The Twilight cast celebrates LTT’s 1 year anniversary

Dear LTTers,

Did you know that last night I threw a surprise 1 year anniversary party for UC and Moon? No I bet you didn’t. Know why? Cus I didn’t invite any of you. Know why? because I couldn’t afford the insurance it would have cost me to have people like Rob and Kellan and Taylor (especially Taylor) in the party with all you hungrily trying to get your piece. That’s right. I didn’t need Chris Hansen showing up at my attempt at a classy shindig for Moon and UC to celebrate Letters to Rob and Letters To Twilight’s 1st year anniversary. ‘Cus nothing dampers a party like implications of attempting to lure someone who’s underage into your bed. Anyways, the Twilight gang showed up. I know right? Amazing. Of course Jackson wasn’t there. I’m still not sure why… someone said something about a bad review of 100 monkeys and him “never getting past it”… psh. Whatever. We know things Jackson… Just be grateful we keep our mouths shut. So I got a chance to speak to some of the cast before they headed into the party… and I’ve got to say… they are ALL lovely. for the most part. sort of….

The first one on the carpet is Ashley… and she’s posing… she’s doing her best Susan Lucci and you’ve gotta love the girl for trying. Always the doll, she saunters over to me for a quick interview.

Why don't you ask me important things.. like why my hair is glittering like it's 1999?

Calliope: Ashley! Hey you look amazing… for once! okay twice maybe! who are you wearing?
Ashley: Who am I doing? well tonight I’m doing a Followhill brother. Or maybe chase crawford… crap what city am I in? That’s how I decide.
Calliope: I said who are you wearing not who are you doing.
Ashley: Oh? what? sorry I got distracted by Nikki’s lame’ dress…
Calliope: Right… anyways…so why are you here tonight? Why support LTT/LTR?
Ashley: Well like I’ve said before… even though we all claim to not read the internet or worry over gossip about ourselves we actually REALLY REALLY love it. One of our favorite places to drop by is LTT. Kristen seems to also like LTR for some reason… I think it’s because she’s doing Rob. Anyways, the one day I was reading the site and it struck me… these girls REALLY get me. They’d written something about my purity ring and I mean… they get it. It’s totally cool to flaunt ones sexual assets without actually doing it. Men respect that. Men want that. And I’ve had plenty of men. And the ring was totally a symbol of me re-saving it for Jackson. And they just knew!
Calliope: Your talking about your purity ring right Ashley?
Ashley: Yes.
Calliope: The purity ring you are noticeably not wearing right now.
Ashley: Umm… oh… well… *laughs nervously* look at that… hrm… ahh…
Calliope: I’m guessing Jackson’s not getting the re-saving anymore is he…
Ashley: Oh look at the time…. nice meeting you…

Ashley stalks off… because she is clearly wanting to be ogled and i think she may have tried to flash her panties for just a little more attention. Right on her heels though is the gorgeous Kellan.

Hey Calli, baby...

Kellan: *flashes his million watt smile and it takes me just a few moments to understand where I am* Hello gorgeous.
Calliope: Ummm… err…. uhhh…. hi.
Kellan: *smiling… and waiting….*
Calliope: Oh right. huh. yea. you want me to ask you a question. Why?!
Kellan: *amused* why what doll?
Calliope:  why… uh… here?
Kellan:  Why am I here?
Calliope: *shakes head… gulps*
Kellan:  Well at first I was apprehensive. It’s hard to live in the shadow of Rob and well, UC and Moon, they’ve got some serious Rob loving going on. but then I remembered the one post I read. and I knelt in prayer and knew what I had to do. So I’m here seeking forgiveness.
Calliope: forgiveness? *turns on sexy voice* what could hunky, desirable, sex-a-licious you *CallI runs a finger up Kellan’s chest* have possibly done wrong?
Kellan: please don’t do that. I am a person. Not just a hunk of man-meat for you to stare at.
Calliope: *clears throat* umm… yes… sorry… of course not.
Kellan: thank you.
Calliope: so you were saying… you are here for forgiveness.
Kellan: *hangs head in shame* yes… I want to ask UC and Moon to forgive me for causing them to have impure thoughts in their youth. It was never my intention. *begins to tear up* Abercrombie lured me in with their plaids and catchy phrases… *lets out a huge sub* I DIDN”T KNOW! I SWEAR I DIDN’T KNOW!
Calliope: *feels awkward* umm… of course not Kellan. *pats him lightly* there there.
Kellan:  excuse me *runs away bawling*

Kellan runs away bawling… and who should saunter up behind him but the joy of my existence. (Read the rest, after the jump)

Hey guys. It's me and not a euro-trash version of me

Calliope: Nikki.
Nikki: Calli.
Calliope: How do you know who i am.
Nikki: Ohhhhh I KNOW ALLL about who you are.
Calliope: Well then. No need for sugar.
Nikki: Nope.
Calliope: You look lovely tonight by the way.
Nikki: Shut Up Bit… wait WHAT?
Calliope: I said you look lovely. Very HEALTHY. And the Gold Lame’ with all those diamonds really does add to the Showiness of the entire outfit. Makes it hard to Miss you.
Nikki: Are you nicely insulting me?
Calliope: ME?!? never. So, why are you here?
Nikki: I’d like to set the record straight with UC and Moon on a few things.
Calliope: Well, how very like you to use a celebration for others to draw attention to yourself. *SMILES*
Nikki: I just want to clear up the air. i AM NOT a fake lesbian like UC and Moon are writing on and on about.
Calliope: So you are a real lesbian?
Nikki: No!
Calliope: So you aren’t a lesbian?
Nikki: And i want to clear up about my smoking and looking disgusting. they can’t just WRITE stuff like that. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.
Calliope: Well, i mean, let’s be honest Nikki you didn’t look your best there.
Nikki: I was going through something?
Calliope: What- you mean finding out that your best friend and the boy you thought would eventually love you if you just wore sneakers and hoodies enough were actually falling for each other and didn’t really want you in their life?
Nikki: Exactly. NO! EFF YOU. I MEAN NO. It was other things.
Calliope: lamenting that Hardiwick has become somewhat insane and can no longer cast you in roles as a favor?
Nikki: That Too. NO! CRAP! Not that. Other, Other things?
Calliope: Were you future-lamenting the crabs you were going to get from your boyfriend Paris?
Nikki: You know what…. EFF YOU.
Calliope: Awe come on Nikki. Just messing with you. *SMILES*
Nikki: *WHINES* I am a nice person!
Calliope: of course you are hun… let’s hug it out. We are ALL nice people… *nikki leaves* in our imaginations.

I quickly douse myself in rubbing alcohol to rid me of the Paris Lastis germs that have inevitably crept onto my skin while I silently pray they haven’t seeped into my pores damning me for life. As I do this… a rather intoxicated looking Elizabeth stumbles down the carpet…

Are you Big from Sex in the City? Or that guy from Encino Man?

Calliope:*trying to get Liz’s attention* LIz! Liz! a moment of your time?!
Elizabeth: *yells from her humping position* What?!
Calliope: Why are you here to celebrate the anniversary of LTT/LTR?
Elizabeth:  Do you even know who i am?!
Calliope: OF COURSE!!! you are elizabeth reaser! Esme Cullen!
Elizabeth: *drunkenly slurring* Well… that makes like 12 freakin people! I’m in the movies dammit!
Calliope: So you want more recognition?
Elizabeth: YES! I want them to write about ME!
Calliope: they do… i think… maybe… on sundays?
Elizabeth: *turns head to look at the guy she’s holding onto* Who are you? Are you famous? If we make out will people know who i am? Let’s try!

Liz drunkenly makes out with the man as she makes her way down the carpet. As I watch her train wreck down the red carpet my team of guys (yes apparently I’ve got a team on the red carpet with me) throws a box down in front of me and I just know who’s coming next.

Come to Georgia...

Calliope: Taylor!!!!!!
Taylor: Hi! Thanks for coming out to interview me about my new Summit Entertainment Movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I’m Taylor Lautner and I’m so excited to be here in support of Letters to Twilight on behalf of my wonderful employer Summit Entertainment who has allowed me the gracious appear in the phenomenal movie The Twilight Saga New Moon.
Calliope: Umm Taylor, love, you don’t have to puppet tonight! This party’s all about celebrating LTT and LTR who are DEFINITELY not Summit approved!
Taylor: what?
Calliope: yep you heard correctly. So really Taylor… why are you here?
Taylor: Well I was on the site yesterday. I saw that pic of UC and Moon… AND I KNOW how they feel about this *rubs his hands down his abs* I’m about to make all their fantasies come true.

GA here we come!

Calliope: Oh? OHHHHH. well then, I should tell you.. did you see they are wearing those same party dresses again tonight?
Taylor: *turns and looks at UC & Moon* OH YES THEY ARE!
Calliope: WAIT! What about Chris Hansen, Taylor? I need UC and Moon to not be in the slammer.
Taylor: I’ve got the Summit Jet tonight. I KNOW where I’m legal. and I KNOW THEY KNOW where I’m legal.
Calliope: You wouldn’t…
Taylor: Georgia here we come baby.
Calliope: Wow… just …. okay then. Go get em tiger.
Taylor: Oh I will…

Taylor quickly pulls off his shirt and runs in the direction of UC and Moon. I think I see him start to pull down his pants to reveal jorts but I can’t be sure of it… because I’m quickly distracted by the sounds of a throat clearing in front of me.

Kristen: Umm… Hi.
Calliope: Stew! *I begin to fangirl* Omg! Hi! Wow! Omg! Awesome to meet you!
Kristen: *smiles* Thank you!
Calliope: So let me cut to the chase… why are you here tonight?! You know sometimes people think LTT is only full of Kristen Hate!?
Kristen: Awe no man… those bitches are funny as hell. I get that they’re just f*cking around. It’s totally cool. I get it.
Calliope: Really? I mean… it doesn’t bother you at all?
Kristen: No.. really. I mean… they had a love letter on here once.
Calliope: yea… I wrote that.
Kristen: Oh. Well hey thanks man! And like they asked what kinda boyfriend Rob was… which was sweet because they totally acknowledged that he might be my boyfriend… even though I WILL NEVER tell.
Calliope: yeah… ah… I sorta gave them the idea for that post.
Kristen: Oh. huh. well… they totally wrote me a guide to how to juggle two guys when I really didn’t need it because I don’t even see Michael anymore so that was totally sweet of them…

No reason...

Calliope: Yeah.. I guess that was them being nice to you.
Kristen: And they said I’m gonna make a great stripper
Calliope: They did didn’t they! Maybe they do love you! In their own special way! So that’s it… that’s why you are here? just to support them?! That’s awesome.
Kristen: *gives a sidelong glance at Rob*
Calliope: … or maybe it’s not the only reason.
Kristen: *sighs* okay that’s not the only reason. I mean… dude… they have an ENTIRE WEBSITE devoted to Rob.
Calliope: ohhhhh
Kristen: I’ve gotta keep an eye on them… you know…
Calliope: because… you and Rob are dating. And in love?
Kristen: *glares at me* I’ll NEVER… NEVERRRRRR….

Kristen slowly backs away. she has made her point.. and she seems to sigh in relief just the slightest bit when she sees UC & Moon grazing their hands up and down Taylor’s abs. But it doesn’t even matter to me anymore. Because HE is in front of me.

Calliope: *swallows the lump in her throat* Rob. Robert. Robert Pattinson. *breathes in* I cannot believe it. This is. Just… Amazing.
Rob: *awkwardly* uhh… yeah… thank you.
Calliope: So tell me Rob… why are you here celebrating the anniversary of Letters to Twilight and … well.. more importantly Letters to Rob?
Rob: *bashfully* I’m actually quite interested in learning about who these wonderful, albeit slightly obsessive, women are. they’ve done so much to show me love. You don’t know how many times I’ve come to their sight to give myself a … what do they call it? A cullen smile.
Calliope: *tears up* That’s lovely Rob.
Rob: well that and I wanted to demand that they hand over all the fan mail people send to them for me. It’s quite annoying not getting all your deserved praise…
Calliope: umm… okay…
Rob: and I wanted to talk to them about a few other things… how they go about breaking things down… if they really think i’d have a shot at being a cabana boy… what all this talk is about my affinity for Dad-like items… What other articles of clothing they’d like to see me in… Why they never reveal who they are when they meet me… hey is that? *looks at me with big, shocked eyes* is that… that’s a … a lobster on your pin isn’t it?

Calli!?

Calliope: *quietly* Maybe…
I look up and our eyes meet
Rob: *a shocked whisper* Calli?
Calliope: yes Rob, it’s me.
Rob: *he grasps my hand* Is it really you?
Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.
Rob: what?
Calliope: umm… nothing… forget I said that.
Rob: no you said something. it sounded vaguely familiar.
Calliope: It’s nothing… FOCUS… you were GAZING into my eyes. Because I’m CALLI… your LOBSTER. FOCUS.
Rob: My lobster?
Calliope: yes.. your long lost love? the woman you’ve been waiting for? The woman you’ve been secretly sending signals too since JUNE to grab my attention?!?
Rob: oh yea… no I haven’t.
Calliope: what are you talking about? You wore the lobster hat! then ate the lobster! then wore the lobster bib! then said in an interview that you wanted to be Flounder but really meant SEBASTIAN from the LITTLE MERMAIDS and he’s a LOBSTER… you’ve been screaming LOBSTER for the past 6months!
Rob: I like crustaceans? and I saw your pic the one day and realized… she likes crustaceans too!
Calliope: so you… don’t… want me?
Rob: No. I don’t want you.
Calliope: *cries* then why… why the signs.
Rob: I told you… I like crustaceans… oh… and I wanted to ask you one thing.
Calliope: *looks up… hopeful* Anything.
Rob: how do you know all those things that Kristen says to me? its eerie.

Before i have a chance to answer him EVIL PR LADY whisks him away… never to be seen again for the rest of the night. And its done. Well the interesting part. The party rages on into the night.. with people getting appropriately drunk. I’ve had my fill of Rootbeer vodka and am not sure I’m seeing what I’m seeing… or should even speak about what I’m seeing… but it was a party to remember… I’ll tell you that much. but I’ll NEVER… NEVVERR… go into details.

Toodles for now betches. hearts. Calli.

This, my friends, was called Twilight Theatre. It is something I beg Calliope to do at least once a week. She usually refuses because she’s cruel (and something about studying to get into law school, while working full time and baking turkeys and stuff.. whatever) So if you loved it, make sure to follow her on twitter- CalliopeBlabs- because every time she tweets it’s like a mini Twi-theatre! Thank you for saving my ass last night, Calliope, when I was too stuffed with that cake you got me to be creative or funny. XO

Check back later today for another special post- It’s anniversary week, y’all!!!

Thanks to Lion and Lamb for all the pics!

Our ONE YEAR internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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164 Responses

  1. Um, Callie?
    You’re HILAR.
    *claps hands*
    That was brills!

    xox

    • Agreed!
      i feel she is welcome here anytime!

    • oh callie you had me at Quil-clout-lay

      XOXOOXOX please always do twi theater for us

  2. HOLY SHIT. I totally imagined that from start to finish, I felt a bit like I was there. Calliope, I bow down to your awesomeness.

    • I know the feeling. Also, it may mean that you too have been watching too many of their interviews. ;)

  3. Hahaha! Brilliant! I love Taylor’s little media trained Summit rant. I think it’s the only type of thing he will be saying 60 years from now when he’s suffering from dementia.

    • I meant to thumbs up this. I’m not sure why it’s not letting me fix my accidental thumbs down. :(

      • That wasn’t you…. That was MY thumb down. I lol(ed) and then frowned at the thought my shiny boy wonder in a retirement home catching raisins and prunes instead of grapes… damn you Alice! Damn you an your wit!!

        • Oh, I see. Okay, well, nevermind then.

        • Don’t worry, I only hate one person at a time. Consider yourself lucky they forgot to put mayonaise on my sandwich today. Just kiddin’, I cherish every thumb I get, whether it’s up or down ;).

          • Mmmm…. Just looking at the thumb, and the movie title and thinking, “28… 29 in January” Not that I know his birthday or anything.

  4. Calliope, that was awesome!!

    Plus, it got me thinking. I move for an Elizabeth Reaser appreciation day. After all, she’s the only vamp with consistently good hair.

    • fair dos!

      I’ve often wondered why we never discuss her. But then I realized she’s not even in the LTT header, I mean, herVF’s fault for putting her on the ground for “artistic effect”, but you know. She’s still cut out. I suppose that implies she’s cut out for good, on a symbolic level at least. Let’s recognise that she’s one of the Cullens who looks no horrible in the new colored contacts. You see what I’m saying? On second thought, maybe she does look creepy after all…

      Agreed on her hair though. Was she on Grey’s Anatomy? Did I miss out on something major pop culture-wise due to my lack of caring? /shrug

      • Yup she was on Greys…and she was nuts! (She “tinkled” on a couch) Really has got great acting skills that seem to be wasted in Twilight/NM..they should give her more lines..and she does have the best hair!

        Singing…”Let it snow … let it snow….” (can you hear my squeaking, coughing hacking voice in your head?)

      • i always though that was her kissing Kristen on the cheek and that Nikki must be on the ground… oh-well…

        but Liz R did a great job in The Family Stone (the pregers daughter) – yeah, she’s under appreciated.

        • Maybe it is. Let’s say it is. More Nikki hate.

      • @TS…I think Reaser IS in the LTT header and got cut off..she is just ummm sitting on the floor in front of Rob…yup she must be..look at Rob & Kellans expressions..I’m just thinkin it might be so!

        • Right, that’s what I’m saying. She got cut out, so she’s not technically in it, even though she’s in the original photo.

  5. Calli, this is hilarious! Forget law school, you SHOULD write for LTT at least once a week! I love how you nailed every cast member’s interview idiosyncrasies.

    • *claps hands til they’re numb*

      that. was. lovely. better than ET on the red carpet.

      Calli, consider yourself hugged, for real.

      • OOPSIE!!! (sorry Bella – nadk) i meant for this to be a regular comment… not intended to be a reply… sorry ’bout that. Forgive?

        but i do agree w/ Bella! i thumbed up the comment!

      • Most things are better than ET on the red carpet. Who the hale thought it was a good idea to ask, “So, if this were high school, who would be the class clown? The prom queen? The class president?” Um, here’s a better question, “Who the hell cares? STFU and get to Rob already.”

  6. Hands down brilliant!!! Calli, I died.

  7. Calliope – love you! This was so funny! Quil-clout-lay to Rob. I almost died of laughter right there.

    P.S. Does anyone know what that actually means?

    • “Quil-clout-lay ” to Rob- i laughed out loud by myself with that! and also with “I told you… I like crustaceans”. Fantastic.

    • It means, “I’ll make out with you, but my heart belongs to IllegalWolfLover.”

    • Quil-clout-lay means ‘Stay With Me Forever’ my friends and I looked it up on google lol

  8. Holy shit that was funny. Since I am in the office alone I let out a LOUD guffaw and scared myself. It was odd to hear.

    But your reaction to Kellan is my exact reaction to him…except I would be the BAD girl at youth group that would try to corrupt him in the choir loft…

    PS…I want to see KStew in the GORGEOUS olive Valentino dress color more. She looks AMAZING in it.

    • I agree about the dress and the color…but unfortunately they probably had to wrestle her down with some nicotine patches to put it on her. Seriously doubt that she even knew who it was by. So unfair….

      • I don’t know, Valentino is shorter than Oscar de la Renta, and she nailed that one (twss).

        But that color, the color of Michael Sheen’s eyes. Mmm. And my boyfriend’s eyes (who is not Sheen…yet, er, what? No!)

        @sassy, next time you guffaw, can you record it and share it with us?

        • You were thinking of Doyle.., you can’t fool us! ;)

          • Doyle’s eyes are blue. Geez, Xylem. You’re like the worst creepy stalker fangirl EVER.

          • To be fair though, I was thinking about Doyle, just not in the context of eye color. I’m listening to the Garden State soundtrack reminscing on my foolish days of 2004 and may or may not have decided that Blue Eyes was written about him, for me.

          • omg. I had to thumbs down myself for this admission. I am forever shamed. Please don’t mention this again. I’m pulling a Robsten and not answering any questions on the matter.

        • You’re like the worst creepy stalker fangirl EVER.

          guilty,. ;)

  9. I’ll say this and then YOU, Calliope, and I are not speaking.

    First, you are still way too hard on Nikki. If Rob slipped through your fingers you’d be a mega bitch too.. wait I was trying to be nice to her.. oops

    Second, you killed me with the Taylor/Summit propaganda:
    Taylor: Hi! Thanks for coming out to interview me about my new Summit Entertainment Movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I’m Taylor Lautner and I’m so excited to be here in support of Letters to Twilight on behalf of my wonderful employer Summit Entertainment who has allowed me the gracious appear in the phenomenal movie The Twilight Saga New Moon.

    Finally, I lost it when you said this to Rob:
    Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.

    Ok… NOW we aren’t speaking..

    *mumbles* think you’re friends with someone and they don’t invite you to a freaking party…see if I care!

    • awww, there there, brooke.

    • Don’t feel bad, Brooke, Jackson wasn’t invited, either.

    • Brookie, you are invited to all my parties.

    • you go girl, I didn’t like the way she treated nikki TT, and what the rob 2 want her? Just say LMAO,
      Oh and u 4got 2 mention about being mean with Jackson

      Last, you are awsome 4 supporting them;)

      • Nah, 100 monkeys does suck. So I understand why Jackson wouldn’t show up. I know this, I witnessed their “concert”.

        Otherwise, I didn’t understand your full comment., but thanks for the support!

        • I’d like 2 disagree.

          Regards

    • @teamseth @lapushbaby @janetrigs

      Calliope is my partner in crime in Phily… or she WAS.

      *single tear runs down cheek*

  10. The last pic looks like rob is three sheets into the wind. Sailing all along the watch tower with no where to go. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • Cause he probably is.

    • Good hear from you bobbygee. I just want to let you know that I’m going to see Brazil vs. Cote d’Ivoire in the world cup. I want to make you jealous, make you wish you were with me and not your hot brazilian woman. Yeah, that’s right. Look for me on the FIFA website under “The beauties of the beautiful game” photo rotation. I’ll be in the green and yellow bikini with the blue circle right over where my nipples are. Just sayin’… bobby, you could have it all. I’ll probably even be seeing Argentina in the round of 16. Yeah, you’re so jealous. It feels good.

  11. You had me at: “Taylor: Georgia here we come baby.”

    Calli, your grasp of their vocabulary and their speech patterns is simply amazing! It also told me that I may or may not be watching entirely too may YouTube videos of these people becuase I coulddo hear their exact voices in my head.

    I am so sorry I missed this party! Maybe the Taycob jet could make a quick layover in Maryland…it’s on the way…

  12. Calliope, you. are. amazing.
    … quil-clout-lay… i almost died laughing.
    In the voice of Phoebe Buffay: “He’s her lobster!”

    • My exact thoughts!! “He’s her Lobster!” Brillant!

    • I need love
      Cause only love is true
      I need every wakin’ hour with you
      And my friends cause they’re so beautiful
      Yeah my friends they are so beautiful
      They’re my friends

      CUE REMBRANDTS

      • (where was that song in the movie? i saw the movie 3 times and didn’t notice… not even in the credits)

        • At first I thought you were talking about the friend’s theme song. haha. I remember hearing it. Will be thinking about this for a while.

        • It was in the creepy biker guy scene. Which was sad, for me. I’d hoped it would be in some awesome wolf scene. You know, the one we didn’t get, where they’re ALL standing in the rain shirtless and close up, maybe being a li’l ninja, or just striking random sexy poses.

  13. “Rob: *he grasps my hand* Is it really you?
    Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.
    Rob: what?”

    This made me laugh and laugh and laugh. In fact, I’m still giggling.

  14. Hilarious!! I love this site, best way to start the day :)

    As for the fabulous party – there was one glaring omission…where was Peter Facinelli?? The good (i.e. hot) doctor was too busy to come to the party – harsh!

    And congrats UC and Moon – on your first anniversary. I’ve only been following you guys for the past month or so, but I spend at least 1-2 hours every day catching up on old posts. I’ve already got my significant other (and closet unicorn) laughing about fursplosions and Big Daddy Lautner! Thanks for brightening my otherwise dreary days.

    -OnlyaLittleObsessed

    • PFach’s plane got delayed due to inclimate weather, but he called in for a phone interview. Unfortunately he called Twilight Lexicon and not the relevant site.

      • I was wondering that, too, so thanks for explaining. He could at least have tweeted!

        • He was too busy “biting” people on twitter with that silly vampire program of his.

          • Someone take that silly app away from him and and make him go back to tweeting about his fellow cast members.

  15. Ok.. Why is it that Nikki’s dresses alway have that I-was-curtain-in-my-previous-life look to them? Seriously, do you not picture the rest of the fabric rolls in the fabric store. Is she making these? Does she new a Neiman Marcus hookup? Just saying…

    • Xylem, you remember the black curtain from Anniversary Blog yesterday (you know, the one you had to click the link to that was incredibly awesome and hilarious and MAJOR HIGH FIVES JODIEO AND EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED)…. well, basically back when Nikki and Rob were an “item” (can anyone even remember that far back?) she used to be behind the curtain with him. So, in her post-dump distress, she just ripped down all the curtains from the various places they “hung out”. The clubs/bars/hotels wised up and started buying cheaper material–since it may get stolen again, why waste the money? So, the dresses are made from curtains with a “stick it to Robsten” grudge sewn into the inseams.
      It’s really just kind of sad. Paris tried to taketalk her out of them, but once his Sebastians caused her to get an emergency Brazilian wax with a rub down of alcohol instead of aloe afterwards (talk about lust’slove’s keen sting!), she felt like any advice he gave was unsound.

      Does this help to clarify?

      • TS, srsly, what hospital were you born in, ’cause it’s like we were separated at birth. Yes, that link from JodieO was all kind of awesomeness…almost as good as the tiny buckets of melted butter on Rob’s lobster table. *sigh*

        Yeah, I am sure Rob makes Nikki feel all kind of inferior with Kristen around she is the “older” woman, the “bigger” woman, the “minor role” woman, the effed up wig woman….. You het the picture. Not sure how much she is helping her cause by were the curtains, however. I am sure the “stick it to Robsten” patch helps. I am sure Nikki is a lovely girl with a hankering for Rob and fine taste in curtains….. Just like Martha Stewart….Hey! wait a minute….

        • Martha Stewart did have that dream about hanging out with RPattz…

          I wonder if Nikki’s curtains match the carpet? (it had to be said.)

          Oh, and I’ll meet you in Annapolis and we can sing “Sistah, sistah! Never knew how much I missed ya!” while holding hands on the pier after having some delicious ice cream in the little town center there. Annapolis is so cute.

  16. DUDE! You rocked it out of the ballpark! Awesome post!

    “Rob: *he grasps my hand* Is it really you?
    Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay” – trying to be silent while laughing hysterically at work!!!

    Love this post!

  17. Speaking of bumbling and unable to speak…I would totally fan-girl freak if I ran into UC or Moon in real life. I’d love to think I’d play it all cool and say something snarky, but in reality I would only be able to mumble and probably step on their feet accidentally in a palsied attempt to remain normal.

    Calliope – you nailed it with today’s post (that’s what she said).

    • I think I’d be the totally same if I met UC or Moon!

      • i’m that way around Calliope

        • whenever UC and i hang out… we just fangirl about eachother the whole time. makes our lunch dates quite awkward. more so for the people around us. cus they sit there thinking “why are these two girls who seemingly are friends and having lunch together squeeing (even though they don’t call it squeeing because thy don’t know what TRUE squeeing is) and waving their hands up and down in a freak out manner … freaking out?” And don’t even get me started about how dangerous it is when we drive together… while fangirling. may that little squirrel RIP.

          p.s. i also fangirl whenever i’m around brookelockart too… but don’t tell her that. because we are fighting right now.

          • Quil-clout-lay, Calli

          • ROFLMAO….” while fangirling. may that little squirrel RIP.”
            Ok that did it…I AM buying Depends for moments such as these..

    • I may or may not rip off my jorts and have them sign my RPatz panties.

      • Major thumbs up for admitting you wear them!

        • “With our lips combined…”

          Hey, any image is better than the snail (Oh goodness, a tear shed for the snail memory!)

  18. Calli,

    I have no words. That was epically awesome. I bow to the greatness that is Calli (don’t go getting a big head over it now! Oh wait, u already have *shrugs*).

    Is Twi Theater still done at the Forum? You know, cuz I haven’t been there in Fooooorrrreeeevvveerrrr.

    You got Kristen’s lingo down pat, girl. Cuz we know The Stew. *fist bump*

    “Because I’m CALLI… your LOBSTER. FOCUS.”

    So much WIN!!!
    :-)

  19. Calliope,

    That’s was too funny!!! Nikki’s interview was my favorite by far.

    “What- you mean finding out that your best friend and the boy you thought would eventually love you if you just wore sneakers and hoodies enough were actually falling for each other and didn’t really want you in their life?” Tears of laughter. Tears of laughter. Man, that was good!!

    Congrats UC and Moon on a great year of fun and love for all things Rob and Twilight.

  20. The weather here in Jersey is pure shit today. It made me angry. But now I’m happy, because when I literally lost my mind laughing at “Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.” there was no one here to question my sanity.

    Brilliant.

  21. Rob: and I wanted to ask you one thing.
    Calliope: *looks up… hopeful* Anything.
    Rob: how do you know all those things that Kristen says to me? its eerie.

    ^^Not fiction.

    If Liz R isn’t the drunkiest fame h00r on the red carpet then I’m not the token fat and ugly LTTer.

    • Too bad the Cougwicke didn’t make an appearance. Then we would have had ‘the drunkiest fame h00r ‘ AND the highest fame whore. Except the next week she’d be recycling her Calli interview on MTV, talking about all the vibes on the red carpet.

  22. Wow your awsome for this, we can see that ashley and the others are people like you and me, thanks for doing this

  23. Calliope – that was super funny. Loved drunken Elizabeth.

  24. LOVE LOVE LOVE Twi-theatre! Calliope=brilliant.

  25. Calliope for the win!!!
    Beyond brilliant!! Still trying NOT to laugh @ work over this:
    Rob: *a shocked whisper* Calli?
    Calliope: yes Rob, it’s me.
    Rob: *he grasps my hand* Is it really you?
    Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.
    Rob: what?
    Calliope: umm… nothing… forget I said that.
    Rob: no you said something. it sounded vaguely familiar.
    Calliope: It’s nothing… FOCUS… you were GAZING into my eyes. Because I’m CALLI… your LOBSTER. FOCUS.
    Rob: My lobster?
    Calliope: yes.. your long lost love? the woman you’ve been waiting for? The woman you’ve been secretly sending signals too since JUNE to grab my attention?!?
    Rob: oh yea… no I haven’t.

    My coworkers alraedy think I’m crazy and I know this to be true so…..who cares! BWAHAHAHAHAH!! :)

  26. It’s a stormy-snowy very boring work day over here in Maine & I just had my staff come in & read this w/me. Yes they think I’m crazy, BUT they laughed along & pictured it w/me.

    Great laughs for the rest of the day 8)

    Kellan (sigh) such a softie…….

    • You are in MAINE!! Yeah…Jodie O and I are suffering with you….it is miserable and freaking freezing!!! Which gives me second thoughts of spending “quality” time with Edward!

      Glad to find another Mainer here!!

      • Yeah Maine! We are also know as the “other forks” :)

        Sorry for the delay on response -we lost power for a bit!

        • “We are also know as the “other forks” LMAO…SO TRUE especially after this supposed “summer”!
          NOW we have to start a campaign to get them to FILM HERE!! Whatcha say Maine girls…Petition time???

          You lost power already? Hoping we don’t ! I hate the cold..yeah I know what the Hale am I doing in Maine??? For the love of the hubs is all I can say….but now that I have Edward in my life..considering moving…tee hee
          Stay warm!

    • Yay! Let’s curl up under Cyndi’s blanked Edward and sing the Maine Stein song!

      • Oh yeah…we could have a sing along and Maxie can join in..she LOVES to sing…
        One…two….three…
        “Oh the weather outside is frightful…cough..cough..but the fire is…cough…soooo delight…cough…ok…nevermind!

        Hot choco is great tho! Come on over JodieO!!!

        • LOL!

      • Oh forgot…I luv’s ya JodieO…but Blanket Rob is not for sharing…he is all over me and me alone…
        Hope you can forgive! :)

        • Awwwwh… Thumbs down to that!

          Although Ioves you, too. =)

        • Just for that I’m getting you a DVD of Dick Stacey’s Country Jamboree for Christmas.

          • Now that is just plain cruel….lol
            Maxie has been coughing just like me..hilarious…gotta get it on tape..
            Yesterday morning she was singing at the top of her lil ole lungs…then a song came on that she didn’t like (oh yeah she definately has her likes and dislikes) and she started screeching…loud enough to drown out the song…I finally changed the cd so she would stop…gotta love the bird….

          • I really have to meet this burt sometime. She definitely sounds interesting!

            I bet she’d like Dick Stacy’s Country Jamboree…

        • Hey…hey..hey…U know I cry when I get thumbsdowned!!!
          Sniffle…sniffle..

      • Mmmmmmm Edward under my blankets…..

        • Ummmm better that YOU be under the blankets and Edward be on top (yes thats what she said) cause he would freeze ya….now come summertime…that’s a whole different story…

    • So who’s stalker cousin are you? Are you MY cousin? ARE YOU WATCHING ME RIGHT NOW?? AIEEEEEE!!

      • I’d only be stalking you if you were:

        1. Male vampire named Rob er Edward
        2. Sparkled
        3. Great hair
        4. Freaky eyes
        5. Cullen smile
        6. Dressed only in plaid boxer-briefs w/a tweed jacket slung over your shoulder, holding a hot pocket for me
        7. Called me love

        So are you any of the above?!

        • I do have great hair… and if I go without sleep my eyes do get freaky, and my face is all pierced up so I might glitter in the sun, but no.. none of the others.

          But if I did know a guy like that I’m not sure I’d want him to be my cousin… ;P

          • JodieO tell the truth you DO wear plaid boxer’s and you do have a Cullen smile!
            Still crying over the thumbs down! Twice no less!!! Need another Eddie tissue!!

          • How does one Cullen smile? Is it sort of a smirk? If so then yes.

            But no on the plaid. I don’t think I own any plaid.

  27. That was a really great early morning laugh, Calli! Thanks!

    Poor Esme, she had the best wardrobe of all the Cullens in NM, and probably the best hair (wig?) and yet gets no love….who else wants her purple dress?!!

    • Purple’s cool, but no thanks.

      • Come on, TS, tell me which Cullen had a better wardrobe?!

        • Hey, I love tweed. I’m so into professors. Tweed jackets with those leather elbows… That’s all I’m saying. That and zanerobe tshirts, and v-cut tshirts , and biker spandex outfits.

  28. Taylor and the Summit Jet…………..*sigh*

    It’s technically legal when you’re in the air, right? Kind of like when high school kids go to Mexico?

    • I think it depends if you’re over international waters or not… eff it, why don’t we just go to England?

      • What time should I tell the jet to pick us up?

        • I’m always ready to go to London. There’s a lot of people I want to see in London. You can have Taylor along the way and again when you arrive, and I’ll just hang out in the back of charter jet sleeping and waiting to see all my Londoners (even those who haven’t met me yet). squee.

          • Well, I was thinking that Michael Sheen may need a ride back to England, if that’s okay with you………..yeah, that’s what I thought. ;)

          • Sorry, meant to imply that if it was okay with you we could bring Michael along and give him a ride (thatswhatshesaid) back to England. It’s a long flight and I don’t want you getting bored.

            I said it yesterday and I’ll say it again today…….proof reading is overrated! Ugh!

          • I figured it out from the first read. Actually all I read was “ride sheen back to england” and mostly just “ride sheen”. And then I found this, and anything else that I may or may not have been fantasizingthinking about just stopped while I swooned over his little hobbit essence. And those eyes.

          • Yay! London awaits a visit.

            But don’t let them defile Jailbait on the way…

            Pssst! The ‘puppet’ Taylor comment was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Surely, serious voice here, surely he can’t really be only 17…I gave this a lot of thought on my dogwalk in the woods this afternoon & have some *ideas* to share on this subject.

            My hypotheses are…
            a) he’s older than they’ve told us…all that ninja training as a young ‘un stunted his growth & now they’ve fed him some protein he’s had a spurt (growth) & looks like his proper age which is…21 ish. Why else is he so (freakishly lush ) self assured in interviews? It isn’t normal. However I do realise that many women probably have a framed copy of his birth certificate in their knicker drawer…so can easily prove me wrong.
            b) He underwent intensive media training along with his insane physical transformation. They linked certain press questions to certain exercises…’Yo Taylor, when you move ab-top-left think about what you’d say when they ask you what the weirdest fan encounter was’. ‘Good answer…hold….& repeat….’
            Any flirtatiousness is now dealt with by his glutes which contract painfully reminding him to stay ‘noncomittal’ in demeanor.
            c) My fave – you’ll see why…they’ve created a Taybot which they send out to interviews, while the real wolf child is eating frozen yoghurt witht his child bride. Puppet= robot. If there’s one THERE COULD BE MORE. Do you see where I’m going with this? There is no law governing android loving…We could all have one with no jail time. Please bring him on the jet to London so we can MAKE PERSONAL ENQUIRIES as to which of these is true…

          • Aw, someone thumbs downed me. Sorry I like brits…my bad…and not Rob, either. Also, I was giving up Taylor to anyone who wanted him, that’s selfless! ::tries to cry but used up all her tears yesterday on UC’s post::

            @beakerj, “many women probably have a framed copy of his birth certificate in their knicker drawer” AMAZING. I’ve been hoping to hear the word “knicker” all day, but I wasn’t sure what context it would come up in…

            I do need to let you know though, IWL has sort of you know, laid claim to Taylor. And she’s pretty vicious…like a mama bear protecting her cubs (they’re NOT bears!). Just sayin’…

          • I thumbs downed you when you encouraged another to *sully* Taylor’s virtue. I meant to mention it & I forgot. I know how painful it is, someone thumbs downed me yesterday & I’m still smarting (true story) (pathetic)(true)…cries a single sparkly tear….

            And…FACT…Rob has no accent. It’s everyone else that sounds funny.

          • Why the hate? Love spelled backwards is what? Green is good!

          • Love….*sighs*

  29. Lol, HILARIOUS!!! Especially the one with the lobster signals!!!

    Did anyone figure out what the f*** “Quil-clout-lay” is? That was def not on the book… and that other phrase in Italian Aro says (after La Tua Cantante), “Force, somethin’, somethin’…”

    • Sigh. This is all about 7 days ago.

    • “La tua cantante” means your singer ant its in the book, its the equivalent of ‘imprintable’ lunch if listen to Emmet.

      As for “Quil-clout-lay”… not sure, but my money is on Quileutte for “you complete me”.

      • Come on, Xylem, you’re fail all over the place today. Moonbun didn’t say that she didn’t know what “la tua cantante” meant, she said that she didn’t know what the heck he said AFTER that meant (meaning the other Italian phrase, not the actual line following “la tua cantante,” which was more or less “I can smell her through you. It’s so mouth watering. It makes me thirsty.” And then he looks at her in that wayI wish he would look at me as if he’s going to devour her right then and there.)

        Don’t worry, Moonbun, I got your back, baby.

        And to make it even better for you, I’ll let you know the research results I got instead of making you go find them in the comments from a week ago:

        Full phrase: Forse. Ma il vostro è uno o l’altro.
        Translation: Perhaps. But yours is one or the other.
        Full exchange:
        Aro: You would give up your life for someone like us? A vampire. A souless monster.
        Bella: You don’t know a thing about his soul.
        Aro: Perhaps. But yours is one or the other. This is a sadness. If only it be your intention to give her immortality.

      • @xylem, twi-dork of the day award for the “it’s the equivalent of ‘imprintable’ lunch if you listen to Emmet.”

  30. Calliope gots da mad interview skillz for shizzle.

    Sorry, feeling a bit street today. Where was my Peetah?

    Bummed that I was not invited to the party, but I will forgive you if I can be invited for next year!

  31. Oh my gosh, loved this!!!

  32. CALLI, I will never hate on you…even though you got to talk to everyone.

    PS You said manmeat! Ha!

    • you won’t hate calli!? bitch…..

  33. Dear Calliope,
    I hope the number of commenters shouting your name from the rooftops is enough to make you stop ignoring my calls, texts, emails, tweets begging you to do more Twi-theater.

    Loves

  34. HeHe… glad you all enjoyed I’m “out in the field” today so i can’t comment on your comments just yet but i do want to make a note that, although i’d like to blame my sytax mis-givings and my horrible spelling on the fact that it was later than either UC or i would care to admit when i wrote this, alas… i’m just really, really bad at writing things. like horrible. I was raised by immigrants. Some of you may say that is a poor excuse but when your mother spells the word cake as “kak” i think you earn yourself a few passes. you shoulda seen what ended up in the grocery cart whenever i took a list of her’s to do some shopping…

    anyways… i digress… smooches and thanks for the love.

    also… if my effing avi doesn’t show up over there —-> i’m gonna cut a biotch.

    • Someone please tell Calli that her comment about how her mom spells cake was extremely funny. I would tell her myself, but we’re still not speaking.

    • Calli, your comment about how your mom spells cake was extremely funny. More so when I remember that sometimes when I’m being stupid I say the word “cock” like “kak.” And I’m pretty sure that even in the native country of your immigrants, cock is not available in a grocery store.

      But really . . . is it? By the pound?

      • Too bad you can’t post pics in the comments. I’ve got one I took at my local grocery store the other day.

        P.S. I’m not kidding.

        • See, I wasn’t kidding: http://buygracefoods.com/site/product.cfm?id=cock_soup_env

          • OMG. DYING. Yup, me=dying.

            Who would make a soup of that? They don’t taste that great.

          • first of all – eww…

          • You should see what other “kak” flavoured stuff they have. I was shocked. And maybe a little curious……

          • People know me so well, that when they go to England come back, they bring me some cock-a-leekie soup. Nothing better than slurping up some cock and leeks.

          • and second of all – EW!

  35. I missed my daily dose of PFach!

    Loved your post though. Absolutely hilarious.
    Calliope for the win!!!
    Beyond brilliant!! Still trying NOT to laugh @ work over this:
    Rob: *a shocked whisper* Calli?
    Calliope: yes Rob, it’s me.
    Rob: *he grasps my hand* Is it really you?
    Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay.
    Rob: what?
    Calliope: umm… nothing… forget I said that.
    Rob: no you said something. it sounded vaguely familiar. (<– died!!!)
    Calliope: It’s nothing… FOCUS… you were GAZING into my eyes. Because I’m CALLI… your LOBSTER. FOCUS. (<—died again!!!)
    Thank you for making me "Cullen Smile" today! :)

  36. LMAO. The Taylor bit was genius. Well, the whole thing was, but I lit’rally LOL’d over Taylor wanting to take UC & Moon to GA on Summit’s plane. I got a bit wurried for a second when he was pulling his pants down, but I should have expected the jorts.
    Good to see Calli hasn’t lost her touch!

  37. Calli, Luv, you don’t know how long I have waited for you.

    Brilliant.

  38. Like everyone else, I loved the interview with Rob.

    Calliope: yes Rob… Quil-clout-lay. (HILARIOUS!!)
    Rob: what?
    Calliope: umm… nothing… forget I said that.
    Rob: no you said something. it sounded vaguely familiar.
    Calliope: It’s nothing… FOCUS… you were GAZING into my eyes. Because I’m CALLI… your LOBSTER. FOCUS.
    Rob: My lobster?

    Love the Friends reference!

    “You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws…”

  39. Calli, awesomsauce post.

    Now tell me more about this Rootbeervodka thing…..

  40. “…my team of guys (yes apparently I’ve got a team on the red carpet with me) throws a box down in front of me and I just know who’s coming next.”

    The subtlety of this is hilarious. And yes, I know exactly who was coming next as well.

  41. Hah, LOVED this! Seriously Calliope, if you go to law school you may miss your calling in life in the creative writing arts. This was hilarious and so clever. More please! :)

  42. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard at the Quileute. I hate that damn scene in NM!! Hate. It.

    Also, I thought the first pic of KStew was James Van der Beek (or however you spell it.. Dawson, okay?)

    M

    PS – I love you, Calli!!

  43. Cali..still laughing for real..but you did let me down (not really) THAT close to Rob and you DIDN’T check ou the ummm…goods,( by accident of course)…and you missed the perfect opportunity to confirm what no one else has….
    “Rob: I told you… I like crustaceans”
    Cali: “SOOO you admit you ARE WITH Kristen!!” (fish outta water)
    Its ok tho, completely understandable that you would lose focus when in the presence of such greatness (UC & Moon) !
    Kudo’s for being able to find some decent photo’s of Kstew!

    BTW I’m pissed too that I wasn’t invited to THE party…I can be real fun at a party…trust…

    • I bet you can! And no matter what kind of shenanigans you get up to you have a fail-proof excuse!

      How are you feeling?

      • LOL..I used to get into trouble all the time at parties before the accident…I can’t even imagine all the fun I COULD get away with now…sometime we’ll have to “test the waters”…
        I am about the same only more broke..lol…doctors….such a waste..except of course for Dr. Cullen…paid all that money to find out I am “really” sick…duh….put on some new kind of medicine..strangest thing I have ever seen..but so far not much better…coughed up a kidney last night….now short a lung & a kidney….tee hee…

  44. […] This is our 2nd post of the day- Yes. We’re serious. Like Tweed. Read the first post here […]

  45. I meant to leave this comment when I first read the post, but it never happened due to a wardrobetechnical malfunction:

    Love the post, Calli. You got their voices down pat.

    It’s normal that I read Rob’s interview with an English accent, right? I mean I’ve only ever seen 1 interview with him (seriously, isn’t that kind of amazing?), and it was the Up Close with Carrie one where he was only on for 5 seconds. I think it’s pretty normal, expected even.

    ps- Sebastian is a crab, not a lobster. (hence my “Sebatians” reference to Paris earlier)

  46. Funniest sh!t ever:
    Taylor: I’ve got the Summit Jet tonight. I KNOW where I’m legal. and I KNOW THEY KNOW where I’m legal.
    LMAO :-)

  47. Holy crap on the Kellan photo!! He is not The Hottness like Rob, but he certainly is hott!

  48. ILWL…are you out there???? Need to talk to you!!! Got my letter from Eddie….OMELE!!!! Let me know when you are around..plz!

  49. OMG.
    You guys should have had a warning on that. Nearly wet pants laughing. Got into trouble by boss. Had to explain to co-workers that I was reading Twi theatre. Then had to explain what Twi theatre was. Needless to say they now all think I’m “special”.
    Anyway, Calli that was freaking hilarious. Bless your cotton socks.

  50. to all of you… Quil-clout-lay.

    thanks for the loving comments.

    (ps i’m really only typing here bc i wanna see if my avi will mother-effing-show-up)

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