Did you know that last night I threw a surprise 1 year anniversary party for UC and Moon? No I bet you didn’t. Know why? Cus I didn’t invite any of you. Know why? because I couldn’t afford the insurance it would have cost me to have people like Rob and Kellan and Taylor (especially Taylor) in the party with all you hungrily trying to get your piece. That’s right. I didn’t need Chris Hansen showing up at my attempt at a classy shindig for Moon and UC to celebrate Letters to Rob and Letters To Twilight’s 1st year anniversary. ‘Cus nothing dampers a party like implications of attempting to lure someone who’s underage into your bed. Anyways, the Twilight gang showed up. I know right? Amazing. Of course Jackson wasn’t there. I’m still not sure why… someone said something about a bad review of 100 monkeys and him “never getting past it”… psh. Whatever. We know things Jackson… Just be grateful we keep our mouths shut. So I got a chance to speak to some of the cast before they headed into the party… and I’ve got to say… they are ALL lovely. for the most part. sort of….
The first one on the carpet is Ashley… and she’s posing… she’s doing her best Susan Lucci and you’ve gotta love the girl for trying. Always the doll, she saunters over to me for a quick interview.
Calliope: Ashley! Hey you look amazing… for once! okay twice maybe! who are you wearing?
Ashley: Who am I doing? well tonight I’m doing a Followhill brother. Or maybe chase crawford… crap what city am I in? That’s how I decide.
Calliope: I said who are you wearing not who are you doing.
Ashley: Oh? what? sorry I got distracted by Nikki’s lame’ dress…
Calliope: Right… anyways…so why are you here tonight? Why support LTT/LTR?
Ashley: Well like I’ve said before… even though we all claim to not read the internet or worry over gossip about ourselves we actually REALLY REALLY love it. One of our favorite places to drop by is LTT. Kristen seems to also like LTR for some reason… I think it’s because she’s doing Rob. Anyways, the one day I was reading the site and it struck me… these girls REALLY get me. They’d written something about my purity ring and I mean… they get it. It’s totally cool to flaunt ones sexual assets without actually doing it. Men respect that. Men want that. And I’ve had plenty of men. And the ring was totally a symbol of me re-saving it for Jackson. And they just knew!
Calliope: Your talking about your purity ring right Ashley?
Calliope: The purity ring you are noticeably not wearing right now.
Ashley: Umm… oh… well… *laughs nervously* look at that… hrm… ahh…
Calliope: I’m guessing Jackson’s not getting the re-saving anymore is he…
Ashley: Oh look at the time…. nice meeting you…
Ashley stalks off… because she is clearly wanting to be ogled and i think she may have tried to flash her panties for just a little more attention. Right on her heels though is the gorgeous Kellan.
Kellan: *flashes his million watt smile and it takes me just a few moments to understand where I am* Hello gorgeous.
Calliope: Ummm… err…. uhhh…. hi.
Kellan: *smiling… and waiting….*
Calliope: Oh right. huh. yea. you want me to ask you a question. Why?!
Kellan: *amused* why what doll?
Calliope: why… uh… here?
Kellan: Why am I here?
Calliope: *shakes head… gulps*
Kellan: Well at first I was apprehensive. It’s hard to live in the shadow of Rob and well, UC and Moon, they’ve got some serious Rob loving going on. but then I remembered the one post I read. and I knelt in prayer and knew what I had to do. So I’m here seeking forgiveness.
Calliope: forgiveness? *turns on sexy voice* what could hunky, desirable, sex-a-licious you *CallI runs a finger up Kellan’s chest* have possibly done wrong?
Kellan: please don’t do that. I am a person. Not just a hunk of man-meat for you to stare at.
Calliope: *clears throat* umm… yes… sorry… of course not.
Kellan: thank you.
Calliope: so you were saying… you are here for forgiveness.
Kellan: *hangs head in shame* yes… I want to ask UC and Moon to forgive me for causing them to have impure thoughts in their youth. It was never my intention. *begins to tear up* Abercrombie lured me in with their plaids and catchy phrases… *lets out a huge sub* I DIDN”T KNOW! I SWEAR I DIDN’T KNOW!
Calliope: *feels awkward* umm… of course not Kellan. *pats him lightly* there there.
Kellan: excuse me *runs away bawling*
Kellan runs away bawling… and who should saunter up behind him but the joy of my existence. (Read the rest, after the jump)
Calliope: How do you know who i am.
Nikki: Ohhhhh I KNOW ALLL about who you are.
Calliope: Well then. No need for sugar.
Calliope: You look lovely tonight by the way.
Nikki: Shut Up Bit… wait WHAT?
Calliope: I said you look lovely. Very HEALTHY. And the Gold Lame’ with all those diamonds really does add to the Showiness of the entire outfit. Makes it hard to Miss you.
Nikki: Are you nicely insulting me?
Calliope: ME?!? never. So, why are you here?
Nikki: I’d like to set the record straight with UC and Moon on a few things.
Calliope: Well, how very like you to use a celebration for others to draw attention to yourself. *SMILES*
Nikki: I just want to clear up the air. i AM NOT a fake lesbian like UC and Moon are writing on and on about.
Calliope: So you are a real lesbian?
Calliope: So you aren’t a lesbian?
Nikki: And i want to clear up about my smoking and looking disgusting. they can’t just WRITE stuff like that. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.
Calliope: Well, i mean, let’s be honest Nikki you didn’t look your best there.
Nikki: I was going through something?
Calliope: What- you mean finding out that your best friend and the boy you thought would eventually love you if you just wore sneakers and hoodies enough were actually falling for each other and didn’t really want you in their life?
Nikki: Exactly. NO! EFF YOU. I MEAN NO. It was other things.
Calliope: lamenting that Hardiwick has become somewhat insane and can no longer cast you in roles as a favor?
Nikki: That Too. NO! CRAP! Not that. Other, Other things?
Calliope: Were you future-lamenting the crabs you were going to get from your boyfriend Paris?
Nikki: You know what…. EFF YOU.
Calliope: Awe come on Nikki. Just messing with you. *SMILES*
Nikki: *WHINES* I am a nice person!
Calliope: of course you are hun… let’s hug it out. We are ALL nice people… *nikki leaves* in our imaginations.
I quickly douse myself in rubbing alcohol to rid me of the Paris Lastis germs that have inevitably crept onto my skin while I silently pray they haven’t seeped into my pores damning me for life. As I do this… a rather intoxicated looking Elizabeth stumbles down the carpet…
Calliope:*trying to get Liz’s attention* LIz! Liz! a moment of your time?!
Elizabeth: *yells from her humping position* What?!
Calliope: Why are you here to celebrate the anniversary of LTT/LTR?
Elizabeth: Do you even know who i am?!
Calliope: OF COURSE!!! you are elizabeth reaser! Esme Cullen!
Elizabeth: *drunkenly slurring* Well… that makes like 12 freakin people! I’m in the movies dammit!
Calliope: So you want more recognition?
Elizabeth: YES! I want them to write about ME!
Calliope: they do… i think… maybe… on sundays?
Elizabeth: *turns head to look at the guy she’s holding onto* Who are you? Are you famous? If we make out will people know who i am? Let’s try!
Liz drunkenly makes out with the man as she makes her way down the carpet. As I watch her train wreck down the red carpet my team of guys (yes apparently I’ve got a team on the red carpet with me) throws a box down in front of me and I just know who’s coming next.
Taylor: Hi! Thanks for coming out to interview me about my new Summit Entertainment Movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I’m Taylor Lautner and I’m so excited to be here in support of Letters to Twilight on behalf of my wonderful employer Summit Entertainment who has allowed me the gracious appear in the phenomenal movie The Twilight Saga New Moon.
Calliope: Umm Taylor, love, you don’t have to puppet tonight! This party’s all about celebrating LTT and LTR who are DEFINITELY not Summit approved!
Calliope: yep you heard correctly. So really Taylor… why are you here?
Taylor: Well I was on the site yesterday. I saw that pic of UC and Moon… AND I KNOW how they feel about this *rubs his hands down his abs* I’m about to make all their fantasies come true.
Calliope: Oh? OHHHHH. well then, I should tell you.. did you see they are wearing those same party dresses again tonight?
Taylor: *turns and looks at UC & Moon* OH YES THEY ARE!
Calliope: WAIT! What about Chris Hansen, Taylor? I need UC and Moon to not be in the slammer.
Taylor: I’ve got the Summit Jet tonight. I KNOW where I’m legal. and I KNOW THEY KNOW where I’m legal.
Calliope: You wouldn’t…
Taylor: Georgia here we come baby.
Calliope: Wow… just …. okay then. Go get em tiger.
Taylor: Oh I will…
Taylor quickly pulls off his shirt and runs in the direction of UC and Moon. I think I see him start to pull down his pants to reveal jorts but I can’t be sure of it… because I’m quickly distracted by the sounds of a throat clearing in front of me.
Kristen: Umm… Hi.
Calliope: Stew! *I begin to fangirl* Omg! Hi! Wow! Omg! Awesome to meet you!
Kristen: *smiles* Thank you!
Calliope: So let me cut to the chase… why are you here tonight?! You know sometimes people think LTT is only full of Kristen Hate!?
Kristen: Awe no man… those bitches are funny as hell. I get that they’re just f*cking around. It’s totally cool. I get it.
Calliope: Really? I mean… it doesn’t bother you at all?
Kristen: No.. really. I mean… they had a love letter on here once.
Calliope: yea… I wrote that.
Kristen: Oh. Well hey thanks man! And like they asked what kinda boyfriend Rob was… which was sweet because they totally acknowledged that he might be my boyfriend… even though I WILL NEVER tell.
Calliope: yeah… ah… I sorta gave them the idea for that post.
Kristen: Oh. huh. well… they totally wrote me a guide to how to juggle two guys when I really didn’t need it because I don’t even see Michael anymore so that was totally sweet of them…
Calliope: Yeah.. I guess that was them being nice to you.
Kristen: And they said I’m gonna make a great stripper…
Calliope: They did didn’t they! Maybe they do love you! In their own special way! So that’s it… that’s why you are here? just to support them?! That’s awesome.
Kristen: *gives a sidelong glance at Rob*
Calliope: … or maybe it’s not the only reason.
Kristen: *sighs* okay that’s not the only reason. I mean… dude… they have an ENTIRE WEBSITE devoted to Rob.
Kristen: I’ve gotta keep an eye on them… you know…
Calliope: because… you and Rob are dating. And in love?
Kristen: *glares at me* I’ll NEVER… NEVERRRRRR….
Kristen slowly backs away. she has made her point.. and she seems to sigh in relief just the slightest bit when she sees UC & Moon grazing their hands up and down Taylor’s abs. But it doesn’t even matter to me anymore. Because HE is in front of me.
Calliope: *swallows the lump in her throat* Rob. Robert. Robert Pattinson. *breathes in* I cannot believe it. This is. Just… Amazing.
Rob: *awkwardly* uhh… yeah… thank you.
Calliope: So tell me Rob… why are you here celebrating the anniversary of Letters to Twilight and … well.. more importantly Letters to Rob?
Rob: *bashfully* I’m actually quite interested in learning about who these wonderful, albeit slightly obsessive, women are. they’ve done so much to show me love. You don’t know how many times I’ve come to their sight to give myself a … what do they call it? A cullen smile.
Calliope: *tears up* That’s lovely Rob.
Rob: well that and I wanted to demand that they hand over all the fan mail people send to them for me. It’s quite annoying not getting all your deserved praise…
Calliope: umm… okay…
Rob: and I wanted to talk to them about a few other things… how they go about breaking things down… if they really think i’d have a shot at being a cabana boy… what all this talk is about my affinity for Dad-like items… What other articles of clothing they’d like to see me in… Why they never reveal who they are when they meet me… hey is that? *looks at me with big, shocked eyes* is that… that’s a … a lobster on your pin isn’t it?
Calliope: *quietly* Maybe…
I look up and our eyes meet
Rob: *a shocked whisper* Calli?
Calliope: yes Rob, it’s me.
Rob: *he grasps my hand* Is it really you?
Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.
Calliope: umm… nothing… forget I said that.
Rob: no you said something. it sounded vaguely familiar.
Calliope: It’s nothing… FOCUS… you were GAZING into my eyes. Because I’m CALLI… your LOBSTER. FOCUS.
Rob: My lobster?
Calliope: yes.. your long lost love? the woman you’ve been waiting for? The woman you’ve been secretly sending signals too since JUNE to grab my attention?!?
Rob: oh yea… no I haven’t.
Calliope: what are you talking about? You wore the lobster hat! then ate the lobster! then wore the lobster bib! then said in an interview that you wanted to be Flounder but really meant SEBASTIAN from the LITTLE MERMAIDS and he’s a LOBSTER… you’ve been screaming LOBSTER for the past 6months!
Rob: I like crustaceans? and I saw your pic the one day and realized… she likes crustaceans too!
Calliope: so you… don’t… want me?
Rob: No. I don’t want you.
Calliope: *cries* then why… why the signs.
Rob: I told you… I like crustaceans… oh… and I wanted to ask you one thing.
Calliope: *looks up… hopeful* Anything.
Rob: how do you know all those things that Kristen says to me? its eerie.
Before i have a chance to answer him EVIL PR LADY whisks him away… never to be seen again for the rest of the night. And its done. Well the interesting part. The party rages on into the night.. with people getting appropriately drunk. I’ve had my fill of Rootbeer vodka and am not sure I’m seeing what I’m seeing… or should even speak about what I’m seeing… but it was a party to remember… I’ll tell you that much. but I’ll NEVER… NEVVERR… go into details.
Toodles for now betches. hearts. Calli.
This, my friends, was called Twilight Theatre. It is something I beg Calliope to do at least once a week. She usually refuses because she’s cruel (and something about studying to get into law school, while working full time and baking turkeys and stuff.. whatever) So if you loved it, make sure to follow her on twitter- CalliopeBlabs- because every time she tweets it’s like a mini Twi-theatre! Thank you for saving my ass last night, Calliope, when I was too stuffed with that cake you got me to be creative or funny. XO
Check back later today for another special post- It’s anniversary week, y’all!!!
Thanks to Lion and Lamb for all the pics!
Filed under: Ashley Greene, chris weitz, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan, Kristen, LTT, Nikki Reed, Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Twilight, Twilight Theater Tagged: | Ashley Greene, Big, CalliopeBlabs, chris weitz, Dilf, Elizabeth Reaser, Encino Man, fake lesbians, Jorts, kellan lutz, Kristen Stewart, nikki reed, Paris Lastis, Robert Pattinson, Sex and the City, Taylor Lautner, Twilight Theater