is now blurring the line between fan and friend? Did a pretty girl you were interested in refer to you as “that Twilight guy” in person? No, no, sorry. I’m getting your life confused with mine.

But listen. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about Leg Hitch or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I cannot believe all of you women are getting this excited about dry sex. Seriously.

Yeah, sure, foreplay’s exciting NOW. Where were you when a generation of teenage males were locking themselves in their rooms eight times a day? If you would have asked a fourteen year old Font “hey buddy, what do you want to do all day?” I would have responded “dry sex and video games.” Maybe something about collectible card games if you caught me in the right month.

Now, I certainly was not unwillingly abstinent from dry sex for too long in my teenage years (thank you Cinco De Mayo pageant queens), and I harbor no grudges about teenagers being slow to give into their Font-related jean-on-jean urges. I get it. They were young and confused.

BUT. My point is this. When Moon explained what it actually was, I got confused, because that is like rank amateur shit. I was “leg hitching” in the back of my 1993 Buick Skylark before I was legal to drive it. It is not a complicated procedure. It is also not that uncommon.

It’s sort of like someone explaining to a pitcher what a curveball is. He’s almost going to get confused about what they’re talking about, because it’s so simple. What’s the big deal? Put your hand in the ‘C’ shape, twist and swing it over the corner of the plate. You’ve done it a thousand times before you got out of little league.

[Please appreciate how hard it was to not make a sex joke in the previous paragraph.]

All this to say! You are not really excited about Leg Hitching. You are excited about having a man desperately in love with you finally being willing to profess that love in a tangibly physical way. If there’s a takeaway for the legions of fourteen year old girls that I know read this blog daily: it’s that sex (even dry sex) matters.

None of the dudes you fall in love with is going to be as pretty as Edward, or have his literally rock hard abs. That is science. But they can love you the way that he does: not just cause you’re gonna give it up, or because he doesn’t like being alone, or because you’re a prop in the production that is his life.

And T&A is plentiful. There are always more nineteen year olds with tighter abs and thinner thighs, there’s always a new exciting girl with new noises and new things to say about how interesting your job/car/suit is.

But the SOUL, right? That stays. That’s eternal. You love a woman for something you can’t see, you’ll be there for awhile.

There’s an Edward out there for you. Some dude you’ll get excited about basic sex moves for. It’s worth separating the wheat from the chaff.

Yes, I actually wrote a post about the value of sex while using a vampire metaphor.

Until the next time someone says something dumb that upsets me,

The Font

Number one, let’s get mad at The Font for calling us 14 year old girls when clearly we don’t allow them here (although they occasionally sneak on. Hey little girl- Taylor Lautner probably likes boys now- you need to go on a Justin Bieber fan site.) Secondly, what do you think? Is The Font, gulp, right? Thirdly, do you like how I got carried away with all the motivational posters? Those are so addicting. Oh, and The Font thought of ALL of them!

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215 Responses

  1. Eh. I don’t know WHY I like it.
    It’s like the way I can’t explain why I love Twilight.
    It’s just hot and (at the time) unexpected.

    • Agreed.
      Also, those motivational posters are amazing. Seriously.

      I need to put a face to a name. Er.. fake name. I think you guys should post a pic of The Font and White Yorkie, and use the eclipse ribbons to cover the eyes :P

      • I especially need a face for White Yorkie because whenever I read that name, I think of an ugly albino dog.

        • “I think of an ugly albino dog”

          Me too! Except it’s kinda cute in the “so ugly it’s cute” kinda way.

        • HAHAHAHAHHA

        • Albino dog!! Lmao!!

    • The “leg hitch” is the gateway hump to the real deal. (albeit, a fade to black, deal)

  2. lol! “Leg Hitch…so close, and yet so far”

    so true!

  3. Good thing I’m almost 16. Or i’d be running away right now (jokes).

    • Ooh same!

  4. Leg Hitch IS important.
    It’s a Peen/Vag blind date After a Leg Hitch you know where you stand.
    Guys don’t get that. Girls know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

    • Hah! It does give you a feel for things, so to speak…

    • yep.

    • Word. After the first leg hitch with my (now) husband, I told my best friend I was going to marry him. It was *that* enlightening.

    • omg i love you girls. so funny

  5. *starts a slow clap for the Font*

    PS: Dude, if you actually take the time to write an entire post about Twilight AND come up with all those motivational posters… then you ARE a Twilight guy.
    PPS: You could make that work to your advantage, if done right.
    PPPS: Just for the record, we like you. Or well, I’ll speak for myself. You’ve given us such great insights into the minds of 14-year old boys. (By the way, if you call us 14-year old girls, even though you know most of us are 20 somethings, then I suppose I can assume than when you talk about 14-year old boys, you actually mean 20 something guys, right?)

    • Thumbs up on all accounts!

      *and joins slow clap*

    • THIS! ALL of it!

      *slow clap time*
      <3 you, Bella NaA

    • clap……………..clap……………..clap………..clap….clap…clap..clap

    • i like how you Belgian girls love a good slow clap

      • That’s the advantage of living in a small country. No-one feels left out.

      • LOL hahahaha not Belgian but Dutch.

      • If we had a national dance, it would probably involve a slow clap.

        • With this new information I now know where my next big trip will be!

        • THAT made me almost spit my coffee out!

        • best mental image ever.

          • Belgians actually having a national dance? Hey, DO we actually have a national dance?

          • If you don’t, you should invent one that involved leg hitching (they do it in Latin dances) and slow clapping.

          • No idea. Do I look like a patriot to you? *snort*

          • An interesting article that says, no national dance, but lots of other stuff

          • If we do have a national dance, it probably looks like the chicken dance. Can’t be too hard to add a slow clap to that. Leg hitch may require slightly more effort.

    • Most of you are 20 somethings?

      Sigh…

      • Um…I left 20something a long time ago.

        • I left it 16 years ago…..sigh

          • I left awhile ago too.

            I still feel like Im in my 20’s but I am smarter and richer now then I was then. LOL.

            No more ramen noodle unless I really want it.

    • love you Belgians. im coming to visit.

    • I couldn’t respond properly earlier since I was on a plane, but this response is fantastic. I too will visit you in your small, slow-clap country.

      • All those of you who want to come visit, by all means, do! We’ll be welcoming you at the airport. It’ll be easy to recognize us – we’ll be the two girls in the middle of a baffled crowd doing a slow clap.

        • ^ win

  6. Now, Why do I find “separating the wheat from the chaff.” a bit dirrty?

    I love me some font, you seriously should post more often..esp since we are in the middle of a Rob……. dryspell

    Sigh*

    Rob Where are you?

    • Oh I totally get you….I too have missed Rob so badly….

    • Great job with the posters font!! Is it hot in here???? Whew!! I too am missing on Rob hard!! These posters on repeat sure do help!!!

  7. Dear The Font,

    I sound like I’m beating a dead horse, too. For the third day in a row, I will profess in the comments that I DON’T CARE about the leg hitch. It was important in the context of the book, because of exactly the reason you said: Bella was “excited about having a [vampire] desperately in love with [her] finally being willing to profess that love in a tangibly physical way. ” So, in my opinion, its importance is to one’s attempting to identify with the main character while reading. Frankly, I don’t care much for movie Bella, and she has already tried to dry hump Edward anyway.

    More importantly, I haven’t heard someone use the expression “separating the wheat from the chaff” since the last time I was in Amish country. Well done on the idiom.

    -tuesday

    • That’s movie Bella for you. Her and her slutty tank tops.

      • And her lack of pants. Whenever I see that scene I still go WTF? She’s a sweatpants girl!

        • What? You mean in high school when it was cold outside you didn’t lounge around in your sckivvies?

        • Not regular sweatpants….’holey’ sweatpants…

          • I knowwww! In the books she’s always asking for a “human moment” while she runs to the bathroom to change into/out of her “holey” sweatpants. I’m pretty sure 99% of Kristen’s movies involve her sitting on a bed with her legs crookedly spread wearing a tank/underwear & no bra. Gahhhh put some holey pants on for christ sake!

        • This.

      • lmfao “slutty tank tops!!”

    • P.S.- The proper term for “gay fan fiction” is “slash,” which always makes me think of Slash the guitarist, who by most accounts is not homosexual.

      • I used to think it was about cutting… before SOMEONE showed me the light. ; )

    • Yes! I said this the other day – MovieBella got a preview of the leg hitch AND the meadow roll (I just made that up) in Twilight. The Eclipse leghitch is anticlimactic. However, Edward WILL be shirtless, so there is that to look forward to.

      • Eclipse Edward looks way hotter than NM Edward. The hair is lookin’ fly.

      • meadow roll makes me think of a jummy sandwich. I love it.

    • Oh no no no, I specifically used references, like “separating the wheat from the chaff” just last Friday night, when I tried to prove that Chels was Amish. Duh!

      • Jane

        Total #coo

  8. Font,

    I think I love you.

    That is all.

    Oh who am I kidding, that’s not all. I’m a talker.

    PS – Somebody better snatch up this Twi-Guy quick. He’s a keeper.

    PPS (Font) – You seriously manage to analyze Twilight w/o cutting it down…and firmly maintain (TWSS) your manliness. Well done.

  9. Oh Font…..that’s exactly why I love the leg hitch. It’s having a man want you so badly that he just can’t help himself…even when he’s trying to be good.

    P.S.—–You are SO a Twi-guy. Welcome.

  10. Did I just attend vampire church?

    What an odd way to begin a Thursday morning.

    PS. I don’t read YA books for sex. That’s pretty creepy as most characters are underage and I think of every character as a real living human bean. I can’t abuse the trust placed on me by the author to get my kicks off. Does that sound weird? It probably is. I just take YA lit very seriously.

    PPS. If I wanna read something for sex scenes, I’ll read Hockeyward. Me gusta monstercock. ; )

    • Hockeyward gives me butterflies. le sigh… Curse that woman for inventing monstercock!!

      • I’m intrigued now… haven’t heard of that fic yet. Link?

        • Got me looking up fanfic at work. Booo to me. ;)

          http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5716060/1/The_Misapprehension_of_Bella_Swan

          • I thank thee!

            Shall I start a slow clap for you? It’s the national dance in Belgium (apparently).

          • I just read that…holy hell! Never thought hockey guys could sound so tantalizing!

        • NOOO I read that. Knowing you read it too will make thursdays really awkward.

          • Thursdays? Now I MUST know what you are referring to. I know what to do tonight. (Besides getting my mortgage. Minor detail.)

          • New chapters are posted on wednesdays. They do it. A lot. OK?

  11. The leg hitch is hot because we get to think that there is some hot Edward sex to follow. Just because we are cockblocked 3 lines later…

    Well anyway, it goes back to what I said yesterday, Edward’s dry sex leaves us wanting more, dry sex with grabby, sweaty 14-year-old boys left us/me wanting less.

    At my age if I’m getting a leg hitch I expect things to be going somewhere and I’m probably not keeping one nervous ear out for my parents’ car in the driveway.

    • Yes! Exactly! Thumbs up!

      hehehe “Just because we are cockblocked 3 lines later…” and man are we. It’s like; Noooooooo keep going! *sigh of defeat*
      :)

    • “and I’m probably not keeping one nervous ear out for my parents’ car in the driveway.” ;)

  12. Dear The Font,
    It’s 5:45 am and no one has purse dialed me. I’m just awake because my I’m still on east coast time and soon as I get back to the east coast, I know my body will have magically adjusted to west coast time and I’ll be all wonky for days.

    I could have written a response to your letter, but I’m pretty sure I’m okay with you not getting it.

    Oh, I don’t care if MV went to federal prison, he still shouldn’t be playing football. :-)

    Brooke

    • i like that this is only inside jokes

      • Nope, just fixed that, as seen by my comment below….well I fixed part of it.

    • So you’re the “FAN”, ahhhh haaa!

    • Seriously. I cursed our management the day Vick went to the Eagles. Facepunch!

      • I raged on twitter for a good two days. It was scary.

  13. I LOVE the mf’in LEG HITCH!!! I think why is because it was just so unexpected! We are anticipating Edward to be mad at Bella, but instead what does he do?? MF’ing hitches her damn leg!!

    Also, a hot part for me was when Eddie was trying to distract Bella while she is planning on replying to Renee’s email. That was quite unexpected too. Oh those vamp boy charms…. :)

    Needless to say, Eclipse is my favorite of the saga (dog ear’d pages and all) and I hope David Slade is able to keep true to the parts we love!

    • “MF’ing hitches her damn leg!!”

      That totally just made my day!

  14. HHHHmmm why is this the first post I read by The Font? Damn I am missing out on all the good stuff. I love The Font! ( after only this one post , too) Love his writing style and his insight. He is spot on I think.

    Also we crave the leg hitch because this is the only frigging kind-of-sexual situation in the whole frigging book. (imho)

  15. Um…he had a point in there somewhere?

    I kid. I kid!

    No font, we get that. And I’m sure most of the women on here, like me have a husband (or boyfriend) that have their own real life moves that make our breathing sputter and our bodies quake not necessarily because of their insane, out of this world skills. But because he “does it” for us in RL ways, and we know we “do it” for him in out RL ways.

    But that doesn’t mean we can’t fantasize. It’s like our very own PG-rated porn, but better because its about more that just sex, but love, lust, wanting sex. It’s our guilty pleasure. And lets face it if Stephenie Meyer had Edward do a different “basic move” here we’d be panting and demanding that. Because it means he wants her, and not to just drink her blood. We love being wanted.

    And yes sex is important. It definitely matters. (And I hate to break this to you but we’re not 14 year old girls…and if you’ve been hanging around here thinking we are maybe we should call Chris Hansen because he’s kind of bored now that Taylor Wolfman Lautner is 18.)
    :)

    Anyway. Quit being so salty about it, and chalk it up to one more thing you’ll never quite understand about women. I think that’s like number 5,632,814 on the compiled, general man list. Its okay we don’t really expect men to truly get us. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband going on 14 years and he still doesn’t understand the interworkings of my mind, though it’s not without trying to.

    (ps-love the motivational posters!)

    • You said everything I wanted to and more. Thank you! ;)

    • “We love being wanted.”
      Excellent. Pretty much my biggest fear is that I will end up alone with my 37 cats. I want to be wanted. (and if it is Taycob, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t say no…)

      • You can’t be alone with 37 cats…

        • Thanks Jorts! I feel so much better now!

        • True, neighbors, HOA president, and eventually animal services and the local news would be knocking on your door every day…

          • One of them’s bound to be cute.

      • You all are hilarious! I wish I could give you all thumbs up… Stupid wordpress and poor thumbing skills (TS: I said thumbing again -lol)…

  16. “All this to say! You are not really excited about Leg Hitching. You are excited about having a man desperately in love with you finally being willing to profess that love in a tangibly physical way.”

    Thats it! I’m so proud of you. You FINALLY get it!!!
    That is the importance of the leg hitch in a nutshell (insert crude teenage joke here).

    Keep hanging around here and we’ll have you in touch with your sensitive side in no time. Hell, you might even get laid ;)

    • Ditto! And you should hang out with us more often Font. You might be a keeper.

    • Yup, that’s the insight that tells me that the Font GOT it. Often for us 14 yr old girls (reverse digits & looky here, there I am) it’s the meaning of the ‘thing’ – gesture, gift, mothereffingleghitch-to us that’s the point, not necessarily the thing in itself. Unless you’re talking about a great kisser (etc) & then it is the thing itself (not really) (a bit)…

      I think we should all let it be known that Font is not ‘the Twilight guy’, he’s actually the guy who understands the hearts of women (cue violins) & then he’ll be crushed in the stampede.

      P.S. Still meant what I said yesterday – you, Moon, special feelings, chat…I’m there for you man.

      P.P.S. A question for the Podcast: which films will let the ladies learn the deepest desires of a man’s heart (heart she says, heart) in the way that Twilight expresses about women? I know about the kind of films that express the deepest desires of a man’s trousers…I don’t mean those.

  17. Oh dear The Font,

    did you just write “There’s an Edward out there for you”? Cause then you ARE indeed the Twilight-guy! ;-)
    Edward might not have invented the leg hitch but nevertheless it’s one of the hottest scenes in the whole Twilight series. Yep, I even think it is hotter than most of the Isle Esme scenes…

    Soul

    PS: I may or may not have written a haiku for you and White Yorkie which I’ll send over to LTT soon… ;-)

    • “There’s an Edward out there for you”
      I may have sniffed once after reading that line.

      • Yeah, especially because I’m sure if had said something like “there’s an Edward out there for me” everyone would have thought I’m crazy and deluded myself into believing I live in a Disney-world. But coming from The Font it’s kinda awesome…

    • Yes yes, after I read “You love a woman for something you can’t see, you’ll be there for awhile.
      There’s an Edward out there for you,” I realized that some guys MUST have hearts, since this came from a guy, right?

      Well, if I can’t have The Font, I need to find a guy like him, like, ASAP.

      The Font, you truly surprise me with your insight, and… some other stuff..

      k bye :]

  18. Hi The Font,

    First of all, I’d like to say that we, the so-called “14 year old” girls really appreciate the time you’ve put in writing a post related to Twilight. Oh and the girl who made fun of you for being a Twilight guy, forget about her. Maybe she’s into Justin Bieber.

    The reason why the leg-hitch is so important (man, I REALLY hope David Slade is seeing all these posts and the follow-up comments about the leg-hitch) is because Edward, who, to quote Moon in ‘the self cockblocker’ finally lost some control. It’s great for a teenage girl like Bella’s self-esteem to know that the guy she’s ripping out her clothes for actually wants to do her. And up until that leg-hitch on Page 186 of Eclipse, Edward gave no indication of actually wanting her…(and I’m not counting all those instances where he mentioned how good she smelled. That was the vampire talking, not the man.)

    Additionally, after getting no action for two entire books, between two teenagers, this was the most we could get from Stephenie. So we’ll take what we get.

    • Everything you said!

    • lol – that is one page we all know right off the top of our heads… And have pretty much (if not completely) memorized…

    • Yeah everything you said

  19. So I’m single and I kind of just read that (well, the last few paragraphs) as though it was a little motivational speech about how I will one day find the right man. I feel a bit like if Font was here he’d have his hand reassuringly on my shoulder and he’d be slowly sliding the jumbo bag of chocolate buttons across the desk away from me.

    • Haha, most men know better than to separate a woman and her chocolate! It’s rather high up on their list of things they’ve even stopped trying to understand about women. Definintely among the first 1,000,000 items on there.

    • How wrong that I read this quickly as”if Font was here he’d have his hand reassuringly on my shoulder and he’d be slowly sliding the *other hand down my shirt*”.

      The Motivational Robward groping pics have tainted my eyesight.

  20. The motivational posters were ah-MAZING!

    So, I totally slow clapped in my head, but I still have a little crush on you, Font. I can’t help myself. A guy waxing philosophical about Twilight pretty much IS foreplay in my world.

    (yeah, I quoted that… sorry)

    • Yes, the motivational Posters = my fav!

    • Motivational posters were excellent! After examining the same picture over and over, I have just one question: Where is Bella’s hand, and what is it doing? Go ahead, take a look, and get back to me with your theories.

      • Oh my! I was so busy looking at Edward’s hand I didn’t even notice that! I have a theory. I’m sure I’m wrong. I’m embarrassed for wanting to be right.

      • Wow, go Bella. That’s not a beginner move.

  21. “None of the dudes you fall in love with is going to be as pretty as Edward, or have his literally rock hard abs. That is science. But they can love you the way that he does…. But the SOUL, right? That stays. That’s eternal.”

    My inner 13 year old girl just wiped a single tear drop from her cheek….while listening to Rob mumble ‘Let Me Sign’…….

    *sigh* Will the real Edward Cullen stand up please?

    • “My inner 13 year old girl just wiped a single tear drop from her cheek….while listening to Rob mumble ‘Let Me Sign’…….”

      That made me cry…and laugh all at once. ;)

      • To be honest, Stephenie Meyer has totally convinced me that I’m doomed to stay single forever. Because Edward (and eventually Rob) had completely ruined me for other men..
        I can practically hear the haters screaming how we’re too stupid to drool over an overprotective jerk with stalker-like tendencies…*shrugs* oh well to each her own..

        • To each their own, indeed.

          And by “to each their own” I mean “If you don’t think Edward is the be all end all of perfection” you suck. ;)

          Muhahahaha. My poor husband. It’s true. I’m in virtual love with a fake vampire man. Or maybe it’s just the hair. Either way…

          SWOOOOOONfreakingSWOOOOOOON

          • “If you don’t think Edward is the be all end all of perfection” you suck.
            Bahahaha….

  22. Having two posts in a row on LTT about the leg hitch is making me almost as excited as a leg hitch itself. Also I will be printing out the motivational posters and hanging them up over my bed to, you know, give the fiance something to think about. #notreally #okaymaybereally.

    Font, I think, but am not positive, that your point in this post was that the important part of the leg hitch was the combo of love+romance+sex in that scene in Eclipse. If that was your point, then yes you’re right. Not every 14 year old girl is going to adore a leg hitch, it takes the right combination of love, lust, romance, and leg hitch to work.

    Also I’m not going to be annoyed by your 14 year old girl comment because I was a pretty mature 14 year old. I would have never, ever lusted after Beiber. ugh.

    I have more of a breakdown in my comments last night, so I will let those speak for themselves and not bother to repeat them. so that I may go caffeinate myself a bit more.

    P.S. my day started with a leg hitch…after admitting (on a glass of wine), to my fiance last night that I was twittering about a #LegHitch and subsequently explaining it to him (or trying to explain…his reaction was much like The Font’s), this morning at about 6 am he mockingly started the day with the leg hitch before running off to work. And basically, ruined it. Maybe I can get him to redo it some other time when I’m not 1/2 asleep and we have, um more time? :(

    • I can’t believe I just shared that.

      • I’m glad you shared. I started rambling about personal leg hitches yesterday. Thanks for making me feel Normal. :)

      • That’s normal. I love you for sharing!

      • Are you kidding? I love that you shared that!!! You’re not alone.

        If your guy only knew the power he had, he wouldn’t have ruined it…. (who am I to talk, my hubs would’ve probably done something to deliberately ruin leg hitch for me too… This is why I’ve learned to be sly about those things and never admit when something has to do with twilight in any way shape or form) :)

      • I need a leg hitch NOW. Maybe dry sex is all I need since I have that awesome doctor appointment tomorrow… :(

      • LOL sooo glad you girls make me feel normal, too!

  23. This is so much win:
    #1 we have The Font
    #2 we have mention of a slow clap multiple times
    #3 we have inspiration for ‘all the single ladies” out that that they’ll one day find THEIR Edward
    #4 i just got “all the single ladies” stuck in your head

    XO

    • # 4 Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh!

      I just stood on my desk and did a lil’ Beyonce dance.

      Awww yeah.

      • #5. Take video of your “All the Single Ladies” dance.
        #6 Slow clap AGAIN!

    • Yep, I can’t deny it. You GOT “all the single ladies” stuck in my head. Now I’ll be singing it and annoy everybody with it all day. FUN!

      Btw UC, don’t you leave for vacay tomorrow? Or did I get that wrong? If you do, have a wonderful time! You so deserve it! ;-)

      • Aaaall the single ladies, aaaall the single ladies, now getcha hands up! Oh oh ooooh oh oh oooh oh oh ooooh oh oh oh…

        Yep. Stuck. This may last several weeks.

    • Great, I’m going to have that song in my head all day and doing impromptu hand flips (you know what I’m talking about).

    • EFF YOU

    • Weird, last night my friend got “single Ladies” stuck in my head in order to get “More than a Wo-man” out.

  24. I don’t care about being referred to as a ’14 year old’ or ‘all of you women’. I like having fun in the comments section by analyzing and discussing every stupid detail of the saga. Because all of you people are funny and my job is boring. But you actually get upset about the stupid stuff we say and feel the need to write letters, from your ivory tower to us, naive 14 year olds…just sayin’.

    • I <3 you. That is all.

    • *smirk* Whipping out the ivory tower! I concur with tuesday’s response.

  25. Oh Hey, Font,

    Where was I when you were 14 and locking yourself in a room all day? WHERE WAS I? I’ll tell you where I was…sitting in the flute section of band with my brown hair and straight A’s, nerding out with my wicked sense of humor. The question is, WHERE WERE YOU? Oh wait, I know, you were probably falling all over yourself to talk to the pretty blonde convertible driving cheerleader I sat next to in band for 6 solid years. Luckily, she was my friend, but it would have been nice if you said HI once or twice. I’m not bitter, I love my life, I’m just saying, you weren’t the only one looking for action, even the dry kind.

    Also, the leg hitch lives in my fantasy world, so it’s hot, trust me.

    (Sorry the first part came off kind of yelly. I don’t read/write slash, don’t know anything about Michael Vick (something about dog abuse?) and I pretty much refer to you as ‘The Font’ in my head, ’cause it sounds like ‘The Fonz’ and fonts are pretty much one of my favorite things. Told you I was a nerd. Still am. Oh, I am not 14, I am probably closer to your mother’s age than yours.)

    • I may need to be cited for illegal use, or overuse of parentheses.

      • I love parentheses (a whole lot).

      • You’re totally okay, LPB. I use parentheses all the time. (in just about every post, and in lots and lots of emails)

    • I was with you in spirit, only in the trumpet section. Band Geeks unite!!!!!!!!!!

      • Band Geeks Rule!

      • No, yay Dorkestra! (cellos ftw!)

        • My HS was too poor to have a Dorkestra. I would have hung out with you, I’m sure!

    • I <3 you! Except I wasn't the band geek, I was the fake lesbian athlete who didn't get drunk every weekend at your parties I wasn't invited to.

    • Aww, I played Clarinet, but I still got laid on music trips, but I was no where as near slutty as the flute girls…

      lol

      I kid…

      Maybe

      • You whore!

  26. Picture it. Sicily, 1939—-oh wait, wrong forum. Oops.

    Anyhow, picture it, Forks, WA, late 2000s. (Too lazy to look up the proper year.)

    A young girl meets a smokin’ hot (smokin’ cold? hmm, doesn’t sound quite the same) vampire who’s as frigid as I imagine Mrs Cope to be. They fall in love but he won’t touch her. Her teenage hormones are ripening like bananas and Edward’s the paper bag in which they ripen (that sounded better in my head). BUT HE WON’T TOUCH HER. Flash forward 2 books ahead and she wakes up in HIS bed, in the middle of the night, with HIM in said bed. He’s all sated from hunting and she’s all…well, horny. Cue bananas flambe!!!

    It’s not *just* a leg hitch, it’s all the back story and UST that makes it *the* leg hitch of all leg hitches in the history of leg hitches.

    • You had me at “Picture it.” Anyone who makes a Golden Girls reference has my heart.

      Good job explaining it, btw!

      • R I P, Sophia Petrillo.

    • Yey! Exactly!

      (thumbs up to you….for some reason wordpress acts like it takes the thumbs up but then it goes away… It’s teasing about as bad as SM with the leg hitch, I think we’re going to get somewhere and *bam!* denied.)

    • A Mrs. Cope reference?! Be still my heart. A million thumbs up. Though I always imagined Mrs. Cope to have a Phyllis (The Office) exterior, but a Ms. Perky (10 Things I Hate About You) prerogative at heart.

      • Oh for the love of all that is holy! Ignore the thumbs down! WordPress finally sends too have started actually accepting my effort to “thumbs up” when I have a fail on my touch screen phone and it thinks i was trying for the other!

        I should just call it a day on trying to thumbs up shouldn’t I?

        Sorry!!

        • Seriously! The down thumb didn’t take after all and my confession of my inept thumbing was unnecessary? Well if it decides to play yet another joke on me and reappear know it was not meant to be a thumb down.

          Time to go back to bed and start fresh tomorrow even though it’s only 1pm here…

          • Heh, you said “thumbing”

      • I thought you said “syphilis” at first, and I was concerned. Mrs. Cope may be inappropriate, but I didn’t envision her with syphilis.

      • And, btw, thanks for putting Phyllis in my head for the next time I read Twilight. Really appreciate that.

  27. I have nothing new to say here, except I am always a fan of motivational poster humor.

    • Aaaand, slightly unrelated, but you are my #HotAlex friend (even if you didn’t know it): http://smvgrey.deviantart.com/art/True-Blood-Motivational-2-158595262

      • NICE

      • Brilliant.

  28. Is it sad that when I first started having my leg hitched the 1993 Buick Skylark was some awesome futuristic vehicle!?? GAWD I am getting old. I did most of my “leg hitching” in a 1970 “Creepy Eddie Van” thankyouverymuch.

    Great letter The Font. You really do make LTT an even better place to hang out.

  29. This kind of kills me to point, since this post is great….but the word is “rebuttal” – as in a counterargument, or to refute a statement/idea.

    I would usually let it go, but it’s in the title, so…

    I havea a feeling I’m about to get killed with the thumbs down for this.

    • I’m thumbs upping you just to prove you wrong.

      • Hahaha, awesome, thanks. I feel better now.

    • Thank you!!! It was killing me…

    • Somebody’s gotta keep up the standards around here. I’m glad you stepped up to the plate.

      • I can pretty much forgive anything that’s in the main body or the comments, because seriously, I don’t even spell check anymore. But the title…the title…oh, the title.

        • maybe it’s a play on words, like it’s supposed to appear to be “rebattle” ?

  30. Dear Font,

    Riddle me this. Why do I find the implication that I am 14yearold girl perfectly acceptable, but Twi-Fan makes me want to junkpunch someone?

    Regards,

    AR

    • I thumb’s up this purely for the “junkpunch”!

    • Holly cow!! I have this same conversation/argument with my un-twilight friends all the time

    • Because Twi-fans wear Cullen crest necklaces out in public, and when I was 14, I was listening to Nirvana and idolizing Holden Caulfield.

      • I was such a cliche… but at least I don’t have Edward Cullen’s face tattooed on my ass… yet. ;)

      • You mean if I wear a huge ass Cullen crest out in public I will embarrass OTHER people? That’s huge.

  31. Okay this is totally random and off-topic but I had to share this with you LTT girls. Ted C just tweeted that Kristen might star opposite James McAvoy (yum!) in the Wanted sequel. I retweeted that and my brother just tweeted this back to me:

    “No thank you. If there is a sequel for Wanted, I’ll rather stick with Angelina Jolie. No anaemic vampire loving weirdos!”
    Yeah, I had to share what he called KStew.
    Men (and Twi-haters alike) just don’t get it.

  32. Font,

    Wait, I did think of something else…..
    I am sorry that “someone” “yelled” at you on Twitter. That does suck, and as a frequent receiver of people getting yelled at on the Twitter, I can empathize. However, someone once tried to sue me on Twitter. Yes, I am serious.

    Hugs & Understanding,
    Jane[t]

    • SHUT IT JANE[T]!! and I soo did not yell at him. I just calmly stated my opinion but the font kept saying, “BUT HE WENT TO FEDERAL PRISON” over and over. So really, he yelled at me.

  33. *joins slow clapp while chanting THE FONT THE FONT!!*

    Seriously, are you single?
    I’m not but maybe we can work something out and show you
    How well leg hitches still work for a 20somethin yr old
    IF DONE RIGHT ofcourse

  34. One of my fav. quotes ever is from the book High Fidelity. “The perfect match is the Cosmo women and the 14 year old boy”.
    Teenage boys spend years wanting foreplay and being scolded, slapped, and said “no” to. Now its all that adult women want. Of course the guys are no longer interested! Its like a pavlovian responce to cringe and not want it!

    Great letter The Font!

  35. Dear Font,

    I love you.

    Will you “leg hitch” me on a gold bedspread?

    (And so the Cupcake fell in love with the Font. – PS. I’m not 14)

  36. “separating the wheat from the chaff.”

    Hahaha!

    More like “separating the conflicting feelings of an embarrassing happy ending in your pants, from the painful chafe of your jeans after 45 minutes of dry humping on your beanbag chair.”

  37. Dear Font,

    I’m confused. I thought you were gay. Was this the other commenting unicorn on the site… Face Punch (a unicorn) or The White Yorkie (wait, is that even a guy?)? I must be mixed up.

    -TS

    • The Font and White Yorkie are not gay, but are seemingly involved in a bromance.

      Face Punch (a unicorn) is gay, if memory serves.

      • Thank you!

      • Speaking of our faithful unicorns, where the heck is BobbyGee?

  38. I have a dear male friend that heard a bestie and me talking about our favorite part – said “leg hitch.” He acted just like Font. All, “what the hell yall, I don’t get it.” he also proceeded to act it out… which fortunately enough, did not ruin the moment for me. We just rewound and listened to it again, sans moronic interruptions.

    Maybe it’s not the fact that its some spin the bottle dry hump move, maybe (well for me) it’s rob?

  39. The leg hitch…again. I think I might have cared a little about the leg hitch at the beginning of this week, but this horse is so dead now that I don’t think I care anymore.

    • hahaha! A bit like Boxer from Animal Farm.

      • I love your literary references, TS!

        • He was always my fave character from that book.

  40. Okay, so Ive been MIA from LTT for a few months, but i still get your tweets, up until today I’ve been super confused as to this “this font” character is that ya’ll keep mentioning. You will be happy to know that I have just spent the last hour and a half catching up on what I have missed since he arrived on the scene I’ve listened to the podcast’s and read all entries concerning him (and white yorkie). I do, in fact have a life, but as I am home sick today (from work, not high school) with the flu and have nothing better to do than listen to you guys talk about what you hate about twilight for an hour and a half. I like to think that “the font” looks like John Mayer (he’s probably WAY less sexy than JM, because there is no way that a guy that looks like John Mayer is commenting on a twilight blog) but we can dream can’t we? I liken you to John Mayer because a. your voice sort of sounds like his speaking voice b. the general douche baggery you speak of c. even though you speak of said douche baggery, I can’t help but love you.

  41. Dear Font,
    You are preaching to the choir here, lets put your knowledge to a different use. You now know we like the leg hitch, even if neither we nor you know exactly why. It’s a dumb move but it’s hot.
    You are a Twilightened soul, instruct other men on proper leg hitch technique. Start a leg hitch revolution. You could be the John Lennon of the movement (“all we need is Love (leg hitch)”). And the masses will rejoice.

  42. That was the motivational speech I needed today. *tear*

    —>”There’s an Edward out there for you. Some dude you’ll get excited about basic sex moves for. It’s worth separating the wheat from the chaff.”
    — Both Hi-larious AND moving!!! I too will join in with the slow claps! Bravo, Font, bravo! You sure know how to warm a girl’s (Twi freak) heart.

    I love the leg hitch just as much as anyone… maybe a bit more.. k.. a lot more probably….
    As mentioned, its indeed one of the most detailed schmexy times in the whole saga.
    But just try to fathom for a bit if those Isle Esme chapters weren’t the infamous cockblock fade-to-black…..
    Imagine if SM gave us those tiny tidbits.. play for play of Edward and Bella’s romp?.. And not just the before and after. Of course I don’t mean the elicit deets, all in good taste of course.. I’m TOTALLY delirious here…
    We’d be going on and on about exactly how Edward broke the headboard, bit the pillows, tore that black slutty piece off in a fit of passion. Like what did Edward say/do WHILE he was ravishing her? Is he a talker?- God I hope not. What were his and Bella’s instant reactions to him demolishing the headboard? ..What does Edward’s ‘O face’ look like? And how the F did Bella not notice him biting the pillows ’til the next morning?
    Okay maybe none of that would be appropriate for a YA novel but you get what Iamsayin’ …..

    Anyway, point being if we got a little more in depth description of that whole scene everyone would have been like, the leg what?.. The hitch, huh? So yeah like many have said, the leg hitch is the only REAL hot description we get in the entire saga. So the little we do get.. we cherish it, coddle it and hold it dear :)

    • “Is he a talker?- God I hope not.”

      That made me laugh, hard!
      There’s nothing worse than a guy who won’t shut up in bed.

      What would Edward say? Is there some kind of turn-of-the-century sexy/smutty style of talking?

      • I hope that he said, “Let’s do this.”

        • It’s too much to hope that he started singing, “Let’s get it on.”

          He probably started reciting poetry or using some flowery language.

      • Not that we could understand him…

    • It is strange that Bella sort of blacks out. Too much soda on the plane? We know how she’s got a low caffeine tolerance. Maybe she added a bottle of little Jack to her coke and that was conveniently left out.

      I always loved her assessment of her bruises, “Nothing worse than I’d had before” heh.

      I also like later once she’s turned and realizes that sex can last for, well, for ever. Edward’s all, “Why do you think I wanted you turned so badly!” It made me wonder if he blacked out the previous 3 books.

      • It was all sorts of confusing. Who can’t hear wood splintering or remember lingerie being torn from your body. I guess we’re supposed to assume Edward is hella good in bed!

        • Or she really hated that lingerie… she does seem to hate it, doesn’t she? Bella’s so weird.

          • Who doesn’t like to look pretty? Seriously, if I weighed 110 lbs, I’d walk around in lingerie all day.

    • for the ultimate alternate Isle Esme go see what LOLA SHOES has to offer in ff land …slow, tender. fast and hard.. all kinds of ways…quiet and chatty… phew **fans self**

  43. Leave it to a guy to make ” the leg hitch ” look tawdry. Thanks …… geez ………….

  44. However, PS, he did keep it real, and I laughed ….. more than once……..

  45. @ tooooldforthis
    LOL “turn-of-the-century sexy/smutty style of talking”

    Well we know that IF Edward said anything at all… it wouldn’t have been the least bit dirty. Hhhmm he’d probably just quote Shakespeare or said something like:
    Bella, I’m gonna resist your wine but REALLY enjoying your ‘bouquet’ ;)

    • I hope you know you are RUINING Edward for me, RUINING him !!!!! :)

      • Sorry Toooldforthis.. my apologies ;) lol
        Dude. I’d still swoon if Robward whispered the most cheestastic line in my ear.. just sayin’…

        • Robward could be telling me about the itemized deductions he was taking on this year’s tax return and I’d be screaming, “Do me!”

    • As long as he gets the accent and the rhythm going…
      Shakespeare is pretty naughty…every 10 words is a genitalia reference or euphemism.

      • Hmmm…. I never got into Shakespeare, suddenly he seems interesting.

  46. “I cannot believe all of you women are getting this excited about dry sex. Seriously.”

    I LOVE IT. Seriously.

    (I don’t mean the dry sex, I mean the letter. Mostly.)

    • I was gonna thumb you up for loving the dry sex. :(

  47. The leg hitch is important yes because the one you love is showing you with some physicality…I like to think it’s because Edward is showing Bella he’s a man. Because you need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell…you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you’re a man, aren’t you? Aren’t you?

    • And you are a frickin’ loon. I love it.

    • “A Man takes what he wants. He takes it all”

      *Fans Self*

      Sorry — BB Flashback

      Sassy………. Do you write FF?

  48. The Font’s response to the leghitch has me wondering what White Yorkie would make of it.

    Dare I ask?

  49. Where oh where is Midnight Cyn? I worry when we don’t hear from you, girl.

  50. @kandnandb

    “It’s not *just* a leg hitch, it’s all the back story and UST that makes it *the* leg hitch of all leg hitches in the history of leg hitches.”

    THIS!!!!!!!!!
    :)

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