Ashley Greene balances out the universe while Kellan whores it out

Sit back and relax while we let our super pregnant reader Lisa take the wheel today!!

I'm so much hotter than you

Dear Ashley,

You don’t know me at all, and that’s ok. I was one of the 500+ people who waited in line to get an autograph and picture with you when you were at the opening of New Moon in Woodridge, IL. (Where? Yeah, no kidding. We all wondered why you were there too…) But you might remember me – I was the super pregnant 25 year old (which may or may not have resulted from looking at too many Vanity Fair photo shoots). Needless to say, I stood out a little among the high school crowd there on a “field trip.” I was not, however, the 42 year old woman who was asking you to sign her TwiCon poster. That was not me…I swear. I don’t want any confusion here…..

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thanks for maintaining balance in the female world. See, you were a total b!tch to me and I find that awesome. When I tried to chat it up with you, you totally shot me down like a pro. Now, I understand that standing (or in your case sitting in a ridiculously plushy, high chair) for 5 hours signing autographs probably sucks slightly more than a 100 Monkey’s jam session. But by the time I saw you, it had only been, like 30 minutes. You weren’t that tired, I could tell. But you were stunning. Like, super-turn me into a fake lesbian, hot. So hot, in fact, that I changed my mind about the $20 picture with you and decided instead to be lame and pay you $20 to sign my book. That’s how much I didn’t want to stand next to your hotness in all my swollen-belly glory. But I digress. Truly I want to thank you. You maintained the hot-girl/ normal-girl-niceness ratio. See, you’re so gorgeous that you just can’t also be nice – it just can’t happen. It would screw things royally for us “normal” girls. We really only have our wits and kindness and moves in the sack (or behind a dumpster, you know, just in case). Hot girls have to be b!tches to maintain this delicate balance. If you were also kind, witty, and great between the sheets, the world just might implode. Or humans would cease to exist because no one would be procreating with us “normal” girls, obviously. So on behalf of “normal” girls everywhere who want to keep their boyfriend/husband/lover, I say THANK YOU!

I’d hug you but you’d probably call security,

Lisa

Did someone order a manwhore in a cliche hat?

Dear Kellan,

You were also at the Woodridge, IL theatre signing autographs and it was equally amazing. You were the Twi-whore I was hoping for (I was dreaming of my future accountability partner, really). You flirted with EVERYTHING in sight…..girls were fawning over you, and you noticed. You even said I looked beautiful (even though I am totes huge and preggers) and told my sister she had great dimples (she does, doesn’t she!). Then, you signed my book “Lisa, I love you! Kellan Lutz” **whispers** You know what? I love you too!** My husband tried to tell me that you probably wrote that in everyone’s book, but I think he’s just jealous of our not-so-secret romance. ;)

Sigh,

Lisa

Thanks Lisa! I laughed so hard at your honesty today!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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52 Responses

  1. Haha! Love it, Lisa!
    Kinda sad to hear though that Ashley was a bit of a bitch :/
    But I suppose you can’t be nice all the time. That’s how I explain my bitchness, anyways.

  2. Tis’ true Lisa, If Ashley is THAT hot (I mean that pic is THUD-errific) AND an awesome awesome person?…my life’s work would be ruined…RUINED I tell you…sob…I’ve worked hard for this personality dammit and it’s not my fault that my looks dont match up…
    Kellan Kellan Kellan…sigh…what ARE we to do with you? Lots of things in your mind apparently…lol. He loves all of us..one crazy fangirl at a time…mmmmmm :D

    Low self-esteem cookie (too much dough…not enuff choc chips)
    Morning everybody!

    The hamster is pleased cause her BFF gave her lots of shout-outs on SNL. Cookies, LOTR hence NZ, and “My heart belongs to another”. Reba = Bear= Panda= sad=ME!!!
    Yes I AM a pathetic 12 yr old with a Jacob folder i make out with…why do u ask? xD

    • Morning ILWL.. :)

      • *sings* Mooooorniiiing!!!

        I missed you!!! I yelled for u on twitter after SNL but u werent around…sniff!…did u see it?
        Wanna raspberry chocolate cookie to celebrate BFF’s performance? (i heard its his fave LOL) muah!

        • Would love one..but I am still on a diet! So you eat it for me! :) I couldn’t get my Twitter or computer to work last night therefore I was on my lonesome…. sad puppy face…

          • oh noes! not the sad puppy face…Imma be here and on twitter all day…cause i have no life…so no sad puppies, or im gonna have to bust out my sad panda out of the green bamboo…and it wont be pretty LOL

    • P.S.- Had a blast *watching* SNL with you! Two words… wait for it… wait for it… The. Thrusting.

      • The. Thrusting. *sigh*

      • Oh Toooosday…I <3 u so much for "watching" it with me. Imma say it now and imma say it again when the "official post" comes out…THE THRUSTING…(u know u make me smile everytime with that one right?) My love for future BFF cannot be restricted to just one post…sigh…
        *offers Rasperry Chocolate cookie* muah!

      • Gasp!! Thrusting?? Must watch recording NOW!!

  3. kellans a whore and god do we love him for it

  4. i’m feeling a little inadequate here. am i the only one that doesn’t find Ashley hot? i mean she’s pretty but she doesn’t make me want to be lesbian -real lesbian-. And Kellan is totally what i expected…a Tom Cruise in the making, except for the superstar part. flirting, fake laughing with everything, everyone, being the nicest, or maybe he really is that way..

    ps:always that someone has an encounter with Ashley they always say the same thing…bitchy to the max..mmm..

    • I don´t understand why people like her at all? she is very pretty – obviously – but has she EVER said anything remotely funny or interesting in an interview?? or acted above average? she says mainstream boring things, likes nickelback and do maxim covers? eew. if you compare to bitchy kristen she at least has a brain and dresses cool. I´d go fake lesbian with her any day over ashley. hey, I´d do nikki over ashley even. (or … wait … hmmm …)

  5. Weird, we’ll have to cross check with Chelsea who has run into Ash a couple times. Once in a bathroom after Comic con.
    Kellan just seems adorable.

    Great letters Lisa!!

  6. Lisa,

    Great letter BTW. I do appreciate your honesty. I am so HAPPY to hear that Asshley has the WHOLE package, i.e. Bitch and Beauty. I am sure that is hard to obtain. What a wonderful fan you are to completely understand the sacrifices Asshley made that day at the book signing. I can only imagine how tough it is to sit in a plush chair all day with your Sharpie. Having done the super-duper big pregnant woman thing a few times, I also know how simple it is to stand on your feet for hours at a time. It’s cake compared to Asshley’s job.

    Congrats on meeting Mr. Lutz. He can boost my low self-esteem any day. Beauty and Kindness.

  7. Can it be so? Beauty and Bitchy? There goes my whole “she seems so sweet” impression down the toliet…ah well its good to know the truth tho sometimes it hurts…however where does that leave me? Bitchy and butt ugly??
    Then there is sweet Kellan…ahh..he never lets us down…true man whore all the way…and that smile…yup gotta love him….cause he already luvs us right?
    Good Sunday Morning everyone!

  8. I KNEW it! I knew she had to be a turbo bitch. Although she is a bitch, she still gets to bump uglies with dudes like Jared Followill and Ian Somerhalder. Where is the justice?

  9. the only gorgeous hot celebrity girl I met that was absolutely nice and sweet at the same time is Taylor Swift. I met her at the chicago concert backstage when ILWL’s BFF was there, he was gorgeous and nice as well. He talked to several of us and had the nicest smile and laugh, but it was kinda obvious he was pretty gone on Swifty, couldnt keep his eyes off her and they were pretty touchy/feely with each other.

    I’m sort of surprised Ashley is kinda a bitch, she looks like she’d be nice and friendly but you never can tell.

    • awww…I <3 u…u enabler…lol. Wanna cookie? :D

      • is it an abs-baked cookie? sure I’ll take it thank you very much

  10. Okay, so, this is kind of unrelated, but Ashley’s acting a bitch made something click in my head. Tiger Woods has been in the news a lot lately for his “indiscretions.” Now, Tiger Wood’s wife is gorgeous. Almost gorgeous enough to take the “fake” out of “fake lesbian.” Tiger still stepped out on her, multiple times, with overly-made up cocktail waitresses.

    Taking together 1) Ashley’s bitchiness and 2) Mrs. Woods cheating husband, it makes me conclude that being gorgeous isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Men will still leave you and probably won’t have developed enough personality to be able to keep around one who won’t.

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m embracing my averageness.

    • You are faaaaaaaar from average dammit!…I should know…now nuff said…dont make me sad panda all over u…U wuldnt like me when I sad panda…LOL

    • i love this, tuesday; and i think you’re right.

  11. There is a part of me that wants to meet Kellan at a TwiCon near me while wearing sweats with holes, a worn sweatshirt with splattered oil stains, my ugly back-up glasses, with unwashed, unbrushed hair, and during PMS when there are usually a couple zits to be found somewhere on my chin. Or I could just draw some on.

    I would love to see him searching for the words to flatter me. Then I’d be impressed.

  12. “You maintained the hot-girl/ normal-girl-niceness ratio” = brilliant

    BTW, what’s wrong with a 42 yo wanting a Twi-con poster signed.? Totes normal.

    Loved your stuff, Lisa and hope you are well.

    • Yeah, I agree, none of that age-ism.

      Where did your “K” go?

      • I’m leaving the “K” off, in an effort to be a little more anonymous…yeah that’ll work.

        Thanks for noticing and asking Old One.

        • Your secret’s safe with me! Especially since I don’t know what it is in the first place!

      • It really wasn’t the age thing that was second-hand embarassing…this lady was like one iron-on patch away from being a Pattinson Pants/Cullen Capri lady’s arch nemesis. :)

  13. Man… although it HAD to be true (due to all the balance thing) I was still mildly hoping that Ashley wasn’t a total bitch. At least Kellan was the apparent manwhore he seems to be (which I love). Did anyone see his little interaction with a group of fans in the audience of Jimmy Kimmel? The fans had shirts, each with one of the letters in his name, sitting in formation.

    Kellan: Did you spell it with an “A”?
    Fans: Yeah…
    Kellan: I love you!
    Fans: We love you!!!!!
    Kellan: I love you more!!

    Obviously love that he is like that. Can you imagine if he had taken the role of Edward? Would have gotten big LOLz from that.

    I was also going to comment about Taylor on SNL, but I sense that an official post about it must be bubbling into life somewhere, :P

    • Moonbun,
      I hope you are right and there is an offical post bubbling into life re: Tay Tay on SNL.

      • There must be… UC & Moon are just probably watching the tape over and over, so that they can break it down properly for the rest of us to comment along, :D

  14. I was at a mall in San Francisco the day that Ashley and Kellan were there. I was just beginning to explore my love for Twilight at the time and still had no idea who those people were. Looking back on it now I’m bummed that I didn’t wait in line to see this first hand. Thanks for making me feel like I was almost there!

  15. Completely off the subject but……….why can’t I EVER see my avatar? Just curious.

    • Hey kitkat, I can see ur avatar in my e-mail (good choice btw) but not here (sad panda) Try clearing ur internet cache…It usually shows up after that…hope it works! *crosses fingers*

      • This is going to sound so dumb but how do I do that? Sorry.And THANKS for all the help guys! :)

        • Yay! I figured it out all be little lonesome! Thanks IWL. I’ve been asking and asking and you are the first to actually give me answer that worked! Thanks again.

          • sorry luv…didnt see ur comment till now…hurray!!! Tay it is!!! I tried doing a Tay avatar and was told that i was unrecognisable…teehee…will look for u for a Tay hit every day…xoxo

    • I can see your avatar here, Wileykitkat (btw, love the name). Your avatar is blue with pointed cat-like ears, and a spring for a body.

      • She’s changed it to a GQ pic of Tay…thats the one I see on my e-mail and not here :)

        • Wish I could see the Tay pic. here.

          • Until we can see it Mountain Lion..this is her pic….(yes..I googled it and now right clicked and saved lo…shamelessl)

          • IWL, Thanks! Love that tasty photo of Taylor. Did you hear that Taylor is the new Giorgio Armani cover boy? Go Tay-Tay.

            Thanks again.
            me

          • No probs…I would love to see him in Armani…not like Beckham though ::shudder:: but a suit? naaaiiiice…

  16. You know it is good that Ashley wasn’t the total package, Rob had ruined other men for me…of course he is also like Halleys Comet, a guy like him only comes along every 75 years or so!

    I adore Kellan, I’ve said it before he like that gorgeous best guy friend a lot of us have, you hang out, you talk, you do “stuff” and occassionally he wakes up next to you wearing your panties and you both can’t remember what the hell happened, so you reiterate your rule never to mix you, him & martinis.

    PS- I am a little bummed that Ashley wasn’t pleasant to you…

    PPS-Hey Kellan… come and charm me.. please.. I’m needing a little ego boost! :)

  17. Great letter Lisa. The one to Ashley had me especially LOLing. :)

    Side note to the fandom: The Twi-virgin I deflowered… we went to see New Moon last night!! As I was driving her home she was saying she needed to read the books. I offered mine for a loan but told her she’d probably want to buy them at some point cause she’d totally want to reread them. Long story short, rather than turn left into her driveway, I turned right and drove back to Meijer (which is one street over from the theater) and she bought Twilight and New Moon! Woo Hoo!!

    • ColdWoman~

      Congrats on the deflowering. I deflowered my hair stylist in October and she’s never been the same, but she is my only convert. So sad.

      Meijer? Does that mean you live in Michigan?

      not a stalker,
      mountainlion

      • I only have one convert too. :(

        And since you’re not a stalker, yes, I do live in Michigan. Actually, not super far from Meijer HQ.

  18. I met Ashley once under unexpected circumstances and I thought she was so nice! At one point I didn’t realize that I hadn’t introduced myself, and she held out her hand and asked me what my name was. Even her “people” were nice and for some reason I always imagined entourages to be the mean ones. I’m glad to hear that Kellan didn’t disappoint, though! I wonder just how he has so much energy! He really seems like one of those people that are bubbly like all the time.

    Anyway congratulations on your baby Lisa! I always see the cutest baby stuff but I have no reason and no one to buy them for, especially all these cute Twilight onesies I just saw online while Christmas shopping for friends!

    • I always thought Ashley was nice. I guess you just can’t have a conversation with everyone while signing autographs cause the other people would probably be kind of pissed.

  19. What a biatch! Hugely preggers fan stands waiting for you for ages & not only do you not offer her your plushy chair while you cluck over her & see what you can do to reward such devotion, you’re actually mean. Cow bag!

    Good looks ain’t good for the soul….mostly.

  20. hey!
    she was just tired okey
    she doesnt want to let anyone to notice okey!
    don’t be so emo with that!
    and you people you should understand……
    maybe you should try it yourself…
    to see if its rely tiring
    and then comment back
    and yeah
    ihate people talking bad about ashley
    shes incredeble nice person…………

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