How to get GUYS in the theater to see Eclipse…

We didn’t invent “Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style,” we just invented the name. So we LOVE receiving emails from YOU ALL sharing whatever it is you recently broke down with a friend, fellow twi-lover, someone you hate OR… a closeted Unicorn….

Dear Eclipse,
I became enamored with the Twilight Saga right before the first movie came out, and I was a goner. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I believe that I survived by reading the Twilight novels and watching the first movie (over and over). Eclipse was by far my favorite of the books. The intensities of the relationships kept me coming back and Bella’s indecision made me want to punch her in the face.

My husband, like most husbands, has not been supportive of my relationship with Twilight. He says the normal things, “it’s stupid” or “a waste of my time” or “a horrible story.” My immediate reaction is, “duh,” but I must stand strong for my companion who got me through so much. This has been the source of many arguments between us, usually revolving around me not cleaning house because I’m watching the movie or reading the books again. Hoping he would turn out to be some sort of closet Unicorn, I drug him to the premiere of both movies with me, along with my girlfriends, but alas, he did not turn.

I decided to become a silent fan in my home. I stopped talking about Twilight, the books, my trading cards, the Eclipse teaser trailer release, the New Moon DVD release, which DVD I would purchase and so on and so forth. I was, however, able to turn my five year old daughter into a Twi-fan, so I still had someone to share a few things with.

My weekend was horrible and I spent the majority of the weekend sulking. In an obvious effort to cheer me up, my husband came into the bedroom to show me ads from Sunday’s paper with all the different New Moon DVD’s that were coming out and the different prices. I was amazed, but I knew why he was looking at them. First, I’m going to buy one anyway, so he might as well help me save money. Second, if I’m upset, he’s not getting any.

I had not had a chance to search for anymore Eclipse news over the weekend, so when I came into work Monday morning, that was my first order of business. I was so excited to find the Sneak Peek to Eclipse. I only watched it about five times before I had to get some work done. Immediately after lunch I was chatting with my husband and told him I found that the Sneak Peek. I was shocked at the conversation to follow:

The part where I almost have a heart attack.

How 'bout a threesome guys? (click to read)

Me: There was a sneak peek from the new Twi-movie on the web. It says it’s going to be on the DVD but it’s only 2 minutes long
Me: that 7 minute one at Wally’s must be different
The Hubby: oh, i think i saw that one
The Hubby: the 2 min one
Me: the sneak peek?
The Hubby: yes
Me: you watched it?
The Hubby: yes
Me: who are you? and what have you done with Mark

The part where we discuss the subtle intricacies and a three-some with the love triangle

The Hubby: oh the turmoil
Me: hehe- it’s more fun than the trailer. You get to see everybody
The Hubby: “you must consider i might be better for her” you blood sucker
Me: LOL
The Hubby: on guard dog boy
Me: you never stop surprising me
The Hubby: it popped up somewhere so i figured what the hey
The Hubby: it’s going major soap opera now though
Me: yes, this one is a major soap opera. well, they all are
The Hubby: perhaps, but this one is major league
Me: a major league soap opera? Yes.
The Hubby: let’s make a monster sandwich
Me: huh? oh!  I got it
The Hubby: a “bella sandwich”
Me: yes, that may have crossed their minds

Eat your heart out guys- there's a NEW hot wolf in town

The one where he refers to Taylor as Fez, from That 70’s Show

The Hubby: fez is so cute with all of those muscles too
Me: all he needs is the lisp
The Hubby: i’m sure he could pull it off
Me: I’d like to see him try. that would be good stuff
The Hubby: yes

The one with the solution to the problem we Twi-nerds have been looking for! How to get our guys to want to go to the next movie! (Or at least how to get them to stop bugging us.)

Me: there is a girl wolf in this one, but I don’t think she goes topless- sorry
The Hubby: What! THIS IS AN OUT RAGE, A SEXIST OUTRAGE!
Me: I think we should broadcast your opinion. heheh
The Hubby: yes, sacrifice the teen base crowd for the twi-dads! it’s their only hope

And then I realized, the only fair thing to do, is to have Leah be topless. I will concede that I would rather not have a topless girl in the movie, but if I can drag my husband to watch it over and over without complaint, I think there is something to this idea. I’m not a lesbian, or a fake lesbian, but I want to see this movie as much as I want without getting grief.

Thank you Eclipse for considering my suggestion,
Dame Iron Fury

Have you broken it down ‘Vanity Fair Style” with a closeted Unicorn? Do the men in your life admit when they’ve watched something Twi-related!? And seriously- what ARE they gonna do about Leah running around “half-naked!?”

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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107 Responses

  1. You had me at “I wanted to punch Bella in the face.”

    Love Taylor as Fez! Now I’ll be laughing whenever Jacob is on screen. “I said good day!!”

    • Love it!!!! I heart Fez hard!

      • I just tell it like it is. Now I want to see Taycob play Fez! That would be a spankin’ good time!

  2. Well, now that you mention it, Dame Iron Fury, it seems only fair that Leah should be topless too. Fake lesbians unite!

    • ehem, yes she is smokin’ hot. And if I can get my husband to willing go to Eclipse, then I’m all over it.

  3. First of all, I wish I had Twi-conversations with my hubby like that instead of the real one recently where he refered to Rob as that “gay, sparkly British douche”.

    Second, I’m totally down with the topless werewolf. Not a lesbian, but she’s smokin’.

  4. Wait… there were Twilight trading cards??

    • I love how out of all that, that’s what you picked up on.

    • And I love that you are pretending you didn’t already know that.

  5. If not topless then some sort of Daisy Duke type outfit. Uber short jorts and a tiny little tank where you actually have to ask if it’s a bra or not. That would work.

    GOOD DAY!!

    • Werewolves don’t do bras. Nope.

      • When Leah phases into a girl werewolf, does she get 3 pairs of mammaries?

        • hahahahahahaha. OMG my spleen….my spleen…..(dude, that was funny)

        • Unless she’s had a litter though they’ll just be little flat lala’s…no bra needed.

  6. I LOL’d at the Leah topless…
    …mainly because my fiance said he might go see Eclipse with me but has also asked, numerous times, if he would ever see any “boob” in these movies. I had to say no – although added maybe for the 4th one, anything goes there – but there are definitely a lot of men (and by extension women) who wouldn’t object to a little more nudity.

    Unfortunately I think Leah would be like the last one to go topless…she’s so grumpy and standoffish and I doubt she’d want to give anyone that kind of satisfaction.

  7. *stands up*

    I’m Fangbanger!

    • I am Fangbanger.

      • and so am i.

      • and so am i.

        • This won’t embed. *rages* But watch it… cause *steps forward*

          I da pappy.

          • *flails* Pappy!

          • this is the best thing ever. EVER.

    • *sniff*

      All the whores wanna be like me. At least, I love these ones.

      I am now gangbanker. Just for today… or maybe tomorrow too. I’m such a fickle bitch.

      • Whores? Psh. Well I’m no gangbanker, but…

        • *sits down*

          *stands back up*

          I am Gangbanker.

    • I love you guys. (other more awesome comment is being moderated)

      You guys wanna eat lunch with me today? I’m craving a BLT… minus the tomato.

      • You know it! Om effing nom.

      • Without tomato is my favorite.

    • In the morning newspaper the other day they had a whole bit about ‘unusual’ sexual fantasies, this included watersports and such, but the biggest section was about vampire fantasies! Seems it’s pretty common! And appropriate for a newspaper I eat my breakfast with.

      • Vamp fantasy breakfast reading?! That sounds delicious!

      • Amazing.

        Now I just want to be a banker for the Bloods.

        Can’t make my mind up on anything.

  8. OMG..Peter F. is on MARTHA STEWART and who knew SHE IS A FAN OF THE TWILIGHT SERIES!!!
    Happy Thursday everyone!! Will try to be very careful with my posts today! :)

    • Awww, Cyn, don’t let downthumbers bother you. There’s no telling their motivations and no method to their madness.

      Say whatever you like. And then say eff ‘em. I’ll upthumb you. I just did. Happy Thursday to you, too, lady.

      • Thanks StotheP….It was my screwup yesterday…I don’t blame the downthumbers…it didn’t read the way I thought it …does that make sense?? Probably not…

    • Aww, I wish I was home to watch! I love Peter AND Martha! Martha was the one who had the “dream about Rob”, right? Hilarious.

      Hi, Cyndi! :)

      • Hi Katie..How are you? PF was really cute on Martha..he made meatballs and his folks were in the audience.. :)

    • HUGS! Sorry I missed you last night!

      • Yeah I was unable to sleep again…and saw your comment yesterday so went on Twitter looking for you…probably good thing you weren’t around..I was kinda down in the dumps…did you leave a DM cause I didn’t have one from you? Hope your having a good day!

        • Oops! Maybe I sent it to your old Twitter name by mistake. I’ll send another one. Be on the lookout!

        • Oops! I did send it to the wrong Twitter name. My bad!

          Also, you know I’ll hang out with you no matter what mood you are in! If you’re sad I can try to cheer you up!

          HUGS!

          • LUVS YOU JodieO…<3 …but I really try not to impose my moods on anyone else…everyone has stuff going on. so I am sorta glad you weren't around..as soon as I can log on to Twitter I will check your message. I was trying to do something consructive late last night by attempting to learn some of the features of Windows 7….somehow I deleted things that I shouldn't have..BIG SURPRISE THERE…anyway now I can't log onto to Twitter…go figure…will keep working on it though…couldn't find LTT for 2 hours this morning.. :(

          • @MidCyn – Oh my stars! Sounds like your technology week is as good as mine!

            It seems like every time I try to DM you or email you there’s technological fail. If I didn’t know you better I’d be getting a complex! =P

          • @JodieO….do you remember my Twitter name???

          • You have two. Stareide and Midnight_Cyn. I’ve just sent you a bunch of messages under the Stareide name. =)

          • @JodieO…which one was I using last night? OMELE..I am so confused..trying to put the peices together…I am SO FRUSTRATED!!!!

          • You were using Stareide last night. HUGS!

          • @JodieO…I tried that and every password I can think of and it keeps saying wrong username or password….WTH!! CAN JUST ONE THING GO RIGHT???? ARGGHHHH…I need a kiss from Edward right now…I mean the hubs…see how confused I am…

          • Riiiight… confused. =P Give it until tomorrow and try again. Maybe you’ll catch a break in the morning after you’ve gotten some SLEEP!

            Because you are totally sleeping tonight. Right?

          • @JodieO..maybe your right…I haven’t slept in 3 days….that probably isn’t helping…plus I just can’t get the hang of this windows 7…so different than what I am used to… sorry for the rant… <3 you!!

          • Whoops! I replied to the wrong thread. See below for my response.

            (And I have no excuses like brain damage or lack of sleep)

        • MidCyn – You are never bad company! mwah!

          • @Ang mwah back at ya…hope your having a GREAT day!!!

        • Yeah, I’m like that every time I have to learn a new operating system. I don’t understand why they have to rename things and move shit around. It’s so frustrating!

          But I do know for a fact that people with memory problems tend to be higher functioning after sleeping, so I’m sure it’s no different with you. Especially if you’ve been up for 3 days! I wouldn’t be able to remember my own name if I was up for 3 days!

          • What I find the hardest is that everything is in pictures w/ Windows 7..which doesn’t work for me. Also you just touch something and it opens/close etc., the mouse does all kinds of bizarre things which Dell tells me is because it wasn’t installed properly which is why they want me to send the computer back to fix that and some other glitches but I can’t take the chance that I will be computerless for another month or so. Last night I thought I was only deleting my browsing history but it took out everything…all the programs are completely different too. I just don’t know how to use anything…and I keep losing notes that I save but don’t know where “the computer” is storing them…Gawd I am pathetic…I want my old computer back…it stored my passwords, saved my pages and folders etc., And yes I am really really tired….but you watch..tonight I will be up pacing the floors again…

    • Thumbsupping you!

      And I love Martha and her Twilight fangirliness just makes her that much more awesome.

      P.S. what’s with all this I’m fangbanger/I’m sparklecakes business on other threads? I feel as though I’m back in middle school, being left out of the Popular Girl clique thanks to some exclusive inside joke…?

      • Not really…there’s about 12 of us that skype every night and we get loopy and talk about the most inane crap and end up bringing it on here because, well, just because. I tend not to worry about anything said on here unless it’s unquestionably directed at me. I think there are groups or “cliques” on here, but I don’t think it’s meant to leave anyone out. It’s all in who you gel with.

        • http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y202/egregious_girl/macros%20and%20manips/992cg6jpg.png

          a day late & a dollar short.
          p.s. what sparkles said. we’re not totally evil, i promise.

        • Sounds fun!
          By the way, lest there be any confusion I am not accusing you guys of excluding anyone for malevolent reasons, just wondering what was up ;)

          • just being silly and supporting our favorite gangbanger…i mean fangbanker…i mean…oh hell, what is that bitch’s name again?

          • I just know her by avatar.

          • Yeah, we didn’t purposely exclude anyone. A few months ago I mentioned getting on Skype and some did, some didn’t. No bigs.

        • P.S. I’m starting a new LTT clique so that I never feel left out again. I will be your leader. Applications are accepted starting…now.

          I need a name for our clique. Luckily, however, I already have a uniform and TWO mascots, both of which are illustrated in this picture:

          http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/11/21/twilight_happy.jpg

          We also have an official food, which are mini Werther’s (Re: comments on Tuesday.)

          • adorable. that might be my fave pic of them ever.

          • @operarose…OMELE…love that pic…Kristen kinda looks like she is not amused at whatever Rob finds hilarious !! Can I wear one of those jackets?? (Preferably the one that I rip off of Rob)….oh did I really say that…my bad…

          • I know, right? Cutest pic ever! They both look HOT in those jackets. I thought the same thing… I want one too! And yeah, I’ll sacrifice and take Rob’s if I must. *<-sarcasm*
            (And normally I'm not the leather jacket type either.)

          • Also, I normally don’t really care about the whole shipping thing, but I see that photo is dated Nov. 2008 and I can’t help but wonder if they were “together” back then because they had matching jackets/outfits. It was like they coordinated way too well. I can just see it… K sneaks out of her room with Oregano at 5am when he’s still in a pot-induced sleep and rides into the sunrise on the back of RPattz’s motorcyle, on their way to the salvation army to purchase their matching Today Show outfits (or whatever show they were on in that pic.)

            aww, so cute. In a jealous-making way.

          • Amazing, operarose. Love the pic.

            That fangbanger is a total whore. Don’t trust her. She stole Regina George’s boyfriend and then cheated on him with Robert Pattinson. AND THEN she sang Jingle Bell rock. On stage. BLASPHEMY!

            I really have no idea what I’m talking about.

            I just love you all. If you wanna hear me whine, just go to my twitter. Whining and general fangbanger sort of behavior 24/7 over there.

            I’m kind of a big deal. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. I’m the pappy. Never let go, Jack. Hold on tight, spidermonkey. Redrum. Etc, etc.

            PS. My father INVENTED toaster streudel.

            PPS. I smoke a lot of crack in my spare time. Sorriez.

          • OMG, I love toaster streudels. I lived on them my freshman year of college. Good thing I burned a lot of calories that year….

            I will follow you on the twitter in order to creepily find out more about your toaster streudel family. You’ll know who I am by my twitter name, which is shockingly, operarose.

          • k, I’m going to assume your twitter name is not “fangbanger.” will now back slowly away from twitter.

          • Oooh. Twitter name is “antisocialangel”

            Which is shockingly true. Sorry! :)

          • Thx operarose, I was clueless about that same thing. I’m glad you asked.

            *raises hand* I wanna apply. Oo! Ooo! Pick me! Pick me!!!

            Does this new LTT clique you’re leading, allow alone time w/ the mascot of your choosing?? Can I claim some time with the one on the right? He looks fun… ;)

          • JacobEdward: Yes. However, the waiting list for alone time with the mascot(s) is long. (twss).

          • Ha ha that pic is great.

            …and referring to the post on LTR today, he kind of does look a little, “special” in that pic.
            She looks like the older sister who had to take her little spaz brother out for ice cream.

      • @operarose…..<3 you!! And thanks for asking about the fangbanger/i'm sparklecakes threads…I didn't understand what it was all about but thought it was just me so I didn't want to ask b/c of yesterday..

        • @midnight_cyn don’t be afraid! i’m reasonably certain it wasn’t any of us that downthumbed you yesterday. i for one, am rather fond of you, though we don’t really actually know each other.

          • Word. I’m pretty sure MidCyn’s the nicest chick on here.

          • Ha! I downthumbed myself. Dumbass…

          • @ egregiousgirl & Sparklecakes….thanks guys…I adore everyone here at LTT..you all know that! Like I said..I don’t blame the downthumbers…it was my error! I need to be more careful and triple check b4 I comment…(some days are better than others so even if I read things a zillion times they “look” right to me but aren’t)….working hard on it tho… :)

          • @sparklecakes – you deserved it. lol.

          • aw, don’t be paranoid Cyn, you really don’t need to worry about what you post. I have made some dumb comments and gotten downthumbed before too. I’ve also gotten majorly downthumbed at LTR before. Don’t let it get to you.

  9. ‘On guard dog boy’….funny how this was the only sentence that caught my eye….hilarious.

    The kind of convos I have with my husband (who went with me to see New Moon & looked at his watch every 90 seconds) go like this…

    Him, ‘That’s just hours of some sulky teenage girl who can’t make her mind up. There was no plot!’
    Me, ‘The relationships ARE the plot, sweetpea. Those count as events for us females.’
    Him, ‘What?’

    SIgh.

    P.S. I want to play …*stands up*,

    ‘I’M SPARKLECAKES!’

    DOn’t care if Fang was mentioned by the geezers, Sparklecakes sounds so much more like….

    • Lol I love you

    • You don’t wanna be me?

      *sobs*

      • I wanna be you!…I am such a fangbanger! I’m no Gilderoy…thats for sure!
        <3

        • I wanna be Illegal/Fez!

          Let’s trade spots.

          • It’s not that I don’t want to be you Fangsta….I just want to be Sparklecakes more. In this case she is my Edward. Actually I would have chosen dog boy, so she is my Jacob. Got it?

            Plus my main point was that Sparklecakes sounds a lot more like Spartacus than Fangbanger does, & seeing as I was in my loincloth (jorts in the wash) I wanted to go authentic…

            Lets hope we don’t all get crucified at the end of the movie.

  10. I can relate to the part where you mention the Twilight books getting you through a tough time in your life. It was the same for me.. I needed a distraction, and the books were perfect. I could escape to Forks and just not worry about the rest.
    It was the most fun when I could read during rainy days :P

    • I uploaded it to my iphone so I could “listen” at work to the movie. I think it’s the only way I survive.

  11. “if I’m upset, he’s not getting any.”
    This sorta stuff should be taught at school.

  12. Oooh. Sorry, Dame Iron Fury.

    I am SO a fangbanger and I forgot to say I loved your letter. Perfect. :)

    • Thanks fangbanger! You are all so uber-cool!

  13. Totally off topic but… if anyone else became a fan of Laura Marling after the Rob/Rachelle MuchMusic interview like I did, she’s going to be on Absolute Radio tonight! (Or for us in the US on EST, sometime between 1 and 4 on Geoff’s Hometime Show.) I listen to it through http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/?source=listenpage Yay! I’m super pumped!

    • love her!!! i saw her in philly last year

      • JEALOUS!

  14. Oh no! I think I’m being moderated! I was trying to tell everyone Laura Marling will be on Absolute Radio in the next 3 hours. Google it!

  15. -The Hubby: let’s make a monster sandwich
    Me: huh? oh! I got it
    The Hubby: a “bella sandwich”
    Me: yes, that may have crossed their minds-

    Get on this, Subway! I want a five dollar foot long monster sandwich, STAT!

  16. Dear Dameironfury,
    I think I may love you forever for bringing up the Taylor = Fez comparison cause I’m a Fez too! I’m taking this as a sign….a good sign, Love the letter! <3 Me!

    Dear Taylor,
    This is the 7659 th time that I have been given a sign that we are meant to be friends. Get with the program dude! Dont leave me hanging with the froyo. <3 Me!

    • Thanks for the love! I’ll never be able to look at Taylor or Fez again without thinking of the other.

  17. When I first read this ” I drug him to the premiere of both movies with me, ” my brain thought…whoa she WAS desperate…she drugged her husband!!! Yeah that’s me….and my brain…. :)

    • Well, that’s one way to get someone into a Twi movie! Just make sure the drugs wear off before the movie starts.

      • LOL..not really..if you think about it..better he is sleeping while I am gasping/drooling/makinganassofmyself during the movie whenever Edward is on screen!!..then you could “wake: him towards the ending and convince him he loved it….not that my hubs would EVAR go to the movies in the first place…for ANY movie…

  18. DIF you did it once again.
    GREAT JOB!!!!

  19. I dream of the day my husband tells me he watched a Twi-related clip, says a wisecrack like ‘monster sandwich,’ or ‘on guard dog boy!’

    I’m still a silent Twi-fan at home.

    Some day I will break him. Some day….
    :) Loved the post

  20. Has anyone ever heard of a DVD called Twilight in Forks Documentary???

    Also there is a coupon available for New Moon: here is the link:
    http://www.redplum.com/pages/ViewArticle.aspx?articleId=3682

    • I think it’s an extra on one of the NM DVDs.

      Sleep tight.

  21. FYI…I just Binged Twilight in Forks DVD and I guess they don’t make enough money off of all the REAL twilight movies so now they are selling a single DVD documenting everything you always wanted to know about the real town of Forks..okay and we would want to buy this why???? Set to be released and available on pre order the same day as New Moon….

  22. Alas, Leah will be wearing a tank top in Eclipse. Your hubby will just have to use his imagination. :)

    BTW, has anyone seen this? I think it’s awesome! (prolly ’cause I love Lady Gaga… AND Twilight!) OMG! *head explodes*


    :)

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