Taylor Lautner: It’s the final countdown

Dear Taylor,

I thought as the final countdown begins to your 18th birthday and the day when Chris Hansen finally gets off our back (5 days!) we’d kick off this weekend with two fan letters to you. Enjoy your last few days of protection from Cougars due to your age. If you thought it was bad when you were underage (grown woman giving you their panties to sign) just WAIT until you’re of age….

Love,
UC

Dear Legal in Georgia and New Zeland (in case you feel like promoting over here – thatswhatshesaid),

Stop looking so good, its contagious…I mean seriously….you’re making K-Stew look appealing…in a girl-crush-fake-lesbian way. And if you can do that…you are officially a GOD (apart from Peggy Sirota of course…)

You should seriously package that….I can see it now

“SIMPLY ILLEGAL” - All you need is Lautner

“Do you feel inadequate next to your illegally buff boyfriend? Then “Simply Illegal” is for you! Be the envy of boys AND girls when you enter the room. It will instantly make you look and feel better (in a “special hug” sort of way)..so go ahead, throw your head back and laugh….cause you’ve got a Lautner (and indecency charges on your hands)…and thats all you’ll need”

SIMPLY ILLEGALLust, Lawsuits, Lautner…

I’ll work pro-bono (thatswhatshesaid) as your personal assistant in this venture…I’m an expert neck sniffer….

Obsessed with you much?

Love,
Moi

p.s. K-Stew…I know you want to lick that sexy neck…especially that adam’s apple and the rise in his shoulder *need.air.* (i mean jaw porn much?)….but u made ur choice…deal with it…

One of the last letters about an underage Taylor EVER after the jump!

Sweet... gullible...

Dear Twilight,

I have seen an influx of side changers over the course of the past few months and I’m beginning to get worried about the sudden invasion of Team Jacob fans that have to come to his side. I’m not saying that I mind exactly but it’s starting to freak me out a little bit.

Jacob has been my favorite since La Push beach in Twilight. He was that sweet, gullible friend that you could charm the pants off to get what you wanted. He is the kind of friend that would forgive you regardless of how many times you held his hand, almost kissed him and then pushed him away for a guy who couldn’t make up his mind. Jacob is every girl’s fantasy guy. Admit it. You’d love a guy that you had no pressures around and to just be yourself. Not to mention the non-airbrushed abs and non-weird nipple. (Yes, we noticed your weird left nipple when you took your shirt off underneath the clock tower, Robward).

My issue with the huge switching teams deal is that it’s going to let Jacob down sooner or later. Everyone knows that the moment the tent scene takes place in Eclipse, we (not me, but all the original Team Edward fans) will go right back into Eddie C’s arms as though we’d never left him.

Click to read the proof of the rise of Team Jacob

I know for a fact that this trend has been on the rise since the release of New Moon. I have proof! My little unknown Fan Fiction Team Jacob story (Abandon) has had double the hits since the release of New Moon. I took a quick snapshot of my screen and right at Thursday, November 19th, the frenzy begins.

Not that I’m completely complaining about the readership. That’s the coolest thing that New Moon could have done for me (besides bringing me tons of scenes with Jacob shirtless). I’m just so worried that this fascination with Jacob will go away and I’ll be back to the minority again. It’s fun having my old Team Edward friends who now want to talk Jacob.

Hello to my new fans...

I know that it is only temporary and the fun will end soon enough for all the Team Jake fans out there, but for right now I guess the only thing to do is embrace this sudden fascination with the almost never was star of New Moon. I’m glad they let Taylor Lautner show off how fast he could bulk up for this role. I don’t think anyone else could have played his character that well.

So here’s to all the Team Jacob fans out there, old and new. I’m glad to have you on our side. The more, the merrier.

Elicia K.

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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60 Responses

  1. Wow in comparison to that funny letter my countdown sucks…

    • Your countdown rocks my socks. But then i might be biased.

  2. LOL!! Fabulous letters!!
    Well it’s only 4 days here :P
    And 3 till mine! Squee!!

    • Dear jayde, as fellow munchkins here in oz, how about getting together on 11/2 with a raucus chorus of ‘ding dong the witch is dead’ I memory of Chris hansen?

      Btw…..I hope you have a good excuse for being up in middle of the night blogging away, like insomia, walking the floorwitha baby, getting infrom the pub(not enough spelling mistakes for that), or my own personal reason- ‘what are you talking about? That’s normal.’

      • Haha it was only 11pm when this posted. I’m always up til midnight at least. I just can’t sleep any earlier!

  3. Completely random but since we’re talking about Tay I have a question? When is Valentine’s day released in your country? I start:

    Germany: 10th of February

    • Tay’s b’day here!
      All our movies are released on Thursdays in Oz.

      • What a great way to celebrate his b-day then…

    • Feb 12 in Canada.

    • feb 12

      • oops forgot to say “In the U.S.”

    • Feb 12 in Sweden (but I think they have a smaller premiere the day before..)

    • Is it really possible it’s going to be released in Germany first?

  4. [...] LTT: Taylor Lautner: It’s the official countdown [...]

  5. Great letters! Love the slogan for “Simply Illegal” – Lust, Lawsuits, Lautner. I think the fear of team switching in the second letter is a very justified fear. I mean, it only took me seeing Kellan in his Calvins to make me go get my Team Charlie tattoo crossed out in favor of Team Emmett. I’m fickle.

    I’m sure when New Moon comes out on DVD, I’ll remember my internal chanting of “Do it! Do it! Do it!” when Jacob and Bella are in the truck… and by then I won’t have Chris Hansen breathing down my neck, so I can fully appreciate it… sorry Edward. We’ll always have the books.

    • No more Team Charlie? You can play for more than one team, you know…

      • If it IS possible to bat for more than one team, I’d be batting for, like, twelve.

  6. Taylor should probably bulk up his security team in preparation for his birthday. Let the cougars descend.

  7. Loved the letters!

    Does “Simply Illegal” smell like pineapples? Imma bet it does. If it doesn’t, it should.

    I promise that you’ll never ever have to worry about me switching to Team Jacob.

    I just wanna bang the fangs (and Paulex). ;)

    • How did you know? I told you not to leak details before the big launch. Now put on your foil hat and get back in the basement! *mutters*

      p.s. Paulex should have his own “wallbanger” perfume j/s ;)

  8. Oh, and who else thinks of Gob Bluth when they think of the Final Countdown? Anyone?

    • They will be associated with each other, always and forever.

    • Always.

    • HAHAHA – YES! For me, it USED to be high school band performances and in the background of NBA games, but now it will always be Gob Bluth at his dubious worst.

      “Ca-CAW, Ca-CAW!”

  9. @tuesday who the heck is gob bluth?

    • He’s a character from a tv show called Arrested Development that’s not on anymore (but one of the best comedies ever). He was a magician and when he’d come out in front of an audience to do his magic, the song “The Final Countdown” would be playing.

      • Aaaa… Ok never heard of it unfortunately. But I def. heard of the song…
        p.s. when I googled him some weird stuff would come up

      • It is epic in it’s hilarity. He always sort of dances around whilst doing some tricks while that song is playing. It’s sort of an “I’m an awesome bad-ass” dance/pose, yet completely embarrassing and ridiculous at the same time. You have to see it. Here is but a sample

      • Good comedies never play in my country. Saaad face!

  10. We should create our very own perfume-line!!
    Cause “SIMPLY ILLEGAL” – All you need is Lautner sounds like it’s going to be sold a billion times to cougars…

    • I’d buy it. On express shipping, monthly. Yum.

      • Did you just confess being a cougar? lol…

        • 27 is not exactly cougarish, but I’d be good competition.

          • Thats def not cougarish. But he is sooo damn young it makes even me a cougar…

  11. The longhaired shot is great. The new Ozzy Osborn. You gotta love it. New Moon meets the prince of darkness-Ozzy Baby-kinda wild stuff. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • Is “Crazy Train” your favourite Ozzy song, Bobbygee?

    • You know, that wig totally looks like the Ozzy wig I wore for Halloween once.

      The only difference was the red underneath the black.

      Now if we could only see little Taytortot eat the head off of a dove…

  12. [...] ;   LTT ;   RAoR ;   Rmw ;   oh [...]

  13. Anybody wanna place bets on the increased number of sexy manips we will be seeing after Thursday? Personally, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a birthday photoshoot. In a birthday suit. *wiggles eyebrows*

    • I have smth planned but I am not going to reveal it until the 11th…
      I started couting down on the 2. so yeah… the finale is gonna be epic…

      • Def keep me informed. *circles calendar in red AGAIN*

        • You can keep track cause I am still couting down to the 11th… I started like on the 2nd and have 9 reasons to celebrate Tay’s b-day

  14. Ok, first things first – in that first pic at the top, Taylor is definitely giving the sex eyes. Just sayin’.

    Moving on…I’ve recently changed to Team Jake, but it has nothing to do with Taylor Lautner (though of course he didn’t hurt anything). He doesn’t look like Taylor in my head (though I sometimes wish he did lol). It actually started with Breaking Dawn & finally getting to understand his character better. So, don’t worry Elicia! I’m not going to abandon the Jake-ship when Eclipse comes around! I am dyyyying for that smokin’-hot kiss. KStew is one lucky b*tch.

    • I don’t think he is giving effective sex eyes in that pic. I have seen one where he is definitly a lot hotter and doing the impregnanting look…

    • Exactly…I said something similar below! All us Jake fans are dying for that kiss. If you all don’t remember *cough* how could you not? *cough* Go back and reread it, stat!

    • The Bella/Jake kiss in really just doesn’t do it for me. It says something like “his hot breath” and “urgency” and stuff. I just imagine him gettin’ all “Happy” and breathing real fast, and his “Hot breath” Getting all up your nose and eyes. And whet if he’d just had a spinach burrito before? What if he had BAD SMELLING hot breath? Or broccoli in his teeth? I’d imagine Edward kisses being better coz it’d be impossible (maybe) to get “a little mountain lion” stuck between his teeth.

      • Oh see now, I don’t agree. I thought the kiss was so hot because finally someone WAS getting “Happy”, so to speak. I couldn’t have taken the rejection that Edward kept giving Bella with all that pushing away and “calm down Bella” crap. I wanna man that’s hot and gonna grab me and KISS me dammit, not tell me to calm myself down. And I love the spinach burrito breath comment. That’s hysterical. Cos when I read Eclipse I kept thinking ew, Stephenie didn’t mention the packing or using of any toothbrushes on this little camping trip – I bet Bella had morning breath! So in conclusion, gotta love that Steph created two great guys, one that’s cold and hard for you (with NO mountain lion stuck between his teeth) to kiss and one hot, Happy, urgent boy (with no spinach burrito breath) for me. It’s all good! lol

        • Exactly! At least someone wanted and got some action in this flippin tease of a book…and hey, Bella didn’t complain after it was all said and done LOL How could she? She had never been kissed like that before (or since :P)

        • “I wanna man that’s hot and gonna grab me and KISS me dammit, not tell me to calm myself down.”

          AMEN!!! LOL! You tell it, girl!

  15. E – shirtless manips – get on that.

    • Where? Where?

  16. Thanks UC for posting the letter. It sounds utterly juvenile and pathetic next to Elicia K.’s awesome one.
    I would like to clarify a few things in case people think I’ve fallen off the wagon.(What I would be doing on top of a wagon in the first place….)

    1) This was written before my BFF phase, hence the pervedom…I may or may not still feel the same way…Stick with may not, I will fight to the death defending it.

    2) The answer to “obsessed with you much?” is “no, not at all…maybe…sometimes…ok…yes”

    3) I am hoping that BFF is a closet LTT-er and likes the pathetic sales pitch. I really need the money…
    Morning everybody!
    The hamster feels weird

    • You are moi? The inventer of “Simply illegal” – All you need is Lautner?
      Then congratulations girl you rocked my world with your letter today!

    • Same thing happened to me, ILW. My letter was posted months after I wrote it. The intent was still the same, but let’s just say that in the time between sending and posting, my kung fu grew stronger (read: I lost my ENTIRE mind, not just a part of it.)
      I loved the pitch, though. You had me at secondhand fake-lesbian.

  17. Chiming in as a Jake fan….now why in the heck would the tent scene bring one back to team Edward…if you were to begin with? Hmmm…Don’t you know? Once you go BLACK you don’t go back! ;)

    And thank the lord for some decent FF out there! I recommend Coming Closer and Coming Full Circle if you want a good J/B read.

  18. Awesome letters! I’ve got to hand it to Smeyer, she really did give us plenty of mancandy from which to choose.

    I’m pretty sure “Simply Illegal” is a musk, potent with pheremones. Maybe some actual testosterone. A heady blend that will knock you out . . . or just knock you on your back.

    I’m going to leave you guys to pull hair (just not Taylor’s – mind the wig) over McWolfy. Fang and I are fixing to rock/paper/scissors this whole Edward/Paulex situation.

  19. With a letter being adressed to New Zealand (with a A!) and our general sluttiness for having a legal age of 17, it makes me feel gooood that my home country gets mentioned. For once. ;)

    Heehee, good one!!

    • lol I actually went back and checked to see if I had misspelled it. I said NZ in the letter, UC must have expanded it for those not in the know…eh…mistakes happen…. :)
      *In Edward voice* I googled it and the legal age in my home country ( Sri Lanka) is 16…I seem to be moving from one slutty country to another… ;)

  20. this post needs a theme song… so here you go. The Final Countdown – Europe (with lyrics)

  21. I love the countdown. Hardly any time left now. I’m actually from NZ, aka one of the legal at 16 countries and I have to say he can come to my country anytime even if its before his bday. lol

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