The Lautner Family Christmas letter

Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:

December 2009                     Issue 19, Vol 4

Family trip to the jersey shore in 06

To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,

Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.

You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air

News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.

I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day!

yuck. ppl think hes hot?

hey guys,

merry christmas! i dont have much time cuz shannon is waiting 4 me n were gonna go 2 the mall 2 get new uggs, but I just wanna say hi and that I miss all of you who dont ever visit the valley. please come! i know daddy goes on about all the in-n-outs but its not really that bad. shh dont tell him but i went there last week with greg from my science class. we made out in the parking lot and taylor told on me cuz he got pissed cuz i tore out a pic of taylor swift from us weekly mag and put it on my wall and i think daddy was madder that i went to in-n-out than i kissed greg.

anyway this year has been really cool i get st8 a’s and am cheerleading and lovvvvving the football players and lip smackers has this new amaaaaazzzzing watermellon-bubblegum-sodapop flavor and me and chelsea eat it like candy. taylor is annoying as usual but its knda cool when hes home bc all my friends @ school think hes so hot (yuck) and Hope the girl from that neighborhood that daddy says well move in2 after his documentary about in-n-out gets into michael moores hands has been talking to me and it makes me feel cool plus curtis from spanish likes to ask me about if ive met kristen stewart (i duno why) and always saves me a spot at lunch to talk about her so thats pretty cool. its been a good year! looovieeees

Me and the kid sis. Back when the 8 pack was only a 4 packer

To my very supportive family, friends and fans,

Wow! What a year it’s been. I feel very blessed to be Taylor Daniel Lautner. I thought this year instead of sharing my accomplishments I’d just tell you what I’m thankful for. I don’t want to come off like I’m bragging or anything because it’s been a really big year for me.

First I’ll start off by thanking Summit Entertainment, the movie studio from which much of my success resulted.  They gave me a chance to prove that I could gain the 30+ pounds I needed to to become their heartthrob star. And prove to them I did! Those 30+ pounds ensured that our movie grossed over 600 million dollars world-wide. The experiences I had filming New Moon were incredible. I came out a changed man. I learned some spanish (“loca”), Quileute (“Quil Clout Lay”) plus learned was it was like to be objectified as merely an attractive man with an 8 pack of abs.

I can’t talk about my 8 pack of abs without mentioning my trainer Jordan Yuam. Jordan gave me the confidence to know I could make it past my 4 pack of abs to a full 8 pack. When I said to him “Jordan no- there is no possible way I can eat 13 more meat patties today,” Jordan screamed in my face and scared the shit out of me. Jordan was the first guy to tell me it was okay if I said “Shit.” My dad always said I had to be 18 or else I could get arrested. Jordan also told me all about the right way to please a woman. I have him to thank for having the confidence to show off my 8 pack to my latest gal and ensure that we’d be making out in the back of the movie theater later that night. Sure it’s a little weird now when Jordan tells me his recent sexual exploits. Cuz of my mom and all… I just try to pretend she’s still at home hand rolling my dad’s four half-pound burgers he eats every day for a mid-day snack instead of at Jordan’s house, doing that cool move he told me to try on Selena Gomez that one time.

I know, I know- you’re all waiting for me to get on with it and talk about my women! I won’t let you down, Aunt Rita! I’m THANKFUL for all the beautiful women in my life! First there was my high school girlfriend Sara Hicks but I broke it off because it’s hard for a non-famous person to be with someone famous. Plus I tested out of high school after 11th grade and am taking college classes now. It’s time to move on (Here is a video Sara made for our 1.5 week anniversary). Then I was linked to Selena Gomez, but we were just friends. Then I had a long conversation with Jordan Yuam where he told me it’s not every day a “piece that hot” walks into my life, and while I wasn’t crazy about calling her a “piece,” I did kinda agree and so we made out that night. But after all the ‘roids… I mean protein powder… they jammed down my throat I hardly had time to be an intellect.. and thinking just got too hard for me. So I dumped Selena and started dating a girl named Taylor. Which works out perfectly because when we meet up with people and are introduced I only have to remember one name… you know.. Cause its the same as mine! How cool right?!

From the Lautner Family to yours, stay safe, stay healthy and stay away from In-N-Out this holiday season!

Love,
Daniel (Big Daddy), Taylor & Makena

PS: Jordan & Debbie send their regards

I did a lot of Taylor research for this letter. I made Moon proud. And semi-sad. Cuz, let’s be honest, it’s sad how much I learned about him to write this letter. Deborah IS Mrs. Lautner’s name, however I found no evidence to suggest she and Big Daddy were having any marital problems. Which is a very good thing. Cuz let’s be honest, Big Daddy’s chances of finding love again are slim to none (I mean a girl can only do fast food dates at least once in the first year of dating. Big Daddy isn’t gonna stand for that. Don’t make him choose between a woman and his fish-o-filet. The fish will win. Every time.)

Remember That Forum we have and love so much? Well, it’s got a new AWESOME feature called “Biggest Loser”- Yes. A Twilight-related weight loss challenge run by EmmeLooWhoo. JOIN THEM NOW!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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101 Responses

  1. ROFL. What else can I say?

    xox

  2. Dude, that vid of him and his first girlfriend is just a painful reminder of why I DON’T want to be 17 again.
    And yes, the filet-o-fish will win over any potential (and delusional) suitors Daddy Lautner may find (aka trick into going on a date with him by promising they’ll get to meet Taytay).

    • Bella,

      Your comment made me curious so I watched that video.

      Taytortot looks exactly like a little cousin of mine. EXACTLY! This is disturbing.

      AND I can’t tell you how happy I am that I exited the realm of teenagehood just before taking pictures of yourself kissing became popular.

      I cannot grasp why this is necessary.

      • Basically. Thank god I was over 18 when digital cameras made an affordable appearance.

        • Thank goodness I was over 21…..

        • hear-hear! you tell it sister. that is the TRUTH. talk about embarrassing photo opps… YIKES! if they were “in” back in the day my youth might just haunt me in more than just my memory!

  3. That was amazing. Plain and simple.

  4. dear big daddy,
    try a salad. please? just once. for me. they’re not bad, i promise!

    • They’re even better slathered in fried chicken and bleu cheese dressing. ;)

      • Ummm….

        Ranch.

        • “…. In bed”

          • BWAHAHA – you ladies are fabulous. I’ve never wanted a salad in the morning until today.

      • Bleu cheese! heck yes, BESTIE!!!!!!!!

        So, for the deliciousness of bleu cheese, and the fact that I’m going to Chili’s for liquid lunch today w/my work peeps and will get those boneless chicken strips slathered in hot sauce and dip it them into bleu cheese, I am going to give you (and everyone else that loves the Charlies!) a two-for today

        Burke promotes Rev^3, an energy drink I assume, while posing behind what looks like a weathered painting of the pool I used to do competitive diving at that was screen printed onto Big Daddy Lautner’s tshirt (size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL). (not gonna lie, I’m having a harder and harder time finding new BB pics. He seems to be hiding out lately, maybe it has to do with having a toddler? /shrug)

        In contrast, Bewley finally has a new photoshoot* out. That Cuddley is in as well. Which severely pleases me. He has also kicked Kellan’s ass in religious matters it seems. Come to think of it, this might make a good appreciation Sunday (nudge nudge).

        And, for all you Rob lovers, I came across this photo, despite that Bewley doesn’t really know Rob all that well.

        *I cannot find it again for the life of me! Will continue my search. Is it possible that it was up yesterday and taken down today? Sad panda.

        • So, I did way too mucha little bit of research (yeah, you should be amazed that I hadn’t gone to any of his fansites until this week. I’m amazed with myself, too) on the kid (who’s totally 28, I don’t care what BS he throws at us or that some people think he looks 35+) and I found that with his low amount of filmography credits, I have such an amazing shot at getting an agent in time to audition for Kate in BD.
          Also, found the photoshoot w/ Cuddley, sort of. It was posted on a fan page, but thumbnail form, and then linked to on facebook. It’s too embarrassing to look at charlie bewley fan pages on fb. It just is. I can only go so far, guys.
          I feel so shamed for all this porn. I know it might not seem that way, but I am. I’m so sorry, Rhys. Let’s not talk about it, ever. It’ll be as if it never existed…

          Speaking of shame, wtf is this?

          • umm… regarding that last one… uhh, it appears to be a sucky 90’s emo/transexual-wanna-be pic… it’s his “see-i’m-pensive-and-in-touch-w/-my-inner-lady-who-longs-for-understanding” look.
            yeah – we won’t go there again, ‘kay? promise? eww…

          • seriously. It’s always disappointing when you run across photos like that.

          • the second (looks 35) pic is hillarious. he looks like siegfried and roy’s perky apprentice.
            also, burke’s sunnies! when did he start morphing into jackie o?

          • Aw, thanks for all the lovely photos! I never thought Charlie looked older than 35 until that pic… he has crow’s feet! They look sexy as hell on him… but still.

  5. LMAO!
    I’ll get back when I’m done laughing

  6. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. Your Taylor voice is spot on! I love the way he practically always talks in sentences, whereas Rob & Kristen….well, you all know what I’m talking about.

    XXXXX
    P.S. Has anyone ever seen a picture of Deborah? What if Big Daddy accidentally ATE her & now they just pretend she’s at home somewhere….

    • Hahahaha! Yep, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I was wondering the same thing about Deborah… then again, we haven’t seen a new pic of Big Daddy lately either…

    • you know.. i think you’re right. no one has EVER seen Deborah…
      Dun dun DUNNNN

      • I can see it now:

        2am at the Lautner house:

        BD: Taylor Taylor help…
        TL & TS: What?
        BD: Not that Taylor
        TS: Sorry! I’ll go back to the guest room.
        BD: Son, I had an awesome dream about a new fish sammich. Then I woke up & your Mom was gone! I need the heimlich & you’re the only one strong enough to do it! God Bless your abs & pecs….
        TL: On it Big Daddy (squeeze….DL’s chewed & sodden form reappears…)
        BD: Debooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaah! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It was an accident!
        TL: Summit aren’t going to like this, Dad, even if it was an accident. We must hide the body!
        BD: I have an idea – look away Son. (Gulping noise).
        TL: Ewwww.
        BD: Actually she was quite delicious. Back to bed now, you need your beauty sleep.
        TL: Not as much as you do Dad….

        Really. It could have happened.

        • Beaker you bring me Xmas sadness….. Why the hale is TS over there at night? Oh, and I’m sad about Deborah too.

          Speaking of TS…. Where the hale is Team Seth? TS… Get off your international house of twitter harem and get your but in here!

          • *stands up* *applauds Xy*

            I heart you. I take back my Taytay bashing…. for the moment, at least.

          • Eff you. I took it balls to the wall this morning with Rhys. Didn’t even care. Have DMed you on it.

            And I posted up higher, like a chimi’s worth of bewley porn.

            miss you. can we call it IHOT? Like IHOP, but more explanatory…

    • I was so worried by your post that I just put my googling skills to use.

      Strangely most of the images filed under “Taylor Lautners mother” involved Nikki Reed… This concerns me a bit. BUT I did find this:

      • Aww she’s so pretty! Thanks for finding her Fangy. I swear she looks like notebok-kissing-Tay on SNL.

        Now I’ve asked this question before… And I’ll ask again, Do you think this make her Team Edward by default?

      • Thank you for your research! That’s one less question we have.

  7. Oooooo…
    after a long time I am finally back and what do I see a post totes dedicated to Taylor!!! And it makes me laugh so hard my face starts to hurt again… Thanks ladies!!

  8. So Bleriana is finally back in town, after being gone for lets just say “personal reasons”. And I am kind of happy and kind of sad. Happy because I get to read about 25 post of LTR/LTT today since I missed so much and sad because I don’t even know if I can make it through them all…. But I am soooo happy to be back anyway

    • Yeah…..heard the was a car accident?

      • I heard the same, sparkle.

        Love the name! I love cakes. And sparkles. And I’m rambling…

        BTW, I really hate internet hoaxes.

        *straps on stilletos*

        • Seriously! Me too! Like when they say there going to be some comet that can’t be seen again for 100 years. Why hoax about something like that? Ridiculous.

          Strapping on the stilettos? You going salsa dancing or gonna sing in a Debbie Harry tribute band (she was in a band called The Stilettos back in her early days.)? Either way, can I come too? I’ll bust out my blood red stilettos!

          And…i’m rambling too. Sleep deprivation cuases this and chimi-loads of bewley porn. face paw.

        • For serious.

    • You can totes make it through them all. I read that you and your sis had a car accident. You guys ok? Hm, would mention holidays, but I seem to recall you are Muslim, correct me if I’ve mis-remembered.

      • Actually my sister wasn’t involved thank god… only me and my best friend… and if I hadn’t been sleeping I sure as hell wouldn’t have been that hurt but I was so let’s just say it was pretty bad and I’m still not fully recovered.. but I guess it can only get better now right?

        And yes I am a muslim but we still kind of celebrate chrismas since its the only time of the year everyone is at home…

        • oh ok. well then happy christmas! :)

          Sorry to hear about the crash :( Wish you and your friend speedy full recovery.

          • thanks and happy chrismas to you too!!

  9. Poor Sara Hicks. She’s probably just trying to finish high school but is constatnly being told “I hate you!” and getting her car keyed by freshman.

    • Freshman, and their mothers…

      • And some of her teachers.

  10. Aww. I love this family. I am so glad the Lautners are still together. I have to admit I was hating on Jordan there for a min. I will not sully this beautiful family letter with any impure thoughts. I’ll go to ltr for that.

    Happy Holidays Everyone!

  11. Hilarious, UC! I need to hire you to write a Christmas letter for me. The amount of research that went into this is impressive. You’ve truly captured the essence of Big Daddy, Makena and TayTay (I assume anyway.)

    I’ve decided that if I ever become famous (for… uh… stalking Billy Burke?) I’m going to delete all photos of me as a child from the internet… no one needs to see me showing off the dinosaur sweater I got for Christmas in 1991…

  12. So did yall hear about the DILF discussing easter eggs? He said that Tay used an actual Quileute phrase when mackin on Bella (cuz everyone knows that speaking in Quileute is the way into a chick’s panties. Mine at least…)

    Evidently, Taylor says “kwop kilawtley.” And you can look up what it means on quileutenation.org. I didn’t. Someone let me know what it means if you do look it up. As long as I don’t know what it means, I can make it as dirty as I want…

    • Apparently it means “stay with me forever.” That’s from a Google search, so it’s possible it’s incorrect and it actually means something much dirtier.

      • You can just give it the fortune cookie treatment and add “…in bed” see it’s dirty already.

        • i love this game, xy! i wanna play . . . . in bed . . . . with robbie.

          • I know what you mean… Can’t stop singing that Robbie baby song… always ends “…in bed”. Wait a minute… I maybe onto something…. In bed” make it stop, dear lord make it stop…. In bed. Ahhh!!

    • I got out of work early for Christmas, came home and what do I do first? Yes, that’s right, Google all legit websites on the Quileute language in attempt to discover the meaning behind the phrase. And lemme tell you, a legit translation is no where to be found. Also the “Stay with me forever” idea that is circulating has no reference/reliable source so I wouldn’t take that as fact. The good news is we can still make it mean whatever we want it to be.

  13. Big Daddy would have a hard time finding another woman? I beg to differ!!!

    I would totally go after him, I love to cook and have no one to serve…he would be PERFECT!!

    Sassy + Big Daddy = 4EVA!!!

    • Hey Sassy…”I love to cook and have no one to serve”….please feel free to come to my house…cause..I HAVE to cook for a house full and have lost all my receipes and all my energy….so please feel free to come and share my kitchen! Think of the fun we could have…you could cook..I could drink (I don’t drink, so it would be very interesting) and we can talk Twilight til we drop….just a thought…Merry Christmas Sassy!!!!

      • That would be AWESOME!!! I do drink so trust, it would be a good time!

        I don’t have the desire to work in a restaurant or be a chef or anything…for me, cooking is about sharing love, which I think ultimately makes the food better. And besides, I cook with full on everything, not healthy crap in my kitchen. Full butter and all…but I put my foot into everything! Girl we would have a blast!!

        I hope you are having a happy Christmas too! How did you Twilight/LTT tree come out??

        • OH you sooo have to come (twss) and cook w/me…I do “real cooking” too..lots of butter/love thrown in….always wanted to have a small restraunt back when I still had a brain…HEY we could start a Twilight themed restraunt..including of course Filet-O-Lautner, venison burgers, bloody Victoria’s etc! Think of the “possibilties” soundtracks playing in the backround…ahhh…..btw, I said I don’t drink, but I definately could START and yes we would have a blast…
          We should exchange receipes…ever made Swedish Almond Bars? Everyone here (neighbors) wait for them each year…so good/bad for you…what’s your favorite to make at Xmas?

          • I love the Twilight themed restaurant idea! On the menu Charlie’s steak should have disclaimer *they’re not bears.

            I would love to come (twss) help cook too when you gals need a break. Those little bottles can mess you up a lot faster than you think!

          • @Keisha..sure come join the cooking brigade..I’ll be under the tree after one drink so will need your help…
            Some other menu idea’s: 5lb TL Burger, Hot Pocket Pattison Platter, Kstew Stew, and Taylor kiddie plate, and less we forget dessert….Jackson’s 100 banana split!

          • I don’t do much with sweets. Not very good with the baking type stuff. But you want some good ol’ gumbo or Louisiana/Deep South/Slap yo Momma kind of food, I’m your girl!

            And I would find that restaurant HYSTERICAL!! But totally normal.

          • @Sassysmart…sounds yummy…actually we’d make a great team! I prefer to bake but would love some of those “slap your mama” receipes…course knowing my crowd they may actually take that literally…

  14. Wow UC you are too much awesome!

  15. Glad I wasn’t eating or drinking when I got to the part about protesting Super Size Me. Hey Morgan Spurlock-did YOUR movie lead to “lots of young beauties hanging around” your house?? Didn’t think so.

    Why don’t you make a movie about trying to get In-N-Out to make a fish sandwich? You want to be on Big Daddy’s good side.

    • good idea. on it

  16. Aaaawww…that was adorbs! I miss Mrs. Lautner though…It’s so awful that I’ve only ever seen one pic of her…That guy may have inherited all the looks from her side of the family…her being french and all…

    Makena looks a sweetheart…LOVE the sibling cuteness (I miss my bros) but why no pic of Daddy Lautner? with a santa hat….oh lord…yesterday’s pic…of butt crack santa….it wasnt butt crack santa at all wasnt it? It was….*throws up a little in mouth* Big…Daddy?

    I think it was taken the day he found out about his son’s break-up with Selena…or when Mickey-dees just said “We’re cutting u off Mr. Lautner…ur too carbed up to drive”…poor poor Big Daddy…
    Morning everybody…
    Happy Christmas Eve!!!
    The cookie is wearing her santa hat..muah!

    • “it wasnt butt crack santa at all wasnt it? It was….*throws up a little in mouth* Big…Daddy? ”

      Pst. Taytortot in 30 years…
      ;)

      • Forseuth!!!! Fangy, Formothereffingseuth!!!!

        • Payback is a bitch, my darling Xy.

          Muah!

          • Oh SIK… I <3 thee so. Someday we'll see him live and drink and laugh about all of this. Wait for it…. Wait for it….Mwah!

    • Morning WL!!! You scared the hale out of me with your Xmas eve crap. I keep forgetting you live in the future!

      • Sowwy…didnt mean to take u for a ride in my Dolorean…how u today luv?

        • How do you even know about that?! You are a zygote that probably still gets carded! Bwahhaaaahaaa

          • If my twin that is older than me is a zygote, what the hell does that make me?

            A sperm?!?!?! An egg?!?!?!?

            A strange split personality bodily fluid?

            File this under “weirdest post ever”.

          • Xy! LOL…I do get carded…sad…but i managed to score some booze for drunk skyping/tweeting on christmas day…YAY!!!

            Twinsie… we are both zygotes…but cooler…lol

    • “We’re cutting u off Mr. Lautner…ur too carbed up to drive.” Hahahahaha, you’ve cracked me up again, Illegal. Love you!

      How does it feel knowing that Santa comes to your house before everyone else’s?

      • Awwwww U think I’m funny when I havent even brought my A-game…(not that my A-game is any funnier) You’re too nice Toosday faaaar too nice…muah!
        Christmas is meh this year…Santa think I’m an awful girl for perving and then not (thereby disappointing ppl)
        So coal for me….I deserve it…lol

        •  (thereby disappointing ppl)

    • So much Christmas Eve win, IWL. No coal for you!

      Have some eggnog instead . . . with plenty of rum.

      You are gorge in your santa hat, i’m sure!

      Muahhhhhhhh!

      • God I need that eggnog *empties entire bowl into mouth* thank u…will have to make do with pink champagne and bucket loads of ice cream for christmas…hmmm sugar AND alcohol high? things are gonna get interesting…lol
        muah!!!

  17. Ok, so I hadn’t seen the video. Yeah, that Eclipse kiss is in the bag…on Taylor’s side anyway. Because if he can do what I just saw at the tender age of 15, he could only have improved in the next two years. Now If KStew can just keep that mouth breathing under control we’ll be in business… what? It’s just an objective observation, gah!

    • I’m at work so I can’t watch it yet (not sure I want to anyways)… Can anyone explain what exactly is the video of? Is that a famous girl or not? Suddenly glad that I grew up before the era of Youtube immortalizing teenage embarassment.

      • It’s nothing really… Just a bunch of silly teenage faces stills by Tay and his lucky first girlfriend. In one still he appears to be channelling Ryan Gosslin in “the notebook”. But he was still at the cooties stage. Not hot at all… but the potential is clearly there.

        Thank god all the iron pumping burned off those cooties. That’s all I’m saying on this lovely Lautner Family Day.

        Also “Taylor’s Turn” you have never spoken more truth UC”

        • I think I’ll skip! Thanks for the summary!

          Also glad that the iron pumping and bags of meat paid off.

  18. Happy Day before the day before Christmas everyone…!!
    Not to be a grinch but I’m really in need of some Edward love…sorry ILW and all those Tay lovers (or soon to be) but seriously Moon, UC…enough already (only kidding/not really)….where is my Rob/Edward xmas love?? I threw up on my old/new computer with that pic of Santa and the stocking inappropriately/appropriately placed…took 2 days to try and clean the mess btween the keys (said the hale w/it cause its going back to Dell anyway, won’t “they” be surprised)…and as old as I am, I JUST CAN’T look at Taylor in any other way than “like a son” cause real son actually has abs like Tays…so please put me back in the “spirit” and give me some Edward…not Rob..he also is way young for me…but Edward…ahh blessed 109 year old Edward is just what Imma needing to get me through these last crazy days of Xmas…so I am begging..yes begging…for some Edward…
    Moon/UC…Merry Christmas…(unless you don’t give me what I want) then Imma gonna sneak down your chimneys and steal all your lil/big bottles and be gone in a flash…
    Trust…”You don’t wanna make me angry”…
    Loves ya anyway tho…Happy Holidays to all…

  19. The word WIN doesn’t cut it. Today you just brought GENIUS. I want to print it out and send it with my cards, but I’m not sure Great Aunt Joan would get it.

    • but Aunt Rita would love it!

  20. *clapping* I applaud this letter. Your research skills amaze me and you are totes a creepster now.

    HUGS!

  21. Dear UC,
    Can I please send you the name of a boy I’ve been talking with? I want to learn more about him on the DL and your internet research skills are impressive.

  22. Applauding the research that went into today’s post!

    I learned so much about dear Taylor and the pictures were too cute. But they were also totally a turn-off/reality check; I mean, I graduated from university in 2006 and I’m having dirty thoughts about a guy who looked like my little cousin and probably got a game boy and Superman sheets for Christmas that same year I graduated??? Um, thinking of switching to Team Robward for the day…or week…to cleanse my palate. Not a difficult thing to do.

    *off topic* In a letter filled with such rich, vivid detail, my mind began to wander onto randomness about Taylor. I started wondering what airline his dad used to work for and what year he quit piloting. And which hub he worked out of. If the Lautners used to live in Grand Rapids, MI… I’ve spent the last 8 years flying about 10 times a year in and out of there. So that’s like 80 flights. So, maybe, at one point, I was actually in a plane flown by Big Daddy. Whoa. Maybe when I have had a few too many red wines at Christmas parties later this week and am tired of the lame/mundane/shallow family chit-chat, I’ll start telling stories about how “the werewolf’s” dad used to fly me around Michigan. I do remember a flight once smelled like fried fish.

    • First if all… I think the zygote pics of Tay were on purpose…. It probably looked like some people needed a cold Tay shower… It worked… For me. I’m only singing about the Robbie this morn.

      Secondly… you and Big Daddy. How awesome is that?! I am going to overlook the hypothetical and just make it a fact….because is funner that way….plus the fact that you smelled the fish is confirmation enough for me. So how did it feel to be aboard big daddy’s….aircraft? Inquiring minds want to know.

      • It definitely worked! Thanks, UC… I think.

        A flight with Big Daddy…hmm, would make an interesting story. I may need to think about this for a while.

        All I remember was a fishy smell, several passengers needing to be bumped due to weight restrictions (sorry, that was mean), and a long story about the pilot’s son’s Karate competitions.

        I need to work on this story a bit! But it’s worth it. It makes a great anecdote.

        Unfortunately I am a terrible liar and would probably end up laughing most of the way through my “story.” Unless my bloodstream is filled with red wine.

        • Lol

          While on the subject of red… Is that cadmium red light I spot in your avi? Are you, *gasp* a painter?

          • I am!!! The color is actually… Opera Rose. By Windsor + Newton. It’s a very bright, fluorescent, artificial kind of color but not terribly far from Permanent Rose.

            Are you a painter?

      • Just noticed the “…” before aircraft.

        EW! and no.

  23. Awesome letter, Lautners . . er, UC!

    Thanks for the exhaustive research – I’ve only seen one pic of Mrs. Lautner, a.k.a. Little Momma, a.k.a. She of the Golden Womb, but I’m glad to hear it’s not because she’s off working on abbage for someone else’s cabbage.

  24. My mom totally does the family Christmas letter thing. This year’s was particularly interesting what with my brother knocking up his girlfriend and all. It’s no tirade against In-N-Out, but it’s certainly dramatastic.

    • Hahaha, my mom does the family Christmas letter, too! There’s really not a great way to share the news of a knocking up to people that you communicate with once a year, is there… picture of the pregnancy test maybe?

  25. comment on the picture….ok, why would they take a trip to the jersey shore? no offence to jersey people but who wants to swim in orange water. blech. besides i thought that he lived in michighan. hello great lakes.

    • It looks more like Lake Michigan to me!

      If we’re going for accuracy here.

  26. Big Daddy,

    Totes agree with you about In-n-out! I mean really I need some variety here! They should have some fish!!

    Loves,
    3hboyshouse

    UC,

    I love you and your mad research skills!!
    xo

  27. Happy Xmas Eve everyone!

  28. “Don’t make him choose between a woman and his fish-o-filet. The fish will win. Every time”

    It’s The Fish. It’s always been The Fish. :-P

  29. [...] Daddy Lautner- In 2010 I’ll be continuing my quest as the chairman on the 1 person “Restaurant Team” for the city council to shut down [...]

  30. [...] clearly taylor is an ltt fan cause dec is our anni month UC: happy anniversary us! Moon: awww the lautner family xmas letter. tay is sad she wont make it this yr UC: i just saw that Moon: oh we did a tay laut appreciate [...]

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