Summit- do you need help with Breaking Dawn?

Continuing on our Spring Break (aka Moon & UC do some boring, geeky bloggy business for a few days), CalliopeBlabs brings us Part I of an EPIC Breaking Dawn suggestion for Summit!

Dearest Summit,

Seems you’ve been having some trouble with this whole Breaking Dawn issue.  I mean, I get it… I read the book, I KNOW there’s a lot to work through. One movie or two? Where to split? Who to direct? How to get around those pesky child protection laws to make TayTay falling in love with a baby okay.

Not to mention all the bargaining I’m sure you’ve been doing with Rob and Kristen.  Did they convince you to allow for TomStu to come to Isle Esme with them?  You know they don’t like to leave him by himself for too long… he’s a clingy one that TomStu.   Also, I know you and Rob have been trying to convince Stewie that method is the best way to go where Renesmee is concerned… any luck?

Or perhaps you’ve taken my advice and are trying to get the Pitt-Jolie biological offspring to star as the Golden Child since they all look the same since we all know with parents like Jolie-Pitt they’d be impeccably appropriate employees. I mean, Angelina and Brad… all business all the time. expect for that time when they got busy on one of your movie sets… I mean seriously!?! What do you feed your employees? So yes, I GET what monumental issues you’ve been facing with Breaking Dawn.

But…

you know….

it’s already APRIL.

I’m starting to get a little nervous here.

So of course, like the overly imaginative person I am… and because, unlike you, I do have a soul, I’ve decided to help you guys out here.  I’ve created the perfect solution to the problems you obviously can’t get around. Let’s just use the Bella, Edward & Jacob dolls you so willingly created and marketed at an exorbitant price to the Twi-fandom to make Breaking Dawn.  It’ll be cheap… you won’t have to worry about CGI… and no one will act out on set.   Sure some fans might be pissed but they’ll get over it. Plus, they are just fans… what do you care!?!

Still unsure? Need a visual? No problem.  Let me show you how it’s done… the story of Breaking Dawn: cheap, drama free and without the speculation of whether or not Barbie and Ken are doing it (they are). Grab the popcorn, dim the lights… and enjoy. Because at this rate, it might be as good as we are gonna get.

BOOK 1: BELLA

Bella: (Grumbles) Fine random dudes… i’ll let you get some pictures of me and my fancy car.

Bella: (pouting) i wish Edward would have stayed the night instead of gallivanting with his brothers. At least purple’s still cool… even if I am about to get married. I mean nothing says ready for the altar like purple sheets. At least, that’s what my YM magazine says.

Renee: you’re getting married… and you aren’t even knocked up!

Bella: (nervously) Dad, I think I’m going to puke.

Charlie: (loudly) You little LIAR! I knew it… you are knocked up! Where is that punk. I’m gonna kill him.

Charlie: why are you even here?

Bella: I DO

Priest: It’s not time for that yet dear

Bella: I DO

Edward: love, still not time for that

Bella: I DO.

Edward: I DO.

Bella: (relived and horny) YAYYYY we are married!

Find out what happens after the jump!

Bella: let’s go dance awkwardly in the corner of the reception for no apparent reason.

Bella: OMG Quill… Embry… Jacob! you came to the wedding! SQUEEEEE yay!

Edward: Are those your formal Jorts Mutts?


Bella: (super horny) i wonder where we are going on our honeymoon?!?!

Bella: (confused and on a boat) Edward Where are we going?!? OMG my dreams are becoming full on hallucinations… I swear a see a baby… and Alice?

nekkid Edward: okay bella… lets do it in the tepid water

Bella: YESSSS finally… let me get nekkid

Bella: Good morning hot stuff… wanna go another round?

Edward: get off of me bella i’m a ANIMAL!

Bella: Yes… yes you are!!! *growls & pounces*

Edward: No Bella! No means No!

Edward: (distraught) look in the mirror Bella! no more sex! (sparkles away)

Bella: we’ll see about that!

Bella: do i make u horny edward?

Edward: NO

Bella: how bout now?

Edward: NO

Bella: now?

Edward: NO! NO SEX!

Bella: now?

Edward: Are you trying to kill me?

Bella: you don’t LOVE ME!! *CRIES*

Edward: gah! i cannot deny you! Fine!

(they do it)

Bella: sexytime makes me hungry.

Edward: more eggs? My o my dear. I’d better vampify you before you go letting yourself go

Bella: Uh-oh Edward… I don’t feel so well!

~*~ End Breaking Dawn Book One ~*~

Look out for Book 2: Jacob from Breaking Dawn presented by Barbie and friends. I promise it’ll be out before Summit announces the actual making of Breaking Dawn.

Laugh, Joke and Stay Happy fandom.

Hearts,
Calli

P.S. can you count the number of Summit digs in this post?

We heard from LTT reader Krystal about an Water for Elephants reading group starting THIS SATURDAY: Check it out

Don’t forget to check out The LTT Biggest Loser on The Forum

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

About these ads

126 Responses

  1. That. Was. Amazing.

    • thank you :)

      • *give standing ovation*
        BRAVO!
        Unfortunately, I don’t think I can play Barbies with my daughters anymore without laughing. I can’t wait to see what you can do with BD Books 2 and 3.

  2. AMAZING post, Calli.

    Whenever Breaking Dawn finally comes out, I’ll be thinking of your awesome Barbies the whole time I watch the movie.

    And it’s all sorts of wrong that there is lingerie for Barbies. Who is the target market for buying it?

    • it is scary the many different outfits you can find for barbie…. and i had SEVERAL options for barbie lengiere. She’s a frisky one. i mean hey… she had to keep ken around… that Midge always had an eye on him.

  3. Oh. My. This was so awesome I don’t even have words.

  4. *gets up from floor, wipes tears from laughing so hard*

  5. Jaw hangs open in admiration…..

  6. Wow! Bravo! I just wish you had done this a year ago and saved me from actually reading that book!

  7. This is awesome! Seriously, I’m not sure how Summit can compete now that we have this version of BD.

    My fav is Edward saying “Bella, we are in an airport.” I can sooo hear him saying that.

    • true… because we all know that 24hours of traveling had to have had her asking for it any chance she got.

      • I know I would. ;-)

      • She could have tricked him and made him a member of the Mile High Club ;)

  8. That was kind of amazing.
    If this is as good as it’s gonna get, I’m satisfied.

  9. OMG, I already loved when you did this on Twitter. Plus Bella’s sexy plaid outfit cracks me up. This is wrong in so many ways but oh so good at the same time! Honestly, Summit can NEVER beat that version of BD! ;-)

    • The plaid lingerie had me laughing for 5 minutes.

      You do realize Summit is stealing that idea right now and planning to use it for the BD merchandising campaign!

      • haha, I So wanna buy a Bella action figure wearing that sexy plaid outfit!

        • i would die if summit put bella in plaid lengiere.

          • that would be the first smart move they ever made! Rob would probably buy the whole stock of Bella action figures… ;)

  10. Just so you know, this is brillaint. Please do books 2 and 3!

    • I want to see the whole saga in Barbies!

  11. Hilarious, Calli! I hope someone from Summit is reading this post, they could save themselves a lot of time and money.

    My favorite has to be: “Look! I’ve left glitter and bruises all over you!” Or maybe the “formal jorts”… lifeguard Ken, I presume? What’s up with the short-sleeved, kind of puffy jacket?

    • never question ken’s style.
      :) haha

      • All these years Barbie has been Ken’s beard…who knew?

  12. Win win win!!! This is so hilarious!!! I love to positioning of them in the (they do it) picture and the X coverig Barbie like it’s a porno. Hahaha
    “He won’t be able to refuse the plaid” Aren’t we meshing Rob and Edward on that one?

    “Can we have sex noooowwww?”

    • i actually found the uncensored version of that photo as well. haha… i figured we’d keep this true to form at go all PG-13… so the censored version was necessary.

      and at first you’d think that i was attributing Rob qualities to edward with the Plaid… however… if you look closely at those Eclipse stills… i’m pretty sure that everytime Edward is trying to get bella to marry him… She’s in Plaid. coincidence? i think not.
      like i said… those pacific northwest men… they love them some plaid.

  13. *claps enthusiastically*

    Omg epic win! That was frickin’ awesome!

    *chants like a child* Again! Again!

    • (or I should say chants like BELLA) ;)

  14. BWahahahhahah.

    I should have known what you were up to weeks ago with all the Barbie pics.

    This is my favorite:
    http://letterstotwilight.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/pic6.jpg

    I snorted when I realized the flowergirl was Alice.

    Btw, what is going on with this pic:
    http://letterstotwilight.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/pic13.jpg

    Is that sparkle fluids? (you know what I’m saying, hint hint)?

    Fantastic start to the weekend. Love you girl.

    • “Sparkle fluids”!

    • those are indeed Sparkle fluids. i mean… the vamp was doing it for the FIRST time in over 108 years of existence… it had to have gotten a little messy.

      • I love that when you open up that picture, it actually does sparkle. Somebody having fun with their sister’s photoshop? Were you hiding this from her, “no you cannot see what I want to sparkle!”

        • That photo is like fanfiction gone terribly wrong… or right… depending on how you look at it.

        • OHHHHHHHHHHH just wait for book two pictures… obvs i got more photoshop happy as time went on.

  15. My favorite is the barbie and ken giving high-five while there doing it. I laughed so hard.

  16. OMG! This was hilarious. I was laughing OUT LOUD! You Rock Girl!!!!!

  17. Summit can not top this. Never! FTMFW!

  18. O. M. G. i can hardly type – i’m cryng this is HILAR !! you are brilliant – i love the way your mind works!
    **gasping for breath**

    where on earth did yu get all those pics from – like seriuosly that si lot of time in just that!

    • it’s amazing what you can find when you google barbie and one other word…. however, i’d make sure you put the “moderate search” on when you do…. because apparently there are a LOT of porno chicks with the name barbie as well… and they also like to swim, have sex, get married, and go on mother effing boats.

  19. That was EPIC!
    I really hope someone, anyone, from Summit reads this post!

  20. I cannot even come up with an intelligent comment. I may or may not have just gotten myself fired by laughing so loud. Calli, my girl crush is as strong as my kung fu.

    GENIUS!

  21. Somewhere out there is a photo of barbie puking. That it exists and that you found a valid use for it, is nothing short of astonishing.

    • the sad part is …. i had OPTIONS. barbie… she’s payed homage to the porcelain God more than once.

  22. That Ken doll looks beyond creepy!
    Formal jorts? bahaha…
    Can I just say that the Charlie in the period costume and top hat reminds me so much of Rob as Georges Duroy?

    “You can take the vamp out of the Pacific NW but you can’t take the Pacific NW out of the vamp!”
    So much win!

    • “Can I just say that the Charlie in the period costume and top hat reminds me so much of Rob as Georges Duroy?”

      I was thinking the exact same thing and got really excited for a minute :0

  23. Wow. Just wow. Fucking genius.

  24. Calli, there are no words! well there are 3…you are amazing! :)

  25. Calli, you are simply awesome. “I’d better vampify you before you let yourself go”. Too funny.
    BRING ON BREAKING DAWN PART II!!!

    • you know that’s what he was thinking:
      “whoa.. hey bella… slow your role darling… you don’t have to eat all those eggs… don’t want you going and letting yourself go just yet”

      • You won’t want me when I’m fat and fugly. :D

        • Bella, do you not understand my feelings for you at all? Sorry, couldn’t resist.

  26. never going to look at barbies the same again.

    kudos, that was hilarious!!!

  27. We need Tim burton on this!

    • Yes! We need Tim Burton, Calliope, and maybe, Paul Verhoven. They would give us the creepy, pervy, funny Breaking Dawn we want to see.

  28. This post was all sorts of awesome, Calli! Can’t wait for book 2!

    Plus I second Alice’s motion for getting Tim Burton on board for this version of the movie.
    *runs home to rewatch the corpse bride*

  29. “It’s gonna happen edward…I’ve seen it”- isn’t this the only line Alice has in all the books? she just repeats it over and over

    Prigward: “Get off me Bella, I’m an ANIMAL”

    Horny Bella! “Can we do it now, Edward? How about now? Now? Please? Well what about now? Can we do it now?”

    Summit CAN’T do better than this, Calli- is brills! LOVE!!

    P.S. I wish Edward smiled as much while doin’ it as Ken does in the nekkid picture- Edward is such a sour puss in BD, it pisses me off.

    • i know… i’d like edward to smile at least once during sexy time. maybe roberto can ad lib.

    • RE: Alice’s only line in the books…I think you are right. And her only line in the movies is “It’s time.”

    • I think they should high-five like in that pic too. Nothing says great sex like an impromptu high-five.

      Edward: This is amazing!
      Bella: I know we rock at this!
      Edward: High-five!

  30. This is absolutely brilliant….

    See, book 1 done in under 30 minutes. Who needs 2 movies?

    • I second this.

  31. Oh Calli.
    This was f*cking EPIC!!!
    So full of win.
    Question: are all of these pics you found or are some you photo’d yourself?
    Cannot WAIT for part 2.

    • bahahaha… thank GOD i didn’t take these pictures myself. I’d be calling up UC and BrookeLockart right now and have them pick me up and cart me to the nearest hospital.

      these were all pictures i found by doing what Edward cullen suggested. I googled it.

      • Wow. haha.
        And thank God for Google!

  32. Jesus Peanut Butter, but that was awesomesauce.
    i never thought of replacing Barbie for Bella….very creative indeed.

  33. LOVE!

  34. LMAO!
    I loved this when Calli did this on twitter.
    When we finally get to see BD I think I’ll end up imagining this instead haha.

  35. HA! Formal jorts. This totally made my day!

  36. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard! Reminded me of playing Barbies as a kid! Thanks for a great way to start my day. Looking forward to the next segment!

  37. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by BrookeLockart: Please do not eat or drink while reading this post due to the epic LOL. @CalliopeBlabs guest blogs on @letter2twilight http://bit.ly/bhTgqV

  38. Best laugh I’ve had all week. The plaid ensemble was pure win!

  39. I can’t wait for book 2. where DID you find plaid nighty barbie? perfect!

  40. This is epic. Now I can’t help but think of the movie Team America and that one little scene :cough: puppet sex :cough: I’m all blushing thinking wow, Isle Esme was some seriously kinky shizz. Ha.

  41. FTW! That was priceless! …covered in bruises and sparkles… plaid lingerie… hilarious!

    The best part: No stuttering! Ahahaha!

  42. This has to be one of the top 5 funniest LTT posts! Sorry Moon and UC, but that was one of the best! Great job Calli! You are truly gifted.

  43. This is absofuckinglutely brilliant – work of art. Fabulous Calli.

    x

  44. HOLY MOTHER FLIPPING WOW!

    • you like jane?

      • Jane like lots!

        PS Speaking/writing like classic Tarzan movies is kinda fun.

  45. ;)!!!

    • MidCyn!!! *Ang waves frantically at the screen* Miss you!

      • @Ang <3 <3…better, but still ahving trouble reading/typing..Miss everyone!
        Thanx for all the piics Cal…. :)

    • MidCyn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • ((Hugs TS))

  46. Even if they dig up Kubrick to direct, BD can never be this good! Used to have a Stretch Armstrong lying around, but he kept leaking weird bodily fluids all over the house and I trashed his ass. So can’t help you there. Here’s hoping you find a troll doll in time for the joyous birth!

    • he kept leaking weird bodily fluids… twss.

  47. OMG plaid lingerie :)

    Quil clout lay Calliope

    • Actually, I think that means “There’s a dead possum in your driveway” in Quileute.

  48. OMG – I am laughing so hard.

    I love the plaid lingerie one.

    Anyways – thanks for the giggles – glad my coffee mug was empty!

    Katy

  49. HAHA omg calliope you are genius!! and I cant wait for book 2!! I think I’m gonna go read it again it was so funny! great way to start a friday! and love the plaid lingerie!! ….you can actually buy lingerie for barbie dolls???? thats so…wrong.

    p.s. calliope I also totes love your R&K convos on twitter. hilarious!

  50. Wow. Just wow. How long did it take to google all those images?!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 158 other followers

%d bloggers like this: