The Twilight cast takes on awards season!

Here to provide advice to the Twilight cast members about the upcoming awards season, CalliopeBlabs

Dear Twilight Saga Cast Members,

There’s always something sad about the end of the holidays. There’s this period of mourning when the holiday decorations start to come down, the leftovers make their way into the trashcan, and you discover that last piece of glitter hiding in that unmentionable place and hope its from when you dropped the container while making ornaments for charity and not from that midnight encounter in the back of the crowded bar while you were engaged in… questionable shenanigans during the ball dropping. Yes, the end of the holidays is harsh. Sad. Depressing. I can only imagine how much this is affecting all of you… as I envision the holidays (and the time off) were especially dear to you this year. Especially you Stew, I know how you love Christmas so (#HolidayStewLivesOn).

But you see, the gods of Hollywood knew that the end of the Holiday season could prove detrimental to the well being of the faces of their industry. This is why, they invented… drum roll please… AWARDS SEASON. What better way to get the fabulous hunks of Hollywood to hop into a tanning booth to shed themselves of the pallid tone they’d acquired while secluded in the mountain ski resorts across the world. How else to insure that the starlets would do everything in their power to shed the ghastly 1 pound they put on while actually EATING over the holidays? Why… COMPETITION of course! NUMEROUS, LIVE, OVERLY DOCUMENTED, COMPETITIONS!!! And the competition isn’t even what makes awards season fabulous… no, no… it’s the horrible fashion faux pas, The embarrassing speeches, The scandalous dates, The hopeful catfights, The after party gossip,… all these things whose mere mention make me more excited than a teen wolf who imprints on someone his own age!

Now, though New Moon may not have been the most critically acclaimed movie this past year, it sure as hell did put a good dent in the Box office numbers for 2009… and that alone should allow you, dear TSCMs (aka Twilight Saga cast members… I’m in the mood for acronyms today), some good leeway in earning your way into the swag-bag pre-parties, The sizzling, boozefest afterparties, and, of course, the events themselves. Between the PCAs, CCAs, GGs, SAGs, BAFTAs, Grammys and of course the Oscars… there are a lot of Hollywood bigwig asses to be kissed there is a lot to know! I won’t bore you with my winner predictions or tease you with who I think will be best dressed on this year’s carpets (hint: it’s not you Ashley Greene) instead, I’d like to present you with a guide of sorts to all things awards… so that you understand where to go, what to wear , and who to bang who to approach to further your career.

Kristen voted "Bobby Long" 1,200 times

The PCAs (The People’s Choice Awards)

Aka the ones where you only the winners have to show up

These awards, dear TSCMs, are voted on by the people… you know… people like me. Or you. That’s right. I’m calling you out ROB and KRISTEN. I know what you’re thinking readers… “Rob and Kristen didn’t win”… and nope… they sure didn’t. And you know why? Because since they’d wrapped promotion on New Moon, those two had been sitting around, feeding each other In-N-Out, sipping Heinekens, and voting for other people. And you thought the only thing they knew how to do sneakily was each other… HAH! Know why the whole BritPack was on Isle of Wright for New Years? It wasn’t because they wanted company… no, no… it was because Rob and Kristen, in a last ditch effort, had practically set up a command central where everyone focused on voting for other people in their categories. This is how serious they were about NOT showing up to another awards show. I fear for MTVMAs… I do.

The CCAs (The Critic’s Choice Awards)

Aka the ones you most definitely should stay clear of

Dakota- showing the newbies how it's done

For some reason or another, the Critics HATE you guys. Well… most of you. Stewie, Sheen and Fanning… you guys would sorta be in the clear to go to this… as long as you do not mention the Saga AT ALL. Like, when a reporter asks if you are excited about Eclipse you simply look at them, dumbfounded, and say “you must have me mistaken with someone else… I’m Listen Hewart” and then run off. Like RUN. And Rob, for the love of the hot pocket, you are NOT to go near this event. In fact, I think you’d be well advised to bunker down in the UK for a good 2 days pre and post event just to be safe. They would spot you coming and literally EAT YOU ALIVE. Furthermore, it’s on VH1… if that doesn’t scream waste of your time… I don’t know what does.

Calliope REALLY educates the cast after the jump!

The Grammys (The Grammys)

Aka musicians hate feeling left out and need to prove you don’t have to dress well to be able to perform

Looking almost as good as when their clothes are off

Ashley Greene… this one has you written ALLL OVER IT. Girlfriend, you can go and find you a man… or two… or three. Just show up in one of your normal Red Carpet getups… you’ll look 10x better than anyone else… and wait for them to come to you. Maybe hire someone to walk

around behind you with those Sobe ads you just shot. If you can’t get there on your own merit, tag along with one of those Followill brothers… Tit for Tat right? You bring him to your gig, he brings you to his right? Then start making your rounds…. Cuz you’ve only just begun to flex your muscles. As for the rest of you? Don’t try and show up. You’ve all gone on too much about your love of music and playing music that if you DO show up to this, it’s just gonna look like a first-ditch effort to crossover. And Taylor, for the love of the meatpatties, do not… I REPEAT… DO NOT… show up and try to win back Taylor Swift. She’s moved on. She’s accepted your love of the dude. So should you.

THE SAGs (Screen Actors Guild Awards)

Aka the ones where you realize you shouldn’t have slept with half of Hollywood

The Twilight cast's one real chance

Nikki… I’d stay clear of this one. You know why. They know why. We ALL know why. In fact, if I were you I’d stay clear of the entire awards circuit… nay… the entire Hollywood scene. Hell, if I were you, I’d drop out completely from the saga, move to Crete, and commence life as one of those people who sells tackle on the coast… but, that’s neither here nor there. Kellan I’ve got this hankering you want to go to this one… and my advice would be to call up Anna. And beg. She’ll be at everyone of these shows for the most part. As for the rest of you… go to the Swag events, maybe the after parties. Maybe. However, wolf pack… do not… I repeat… do NOT show up for this stuff. No particular reason… just don’t.

The GGs (The Golden Globes)

Aka the one that makes you feel fat because you can’t squeeze between the chairs

Taylor… I know you are presenting… but I dearly hope you bring Thor along and not PappaLautner. Why you ask? Have you ever SEEN someone try to maneuver around those tables? Lindsay on her latest binge couldn’t squeeze through… I’d hate to know what sort of damage this would do to poor PappaLautner. Anna, be sure to smile big when you win and maybe give a little shout out to Christian Serratos… prove that you can be a human in the Twilight Saga and get attention without showing the goods for PETA in a blatant cry for attention. The rest of you… go to the after parites and get wasted. Have sex. Be crazy. The GGs are meant for that.

P.S. Taylor, if you show up to this one again with Kellan… I’m gonna start questioning things… both impeccably manscaped, both devilishly muscular, both a little too into fashion, both gazing longingly across isles at eachother… maybe there’s a reason Swiftner never worked it’s way past dinner and Mcolutz never moved further than grotesque, overdone public petting. Just Saying.

The BAFTAs (The British Acadamy of Film and Telivison Arts)

AKA the ones where Britain wants in on the action too

Does Tweed come in gray? It's my color

The only ones of you who should be contemplating going to this are those of you who are British or dating a Brit (no Ashley banging one of your Brit castmates does not constitute as dating a Brit) or extremely pale like the Brits (sorry TayTay). Of course, if you are nominated it’s also a good reason to show up (go Stewie!). Why you wonder? These people are British… they drink TEA in the middle of the day. They are SERIOUS. They wear TWEED. They go to COLD PLACES on Holiday. You do not just pop in here if you aren’t familiar with their British ways. Just ask Kristen… she’s been going through the BritPack initiation process since back in August. If you aren’t British and show up to the BAFTAs without a reason, well… dammit… you might as well spit in the queens face. You can blame Miley for the British disdain for Americans in unwelcomed British situations. I do. In fact, when in doubt, I always blame Miley.

The Oscars (The Academy Awards)

Aka the ones that are impossible to get into… unless you can get them ratings

I'm at the Oscars! I'm at the Oscars! Look at me, I'm at the Oscars!

True we’ve yet to hear official noms for the Oscars, but I’m gonna go for the safe bet and say… we don’t see any acting nods for New Moon.* Shocker I know. But… lucky for all of you, ratings are shit and I’m pretty sure the Academy would do anything for some of you to show. So besides Anna Kendrick, who clearly deserves a nom for best supporting actress (seriously… she kicked ass in Up In the Air), I’m advising that Rob, Kristen, and Dakota, should be the only ones of you to attempt to infiltrate the Oscars. I’m even a little wary of you going Rob… considering your inability to keep your giggly “I’m at the Oscars” face under control while you sat behind Rourke last year. Don’t deny it. We ALL saw it.

*There is always the slight chance that we see a best supporting actor nod for Graham Greene aka Harry Clearwater as his delivery of the line “my kung fu is strong” was perhaps one of the most poignant lines I’ve heard all movie season… I mean, as it stands, if someone whose Kung Fu

was so strong could fall in the face of evil, what hope, really, is there for the rest of us. Clearly… an epic foreshadowing of why such doom and gloom will surround Eclipse.

So there you have it TSCMs. These are my suggestions of places that would be acceptable for you to go during awards season. Heed my advice or don’t heed my advice… the decision is yours. But one things for certain, take full advantage of the fact that you are all HOT right now. It won’t last long. Just ask Lindsay.

Hearts,

Calli

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114 Responses

  1. Calli, Well done!

    Rob… considering your inability to keep your giggly “I’m at the Oscars” face under control while you sat behind Rourke last year. Don’t deny it. We ALL saw it.

    “I’m at the Oscars” *snicker*snicker*

    Bwahahahahahahah! *snort*

    • Actually I think Rob was giggly cause he thought it was cool that someone actually dressed/smelled worse than he did …

    • I totally went and watched Rob sitting behind Mickey Rourke so I could see him stifle his giggles :) He is soooo adorkable there!! And his manager Nick was completely blocked by Mickey while Stephenie was getting as much prime time action as Rob.

  2. Awww, there has to be at least one dumb awards show where they can all show up, no? The MTV movie awards? I’m curious to find out what else can come out of Rob’s pants… twss

    • oh they’ll definitely show up to awards shows that don’t matter but are seriously fun to watch and then question why you are watching them (aka… MTVMAs, MTVVMAs, TCAs, etc, etc) … but as far as “Awards Season” goes… they’ve yet to earn their stripes.

  3. “You can blame Miley for the British disdain for Americans in unwelcomed British situations. I do. In fact, when in doubt, I always blame Miley.”
    Ha!

    I love this entire letter.
    Calli, you’re amazing.

  4. Awesomesauce letter Calliope! Way to bring the funny!
    I have been inspired to write a letter of my own to the first of the Twi to grace the awards (Everyone rolls their eyes and cringe in unison…oh no not this crap again… :) )

    Dear Tay,
    Since you’re presenting at the Golden Globes, let me be a forward Ballerina and say, here are a few things you can do to make me happy. Any of the following will do…

    *Call out the Hollywood/ RL cougars and their pervy expectations by walking out to “Final Countdown” (Yes I know its not Ellen..dont fuss…just do it!)

    *Mention my name casually like “I’m so hot in Hollywood right now it should be…Illegal…” (insert wink and mouth ‘BFF’s forevah’ here)

    *Kiss someone! If Jamie Fox could do it with Halle Berry…you can too…with Leona Lewis (she’ll probably die but she asked for it…go ahead make that poor girl’s night…Iloveyouleona)

    *fursplode! FURSPLODE!!!!

    * Premier the “If its on the Isle of Wight…It cant be wrong” Robsten sex tape…or Eclipse…either way…*crosses fingers for sex tape*

    *Wear. a. black. suit. dont ask why…just do it kthanxbai

    Morning everybody! :D
    The hamster is a fail at lurking lol

    • You are such a naughty little classical dancer wannabe.

      Tsk, tsk.

      PS. I wish everyone would stop wishing for this sex tape. Can you imagine the awkwardness of Robsten in the sack?

      *shudders*

      I. Not. Want.

      PPS. Great letter, Calli. :)

      • Awwww…The awkwardness inspires me…and it’ll be mostly shoulder shots and cuts to Heinekens and empty hot pocket boxes (Cause it shows the fragility of life and a Robsten sex tape will be arty dammit!)
        Fur realz though…no idea why I even ask for it..its not like I’ll watch it…ok I will through my fingers… lol

        • You know I will too.

          I just don’t to want to have the option.
          ;)

      • Yes! Thank you for saying it. Most. awkward. sex. tape. ever.

        • I would (wouldn’t) watch a sex tape of the Robsten..ok maybe just for the first 2 secs (hours) if only to hear KStew yell (stutter) “Oh Rob, Imma so glad “yours” is warm, so dreading trying to act like Imma enjoying you in BD, I am REALLY gonna have to ACT to pull THAT off…(twss)…

          FORGIVE ME..I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY….GOING INTO HIDING REST OF THE DAY…I HAVE FINALLY FALLEN VICTIM TO THE CORRUPTION OF LTT! FACE PALM X 2

      • ILY. That is all. xD

        • Have we NOT gone over the awkwardness that would be any sex tape with Rob?! Socks. Capes. Yelling out bizarre phrases like “hey culligan man!” during climax. We DO NOT WANT a sex tape. It’ll ruin everything.

          • When you put it that way, I kind of want to watch it now.

    • Final countdown…seriously, I about pissed my pants. Calli must be hiding a RL job in the government, b/c no one outside Wash DC (unless in the govt or military) is that damn good at acronyms!

    • Dear Illegal –

      I’ll be crossing all my fingers and toes in hope of a truly grand FURSPLODE! Will you be on hand to ensure there are no jorts lurking nearby for when he reverse fursplodes (what is that called anyway??).

      • lol Skinplodes? that sounds like a symptom of a disease…Sorry about the jorts…I wont be able to cause a) I’m soooo faaarr awaaaaaay…and 3) Cause if I WAS around I am bound to protect his “virtue”…If Swifty hasnt seen it..none of us can either…but after Feb…It’s all fair game for you girl…teehee

        • That’s OK, I can swim from the future (already Thurs 14 here) across an ocean or 2 in order to start the de-virtuising process in prep. for Feb.

          Unless of course I get ‘distracted’ by BigDaddy…..

          • Ooooh…You’re from the future too? AWESOME!!! omg you can totally get to him before anyone else…Just try and put in a good word for me, focus on personality, we’ll err negotiate looks later ( not that it matters to friendship)…aaaand thats IF you do any talking in the first place… ;) ;)

          • Illegal – Of course I’ll put in a good word, after all you sound like a perfect #1 poster girl for under aged wolves looking to be …..’JUST FRIENDS’!?!?!? Oh, of course, it all starts with friendship, I forgot. I am such a bad fan.

          • What starts with friendship?…really…sigh…when will people learn that I’m not using this BFF-dom venture as a way of obtaining benefits :)…*shakes head in disappointment* “et tu SJ?” :(

          • *Sigh*

            Illegal – You’re really making me delve into the depths of my ‘predator/cougar/star poppet/unrealsitic expectations/wtf do I want,yearn,need’ mental plumbing. You don’t realise how many good men have been lost down there (J. Depp was never the same after leaving Jump St).

            But I totally back the purity of your mission – there will be no knives from this corner. Besides, the scamp totally needs a BFF to advise ……. even if only to sort out those damn pigeon toes.

          • U are hilar!!! :)
            Two questions cause I’m just an all-round fail…

            Pigeon toes? cooo?
            Big daddy? fur realz?

          • Noone this side of the treaty line is a fail! Never!

            1.Pigeon toed – you know that really irritating trying to look like a little girl, toes turned in pose that afflicts celebs, models. Definately not normal in male teens …. I find it particularly disturbing. Maybe it’s a real medical condition, you may have to be prepared to break some ankle bones, be strong.

            2.BigDaddy – you have to ask? Remember i know the future…. and the future is ……….

            OMG Illegal, he so needs a BFF.

      • Err…I stand like that sometimes…not on purpose and I get yelled at when I do…Gah! It’s like we’re twins or something…the nail biting, the gestures and now the stance? weeeeird…

        U and Big Daddy? zomg! Do u want us to be BFFs so I can help him transition to having u as his hawt step mom? Cause I’m totally ok with that…as long as u allow movie nights and permission to join family outings…

        He soooo needs a BFF…if only he could see that I’m perfect for the part…witty, talented and juuuust homely enough for us to remain platonic. All of the fun…none of the awkwardness…sigh

        • Oh noooo! I am not a home wrecker, how distressing.

          I was alluding to the fact that he needs an ongoing bootcamp BFF so that he doesn’t fulfil his genetic potential BigDaddy style- no matter how cuddly that is.

          I do like the idea of movie nights and family outings though… three doesn’t have to be a crowd, you may – just may, need a buffer friend to help you keep it platonic …………….. ‘specially as you’ve just realised your his twin.

          I bet you look good in grey. MWAHHH!

          OK- I Need to lie down now and recover from shock today of discovering that there are people out there who also think that Robsten make a nice background for the real star of Twilight.

    • ROTFLMAO!

      There!

      10BSJ, please?

      • “ROTFLMAO”? Thats IT? Are u kidding me? For that you get Jake…but you have to share…ner ner ner…
        Try. Harder.

      • ’10BSJ’

        What does this mean, for I am a fan of very little brain.

        • Its what Xy and I (Dr. Seuss all up in here) call Jake from the “Avatar” movie (clicky linky)…I could tell you what everything apart from B-lue and J-ake stand for but then I’ll have to kill you cause its just… its for the best… trust! :)

    • “Final Countdown” That is too funny and made my morning. Thanks IWL. :)

    • Now if that’s no announcement I don’t know what is. If Tay doesn’t follow your instructions it’s only for it’s bad. Srsly.

      • huh? double negative….confuse me

      • Huh?

        • Can I buy a vowel?

          • No. You ARE the weakest link. Good-bye!

          • Ho, plz. I still have two lifelines left!

          • Is that your final answer? The Banker is offering you $1 to shut up and go home. (PS we’ve now incorporated 4 game shows into this convo)

          • Survey says you are NOT smarter than a fifth grader. (Make that 6)

          • I’m sorry. We’re going to need that in the form of a question. We were looking for “WHAT is the survey says you are not smarter than a 5th grader.” Do not pass go, do not collect $200. (that’s 8, biotch! If we’re including monopoly)

          • Big bucks no whammies?

        • I meant that I didnt understand Bleriana’s comment because there were double negatives in it…. so i dont know what she means exactly?

          • Oh, we understood YOU.

          • Yeah, um, pretty sure a pronoun got screwed in there, too. Eh, comprehension is overrated, right?

          • Not if you want to succeed in the game of life, Pizz.

          • Psh. I got your showcase showdown. To the mothereffing dime.

            Remember to spay and neuter your ballerinas.

          • Saucy!

        • The password is: mantis

      • Imma need some Rosetta Stone for this . . .

        • Rosetta stone or a gibberish to English dictionary. Whatevs.

      • I meant:
        ‘if that’s not an announcement I don’t know what is.’
        Sorry but english is not my first language so I tend to make mistakes

        • English is my first language…but I make mistakes all the time anyway. :-)

          • As queen of screwing up things on LTT, I fully understand how hard it sometimes is to “catch” a mistake before you post…I don’t know of ANYONE who hasn’t either misread or incorrectly posted something…it happens (believe me I know) LOL…

        • btw: I was not trying to be mean or anything. It was actually a compliment. But since you didn’t get what I said you probably didn’t get that one either, right ?

          • sorry- I wasnt trying to be rude, I just was confused. Thanks for clarifying!

          • No big thing. Srsly. How were you supposed to know? I wouldn’t have even noticed my mistake if you weren’t commenting on it. But now that you did I got the chance to clarify. No big deal right?

          • I’m so late to the party its not even funny. What announcement did u mean Bleriana? *crosses fingers and hopes she’ll say “Oh him saying Illegal and professing his undying friendship/love/lust for you of course”* pwetty pwease? :)

          • I meant exactly that one!! It was so hilarious I almost chocked on my water…

    • @Illegal http://bit.ly/6QmYyb

      =D =D =D

    • “If its on the Isle of Wight…It cant be wrong”. Ok, this is my new motto! I want it on a t-shirt.

      • Take it from someone who has sent many holidays on the Isle of Wight. It’s all wrong…

      • As long as it’s not on the Isle of Mann

        Ah UK geography jokes. Classic.

        • OMG – I have also spent way too much time on that place – like 4 weeks. Have you seen their strange Nazi three legged symbol? It is very apt as homosexuality is still a crime on that hell hole.

          We do have some lovely places to visit in the UK – should anyone be coming over, I’ve heard Barnes is great.

  5. Oh, how I LOVE awards season! I’ve even been known to take a day off work to watch the Oscars (and others that I’ve recorded) because they are on at ludicrous a’clock here in the UK on a Sunday night.

    I want to see Anna kick ass at all the awards – I want to see the sense of smug satisfaction she should have after a win for being talented and dedicated and creating good art and proving you can do it without having to be all angsty and shit. Love her.

    Having said that I still think Stewie is BAMFtastic and one day I’d like to see her win something, but maybe not quite yet.

    And I want to see Rob at the BAFTA’s in a suit, looking all GQ. Just ’cause.

    Re: The BAFTA’s – everything you said there is correct and Miley is no longer welcome in our country any more.

    • We should get a group together for the red carpet at the BAFTA’s, if we know any of them are going to be there. (Sorry too much sugar fan girl explosion)

      I did that in my youth to see Kenneth Branagh – what was I thinking?

  6. “Kellan I’ve got this hankering you want to go to this one… and my advice would be to call up Anna. And beg.”

    Awesome post Calli! The whole thing was hilarious! Isn’t it kinda weird that the one with the most experience with award events is Dakota? She’s one of the youngest and still, she’s such an amazing actress!

    and illegalwolflover… “Call out the Hollywood/ RL cougars and their pervy expectations by walking out to “Final Countdown” “.

    I seriously pictured that and lol’ed. Can you imagine the look on people’s faces (at least the ones that know his birthdate) if he did that? Priceless, :P

    P.S.: I arrived at the US yesterday… it’s freezing cold and I love it!!!! ^^

    • EVERYONE knows his birthday (pssst! it’s February 18th right? I’m such an awesome fan!) especially Megan Fox…she’s just waiting to go “Crouching Cougar Praying Mantis” on his ass… :)

  7. If Rob gets rthe oscar nomination then this would really make some heads turn. all the way around like in the Exorcist. You gotta love it. Twught Light and New Moon cleaned up at the Peoples Choice awards. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • robbygee, this is very true. all the more reason why i’ve got my fingers crossed for you this awards season. good luck!

  8. Way to go Calliope! I have my hopes up for Bel Ami which sounds like a Serious Film that might actually get nominated for an award somewhere. Because I REALLY want to see Rob in a tux again, at ANY award scene.
    Aren’t there nominations for “Best Looking Drunk With Some Acting on his CV- Award”? Sundance?

  9. Great post Calliope! I love the captions under the pics, they just make it so much more….funny! I love your wit.

  10. Great letter! A couple of thoughts:

    “I REPEAT… DO NOT… show up and try to win back Taylor Swift. She’s moved on. She’s accepted your love of the dude. So should you.”
    – THANK GOD someone else is saying this now besides the voices in my head.

    “I mean, as it stands, if someone whose Kung Fu was so strong could fall in the face of evil, what hope, really, is there for the rest of us. ”
    – Deep words of truth!

  11. Dear Calli,

    Thank you for planting the Taylor/Kellan seed in my pervy little brain. The last time I mentioned Roblor I got mucho thumbs down. No matter, I’m over Roblor. So, how ’bout Kellor? Taylan? Maybe cougars aren’t the only ones counting down to February 11th. Maybe Kellan has found a new *purpose* in life. Eh?

    xoxo
    tuesday

    • uh-oh. i think i hear photoshop calling. dammit, tuesday! and here i have to go to work.

      • Do it! Do it! Do it!

      • I may not have enough cabbage for that abbage. xD

  12. Best ever, Calli. I mean, it was solid perfection, all the way down to the mention of Graham Greene and his strong kung fu, which failed him in the face of the flame-haired beauty.

    I mean…GRAHAM GREENE!
    Yes, you covered all the bases here. I salute you.

    p.s. It was kinda mean for you to refer to Anna as “the Twilight cast’s one real chance.” Yes, it’s completely true…but when you put it out there like that, it makes me feel badly for the rest of them. Especially Mike Welch.

  13. Calli is always brilliant. This letter did nothing but reinforce the fact. I agree with everything.
    You are indeed the Kung Fu awards show master.

    PS Guess who is also presenting at the GG’s….yup #HotAlex.

  14. Great letter Calli. I’m completely ready for awards season now. LET IT BEGIN!!!!!!!!

  15. I am embarassed to say, (not really) that I have watched more awards shows that are NOT the Oscars in the last year than ever before. Especially ones airing on MTV. Ok, maybe I am a little embarassed….

    Dude, Harry Clearwater TOTALLY deserves a shout out. When he collapsed in the forest, I was CRYING!

    • Me too! I used to be somewhat of a movie award snob…only watched the Oscars and maybe the Golden Globes. I don’t know what happened to me. Oh, right. Twilight happened!

      • EXACTLY.
        ;-)

      • Totally NORMAL!! Morning Ang! :)

        • Morning MidCyn! Sent you an e-mail earlier today. I pooped out online last night.

  16. Calli for pres!

    questionable shenanigans during the ball dropping. <—brill double entendre

    if someone whose Kung Fu was so strong could fall in the face of evil, what hope, really, is there for the rest of us. Clearly… an epic foreshadowing of why such doom and gloom will surround Eclipse <—WORD!

  17. Thanks so much Calli for getting us into the awards season mood!!

  18. I would like to win an award for actually reading ALL of this post…yes it took until 12 noon, but it was soooo good I HAD to read it…..now I need a nap with Blanket Eddie…..le sigh

  19. Can I say something unrelated (since I already commented on the actual post)? Yes?

    How LTT has affected my life:

    Last night I went to a hockey game. As the players were about to fight everyone was yelling “yah fight” “get him” ect. What did I yell? Thats right “Yah! Facepunch!”

    Thats normal.

    • wait what happened to my name? dang it. stupid wordpress. This is GriffsSayWhat. And now everyone knows my real name. :-/

      UC UPDATE- i took out your blog and real name before it was approved:):)

  20. I bow down to you that was as complete as it could get, love loved it I have tears streaming down my face with laughter. Pmsl at Nikki and Ashley nods you put together everything I have recently felt but would never have the talent to put it together like yourself, thank you for the funniest yet most acurate of reading in a long while.

  21. UC/Moon…I was just thinkin..(appreciate, it does not happen often) Why not host an LTT/LTR award show???
    I mean really…think about it…none of the rest of the cast like Mike Welch, Justin Chon, José Zúñiga, Sarah Clarke etc., ever get nominated for awards so we know they will show up and maybe even lure the rest of the cast if they know it is a “come as you are” deal!
    And oh the categories… such possiblities….for example:
    Most Memorable character: Why Buttcrack Santa of course!
    Worst Line in a Movie: (ok too many to decide-will have to vote)
    Anyway you get my drift right??

    • woah this is a really good idea Cind!!! I will go, help organize, back cupcakes in the shape of awards or whatever help is needed. Count me in! :-)

    • It’s the Minor Character Awards!

  22. I’m sorry this “letter” fell a little short for me. I’m all for poking fun at certain aspects of these guys…to an extent, but alluding to certain things which are probably not true isn’t necessarily funny or nice. I’ve been an avid lurker, periodic commentor…but I’m not sure if I’ll venture back anytime soon.

    • U no likey GayTay?

      • ooooh snap!

      • I love GayTay. Taylen might win out over RobStu.. The brawn against the scrawn!

        Ooohh.. I might have a killer idea for a gay porn script brewing right now..

    • Nikki Reed? is that you? i’m just playing… no hate.

    • I dunno . . . I think suggesting someone is having a torrid affair with either Taylor or Kellan is pretty damn nice. And the thought of the two crossing each other’s treaty lines while we heteromanip them is indeed funny as hell.

      • @StotheP-

        If you so chose to manip Kellen and TayTay, just whatever you do, don’t put a baby bump on one of them for the love of all that’s holy. I can’t take anymore creepy manips like that.

        • And no goddamn centaurs either. http://bit.ly/7V4tGH

  23. Calli you are HILARIOUS! I love awards season, but I feel like they’ve already “covered” it so much, I’m getting burnt out already!!!

    “I’m at the Oscars! I’m at the Oscars! Look at me, I’m at the Oscars!” bahahaha! (<—I'm seriously jealous, though, because I would DIE to be a stylist for that awards show)

    Anna Kendrick FTW!!!

  24. heeheeheee Calli you tickle me in all the right places. (that’s what she said). That was hilarious.

  25. Wow. I think my family is seriously old school award show-ist. I watch the oscars and the grammys and… that’s it. And apparently those aren’t even the good ones to watch. I’ve been missing out!

    Hilarious letter, Calliope! The most fun I’ve had all day.

  26. Thanks for all the Love peeps…

  27. Now I have seen everything!! Edward & Bella’s love story must be EPIC as it just appeared as a question on JEOPARDY!! Catergory: Literary Characters. Question: Edward & Bella get married in this 4th novel in the Twilight Saga? Who woulda thunk it??

    • The Seattle Times does a geography quiz at the end of every year. Here’s one of the Pacific Northwest questions:

      What Native American tribe does Jacob Black of the Twilight series belong too?

      I at least got that one right!

      • ahhhh! grammar fail! TO not TOO!

  28. Thank you for bringing it, Calli. Awesome letter! Got to it kinda late, because I actually had to do real WORK today (twss). Let’s not forget that though he wasn’t an original TSCM, Michael Sheen is definitely going to be getting awards! Maybe not this year, but you know, soon.

    The critics love him and Dakota–why don’t we make them the official Twilight ambassadors to the critics/haterdom? You know they’ll be at all these awards shows, and if they talk about Twilight, people will still think they’re geniuses!

  29. Brilliant post – very very funny :)

    One question:

    “These people are British… they drink TEA in the middle of the day…”

    Huh?

  30. I love you guys! “i always blame miley” Hilarious. Im english, and i love the idea americans have of us. Its funny

    • are you the most cultured person EVEr and do you drink tons of tea? cuz that’s what i assume…

  31. [...] The Twilight cast takes on awards season! Here to provide advice to the Twilight cast members about the upcoming awards season, CalliopeBlabs Dear Twilight Saga [...] [...]

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