Buttcrack Santa writes US a letter!

*Here’s a first! Buttcrack Santa himself (non canon character infamously in the Twilight movie) has written us a little letter and you might be surprised that he’s alive and well and terrorizing little children this Christmas… he wants to share a little bit with you. Enjoy!*

My idea of a good night

Dear LTT readers and my loyal Buttcrack Santa Fans,

It’s a widely circulated rumor that I died in Twilight the movie at the hands of those jerkoff nomadic vampaires who jacked up my boat when in reality they just took my shit and then left me in that super sketchy boat marina while they went to find those losers the Cullens who as it turns out were playing BASEBALL in some field. And here’s a little secret for you, those Cullen kids, they’re VAMPIRES like those other jerkoffs. Vampires playing baseball? What the ef is that about? So now that I escaped their evil clutches and I have a new lease on life I spend my free days doing whatever I please… somedays I go fishing, somedays I sneak up on Cora, the waitress, and watch her through her apartment window while she’s getting ready for work, other days I dream about the diner’s steak and cobbler and still other days I hang out with “the boys” in Port Angeles since apparently that’s where you go for cheap booze and loose women… or just lost high school girls, either or.
c

Merry frickin' Christmas!

So since no one really knows what the HALE I do for a living and it IS that time of year again, I’m back at my most favorite job in the world. Yes folks, it’s Christmas time so I’m reprising my most famous role as Forks’ own creep-o store Santa. Affectionately known to you all as: Buttcrack Santa, who some believe says inappropriate things to the kids and may or may not have given underage children little bottles of alcohol instead of those crusty ol candy canes. Tell me, who wants some broke ass candy cane when you can have a little bottle of Peppermint Schnapps? That’s a big DUH right there. Booze and cruise, yall! A shot of Schnapps for the kiddo’s will make that hellacious shopping trip so much better for the parents. So you see I’m doing them a favor. They should be thanking me instead of trying to get me fired. Ungrateful jerks. I may just have to report them to the REAL Santa as “naughty.” See if they like those lump of coals in their stocking instead of a fishing pole or perhaps a… LITTLE BOTTLE?!

Take the cut to read the rest and see Buttcrack Santa’s Christmas Card to you!

So when you see your local Santa at the mall or the Kwik-e-Mart this season give him a break cause he’s just trying to spread the cheer one little bottle at a time! And if you happen to see me at the Forks Community Center come sit on my lap and tell Buttcrack Santa what you want for Christmas. Oh and don’t mind me that’s just a candy cane in my pocket…

Thank you for being such big fans of my work!
Buttcrack Santa

So what are you asking Buttcrack Santa for this year for Christmas? More little bottles? Dirty pictures of Rob?

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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175 Responses

  1. first comment?! :D

    • Aww! i’m so proud of you! 1st! *sizzle*
      How’s everything going TS?
      Miss chatting w/ u…
      Hope you’re doing great!
      -Muah-

      • sizzle? hehe.

        Things are fine. I miss chatting w/you too…though I hear you like to comment on my sister’s blog all the time ;)

        How are you doing? Ready for xmas?

        • everything’s doing fine. i’m looking forward to a couple of days off, ya know… but i don’t celebrate xmas, so people that i work w/ think this must be a awkward time for me but it doesn’t bother me at all. it’s my choice that don’t participate. other than that everything else is rolling right along. how ’bout you? is the Beau w/ you? are you still in FL for the holidays?

          • Beau w/ me. Still in FL. Sis arrives today! HOORAY! *waves at Griffs who probably won’t show up on blog today*

            I wrote that bit about xmas, and then thought, “Wait, is she the one who doesn’t celebrate?” Lo and behold.

            I’m finally sending out my xmas cards today. oops…better than not at all!

    • TS!!! Do you even sleep?! Congrats on popping today’s cherry! Yay!

      • BARELY! 2:45-6am. I’m pulling an IWL heh. We shall see how the day unfolds. Hound and I are set to make spaghetti dinner and watch Lost episodes from season 2 (i’m only on season 2) tonight…so if I fall asleep mid-episode, no big deal. Thanks for the congrats…I DMed you on twitter (I think it was you. I meant it to be you)

        • you should probably stop pulling IWL – I’m sure she’s not terribly fond of it.

          • I meant that she used to not sleep a lot.

          • I know what you meant I was attempting to be funny. :-(

          • You so funny Abs… muah!

          • :( sorry, i’m not fully functioning right now. I did laugh, if that makes up for it.

    • Yay! Congrats on being first! ;)

      • Thanks.
        I can’t remember who it was, but someone at one point thanked me for the daily bewley porn, probably was you. So, I feel the need to deliver. Instead of running a daily blog (which is way too much work), I’ll just post a photo of bewley [who may or may not be closer to 40 than 28...according to some people] everyday.

        • Lol!!! It’s the only explanation that makes sense. He’s like an older Caius (forget his real name).

          • JC something or another. Nah, he’s way sexier than Caius. He has good teeth. That’s super important to me.
            Imma find some less make-up photos. Does he really look 37 in the one I just posted? Really? Hm. One day, when I’m sauced with you-know-who, I’ll ask him for the truth. And then I can let you know in private as to not violate trust. Michael Sheen isn’t even 40. Let’s take a moment to think about that and perhaps compare it to this image.

        • Aw, surely it was me. You know what it takes to make me happy, TS!!

          • 1 Charlie
            2 Charlie
            3 Charlie (1 + 2= 3 that is)
            Floor.

        • I thanked you once for the daily Charlie fix, but I know Tuesday loves it too!
          Closer to 40?! WTF? No way!! He looks great in that picture!! ::drool::

          • Not that close-to-40-year-olds look bad. I just meant that he doesn’t look close to 40 at all.

        • Also, I don’t really know you TS, but all this you-know-who speak is totally bringing out the nosey in me. I don’t know who and I want to, lol.

          And yes, it’s Jamie Campbell Bower = Caius.

          • Sorry. I can’t tell. It’s imperative that it does not come up in a google search, and everything on LTT comes up in a google search.

          • Yes, I seem to remember a mention of secrecy at one time. I was mainly just letting you know that if and when it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore, inquiring minds are curious like a cat. ;)

    • Someone likes to thumb-down whoever acknowledges that they got the first comment. What gives? I’m giving you a thumbs up to cancel out their thumbs down.
      You know they’re totes jealous.

      • Thanks. It’s sort of a v-card for me…this whole first comment thing. I’m normally west coast time, which makes it a 5am effort to get the first comment. And usually Jayde rocks the first comment. But today I got to work early.

        • wow all the way down here and nary a mention of buttcrack santa.

          poor BCS.

          • Well, technically I mentioned it in comment #2 at 8:05am. Then there were all these responses to comment #1 at 8:01am.

          • hahahhahahhahaahahha

  2. Buttcrack Santa says “ya’ll” ?! I would’ve never guessed.

    I looooove this letter, Moon. BC’s gotta special place in my heart for sure.

    I need my coffee before I can think of any witty responses. I can’t believe I was the first commenter today! yay!

  3. BUTTCRACK SANTA!!! Oh, how I’ve missed you. You know, it didn’t occur to Moon and I until we actually asked around…and apparently…”only” LTT’ers KNOW that you’re actually called “Buttcrack Santa”. It’s true! IT IS your rightful name, you know. People should get with the program. That’s “normal” right?

    Anyways, I’ll be waiting up until after midnight waiting and watching for your crappy beard and ill fitting pants to come through my chimney and bring me some of those delightful little bottles…

    Forever yours,

    Ashley Frag

    p.s. I MISS all of you girls but I’m enjoying the snow in Indiana!

    • (I’m in Indiana right now, too!)

    • whoooaaa you’re early since you’re on normal people time now (as opposed to the west coast time, which is NOT normal people time!)

    • girl!!!!!!!!! you’re so early in the comments! all east coast time now! WHOOOOO! i miss you too

  4. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    I actually wouldn’t mind getting a few bottles of booze in my Christmas stocking (JD please!) as I enjoy getting merry at Christmas time (and any other time). I don’t really mind if they are those mini ones (more portable!) so, in fact, you might have been on to something after all!

    Thanks!
    Shleeeigh

    (I’m probably on the naughty list, but I hope you take pity on me for that because I honestly thought that guy was Rob…)

    x

    • I’m reading between the lines that JD makes people look like Rob . . . and rethinking my stand on whiskey.

    • me too! me too!!!!! booze in the stocking!

  5. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    I am glad you are live and drunk well. For Chistmas I’ll take you up on your offer of dirty pics of Taylor Rob. I am partial to the kind shoe peen hand prints in atheltic wear. Also please bring Rob some athletic wear so that he too can show us his peen muscles.

    Lastly, since “Vision Quest” will be filmed after his 18th birthday, could you please get ME IWL the part of the older woman who will be “encouraging” him during movie. We just want to make him feel good encourage him through his weight loss, honest.

    I am glad you are live and well. I missed you in New Moon… Unless that was you leaning against the bike next to Bella’s chubby balding extra with the casting hook-up friendly biker. Oh well. Merry Chistmas

    Xylem

    (ok… I’m out of control with the cabin fever and the stile command)

    • Santa, can you also bring me a non-arrogant iPhone that doesn’t change my words for me. Ugh!!! Thanks!

      • “non-arrogant iPhone ” – OMG! thought i’d die! that’s RICH! LOVE it!

      • freaking iphone thinks it knows best! UGH!

    • He totally wasn’t an extra! David Slade is NOT an extra! :)

      Also, Rob has muscles? Really? (ducks–It’s the bottles talking, promise!)

      And in vision quest is he going to have to rock the Christian Bale Machinist weight loss or not that intense?

      (ps-we can be out of control together. I’m having a surrey squee morning and running on little sleep)

      • “Rob has muscles? Really?” <– FTW!

        • Oh, Santa, also, please bring Rob some bulging muscles for Christmas so KStew can stop feeling on my future star witness at my trial favorite actor.

          Merry Christmas!

      • i don’t think we’re talking machinist-level weight loss. more drop a weight-class for the wrestling team…..the machinist was a creepy movie.

        • No kidding! Then Bale had to meat patty it up for Batman Begins.

      • The machinist, you say? Christian Bale, you say? Uh huh! I see where this is going. Lol

        • No! You made the comparison, not bears me! I don’t even agree with it (or remember which guy we were comparing, frankly–cudmore or bewley or the other third option.)

          • haha, I just remembered that it was jamey! hahaha. awesome. we are texting on his drive home.

          • I repeat …. Glass houses and stones…. Lol

          • sigh. fine fine.

          • but on that, i don’t think I was throwing them. we can take the world by storm you and I. Think of the possiblities…

          • -Take World by storm with.

            There! It’s on my to do list. Now it’s gotta happen. LET’S DO THIS!

  6. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    I wish for Christmas:
    Rob Pattinson with a red bow and lots of little bottles of schnapps. If you can not deliver him then send more dirty pictures of Rob.

    Love,
    TK36

  7. Buttcrack Santa, tsc tsc tsc… it’s one thing to hand out little bottles to kids, but I never took you for one to hang out with the Port Angeles guys and trouble lost high school girls. There are limits, Buttie. Now go sit in a corner.

    • “Buttie” ahahahahahaah!!!!!

    • HAHAHAAH oh buttie/buddy

  8. “who wants some broke ass candy cane when you can have a little bottle of Peppermint Schnapps?”

    A-men!
    Peppermint schnapps is also very likely healthier. Just sayin’

    • Dead liver vs. clogged arteries.

  9. This is scarey. But remember candy is dandy but Liquor is quicker. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • Annnd! You win.

    • Hand’s down my favourite comment from Robbygee! ;)

    • Hugs, bobbygee. Lots of hugs. And singing “We are the Rob” in a stupor.

    • Amen, bobbygee!

    • Willy Wonka? I think he’s Buttcrack Santa’s creepy uncle.

    • An appropriate philosophy for the season.

  10. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    I want world peace, a Kindle, and to touch Rob’s hair. Just once.
    <3

    Fangy

    • Angel!!!

      You my dear need wish tutoring… Touch his HAIR just ONCE. Because I <3 you so, I will share my touch cheat sheet with thee. If we are close enough to touch Rob is fair to assume he'll be a few drinks past good judgement. That being the case I suggest you caress:

      Jaw
      Lips
      Chestal muscles (yes, that's a technical name)
      Happy trail (and it's final destination)
      Buttocks
      Shoulders
      Neck

      In this particular order. By then Stean, his body guard, will have you in handcuffs (which doesn't have to be a bad thing if you did your job right). Make the most of it and enjoy your holiday. Notice that HAIR did not make the list…. Yeah, that's because Rob is always talking about his dandruff. Flakey Sexy, I know!

      • I dunno Xy. The lips action is a bit questionable as location number two. Even when beyond beyond, someone touching my lips sobers me up in a flash.

        Also, you are on a first name basis with his bodyguard? That’s a certain level of impressive.

        • I’ve seen drunk pics of him… Even seen a fan nearly kiss him while in such state. Believe me… He was totally out of it although he looked sober-ish. The chick didn’t kiss him because she chickened out. Pffff.

          As for his body guard, the goddesses (UCMOON) called him Steve for may weeks, but then we learned his real name was Dean… So I split the difference and call him Stean. I’m equally enthused by President Obama’s personal body guard, John, and got overly excited and fangirled when I saw him at an event with the Prez last week. (weird, ikr)

          • The thing that George Lopez hosted and his opening monologue was all fail and polite washington laughs? poor guy. his obama imitation was spot on though.

            Stean. I like it. Maybe he has a man lover named Steve…and this will really be relevant (and they can make out on screen, because that’s so trendy)

            Not weird. So we like the guy behind the guy. You’re more likely to hook up with Stean or John than Rob or Obama, so why even bother with the latter?

            Also, she chickened out? Really? Really? For shame. But touching lips and kissing lips are VERY dif. things. How often does someone touch your lips vs. kiss them? It’s just not natural.

      • I don’t think I’d make it past the jaw… because I wouldn’t touch it so much as I would lick it… leaving little time before the arrest to touch/lick anything else…

        • Tuesday, you get me! You and I could perfect this plan in time for the Eclipse onslaught. Seriously!

          • I’ll be the runner… like a gypsy team working the crowd.

          • We can make this happen!! I just need a lick before the cops arrive…

      • Oh Xy, my favorite sister in katt.

        Thanks for the suggestions but you must never speak of dandruff and Rob in the same sentence again.

        Capisce?

        • Fangy!!!

          I know, I know. I was just trying to warn you of the perrils of touching his hair. Besides, Rob started it.

          Just for you!
          Happy Premature Christmas! Cue to 1:50 to see his hair felatio face.

          • I needed that.

            Thank you verrrrrrrrrrry much.

            MUAH!

          • You can almost hear him purring. um muh guh…

        • Look at you w/the mobster terminology. Imma buy you a tommy gun for Christmas, ‘Pough. Love it.

          • Spizzle!
            Thank god you are here! We have an emergency. A certain someone is banning again. Quick! To the bat cave. You know what you need to do. Bring it!

          • StothePizzooooooooooo!!!!!
            Hey girl. Missed ya :D

          • A Tommy gun?!?! I heart you so, Pizzle. Can I carry my little Mafia kitty while I blow up things?

            All this mobster love is due to your forcing fanfics down my throat. How I love you for this.

            MUAH!

          • Xy – I’m at a loss with the ban. Mulling over strategies.

            Abs – RL is like a freaking toddler these days. So needy and demanding. “Feed YOURSELD the fish sticks, okay?”

            Fangifer – Fanfics? I have such high hopes for monopolizing your winter break. *cheesey Italian accent* “Say hello to my little friend.”

          • SPizzle! It’s been so long. I’ve been feeling your absence. It’s like a huge hole has been punched in my chest. Night terrors and the works.

        • I never thought I’d utter these words, but I have a serious crush on fangbanger.

          • You. Have a crush. On me?

            Aww…

            You can join in with the rest of the fake lesbians I have in my harem.

          • Welcome to the club. You should see her daughter. If you didn’t already love her, you will immediately feel a deep appreciation for her existence as her child wouldn’t exist if she did not. And her child is possibly the cutest child to ever exist.

          • Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

            TS! Imma have to hug you for this.

            MUAH!

            PS. She really is the cutest child to ever exist. This is truth.

          • Okay, I’m doing my signing tour in OK around Sept 2010. It’s me, the other Denali sisters, the minor Volturi and the wolfpack. So…I’ll get you a pass, don’t worry. Not sure if I can skip their “celebrity dinner” crap, but will try (so I can meet your man and thank him for helping to create the cutest child to ever exist, OBV)

          • I do, fangbanger. I can’t help myself.

    • Fangy,

      This sounds about like my Christmas list for serious!

      • Yay!

        I soooo want a kindle for reals. Doubt it will happen though.

        Are you the AJ that wrote the letter to Rob today?

        I loved it!

        • Yep! that’s me! thanks!

  11. Buttcrack Santa,

    Thanks for coming to my house last night and dropping off that WONDERFUL jar of Apple Pie Moonshine. It is DELISH!! (said like Caro from Ya-Ya’s)

    Love,
    Me

    ps, why didn’t you tell us that you were also in Polar Express as the trains ghost?

    • He so was! Oh my goodness, thank god you pointed that out. I can get my BC fix TWICE.

  12. Yay!!! What a nice Christmas present. :)

    “come sit on my lap and tell Buttcrack Santa what you want for Christmas. Oh and don’t mind me that’s just a candy cane in my pocket…”

    Eeeeeeeeeeew! I’d do it.

  13. Dear Butt-crack Santa,

    I would like a Rob for Christmas…YES you heard right..A ROB…with his sexy touchable hair (wind machine optional), dorkalicious laugh and sex eyes…also I would like the other Cullen boys as well…and all the wolf pack..ok maybe not all..I’ll take Paul, Embry, Jared, Sam and err…oh yeah almost forgot…Nerdy Wolf Quil..cause he’ll be bloody hot when he goes through the “awakening”.

    I would also like some little bottles..If u cant make it all the way to NZ..thats ok…send the sexy Tequila Thomas over…with tequila…imma need it for my sad-ass christmas…

    Grinchy green Cookie
    Morning Everybody!

    • (((((Hugs for Twinsie)))))

    • SANTA, IWL LIES!!!

      This is what she really wants:
      -Tay with a big plaid bow wrapped around his abs.
      -Tay in scruffy sexy uniform with lots of teeth showing. (weird, ikr)
      -Tay peen hand prints pics… Lots of them.
      -Tay abs cookie baking oven.
      -Tay with a one way ticket to NZ
      -A Tswift scandal so that she can console Tay

      Believe me Santa. She only wants Rob, if he shows up at her door wearing an “I love Taylor” tshirt while holding Taylor by the arm and saying Taylor’s phone number out loud. Don’t be fooled.

      • Does WalMart sell the abs cooking baking oven next to the [at one time decorative] wash boards?

      • Believe me…I just want a Rob…with his Oscar smile…and some plaid…oh and button fly jeans…(always the button fly jeans)…Ciggarette is optional but Heineken is a must (cause I love it!)
        U can put me in the naughty list for that santa but he’s my age and oh so legal..However u CAN pass on my apparent “wish list” to Xy…she’s most def the bigger fan and she denies herself so much…and I love her…muah!

        • Xy takes everyone and anyone.

          • Glass houses and stones…. That. Is. All. ;)

          • Glass houses? And you leave on the lights so everyone can see in? hawt.

    • Yes on Quil! I loves me a boy in glasses…

      P.S.- 51 Days!

      • 51 days to what Toosday? Now you KNOW Valentine’s Day is 54 (?) days away…tsk tsk…how can u forget the day that I will give you candy hearts and profess my life-long slave-dom? I am hurt…well and truly hurt…

        *sad panda ambles back into green bamboo* <3

        • Come out of that bamboo, panda! It’s 51 days until you can take your BFF to buy lottery tickets and pornography. I could never forget Valentine’s Day, of course, but every day is a good day to tell you I <3 you!

          • aaaawwww…I can never be sad with you Toosday..I love u too much for that…
            They dont let me buy lottery tickets or booze here w/o ID….sad state of affairs…and I worked so hard to look 23….lol
            muah!

          • You forgot that he can buy land.

            @IWL, I commend you on your strength.

        • Bwahahaha!!!!

          T minus 54 days?. Seriously, Cookie no T til then? Now I’m sad.

          • Nope! no anything till the 5th of never…unless he begs…and u know thats gonna happen on the 5th of never…Dont be sad Xy…U’ll have to take my place…we all know ur the greater “appreciator”… ;)

          • @ IWL…. pfffff!!!

          • Now now Xy..raspberries do not become u love…It’s all for the best..maybe in time I’ll change my mind(song lyric?)..till then u have to be strong…and avoid me when you pic spam shirtless or ANY pics of him…It WILL be hard…but I know you can do it…I believe in you…huga!

          • @IWL “huga” teehee. if that was a typo, i think we should institute it as a word. if it was not, then FTW!!!!!

          • TS!

            You missed out on the institution of “huga” as a word?

            I am sad for you.

          • I did. :( FML.

  14. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    You’re aliiive! It’s a Christmas miracle.

    My list is short and sweet this holiday season. With my new found fic addiction, I’d like a binder for my stories and a BiteMe notepad to keep all the Edwards straight. Oh, and KStew’s boyfriend.

    • YES!! An Edward organizer would come in handy. I had to keep reminding myself during break up scene in NM that THIS Edward would push Bella against that tree an show her how dangerous he really was.

      But seriously each time I watch that scene all I can think about is the picnic in YGMCTG. Good luck with your wish list… I’m off to collect more Edwards.

      • That he would NOT throw her up against that tree. Gah! Proof read fail.

        • I thought the affirmative was hotter.

  15. LOL, that was adorable. Totally made me smiley. Happy (almost) Friday!

  16. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    I just remembered why you are so familiar to me. You played Eddie Sherman on the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine was in charge of running the J. Peterman catalog and she was afraid of you so she promoted you.

    Thank you for playing creepy so well.

    Merry Christmas!
    tuesday

    P.S.- I like gin. I’m just saying.

    • Yes. This.

    • Dear BC,

      I like gin, too. In fact, Tuesday and I like all of the same things. So whatever you get her will be fine for me, too.

  17. Dear Buttcrack Santa:

    This year for Christmas, I would like some more Robporn from my friends at LTT/LTR. Could you please talk to them about this. If possible, could you ask them to deliver the Robporn daily. Usually, they provide Robporn once in awhile and I really need it every day. Could you also ask them to throw in some Kellanporn and when Taycob is legal everywhere I am sure there are lots of LTT/LTR readers who would enjoy some Tayporn.

    Thank you Buttcrack Santa. I am glad you are alive and well.

    Kristen’s Bestie (not really)

  18. I was feeling pretty Scrooge-like until today. Now, all I want to do is sing “Buttcrack Santa is Comin’ to Town” at the top of my lungs. I can’t wait til they honor him with a claymation movie…

    • a million times thumbs up.

  19. Omg that picture….. so amazing…. I heart you Buttcrack Santa!

  20. Buttcrack secretly watching Cora get ready for work from outside her window = Ew!

    “don’t mind me that’s just a candy cane in my pocket” = more Ew!

    Gutter Santa pic = super ew sicknast!!!!

    I think I threw up a little in my mouth.
    And then I laughed through the upcuck :D

    • I thought you said upcock! I had to reread like 8 times to see upchuck! Spewing!!!

    • yeah this was a wee bit of a gross post today!

  21. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    I would like the following for Christmas:

    - An Eclipse movie that doesn’t suck. That would include; leg hitch, super hot tent scene, an Edward without grandpa clothing.
    - KStew’s super hot premiere dresses and shoes (please don’t confuse this with her un-hot greasy Salvation Army wardrobe).
    - Robward complete with freshly washed clothing from the Dec09 Vanity Fair photo shoot and mussable hair and Volvo…to, erm, drive me in.*
    - Taylor, complete with his little bags of meat…three months from now, of course.*
    - A one-way ticket to Brazil to run from our friend Chris in case Taylor arrives too early.
    - All of the Twilight stuff on Etsy so I can quit my day job and make a little Museum of 2nd Hand Embarassment. (I have a thing for museums.)
    - Alice to plan my wedding to Robward and/or Jacob (whoever’s…car… I deem more suitable after the test drive).*
    - A little bottle of Jack, ‘cuz I ain’t coming back**

    Sincerely,
    Operarose

    *Please don’t tell my fiance. He might be insulted/heartbroken. You might want to give him a few little bottles to ease the pain.***
    **That annoying song is stuck in my head.
    ***I’m kidding. My fiance is awesome and I would not leave him. Especially after he declared himself “Team Jacob”…whatever that means.

    • - A little bottle of Jack, ‘cuz I ain’t coming back**
      Hilarious, my husband is obsessed with Ke$ha. I didn’t even know who she was before Saturday. Now he has played the song like 25 times and that’s still the only line I know. I’m old.

      • You know my fiance keeps repeating that song too. He says Kesha is “horrendous” yet he somehow gets a kick out of the song and lyrics.

        • I don’t get it. She’s total white trash sicknast. He was looking up her other songs last night and actually said he wants her CD when it comes out. Ick.

      • I thought that she meant the “hit the road jack and don’t you come back no more no more” song.

        • HAHAHA We’re both old!

    • in case Taylor arrives too early

      He’s 17….I think that’s a given

      whoever’s…car… I deem more suitable after the test drive

      I love you for making it a car reference.

      • LOLOL….gross… I almost wrote “comes” (without thinking) but I took a 2nd look + figured that was too graphic. He is only 17, after all. I don’t want to cross too many lines on here.

        Besides, I prefer to be subtle and demure. Like HRH SMeyer.

        Also, cars are awesome. And I mean that literally.

        • I <3 you big time lady!! Like I <3 cars.

          • <3 <3
            :)

    • First off, AWESOME!
      Secondly: “- Taylor, complete with his little bags of meat…”

      - A one-way ticket to Brazil to run from our friend Chris in case Taylor arrives too early.

      Greasy salvation army wardrobe

      All of it… just BRILLIANT!!!

      Just basking in your genius.

      • awww thank you! Sometimes commenting on here makes my day.
        Posting something honest + witty was my goal this morning. I had my giant Dunkin Donuts coffee at my unusually quiet desk at work and thought, “I have nothing clever to comment with today.” Then I decided it was a personal challenge. From there it wasn’t terribly hard. I just imagined myself sitting on BCS’s lap with my coffee…

  22. A Christmas greeting from Buttcrack Santa…now my holiday is complete! I was at a party over the weekend where someone uttered the words “little bottles” in a completely different context. I smiled, and then realized my smile was misplaced in conversation going on around me. But thinking of Buttcrack’s little bottles = very funny.

    • I love those li’l Twi-moments, don’t you?

      Like when my sister-in-law wanted my opinion on icing colors and all I could utter was “Purple’s cool.” And then I flushed and looked around like Chris Hansen was lurking nearby to expose my addiction.

      • Hehe, I used the phrase “2nd-hand embarrassment” in front of my students a couple weeks ago. I chuckled to myself. They stared at me like I was crazy… which was no different from any other day, really.

      • Normal, StotheP, Normal. Yesterday I asked my bf if I should wear this green sweater (why do I do this? Futile.) and he said (without looking at it, of course) “green is cool.” I said, “NO. Green is GOOD.” He stared at me. Awkward.

        • Teehee. Such a rookie mistake, right?

      • Those little Twi-moments get me through the day sometimes!

        • They really do! Every day has one of them it seems. And if not one, then a set up for one. “It’s cool” someone says. I bite my lip (there’s one) in order to not say, “Yeah, totes purple”. Just saying “totes” is bad enough.

        • here here!

    • Hi Ang!

      Everytime I see alcohol now(especially those little bottles) I think of Buttcrack Santa. Unfortunately no one in my family sees the humor(except for my mother). LOL.

      • Oh and the really funny thing is that when the person I was with said “little bottles” she was speaking of some decorative items someone gave her for a Christmas gift. Very different kind of little bottle!

    • I stayed in a hotel last week and as soon as I opened the minibar and saw the ‘little bottles’ I shouted for Buttcrack Santa (in a non sexual way of course). Tis the season!

      • (in a non sexual way of course).

        sure, sure.

      • You know you were really thinking about how he can make a kitty ME-OW.

  23. Dear Buttcrack Santa-

    I’m asking for the gift of keeping my mouth shut at times. Not everyone I know wants to hear a Jacob reference to everything. This past weekend, I was watching Love Actually with my girlfriends and made a Jacob/ Bella reference when they guy comes to Keira Knightly’s door with the signs. Then on Sunday when hubby and I were watching Survivor finale, Jeff Probst said they’d be back for the new season on Feb 11th……………yep, I immediately commented that it was Taylor’s birthday. I know “that’s normal” here on LTT but starting to suspect family and friends are concerned.

    Oh yeah, peace on earth, good will toward men, etc. etc. If that’s not possible, I like cashmere socks and little bottles of vodka!

    Thanks,
    wiley

    • yeah for Love Actually!

  24. Buttcrack Santa- I would really appreciate some more Twilight friends for Christmas. Now that I’ve come out of the Twlight closet and quote/reference it just slightly less than Wedding Crashers, I need some people that get it.

    PS – thank you so much, BCS, for leading me to LTT/LTR, without whom I might never know terms such as JawPorn, adorkable, sicknasty, and don’t-give-a-crapsten. It was truly a Buttcrack Santa Miracle!

    • I think that should be the title of the Lifetime movie that the next actress of our generation (whoever “ours” is) to kick off her career in.

      Buttcrack Santa Miracle [on Hwy 101]

  25. OMG this is so hilarious! Thanks Buttcrack Santa for enlightening us!

    I can’t help but notice you put a lot of weight since Twilight(see partially naked man with a Santa hat on his crotch photo). LMAO!

  26. Dearest BS,

    Now that you have resurfaced, my Christmas is almost complete. I say ‘almost’ because I have a small list of requests:

    1. Photographic evidence of actual hand-holding. To be enjoyed by the masses for one day and then STFU & let’s move on.

    2. A full recording of “Mama Said,” because I want to know what happens after the kitty meows. Or maybe not.

    3. A drive-by from you in your “sleigh” (El Camino) and a shout-out (HE HE HE). Just leave the little bottles in the mailbox. The peanuts and beer for you are inside.

    Thanks in advance,
    Me

    • He drives an El Camino?!?!?

      WIN!

      I wanted one. In middle school. Long before I could actually drive.

      • Did I seriously just admit to wanting an El Camino on live… internet?

        *face paw*

        • Hence (who says that?)…the crush!

        • That’s why you’re the coolest.

    • You are just soooo soooo soooo awesome. that is all.

    • Peanuts and beer instead of milk and cookies. Brilliant.

  27. I was on amazon.com and noticed that next to the DVD of Twilight, it lists the name of the actor who played buttcrack santa. (Ned something?) Seriously–buttcrack santa has FIRST BILLING on amazon.com. Love it.

    • That’s AMAZING.

  28. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    Thank you for that AMAZING Christmas card. I would like some of your “little” friends like Jack and Jim to stop at my house for Christmas. It would also be ok with me if they brought along their Crown and Grey Goose to help get the party started. That is all.

    May your buttcrack legacy live on,
    SarahG

  29. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    Pleaser send Rob some of those little bottles. I love me some DrunkRob (or DrunkRon).

    Love,
    JaneTrigs

    • Pleaser is like a REAL BIG “please”, Promise….kinda like how #goo is so much better than Good.

  30. Awwwe, the Christmas card is so nice. Buttcrack Santa is awesome. Haha, the other day I was saying something to my 6 year old sister about Santa -i forget what- but I guess I slipped and said “Buttcrack Santa” because she starts laughing loudly and saying “Buttcrack Santa” over and over… Oopsie >.<

    ~k

  31. Dear Buttcrack Santa,

    That was a really nice letter, but I’d really love it if you upped it another notch or 4 and made your own Christmas Special. Maybe the Buttcrack Santa Variety Hour? Hell, you could just dub over the voices on the standard Christmas specials we already know and love and give them a little BCS flavor (and that “flavor” comes from little bottles).

    If that’s not gonna work for you, that’s cool. I realize it’s the busy season for unemployed Santa impersonators. I suppose you really ought to just focus on making sure you get to your meetings so that you don’t violate your parole (yeah, I know about that).

    Thanks, Buttcrack Santa, for all you do. You are a national treasure.

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