Dear Stephenie Meyer,
Hey Arizona! It’s been awhile. I know, I know. But I’ll be honest the hype of New Moon has died down majorly. David Slade & Summit have refused to release any Eclipse info until after Remember Me is released (or so we can assume) Although David Slade quite possibly redeemed himself with what looks to maybe be a leg hitch picture, but still. We’re bored. But not without ideas- no, no. Those are ever-flowing. It’s just hard to write fan fic about Buttcrack Santa and Harry Clearwater coming back from the dead as zombies, adding one more mythical creature to the mix in Forks. But I’m working on it!
Anyway, longtime LTT reader, Jet, emailed us a few weeks back asking some really important questions about New Moon and the Twilight saga that haven’t been asked before. Ya know, like along the same lines about what happens when Bella gets her period, but better. I consider myself quite the Twilight saga expert, but even I didn’t know how to write her back. I thought I’d ask you today, as well as ask you about other questions that were sent to us via the tweets:
Did Oregano watch New Moon? And if he did, then how many times did he puke like Mike or throw tomatoes at the screen?
Do you know, Steph? Are you still close with Cathy Hardi? Can you ask her? I have a feeling she’s been stalking poor Oregano ever since she heard about he & Kristen’s split. Poor guy. (Hey- *brilliant thought* was SHE the reason for the KStew/Oregano split? Where has he been? IS he throwing back Ultimate Margs at 5pm on Monday, Tuesday AND Thursdays at the TGIFridays with the Cougar?)
What happens to female vampires who weren’t able to “do it” before they were turned? Will they be like that Jessica character from True Blood? Will “it” keep on growing back?
I had no idea what Jet was talking about here, so I consulted my True Blood expert and my expert on “it,” Moon, and asked:
UC: Does she mean the hyman?
UC: Sorry. I never had it long enough to learn how to spell it
UC: Hey! I fell on a fence post when I was 7!
Moon: Ouch. Yes in True Blood Jessica is a virgin when she’s turned so it’s like her first time EVERY TIME she has sexy
UC: Realllllyy? Do you think that means Edward explodes in 3 seconds every time he does it?
We never hear much about Jasper and Alice’s “experiences” in the books. Is it because of this very thing? Was Alice never deflowered before she was turned? I’m only assuming of course. ‘Cause, come to think of it, who would do it with her when she was trapped in the asylum…..
I know: Chase Crawford, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Jared Followhill etec. etc.
Is Harry Clearwater the new Buttcrack Santa? Will his Kung Fu still be strong even after death? Who will make fish fry for Charlie now?
Seriously. Charlie can’t be without his fish fry. You heard Bella. There’s only enough fish for the next 3 years in the freezer. He needs ALL of that fried. He NEEDS to die an early death from clogged arteries. Otherwise he’s gonna get REALLY suspicious when his 55 year daughter still looks like an 18 year old and he won’t understand why his 7 year old granddaughter is making out with her “older brother figure” on La Push Beach. GET CHARLIE FISH FRY!
Then I asked myself: Is is possible there are Twilight fans out there that don’t immediately think of sexual things when the “What questions do you have about New Moon’ is asked?
No. No it’s not..
After the jump, see what I mean and enjoy as I take a crack at answering some of the questions
Does Edward use his mind reading powers to spy on the others for sex advice? -JodeiO
I bet. And if he does, do you think Emmett knows this and exploits it. He thinks “Ooh.. I love when girls get turned out when you play with their fatty spots. They love to have it pinched, squeezed and wobbled around. Too bad Rose doesn’t have any fat. Edward is lucky- Bella is gonna love when he asks her to make her underarm skin flap to the beat of a song.. Mmm hmm”
What team is Demetri really batting for?? -_lindelle
Easy. The same side Caius is on. They don’t get excited when Heidi gets back from ‘fishing’ like the rest of the guys…
I always wonder if Bella ever pleasures herself…which is weird. -Chloes_Tweets
Um not weird. Have you seen Edward? And he refuses to let her have him? Yes. The answer is yes. I mean my version of Bella. In Stephanie Meyer’s version of Bella- probably not!
Why don’t vampires use their strength/powers to fight crime? And why don’t any of the Cullens have jobs besides Carlisle? Lazy… Furthermore, Carlisle has been a doctor for nearly 300 years….how has he not found a cure for cancer?….or herpes… -Krystle_eWe
Do the cullens actually realize that they are all living in a completely different house, even though they haven’t moved? -Laxplays
Why cliff diving, Bella? Why not extreme salmon fishing? Extreme jorts sewing? -_lindelle
Why didn’t she learn to fry fish- All that oil? That’s dangerous.
Do the wolves do it doggy style outside or wait until they are back to human form before performing sexual activities? -Laxplays
Do you mean together? Don’t tell Caius and Demetri. They’ll get over their aversion to wolves….
Why doesn’t Rosalie pose for Playboy? Why does everyone hate her so much? (Why did I just imagine that Heidi Pratt was Rosalie? Why don’t I have any brain bleach? Why doesn’t someone patent that? -antisocialangel
Did the thing that caused the tear on Ed’s shirt also cause the wonky nipple? -Xylem108
Why did Edward have such a shitty phone when Rose calls him to tell him Bella did us all a favor and off-ed herself? -MrsLondonLove
Do you think Edward’s shitty phone had some sort of electrical explosion caused the rip in her shirt and THEN the wonky nipple?
So when the wolves transform, do they mark their territory by lifting their legs & taking dumps outside? -Laxplays
If Alice had turned Bella while on the plane, are air marshalls trained for that kind of in-flight emergency? -suzspetals
Why didn’t Jasper attack Bella in the ballet studio when she was bleeding everywhere but freaked at one drop of blood in NM?! -Krystle_eWe
Shh- don’t ask that! You just ruined the entire story! Steph thought no one noticed (I didn’t… too busy thinking of sexual things and googling how to spell “hymen”)
When Sam walks out the forest holding bella, wearing only his jorts, why the hell does Charlie not shout rape?! -Laxplays
And why doesn’t Taylor yell “I WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR THIS BODY AND YOU ATE CHEESESTEAKS FOR YOURS!?”
Seriously. Steph? Please? You read our site this summer. I know you want to again. Or you still do because you’re as bored as us. Out of ALL the things- the blood, the sex, the hymens, the not-s0-skinny jortpack- can you just answer us why Emmett is holding eggs? Are they needed in Harry’s Famous Fish Fry? Is he practicing so he can step in and help Charlie make them once Harry dies a year later? Is he thinking about sexual things you can do with eggs to trick Edward? Are eggs what he has stuffed in his underwear for his Calvin Klein ad campaign?
Help us Steph! These are the IMPORTANT questions about the Twilight saga!
Thanks to everyone who asked questions including all the amazing ones I didn’t post! If you want to read them all- search for @letter2twilight in twitter search and read the most recent tweets to us! (Ignore the mean ones. That’s just from TammyO and her entire family…)
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Filed under: Bella, Buttcrack Santa, Edward, Emmett, Stephenie Meyer, Twilight, Twilight Series Books Tagged: | bella swan, buttcrack santa, Caius, Demetri, edward cullen, Emmett Cullen, Harry Clearwater, New Moon, Questions about new Moon, questions about Twilight, stephanie meyer, the twilight saga, the volturi, true blood, Twilight