Back in the old days when our letters were just a mere paragraph long and it was a good day if our comments reached 10, we began this idea of a “Unicorn.” Brought to us by our FIRST reader ever (affectionately STILL referred to as our “Fanbase”) a Unicorn was first defined as a grown man who reads Twilight in public. The definition has grown over the past year and includes men who read Twilight in private, joke about Twilight, are interested in conversations about Twilight and occasionally even geek out and comment on LTT about Twilight. Throughout the past year we’ve often sighed, “Oh how lucky” after reading a letter from a woman about her Unicorn. But I don’t have a Unicorn. My husband is the antithesis of a Unicorn. And if I’m honest with myself and you all, I want Unicorns as friends, sure, but at the end of the day, I don’t really want to get freaky with one. Turns out I am not alone.
Dear UC and Moon,
Due to a recent development in my love life (thank goodness, right? I was getting a little bored with a lack of one) I think I’ve come to a realization, and that is this: I don’t want to date a unicorn. *gasp!* ” I know, right?!”
We adore our beloved unicorns. We encourage them. We create them (to the best of our abilities). So why on earth wouldn’t I want my new interest to become one?
Lets face it: Twilight is a chick flick. Movie and books both. There’s absolutely no arguing against that. I don’t care how many wired stunts, mirror crashing action, and Buttcrack Santa jokes you throw in there; it’s still one of the biggest chick flicks ever. I’ve heard so many people try and argue this point and fight against, but truth is truth. So without further ado, I give you my stance.
You know it’s a chick flick when:
- it’s a love story
- the fan base is undeniably, predominantly female and has a “tween” rep
- you hear shrieks of glee when the title flashes across the screen
- the lead male is frequently referred to as “beautiful” on and off screen
- it inspires products like lip gloss and shimmer powder (UC note: And Sparkly dildos)
- the lead male sparkles
- the lead female is fully clothed for over 95% of the movie.
- there’s a prom scene and no one dies (so close bella)
- the subjects discussed between characters include dresses, boobs, characters’ relationship status’, and the swim team’s peens.
- the dialogue includes words and terms like “irrevocably”, “matriculate”, “masochistic”, “Debussy”, and “spidermonkey”.
- there are more silent, awkward-turtle moments then there are action moments
- the only weapons are mind powers which do not translate visually.
- fans constantly fight over who’s the dreamiest
- it takes place in a forest setting and there’s no sign of elves, dwarves, or an extra-terrestrial fought by a commando who states “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”
And lets face it, as far as chick flicks go, this one is unconditionally and irrevocably one of the chickiest of them all. Which brings me back to why I would never date a unicorn. Girls always talk about how they want a sensitive guy who’s not afraid to show his emotions or cry. Fine, good. Be sweet and adorable and cry when your puppy gets hit by a car, but for the love of all that is good and right in this world, do not run out of the room in horror when a spider is spotted and do NOT like Twilight.
Dear all future boyfriends….
Do NOT, of your own free will:
- offer to watch, read, or talk about Twilight and mean it
- buy tickets ahead of time to see the new movie
- steal my Twilight books to read
- discuss Twilight in any other manner than brazen mockery
- let curiosity get the best of you
- EVER consider what you would look like with a Twilight murse.
- let me “girl-out” with my girls every once in a while and utilize that time to do something manly like watch football, build something, or hunt wild boar.
- (UC addition: indulge in a little Edward/Bella fantasy action with me from time to time)
I promise to never ask, chide, or coerce you to share Twilight with me in any capacity so long as you kill my spiders, change my flat tire (must remove shirt), and pretend not to notice how much time I spend watching the same vampire movie over and over, looking at pictures of the same guy with the sexy arms and “do-me” dimpled grin, and reading/responding to a blog about said vampire story. Deal?
What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Wish your man was a little more into Twilight? On your online dating profile do you have listed “Will only date men who can carry on Twilosophical conversation about the need for Buttcrack Santa”? Do you HAVE a Unicorn at home? When its starting to get hot and heavy in the bedroom does he sometimes stop and turn to you and say, “Sometimes I really wish I was friends with Mike Newton so I could pull him aside and say, “DUDE- you work with her in an EMPTY store. Take her the storage room. Accidentally turn off the light. KISS HER”? Spill!!