The Important questions about New Moon

Edward's favorite tampon brand

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Hey Arizona! It’s been awhile. I know, I know. But I’ll be honest the hype of New Moon has died down majorly. David Slade & Summit have refused to release any Eclipse info until after Remember Me is released (or so we can assume) Although David Slade quite possibly redeemed himself with what looks to maybe be a leg hitch picture, but still. We’re bored. But not without ideas- no, no. Those are ever-flowing. It’s just hard to write fan fic about Buttcrack Santa and Harry Clearwater coming back from the dead as zombies, adding one more mythical creature to the mix in Forks. But I’m working on it!

Anyway, longtime LTT reader, Jet, emailed us a few weeks back asking some really important questions about New Moon and the Twilight saga that haven’t been asked before. Ya know, like along the same lines about what happens when Bella gets her period, but better. I consider myself quite the Twilight saga expert, but even I didn’t know how to write her back. I thought I’d ask you today, as well as ask you about other questions that were sent to us via the tweets:

Did Oregano watch New Moon? And if he did, then how many times did he puke like Mike or throw tomatoes at the screen?

Do you know, Steph? Are you still close with Cathy Hardi? Can you ask her? I have a feeling she’s been stalking poor Oregano ever since she heard about he & Kristen’s split. Poor guy. (Hey- *brilliant thought* was SHE the reason for the KStew/Oregano split? Where has he been? IS he throwing back Ultimate Margs at 5pm on Monday, Tuesday AND Thursdays at the TGIFridays with the Cougar?)

What happens to female vampires who weren’t able to “do it” before they were turned? Will they be like that Jessica character from True Blood? Will “it” keep on growing back?

I had no idea what Jet was talking about here, so I consulted my True Blood expert and my expert on “it,” Moon, and asked:

UC: Does she mean the hyman?
Moon: Hymen
UC: Sorry. I never had it long enough to learn how to spell it
Moon: Slut
UC: Hey! I fell on a fence post when I was 7!
Moon: Ouch. Yes in True Blood Jessica is a virgin when she’s turned so it’s like her first time EVERY TIME she has sexy
UC: Realllllyy? Do you think that means Edward explodes in 3 seconds every time he does it?

Jet continued:

We never hear much about Jasper and Alice’s “experiences” in the books. Is it because of this very thing? Was Alice never deflowered before she was turned? I’m only assuming of course. ‘Cause, come to think of it, who would do it with her when she was trapped in the asylum…..

I know: Chase Crawford, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Jared Followhill etec. etc.

Is Harry Clearwater the new Buttcrack Santa? Will his Kung Fu still be strong even after death? Who will make fish fry for Charlie now?

Seriously. Charlie can’t be without his fish fry. You heard Bella. There’s only enough fish for the next 3 years in the freezer. He needs ALL of that fried. He NEEDS to die an early death from clogged arteries. Otherwise he’s gonna get REALLY suspicious when his 55 year daughter still looks like an 18 year old and he won’t understand why his 7 year old granddaughter is making out with her “older brother figure” on La Push Beach. GET CHARLIE FISH FRY!

Then I asked myself: Is is possible there are Twilight fans out there that don’t immediately think of sexual things when the “What questions do you have about New Moon’ is asked?

No. No it’s not..

After the jump, see what I mean and enjoy as I take a crack at answering some of the questions

Does Edward use his mind reading powers to spy on the others for sex advice? -JodeiO

I bet. And if he does, do you think Emmett knows this and exploits it. He thinks “Ooh.. I love when girls get turned out when you play with their fatty spots. They love to have it pinched, squeezed and wobbled around. Too bad Rose doesn’t have any fat. Edward is lucky- Bella is gonna love when he asks her to make her underarm skin flap to the beat of a song.. Mmm hmm”

Friends? Or Lovahs?

What team is Demetri really batting for?? -_lindelle

Easy. The same side Caius is on. They don’t get excited when Heidi gets back from ‘fishing’ like the rest of the guys…

I always wonder if Bella ever pleasures herself…which is weird. -Chloes_Tweets

Um not weird. Have you seen Edward? And he refuses to let her have him? Yes. The answer is yes. I mean my version of Bella. In Stephanie Meyer’s version of Bella- probably not!

Why don’t vampires use their strength/powers to fight crime? And why don’t any of the Cullens have jobs besides Carlisle? Lazy… Furthermore, Carlisle has been a doctor for nearly 300 years….how has he not found a cure for cancer?….or herpes… -Krystle_eWe

Do the cullens actually realize that they are all living in a completely different house, even though they haven’t moved? -Laxplays

Why cliff diving, Bella? Why not extreme salmon fishing? Extreme jorts sewing? -_lindelle

Why didn’t she learn to fry fish- All that oil? That’s dangerous.

Do the wolves do it doggy style outside or wait until they are back to human form before performing sexual activities? -Laxplays

Do you mean together? Don’t tell Caius and Demetri. They’ll get over their aversion to wolves….

Why doesn’t Rosalie pose for Playboy? Why does everyone hate her so much? (Why did I just imagine that Heidi Pratt was Rosalie? Why don’t I have any brain bleach? Why doesn’t someone patent that? -antisocialangel

Rip caused by explosion during fish fry making?


Did the thing that caused the tear on Ed’s shirt also cause the wonky nipple? -Xylem108

Why did Edward have such a shitty phone when Rose calls him to tell him Bella did us all a favor and off-ed herself? -MrsLondonLove

Do you think Edward’s shitty phone had some sort of electrical explosion caused the rip in her shirt and THEN the wonky nipple?

So when the wolves transform, do they mark their territory by lifting their legs & taking dumps outside? -Laxplays

If Alice had turned Bella while on the plane, are air marshalls trained for that kind of in-flight emergency? -suzspetals

Why didn’t Jasper attack Bella in the ballet studio when she was bleeding everywhere but freaked at one drop of blood in NM?! -Krystle_eWe

Shh- don’t ask that! You just ruined the entire story! Steph thought no one noticed (I didn’t… too busy thinking of sexual things and googling how to spell “hymen”)

When Sam walks out the forest holding bella, wearing only his jorts, why the hell does Charlie not shout rape?! -Laxplays

And why doesn’t Taylor yell “I WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR THIS BODY AND YOU ATE CHEESESTEAKS FOR YOURS!?”

wanna see my eggs?

Seriously. Steph? Please? You read our site this summer. I know you want to again. Or you still do because you’re as bored as us. Out of ALL the things- the blood, the sex, the hymens, the not-s0-skinny jortpack- can you just answer us why Emmett is holding eggs?  Are they needed in Harry’s Famous Fish Fry? Is he practicing so he can step in and help Charlie make them once Harry dies a year later? Is he thinking about sexual things you can do with eggs to trick Edward? Are eggs what he has stuffed in his underwear for his Calvin Klein ad campaign?

Help us Steph! These are the IMPORTANT questions about the Twilight saga!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to everyone who asked questions including all the amazing ones I didn’t post! If you want to read them all- search for @letter2twilight in twitter search and read the most recent tweets to us! (Ignore the mean ones. That’s just from TammyO and her entire family…)

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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188 Responses

  1. “Did Bella pleasure herself”?

    I don’t want to admit that I’ve wondered that myself. (But I guess I just did). Maybe she was too afraid Edward would appear in her room when she wasn’t expecting it and catch her. That would be awkward.

    But more importantly, did Edward pleasure himself?

    If the vampires have a super human sense of smell, can the Cullens tell when the others have had sex because they can smell it?
    Would they know when Bella was turned on by all of the non-sex they were having on Edward’s bed?

    • I feel like it’s not normal that I don’t think about these things! I feel like I should consider them!
      That is why I love this community. It makes weird things seem completely sane.

      • After you’ve read the books countless times, you do start to ponder the ridiculous and often times disgusting things.

        Like, how embarassing was it for Bella to be on Isle Esme for 2 weeks with someone who doesn’t use the bathroom? Could he hear her when she was “taking care of business”?

        • I have always wondered that myself, glad to know I’m not alone

        • That I did wonder.
          Then I was immediately freaked out with myself for thinking about it.

        • I always wonder about this! And about when she farts or has that “not-so-fresh” feeling….

          • I was wondering if the Vamps just got used to that after a century or so, & treat it all like we do with our pets…

    • Why yes… Edward would totally be able to smell when Bella was turned on, right? If not for the feromones, then… (I’m not even going to finish that thought.)

      • Hahahaha! We can only go so far, right? Before our fingers die on the keys and we just . . . can’t . . go there.

        I agree, though. I guess we’re supposed to believe Edward has selective smell or something. Or that Bella doesn’t have normal bodily functions.

        Perhaps her excessive blinking and stuttering and lip-biting requires so much neural activity she can’t spare synapses for anything else.

        Who am I kidding? Smeyer wouldn’t get that technical.

        It’s MAGIC, ok? Just . . . magic. Roll with it.

        • I have a theory. I think that Stephanie Meyer never expected to have a really famous book series. I think she expected to get Twilight published and sale a few thousand copies. That’s it.

          She never expected to have to explain the mechanics of anything to anyone.

          • I think your theory has teeth.

            Get it? Teeth? Fangs? I slay me.

            *self eye-roll*

    • The Cullen’s would totes be able to smell the smexy times! It makes things totally awkward when Charlie comes over with Sue…

      • You had to go there didn’t you!

        • Couldn’t help myself!!

    • There’s a FF that addresses that.

      :::facepalm:::: cant believe I typed that.

      • Link!

  2. That little exchange between you and moon was very entertaining. And actually helpful because I was confused about that question too.

    These questions are hilarious though! I never would have thought of them.
    Thanks for the laughs this morning!

  3. Okay. The fact that he is holding EGGS is sooooo effing weird! Plus they look like ones that have been hard-boiled and de-shelled. WEIRD!
    Emmett would TOTES make the reading minds thing to his advantage.

    • The Eggs mystery will never been solved. It keeps me up at night.

      • Ditto. This has been plaguing me for over a year now… I should probably just let it go… BUT I CAN’T!

        • I even searched google for an answer and the best answer I saw on Yahoo answers was that it was because Cathy H was on crack!

    • Are they really eggs? I held them for ping pong balls at first. I’m sure Emmett can think of a million silly games involving ping pong balls, like ‘crack the wall or crack the ball’ or ‘split the ball mid-air with vampire spit’.

      • He must be holding on to them for Rosalie. If they are eggs its so she can feel “human” (cuz remember, Bella goes apeshiz for eggs when she’s preggers and poor annoying Rosalie always wanted a baby). If they are ping pong balls its to further confuse Edward about the schmexytimes – imagine what Bella would do if Edward presented a bag of ping pong balls to her and asked her to….well, you know.

        • They look like eggs to me.
          I think he is planning on egging Edwards Volvo and Jasper is outside keeping watch while Emmett hatches a cunning plan!
          **hatches – eggs!!!!! OMG I crack me up! crack – hehehehe. okay I’ll stop now**

    • What is the implication of that counceling sign next to him? Is he contemplating it? Should we?

      • …and by ‘we’ I of course mean myself.

  4. I never noticed that Jasper indeed doesn’t have any problems in the ballet studio but then attacks Bella for a paper cut… how un-clever of me. And yes, now that the question has been raised, I want to know what’s going on. But I’d rather hear your theories. (*giggle –> yes, I still do that every time I use a Twiquote*)

    • yes! I never thought of that either! I guess it doesnt really make sense that he wouldnt try to kill her then!

    • THEORY: When one becomes a vamp, human qualities are amplified, right? Jasper was an excellent soldier and even helped Maria build a vamp army after he turned.
      So what if his crazy, Mel Gibson in ‘The Patriot’ war face was on once he got to the ballet studio and he was so into ripping James apart that that overcame the smell of Bella’s blood from across the studio (keep in mind that Edward was the only one with such an incredible, extraordinary thirst for Bella’s blood). Then, at the bday party, he was calm and relaxed and the sudden scent of blood caught him off guard and he freaked.

      As for the others who ‘quietly and calmly walked out of the room’, maybe they are better than Jazz at controlling their thirst and hiding their uncomfortableness, so it simply APPEARED that they weren’t as bothered by her blood.

      Just a thought.

      • makes sense. I was thinking the exact same thing. Also, when they were on their was to the ballet studio they were prepared for battle/blood. He could have just not breathed during the battle with James knowing that Bella’d probably be bleeding. The papercut was unexpected – he didn’t have time to turn the lungs off.

        • Ooh, that’s a good theory indeed! He just didn’t breathe in the ballet studio beforehand, but he was caught off guard at the birthday party… ok, mystery solved! Phew, our Twilight universe is internally consistent again.

      • loved your theory i bet even Steph didn’t think that
        otherwise “Shh- don’t ask that! You just ruined the entire story! Steph thought no one noticed”:D

      • LOVE IT!! Love the Patriot reference (probably my fav Mel Gibson movie EVER)! And love how much time and thought we all put into things like this. Not the only one – woo!!

      • Good point!! My faith in Twi is fully restored!

  5. If I was making out with, and getting leg hitched by, Edward and not getting any somethin’, somethin’, I’d HAVE to sort myself out. No question!

  6. I have always wondered about that warewolf thing. DO they mark their territory? Do they do it doggy style? If Leah gets pregnant while in wolf form is it a wolf baby or a human baby?

    Good post! And good answers to important questions we may never know the “real” answers to! ;-)

    • LOl i guess it would be half wolf- half human like Renesme.hope that ,not physically but just with transformer part. what if he would be a boy and his bottom part would be a wolf ?
      a 3rd kind

    • In BD Leah tells Jacob her periods have stopped since she became a wolf. Said nothing about coming into season though…

  7. What the hell? WHY IS HE HOLDING EGGS?

    How did I not notice this before? I’m a bad fan. BAD!

    And seriously. I still wanna know why Rosalie didn’t pose for Playboy.

    • I’ve never seen the Egg Picture.
      It’s quite likely the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.
      (not really)

      • Stranger than Kellan up the tree??

      • you can actually see him holding that bag of eggs in the cafeteria scene too. Soooo random!!!

      • Kellan’s bag of eggs
        mysterious metaphor
        wolfpack testicles?

        Sorry!

        • Okay, I upthumbed you, but I had to come back and tell you in words that THAT Twiku was amazing. You win the internets today.

          • Thanks, StotheP, it’s good to know my insane musings are appreciated.

        • bwahahahahaha!!!!

    • I haven’t seen the eggs pic, either. But after these questions I’m pretty sure he’s carrying them around to mess with Edward.

      “Dood, chicks DIG eggs. Turns them on. See, you take one, and you [finish this sentence as you will].”

      And then Edward buys Bella a chicken for her birthday, and she is aroused and then furious.

      And then Edward eats the head of the chicken.

      And then I get some more coffee, coz obviously I need it.

      • obviously.

      • I kinda love you.

        The “I’d have babies with you” kind of love.

        You totally make my kitty meow.

        (That sounds totally pervy.)

        (Imma post it anyway.)

        • I kinda love you back.

          The “I would chew our baby out of your belly” kind of love.

          Meow? Nay, PURR.

          (See your pervy, raise you downright disgusting.)

          (Posting against my better judgment.)

          • This little convo KILLED me. Please start writing books or television shows together.

          • You’re both sort of beautiful and that convo gave me the warm fuzzies.

    • Even weirder than the eggs is, why is he in all white? Who wears that much white in a rainy climate? Is he late to a cricket match?

      • Yes! Or maybe it was a shout-out to P. Diddy: “Hey, invite me to your all-white party! See? I’m WEARING ALL WHITE! I GET it!”

      • The Cullens are all wearing white/light cricket-match clothes in that scene, and Edward’s wearing dark clothes to emphasize that he’s “different”.

        • OH, he’s “different,” alright.

          Some might even say “special,” after the Bella-enters-the-lab-face.

  8. I missed the question round cause of a stoopid exam…boooo. So I’m gonna answer the questions with more questions…

    *Does Angela write Fan Fiction about Bella and Edward? Does she refer to them as Bellward or Edwella? Does she write slash fic for Yorkie and Mike? “I see the feature’s not dead after all” bow chicka wow wow….

    *Have any of the Cullen kids stopped in the middle of the horizontal mambo and said “OMG Imagine if we were really brother and sister…ewwww”?

    *How did Jacob know when to stand in the middle of the road? What if it was Charlie? What if it was an 18-wheeler? Such pretty roadkill…

    *Is it Jasper thats making Yorkie “think” he’s gay? Is it cause he’s jealous of the hair?

    *Does Edward have a “Stalker” playlist? Does listening to Sam’s “Barry White” Alpha voice make him all tingly?

    Questions on slash and incest….Good going Hamster. Imma ace my exam for sure…
    Morning!!!

    • Hahahaha! You crack me up, Illegal! I don’t blame Jasper at all. I’m jealous of Yorkie’s hair, too!

    • Edward’s iPod contains many of the songs that mix tape lady also added to her playlist. He likes to throw his earbuds in, listen to a little “I’ll Be Watching You,” and stalk Bella around Forks. It heightens the creepiness factor by at least 10. 20 if it’s also raining.

      • YES! No umbrella, collar popped not because the rain actually bothers him, but because he thinks it makes him look like James Dean.

        Standing under a tree across the road from Bella’s house. A lock of hair in one pea coat pocket. An egg in the other. Listening to “I’ll Be Watching You.” Bopping his head a bit.

    • PS- Didn’t they make a joke about that on Rifftrax? Something about, “Helllloooo doin’ your sister!”

      • YES! Hilarious!

      • Rifftrax are the best. Unfortunately I can’t watch Twilight now without hearing their voices in my head. It kind of kills the mood during Bella’s lullaby when all you can think is, “I want to chomp into your skull . . . “

        • Yes! And now when I see that scene I always picture the piano “Dracula (DIE DIE DIE) ” song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

    • Hey Illegal! I need your Twisdom on something. Do you know if anyone has tried to recreate the entire cast of The Twilight Saga as sock puppets?

      I’m nearly finished with version one of the sock puppet Wolf Pack (inc. soon to be patented ‘Socksplosion’ technology), & I was hoping that you & Fang & StP & Abs, & anyone on here really, might like to nip on a plane, come over & help me act out some scenarios…which could help us with some of the questions posed above.
      Then I’ll get working on the Cullens & soon I’ll have the Twilight Sock Puppet Company out on the road in a VW Rabbit.
      I’m aiming for a ‘I’m down with the kids’ socially relevant Vampomime stylee…where ‘THEY’RE NOT BEARS’ is the new ‘THEY’RE BEHIND YOU’.

      Whacha think?

      • I am speechless. But my fingers still work.

        You are a genius. Socksplosion tech, the Company in a Rabbit, Vampomime . . . my entire afternoon is now ruined as I ponder the amazingness of your skits.

        Brava, my friend. BRA.VA.

      • I seem to remember a sock puppet Twilight video, that SMeyer herself recommended on her website? Am I delusional, or did that exist?

        • Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! It’s true! Google told me so.
          Fame & fortune gone again….

          Still…mutter…mutter…travelling…niche market…Socksplosion…may still be onto something…ha…their wolf pack puppets won’t have TruTaylor abs (patent pending)…

          • I think it was just Twilight the first book, though. Still opportunity for New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn versions? Please?

          • Thank Carlisle! Speeds up sewing…

      • I go away for half a day (stoopid exam) and you’ve already created and lost one of the greatest ideas ever!!! You know what eff that! Ours will be EPIC!!! And yes When/If I come over in June I wish to be part of the sock puppet theatre….We can tackle so many other scenarios such as…

        “It was all a big mind f***. Jasper was playing with ALL of you”

        “How Charlie seduced Sue…I got a call about a very naughty laydaay…bow chicka wow wow”

        “What Edward found behind the dumpster” and my personal favourite

        “Jacob and Bella do it…they almost fade to black cause the power goes out because of the storm (mmmm wet Jacob) but they have a generator so its aaaaalllll good” I’m willing to work on the title.

        *hums while bedazzling Edward sock*
        <3

  9. The cheese steaks are great. I still wonder what woudl happen if Harry Potter met New Moon and Twight at the dawn of the dead. Kinda interesting. Aramagedden all over again. http://defutebol.net

    • Mr. Potter would whoop all their asses with his magic stick.

      Ron would shout “Bloody hell!” because he thought Cedric was dead.

      Hermione would bitch slap Bella.

      Voldemort would get pissed about the vampires having eternal life and kidnap one. He would force the kidnapped vampy to live in a hole in the ground and put lotion on its skin… or else it gets the hose again.

      • “Hermione would bitch slap Bella.” <– Truth.

      • Also, the Potterverse would demonstrate why Quidditch > vampire baseball.

      • WAY too true and way too funny!

        Hermione would totally hate Bella. But it would be one of those frenemies friendships, where once in a while they call truce and have coffee and complain about boys together. Mostly, however, Bella would go on and on about how her relationship is like something out of a Bronte novel whereas Hermione would give her the *real*, academic literary breakdown of Wuthering Heights as well as the reasons why sparkly, tree-climbing vampires can’t really exist based on the laws of science and how arithmancy and transfiguration are much more logical, scientifically-rooted supernatural practices.

      • Fang, will you stop with the comments on the effing lotion? You’re crippling me….

  10. [...] LTT [...]

    • *Grabs a cracker* *Adds a slice of spam*

      *Remembers spam is disgusting*

      • I like vienna sausages.

        • I have heard this about you. I get the Italian part, but don’t you find them a li’l on the small side?

          • I can fit a bunch in my mouth at once.

            I like that feeling.

          • Makes total sense. I much prefer the firecracker pickled sausages. With the dribbly juice.

          • Get a room, you two!

          • Jealous, SIK.

            I’ll eat Vienna sausages with you too.

            Worry not.

  11. Bwahahaha! What hilarious and crazy things lurk in these minds. Poor Steph, she must be thinking “What the fuck fudge have I started?”

    The Jasper wanting to nom Bella at the wrong time is a thing that bothered the first time I read the series. I mean, he was in an enclosed car with all fingerlicking smells for hours when he drove to Arizona. It wasn’t until I read the “The Dark Side of the Moon” which is Edward’s NM (hands down the best canon fic ever, maybe even than NM story wise) that I learned another potential reason for Jasper’s b-day party attack. According to this author, all of the Cullens were overdue for a hunting trip and therefore very thirsty. When the cut occurs, Jasper’s special ability unfortunately causes him to concentrate all of their thirst on him.

    It’s either that, or Jasper is just secretly a vampdouche.

    • Thank God for fanfic. I mean, really. Who else is going to right the wrongs of things that make no sense and turn a flashlight on over the fade to black?

      • Who else indeed. It enables us to be an efficient lemonary literary entity like the Borg.

        I know what your thinking, ‘she’s a Twihead AND a Trekkie?!’ Yeah, basically, I’m screwed and may have accidentally become Avatarded, cause BigBlueJake owns me right now. Hey, when are those fics gonna start?

        • Speaking of Star Trek or Star Wars, I explained to a male co-worker why Twilight gives all of us lady woods. I told him the saga “was like star wars/star trek for vaginas”.

        • i love you. that is all.

        • If you find any Avatarfics that address the little ‘fade to blue under the magic tree’ problem, lemme know. I did read on the official avatar site that they’ll be addressing it in the dvd extras.

          Don’t laugh at me. I know you secretly want to know about alien procreation too.

          • IKR!! I totally expected their hairy tails to come together and thought I was smarter than Cameron for figuring that out. Then I learned that they had to cut it to keep the PG13 rating. I’m like WTF?! we can look at Zoe’s micro boobies for three hours, but we can’t see thier tails come together? 

        • I still blame Q for taking the Enterprise to the Borg… uh, I mean…

          • I love Q!!!!

  12. “Do you think that means Edward explodes in 3 seconds every time he does it?” <– WIN!

    Here's the thing that I don't understand about vampire personalities/abilities. Clearly, they can adapt to situations and learn new things. Carlisle wasn't always good at controlling his blood lust, nor was Edward, but they learned. So, vampires CAN change in the service of self-improvement.

    What things can change and what things can't?

    It seems that Edward's sexual abilities could improve… of course, maybe he doesn't need to. As Bella says, he's good at everything… and you know there's no way he has never sneaked a peek into a mid-coitus mind.

    • “His sexual abilities could improve”
      Uh, yeah. The kid’s confused. Why did he start biting pillows in Breaking Dawn? Awk-ward.

      • Hahahaha… well, we know he at least hit the mark once… because of Renesmee and all…

    • So yes, I bet Edward would come in three seconds, plenty of time to distroy the bed and pillows.

      My questions are how does the Edward/Alice relationship work? Everytime someone in the “family” needs their alone time, Alice and Edward know. Everytime Bella decides to release “tension”, Alice knows and then Edward does too.

      Also, does Jasper feel Bella’s sexual frustration? Does that make him want to escort Alice away? Alice would see this coming, then Edward would know, and once again Bella has ruined another evening for everyone.

      I could not live in that house.

      • OMG, you uncovered “the trail”! Like in Friends, when Ross has to make sure the breaks the trail from the copy girl to Rachel.

      • You are so on to something here. I’m starting to think they just used her blood as an excuse for why they were uncomfortable around her.

  13. You know the old joke,
    Why do dogs lick their balls?
    -Because they can.

    Well, do the wolves lick their own balls when the have the opportunity….because they can?

    • That would be awkward. They’d have the thought “Hey, I’m bored… maybe I should just hang out in the woods and lick myself off.. ” and then they remember that the rest of the pack can hear their thoughts. AWKWARD!

      • Don’t you think it was awkward for Jacob to run around in front of Bella in his wolf form with his junk hangin’ down?

        • Nah, he’s got enough fur to take care of it. Of course if she came across him poo’ing in the woods that might be another story..

          • *Sighs* & gets a large plastic bag out of her pocket…

            And how often do they need worming? Can you use frontline on them?

            And, most importantly, does the wolf pack have dog breath?

          • BeakerJorts, I heart you very hard.

            A large size, extra-heavy-duty trash bag.

          • DOG BREATH! FRONTLINE!

            AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

          • now we REALLY know what Taycob was carrying around in those little baggies.

          • *snort*

            Abs . . . that was . . . wow.

            I <3 you, truly.

          • I don’t know about where you live, but around here it’s illegal to not scoop after the poop.

    • only Quil.

      • Hahahahahaha! <3 you.

      • poor Quil. haha

      • Whahaha!
        Oh Quil…you need an appreciation day, asap.

      • and whose leg do they hump?

  14. Today’s post is a gem! It makes me sadpanda that none of my RL friends “get it”. I FAIL at taking their twi-virginity off them.

    • I emailed the leaked Eclipse pics to a few of my friends, they didn’t even look at them! This is why I need you guys a lot!

      • I have had to stop mentioning it as they’ve all had a “conversation” aka ripped the piss out of my acute fondness without me. Died of first hand embarassment RIGHT THERE when I found out. They don’t know what treasures they’re missing out on,
        Sucks to be them! So Nerh!!

      • I did the same thing but I showed them to a twi-friend who is anti-kstew so she was not as excited as me.

        It’s refreshing to come to this site everyday and know other ladies out there get the “inside jokes”. You have to watch Twilight 20+ times to appreciate Buttcrack Santa and Arizona and you have to read the books multiple times to understand how pissed one can get that Angela is with Yorkie and not Ben and Bella didn’t wear the damn khaki skirt in the movie.

        Seriously….the newborn vamps better be sniffing on the highly mentioned red blouse in Eclipse or it’s “gonna get very ugly”.

        • Get your pitchforks ready! At least they have given us the gold bedding so far.

  15. I go on vacation and come back to find out that I missed Haiku day. Sad Panda. That is all.

    • Ev’ry day,
      Is haiku day, on
      LTT

      • i’m considering logging into another browser just to give you TWO thumbs ups

  16. extreme jorts sewing. this made me laugh entirely too loudly in an office. people were asking me “what’s so funny?”. i could not tell them.

  17. Why did Edward have such a shitty phone when Rose calls him to tell him Bella did us all a favor and off-ed herself? -MrsLondonLove

    You mean the jitterbug phone?

  18. Why did Edward have such a shitty phone when Rose calls him to tell him Bella did us all a favor and off-ed herself? -MrsLondonLove

    You mean the jitterbug phone?

    • I know right. Nice ass house and clothes and bad ass cars and he had a flip phone from 2002? I picture them all with blackberrys and iphones. And I swear they constantly mention phones vibrating in the book…why don’t they leave the ringer on? I wonder what their ring tones would be? Edward would probably have some boring classical ringtone.

      • I disagree.

        I think his ringtone is “Shake Ya Ass” by Mystikal.

        • You are so right, as usual.

          Whaddya think his ringtone for Bella is?

          “Lollipop” by Lil Wayne, maybe?

      • Debusse

      • MC Hammer – U can’t touch this.

        • Bwhahahaha!!

        • Alice, I kid you not I wrote the exact same thing and then someone came over to my computer so I came off the page (in case I was, y’know, fired or something) and didn’t post it. We seem to have the same brain a lot!

          • You’re amazing. So I believe you!

      • After today’s questions I’m thinking Bella’s ringtone is the Divinyls “I touch Myself”

  19. hahahaha! Oh man these are great! LOVE the questions.

    The shirt tear and the wonky nipple made me LOL twice and yes, I think it was the shitty cell phone. You aren’t suppose to hold those things close to any unmentionable body parts.

    UC – I hear ya girl….middle bar on a bicycle here…ouch indeed. ;)

    • *blushing* Awww thanks. That reunion kiss was so bland that this is what I was thinking about during that inch by inch extreme close-up of shoulders segment.

  20. “Do you mean together? Don’t tell Caius and Demetri. They’ll get over their aversion to wolves….”

    just.. precious!! LOL

  21. Way to go UC,…Seriously depressed now…I thought I was getting better, but after reading todays post, it is apparent that I am not….I really am still brain damaged as I never thought of ANY of these questions..oh wait..one..I have brought the whole drop of blood thing with Jasper up tons of times…but other than that not once did I ponder for even a second about the others??? Like Bella I must ask..”Is there something wrong with me?” that these questions never occurred to me? I am a very sad puppy now….. :( and not worthy of posting on this site… :(

    • Well now you are just talking crazy. I never thought of most of these questions, either!

      HUGS!

      Miss you!

    • Okay so YOU thought of the one thing that NONE OF US non brain-damaged people did. I happen to think that means you’re the smartest out of all of us. and probably the least perverted too :):)

      XO

    • Psh. You are so worthy, MidCyn.

      Just consider this place a thinktank. A collective mind dedicated to revealing and solving all Twi mysteries.

      Twilight. Thinktank. ‘S all I’m sayin’ . . .

      • Ah yes. What a thinktank we have here. If only we could use our powers for good instead of just hoping “Twilosophy” becomes a category on Teen Jeopardy and we could sweep.

    • I just want to second (or third?) that I too never thought of any of those questions when reading the books. So don’t feel left out or any lesser of a fan!

      I guess I am Edwardian in the sense that I just can’t bring myself to thinking about Bella’s body fluids or Edward’s sexual education…

      In my mind Stephanie explained just enough and I never questioned it! (I am an obedient fan, aren’t I?!!!)

      A toast to all of the “Edwardians” out there (aka fans who are prudish to Edward/Bella/turn of the century/Stephenie Meyer levels). Not including, of course, the occassional inappropriate/sexually-charged comments regarding Taylor and Rob. But those are so common around here, no one actually keeps track of those…right?

  22. Just saw, Walmart’s edition of the New Moon DVD will include a 7 minute Eclipse “sneak peek”.

    • OMG 7 minutes = 150 leg hitches + a short dry hump session.

  23. love love love u just Hillarious all of them

  24. It kinda looks like Kellan is *laying* said eggs in that photo…

    • “Yeah, they just pop out like that, and then I put them in this bag… !”

      • HA! That is hilarious. I wonder if he clucks?

        • Obviously. And now LTT has solved the ancient dilemma of the chicken and the egg: the Kellan.

          • So . . . what you’re saying is . . . Kellan came first. Right? That’s what you’re saying?

            Thought so.

          • yep. That’s what she=me said.

  25. to me the most basic question was “what happens when Bella gets her period” and of course the jasper-paper cut thing
    but i love that too”But more importantly, did Edward pleasure himself?”

  26. I can’t seem to get past the tampon picture. Who’s idea was that? Ew…

    • Yes, why was the tampon ad not addressed properly? So many new questions based on that ad alone… Like, what was O.B.’s marketing department thinking?

      • Wasn’t there a long discussion of “Vampax” a few months ago? Super heavy-duty, so your vampire boyfriend won’t know!

  27. “Realllllyy? Do you think that means Edward explodes in 3 seconds every time he does it?”

    The funniest thing I’ve read for days! Thank you :D

  28. Holy crap y’all are funny.

    I have missed being regularly here and I have to say coming back today was right on cue. I snorted cajun spices up my nose from laughing. Burns but worth it.

  29. I’ve always wondered why the Cullens don’t play hockey. Would be very interesting..

  30. I have some dumb questions:

    •why doesn’t Bella use a car seat for Renesmee? Charlie’s a cop and should give her a “safe parenting” pamphlet.

    •How much Rainer is Charlie drinking that he doesn’t question why Edward never eats when he comes over during dinnertime every night?

    • why is Bella never concerned with morning breath?

    •when the Cullens are pulled out of school on sunny days to do “outdoor” things, aren’t people suspicious that they never get a hint of a sunburn/ tan? Sunscreen is good, but it’s not a sweater.

    • does Bella throw her used tampon applicators in the Cullens trash, if she is over there while taking care of lady business? Most gals are concerned a toddler or dog will pull them out of the trash… much less a hungry vamp.

    • If Edward doesn’t “eat” anything, does that include oral?

    •How cold and hard is he really? Lots of lube for virgin Bella.

    • and I know I am beating this dead horse yet again, but why must Stephanie write about what they are wearing? Just stop Steph, it’s not good.

    • You know, I have spent way too much time pondering the mechanics of vamp-human sex to no avail…. I’m starting to understand why Stephenie chose the fade to black.

  31. Would someone (Steph?) kindly inform David Slade that I (we?) don’t give a hoohaa about Fur Bears?

    Please ta x

  32. Is it bad that I wonder about when Renesmee grows up if she is ever going to want to try things “full wolf”? I have no answer for this.

    Also, after Bella becomes a vampire and her and Edward are going at it all night long while the pond outside changes color, since they don’t get tired, do they never “finish”, like finish finish? Or are there just like 308934463 vampgasms?

    Also, which direction to vamp boners point? Or do they even get them since their entire bodies are hard all the time anyway?

    • Vampire Boners. So much to ponder. After they “finish”, does it go soft? Can they just keep getting erections continually or do they have to rest up? Would it hurt a vampire to be kneed in the groin?
      What’s wrong with me that I ponder these questions?

      • Nothing is wrong! I am just glad I am not alone in these wonderings!

        I don’t think it would hurt the vampire to be kneed in the groin, probably just the one doing said knee-ing…

    • Since you bring that up (TWSS), let’s think about vampire physiology a little bit: no blood = no engorgement = no boner. Maybe they are, indeed, hard all over all the time. Always ready to go, if you will. Also, the whole impregnating thing–they don’t have blood, tears, pee, ear-wax, belly-button lint, et.c, why would they have SPUNK, let alone viable sperm in said SPUNK. (I had to say that twice in honor of Rob’s nickname). I <3 pseudo-science.

      • I was thinking maybe they point straight down, and they have to do it standing upside down…well one of them is upside down at least…

        • that’s the truth behind vamps hanging from rafters – it has nothing to do with sleeping.

          • Hanging . . . like bats . . . HAHAHA.

      • Oh oh oh Stephanie Meyer wrote about the engorgement issue!

        http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/bd_faq.html

    • LOL, vampgasms and directional vampboners!! I wondered about the vampgasm issue too!

      • Oh, why aren’t you all here so we could go down the pub & really thrash this out?

        • Oh my gosh that would be the best!!!!!!!!! We could all wear tweed jackets, jorts and mullet/golden poodle wigs and discuss the serious questions in life while drinking lots of Ranier…We would be the coolest kids in the joint!

          We must orchestrate this gathering!

          • Am now making tweed jorts to wear to our ‘conference’. Much shindiggery ahoy!

        • I’m thinking we need to plan some sort of giant LTT gathering, and we all fly in from all over, and wear name tags with our fake names one them. Yes.

          • Oh yes. My BFF is a recent convert & lives in Fundon. I was thinking of persuading her to throw a New Moon DVD release party as she’s never seen it. We could even have a *supervised* creche for all the action figures…especially the multiple Edwards.

          • I will save up money for a ticket to “Fundon” just based on your comments today! And anytime you want to come to the US you know who to call! We will work on the TruTaylor patent. I will pick you up at the airport in fine finest pair of newly cut jorts – that’s how you will be able to recognize me.

            PS I feel kinda bad for your friend who didn’t see New Moon in the theaters and missed all the larger-than-life abs and wolf hotness on the big screen! That is truly a tragedy.

  33. I like the cut of your jorts!

    I’m gonna look into renting a venue where we can magnify that DVD up to epic proportions just for her…wonders is the Albert Hall is free that night? Or orchestrate a drive-in somewhere…in the woods…

    The TruTaylor patent is coming on well. Each sock puppet even has its own small knitted bag of beef patties.

    • As long as the bag of beef patties is held on with a black string…NOT a leather thong like Garrett uses to tie his hair back with. Yes, I have read Breaking Dawn that many times…

      I say we get a projector and show the movie on the side of a big building and we all sit around in jorts eating fish fry and hot dogs and mushroom ravioli. this could also work with your in the woods plan, like if we got a giant white sheet and tied it up to some trees and made our own big screen. We are such geniuses.

  34. I’ve never been a fan of the black string explanation that ensures the wolfpack’s ‘modesty’ is protected. How are they the only items that don’t get shredded during fursplosions? I can’t see them stopping to tye them on after with their teeth and paws, does Emily have to follow them around everwhere to do it for them(as well as all that cooking)? And are they really that modest anyway?

    This really, really irks me to an unreasonable degree for a normal person.

    • Me, too, why all the modesty? I liked Kstew’s and the Wolfpack’s explanation of that in the New Moon interviews, how there were little stashes of shoes and jorts in the bushes all over the forest.

      • Ok – I can go with that.

    • Totally. And like running through the bushes and trees wouldn’t rip it to shreds anyway! Ugh. Ugh, I say! Just sayin’ though, if I was a dude and I was as hot as those wolf boys, I would walk around naked all the time! Woof woof! People would be so distracted and preoccupied with thoughts and visions of those glorious images that there is no way they would even have time to think about whether or not there are BEARS in the woods.

      • And Bella would have know exactly how much Jacob ‘liked’ her.

  35. Oh reading today’s comments has made my day.
    That shizz was GOLD.
    So much to lol at.

  36. @ Krystle_eWe : “how has Carlisle not found a cure for cancer?….or herpes… ”

    Thats becoz He doesnt wants to get popular by discovering something, and then letting the world know that hez a vampire..
    or may be has already has created a cure for cancer. Thats why you dont get to see the term cancer mentioned anywhere in the movie..

  37. [...] The Important questions about New Moon Dear Stephenie Meyer, Hey Arizona! It’s been awhile. I know, I know. But I’ll be honest the hype of New [...] [...]

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