Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight

Dear people sitting at work hungry for things to distract them from the fact that it’s Monday and you’re sitting at work,

With a new Twilight saga movie, we’re treated with TONS of things we can feature for Monday Funnies.  Get ready for this one. Put down your coffee cup. Go run and pee. Then go pee again and practice your quiet office giggle because this one is gonna have you rolling.  Thanks to @nwalmn on Twitter for sending this our way. And to the blogger, The Bloggess, who is bringing us today’s Monday Funnies:

Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?

2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like f*cking a wishing well?

3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.

4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.

Umm Brilliant so far? Yes. Read the rest after the jump!

6. So in Twilight, all the bodily fluids of the vampires are poisonous. Their spit is venomous and their eyes juice is so acidic that it dissolves contact lenses, yet their semen is perfectly harmless. Um…what?

7. Edward’s entire body is made to be super violently fast and all inhumanly strong. So when he had unprotected sex with Bella, why didn’t his super-semen shoot through her body like a bullet out the back of her skull?

8. Remember when Edward kept telling Bella that he couldn’t plow her because it was “just too dangerous” and she just wouldn’t lay off? I wonder if he ever just said “IT’S BECAUSE I WOULD BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY SEMEN, BELLA! GOD! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE. I’M JUST TRYING TO BE DELICATE HERE.”

9. If you’re going to die anyway, I bet death by vampire ejaculation is a good way to go.

10. Unless the vampire suffered from premature ejaculation. That would be a shitty way to go. Especially if you didn’t even get it all the way in and he just accidentally shot off your leg with his semen. That would totally suck.

11. I bet the reason why the Cullen’s sit alone at lunch is because they don’t want to get too close to all those girls on their periods.

12. Wait, did Bella just never have a period, ever? How did she get pregnant then? Why wasn’t shit this covered in the books?

14. I bet it sucked when Bella was pregnant and living at the Cullen’s house because when you’re pregnant you get super gassy and every time she farted everyone in the entire house would know it instantly no matter where they were because they all have that super-amazing sense of smell and hearing. Except Alice can tell the future so she probably knew it was coming and had some kind of codeword to use so everyone could stop breathing for awhile. Probably, something like “Bella’s about to fart, you guys”. Alice isn’t very subtle.

15. If I was Bella I’d never be able to use the bathroom at the vampire house. They all know what you’re doing in there, Bella.

16. You know what would suck? If you were the human girlfriend of a vampire and you wanted to have oral sex but the dental dam dissolved because of his caustic mouth venom and then you got infected with vampire venom. In the vagina. That would be like Chlamydia times a billion, probably.

17. I wonder if I’m the only person who’s ever wondered this stuff? My guess is “yes”.

UPDATED: Oh holy crap, y’all. Apparently I’m not the only one who wonders about this sort of stuff. Surprisingly, that’s not as comforting as I thought it would be.

To the Bloggess, you’re NOT alone. We’ve discussed the period and the ejaculation/semen thing here. Plus I think about it ALL THE TIME. (You can’t help but think about those things when you write letters to this guy every other day) Also, you’re hilarious. I’m pretty sure I need to read you every day for MY daily funnies. Espeically today cuz it’s Monday. And I’m at work. And tomorrow, I’ll be at work. And it’ll be Tuesday. And then that will happen for 3 more days. And all of those days will suck. So thanks for making me laugh on at least one of them.

XO,
UnintendedChoice

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228 Responses

  1. Ohhhhhh that was so fucking goooood!
    Vampy semen shooting B’s head off with its force?!? Amazing. I am totally picturing it and laughing even more.
    Ahhh, I needed that laugh after working at my stupid job today. Thanks a bunch!!!

    • That would have been an awesome ending to the series.

      • Word.

  2. OMG, this:

    Except Alice can tell the future so she probably knew it was coming and had some kind of codeword to use so everyone could stop breathing for awhile. Probably, something like “Bella’s about to fart, you guys”. Alice isn’t very subtle.

    LMAO. I can totally picture Ashley/Alice saying that. That’s normal right?

    • And it’s not even like you could fart and try to pass it off as someone else’s.
      I’m starting to see the appeal of Team Jacob. At least at the wolves’ house you’re around a bunch of people who turn into dogs. Guys who turn into dogs. Yeah, I’m thinking they passed a LOT of gas. No reason to be ashamed around them!

    • Yeah, and THEN I picture Rosalie getting all jealous because SHE can’t fart and woe is her won’t ever be able to fart again oh the humanity someone should have voted no for HER so SHE could still fart so then every time Bella rips one, Rosalie runs around with a jar trying to catch it like in that commercial with the little boy and the wind.

      BELATED RANDOM RANT ALERT

      @Egregiousgirl: We totally saw this coming, didn’t we? So glad I didn’t try to chew that out of your stomach.

      • Except that if someone voted No for Rosalie, she would’ve died.

        • Yeah, see, that’s more of the Twilight logic in action for you.

          Just like I’m guessing no French kissing for E & B, if his mouth is all venomy. Which means if his sperm is safe but not his mouth, Isle Esme included only one-way oral sex. What a depressing commentary on the sexist mores of this series.

        • i KNOW, right? and when she said that line in the movie i wanted to slap that “i’m sorry for myself” look right off her face… at least she’s not DEAD! ungrateful little no account so & so *grumble/mutter*

          • I still don’t understand Rosalie’s BS…..her fiance turned out to be a douche & rapist. But she still longs for that life of being human so she could have little brats? Go work at a daycare or something Rose!

      • me too! ahead of the curve as usual….

    • Well, Laurent indicates that Bella is some sort of pet of the Cullens. So, even if it wasn’t her who farted, she’d still get blamed.

      • This totally made me laugh harder than anything else I’ve read today. I think we’re all a little twisted, even if that’s normal.

  3. I’m glad I’m not the only one whose sick mind ponders these things. I can’t read Breaking Dawn without thinking about poor Bella on Isle Esme with Edward for two weeks. You know she had to use the bathroom. You know Edward has super hearing AND super smell.

    I’ve also pondered the times Edward watched Bella sleep. She seemed to eat a lot of Mexican food. You know where I’m going with this. Are you telling me she never farted in her sleep?

    • Your sick mind is not alone… this only scratches the surface of the depth of my sick, twisted questions about Twilight.

      • I’m sure we could have a lot of fun discussing the dark places our minds have gone :)

        • TWSS.

      • Forsooth, man. Forget the period issue, ’cause I tried to reconcile that in my mind by assuming Bella just used, like three tampons at once or something. Or just chose those days to hang out at the rez. Except maybe not because we’ve all seen a dog in heat, right? Spare me the fruitless humping of a pack of undersexed teen wolves.

        Where was I? Oh, yeah, COME ON! Maybe I’m just super self-conscious, but I cringed every time I read about Edward spending the night with Bella. You KNOW she passed gas in her sleep! One of the only mercies I can think of about not having a completed Midnight Sun is that I don’t have to read about Edward throwing up AND his selfless suffering of the Dutch Ovens.

        • Well, he was always outside the blanket anyway, so Dutch ovens would’ve proved difficult to experience.

          BTW, sidenote rated M for Mature, that smut of chimi’s we read last night caused me to have a dream about getting raped from behind by a big, fat, gross dude. ::THROWS UP:: I’m so scarred. And, what’s worse, is that it came right after a dream of me and Bewley making out. NOT FAIR!

        • Yes! Because you know in Twilight, the first time he spent the night (that she was aware of), she was upset when she woke up and he was wearing different clothes. He told her he had to go home and change clothes in the middle of the night, but you know it was because she dropped a bomb and he had to get the HALE out of there!

  4. ahh… yes… after all, she’s such a silly *sigh* “human”. simply FULL of simple human moments… ;)

    but re: the sex – she probably expected it to burn anyway… and since the scene was all “fade to black” maybe it so overwhelming she passed out *thud*
    or maybe it was tingly and she liked it anyway (she IS masochistic, you know) maybe it was so tingly is was like a topical analgesic (= numbness) or maybe like tingly cinnamon lube… hmm… imma hafta stop now… *fans face*

    • Hahahaha… cinnamon lube, ftw!

      • ohh-oooooh! what do i win?! hee-hee…

    • I am going to assume it was like cinnamon lube. And I am going to expect that to show up in a fanfic very soon. I hope the author credits you.

      • gimme my credit where my credit is due… THANK YOU!

        wham-bam, thank you ma-am…

        can ya’ll tell i’ve spent too much time thinking aout this type of stuff?

        but i guess we all have… if you talk (type) about something long enough then it’ll always end up in the gutter – HA!

    • Where do they sell that?

      • Most adult stores sell either cinnamon or mint lube. But you have to be careful because sugar can cause an infection when used on your lady bits. So you have to find one that uses “splenda” or some kind of replacement sugar.

        • Splenda is technically still sugar (sucralose), just SUPER more potent, so you can use less than real sugar. That’s why it’s the only one you should use. Sweet n Low has saccharin. And Equal is like the worst cuz of the aspartame.

          Wow, I’m on a Bill Nye roll today!

          • Smart enough NOT try and pretend to be smart..but I have done alot of research on the sugar subject (Hubs uses a ton) so at first I jumped at the chance to get him a lower calorie SAFE substitute. Then I found out Splenda is still NOT good for you because the body does not recognize it as suger and can be dangerous!
            Note the following:
            Splenda is not natural; it is a chlorinated artificial sweetener.
            Splenda “suppresses beneficial bacteria.
            “Sucralose is an artificial substance that is not found in nature, like aspartame and hydrogenated fats..”
            So the only SAFE sugar is the REAL sugar and organic is best..just use less..
            That’s my one and only itelligent post for the year.. :)
            P.S. If you want to check out.. http://www.truthaboutsplenda.com

          • Thanks Cyndi!!!! Good to know! I don’t like artificial sweeteners anyway (or generally any sweetener), but now I can properly inform others on their artificial sweetener choices.

            Keep on keeping on, gal.

          • @TeamSeth,
            Your very welcome TS..just remember that is my one intelligent post for the year! Seriously though, I felt so bad cause I really pushed the hubs to switch to Splenda and like you I am anti artificial sweetners and don’t use sugar myself, I was very excited when Splenda came out! Then I heard that they had to settle a huge lawsuit because of the way they were promoting it and so I looked into it. Was shocked to find out how it was bad for you and was red faced when I had to tell the hubs! It is funny that this came up today tho, cause I was watching something on TV today and the doc was like the ONLY good sugar is the REAL organic sugar..(white sugar is bleached that color.. yuck) and how we have to go back to natural basics because our bodies only processes foods that ” it ” knows…

  5. I’m laughing so hard that I can’t even think of any comments right now…

  6. OMG that commercial was hilarious!!!

    “and it glitters” LOL

  7. OMG this is our best post of ALL time!!! I get sooo distracted by al these very same issues whenever I read BD and it makes me crazy. You are killing me!

  8. Even with your warning UC, it was very difficult for me to muffle my laughter throughout the entirety of this post! I slapped my hand over my mouth for #8 and made this crazy loud slap sound on accident – my coworkers all stared at me like I was nuts… HAHA!! What a great start to a Monday morning. Props to the Bloggess!

    PS: I’m glad I’m not the only one who wondered about Bella droppin’ one and the Cullens knowing about it… I mean, I can’t even pee in a public restroom! How the hell did Bella deal with it?!

    • I wondered about that too-Edward would be able to smell every embarrassing human smell. And the “sweet breath” thing too. C,mon, nobody’s breath is sweet all the time and Edward’s dead-how sweet could that be?? Yum.

      • The way I’ve always imagined his breath to smell is like a baby’s. For some odd reason little babies have the best breath. I love it.

        YaknowwhatImsayin?

      • wellllllllll, when i have thought about that, i must say, that i intend to believe that the venom acts as a bit of a breath neutralizer b/c, uhh, your mouth air often smells like what you have ingested… yick, old blood? there’s gotta be a chemical reaction going on in there somewhere… heh… i’m jus sayin’

  9. There were enough wolves in the house. If Bella farted she could just blame it on the dog…..

    And of course my mind is in the gutter and I’m thinking about Vampire Porn. The money shot would be deadly.

    - Jamie

    • She totally would blame it on the dog!!

  10. And what do ya think about having sex with someone who’s having a cold penis!!!??? Kind of freak!!!! That’s not hot!

    • I wondered if it would have the same effect as licking a metal pole in the winter. I know that’s disgusting but hey, ice-cold penis..got me thinking.

      • I always wondered how she doesn’t get frostbite. Ouch. Frostbite on the hoo-ha. Not fun.

      • Ok, seriously, the cold thing isn’t that big of a problem. What about metal toys etc? Those can be used hot or cold. And didn’t they warm up their hands next to a fire before shaking hand etc. Just do the same thing before sex.

        • Yeah, in that cottage.

          Plus Bells first reaction to the lovers room (which I imagined as empty shy this giant bed in the center of the room, a la Austin Powers heart shaped bed, except with white sheets) was how swamp-like hot it was.

    • “Not that hot” teehee.

      • I’m thinkin I could use some “Eddie coolness” right now…what a great way to “cure” a fever…I volunteer to be the “test subject”…beats tylenol any day!!!

  11. *sigh*

    I never thought about these things…

    I like fantasy separate from real life.

    *sings*
    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one

    *bows*

    • *rattle rattle* (this is me playing the tambourine.)

    • Awww, I wish I weren’t such a realist or that I weren’t always imposing my self-consciousness on characters, and maybe I could lose myself in the fantasy like you . . .

      *holds up lighter*
      I hope somedaaaaaay I can join you
      And the Twi-world can live as ooooone.

      *blushes [see: self-consciousness]*

      • Did you read my email? Did I send that to you? It was you, right? (in reference to the tambourine.. did I get that far in it? Maybe not. I do hope so. Oh well.)

        • I am reading and reviewing this am.

  12. Wait… what’s so weird about that? Snape is kinda sexy…

    • AMEN!

    • I’ve dreamt about Lucious Malfoy. He’s hot.

      • YES! Snape AND Malfoy! Is this what comes from me not being a big enough HP fan yet?

        • Tsk. Tsk.

          Read the books. I will say this until you do. Trust.

          How anyone can love Snapey (regardless of that thing he did) or Malfoy (prat) is beyond me.

          Sirius FTW!
          ;)

          • You can love more than one person, you know. Especially in celebrity-land. Plus, two dark, long haired men who already have severe tension btwn them? Yes, please.

    • Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

      How can one say no to that?
      As if Vader wasn’t hot enough.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      • I think he was hotter as Metatron in Dogma, but I’d still have a dirty weekend with Snape.

      • i love him. that voice! can still remember middle school and being oddly attracted to his evil-ass, way-too-old-for-me sheriff of nottingham. mmmmm….

        • I love him in Love Actually. I just imagine myself as that short-haired assistant at his work.

        • FTMFW. It bears repeating: “Because it’s DULL, you TWIT! It’ll hurt more!”

          • with a spoon?!? – love it!

      • Sigh… thank you for those. I love Snape… in the books and as played by Alan Rickman.

  13. Bella is an angel in disguise, she doesn’t go to the bathroom sweat or stink or have a bad breath or fart….

    • Which reminds me of that Jessica Simpson quote saying that her farts smell like roses. So what you say makes total sense.

  14. “IT’S BECAUSE I WOULD BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY SEMEN, BELLA! GOD! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE. I’M JUST TRYING TO BE DELICATE HERE.”

    Snorrrrt! :-D

    Why can I actually picture Edward saying this in the books?

    • “I’m just trying to be delicate here.” Edward would totally say that!

      Don’t you think his semen would be extra powerful that first time. He’s a 108 year old virgin. That’s a lot of build up.

      • I thought we already established that Edward masturbates…to “Turn of the Century Sluts.”

        • Edward Cullen does not masturbate. That is a vile and disgusting thing to do. He would not compromise his virtue that way!!

          • Girl, please.

          • You’re so right. Edward Cullen does not masturbate.

            He sparklesplodes.

          • Right. Masturbating=vile. Decoupage and crochet are way better time fillers. Edward was a craft warrior.

          • I bet he scrapbooks! It’s so much more wholesome than masturbating.

          • You cannot wear tweed and masterbate at the same time. It’s like really bad rug burn.

  15. I seriously laughed out loud at number 14. Cuz I am actually a 14 yo boy pretending to be a 30, I mean 29 yo woman.

  16. Ehehehe I was just flicking through last month’s Aussie Cosmo mag and there was a spread on “What his sex style says about him” … followed by an A4 New Moon advert. Ehehehe!

    • For some reason A4 paper turns me on. Something about my love of Brits, perhaps.

  17. This is totally unrelated, and I don’t know if it has been discussed or why I am asking it now, but this question has plagued me since I saw Twilight: The Original.

    Why is Emmett carrying a bag of eggs in the cafeteria scene??

    I get that he has to pretend to eat, but a bag of eggs? Really?

    • Now you KNOW I’ll have to rush home after work to look at this on the dvd. I’ve never noticed that before! Maybe he knew that a couple of years and a few books later Bella was going to need a lot of eggs to eat.

      • I’m totally going to have to do the same – that one slipped past me!

        • Tuesday, I hope you’re happy. Because of your super powers of observation, three women will be rewatching Twilight tonight. Thanks for the excuse. ;)

          • Yes, of course “research purposes” is the ONLY reason I’d be rewatching it.

          • That was my plan all along. Mwahaha!

          • make that 4 women.

            Seriously, a bag of eggs?

          • OMG he is holding a bag of eggs. THat’s weirder than the mysterious celery stick (mysterious because it keeps appearing and disappearing).

            Maybe Emmett has the eggs to help Rosalie with her farting issue. You know, cuz he’s considerate like that.

    • Haven’t you seen Beauty and the Beast? “Now that I’m grown I eat 5 dozen eggs, and I’m roughly the size of a baaarge!” (and then for relevance to this post, add in the next line, “No one shoots like Gaston…”)

      • I’m especially good at expectorating.

      • “No one’s neck is incredibly thick as Gaston!”

      • Hahaha, that is exactly what I think whenever I get to that part in the movie… but Emmett’s eggs appear to be hard-boiled… which for some reason changes things for me.

        • thats what she said

      • Why is this thumbs downed? I come out when I thumbs down! Come out you thumbs downer, let us know your thoughts.

        • How is that even remotely thumbs down worthy? Who hates Beauty & the Beast?

    • Ok, just watched it. Easily a dozen eggs in a freaking ziplock. WTF, Cougawicke?!

      • I sooo have to watch this again – it sounds hilarious and creepy.

      • You think maybe they’re gonna egg Mr. Molina’s house later?

    • Ok I have watched Twilight every day/night since it came out on DVD and YES i have a mind like a sieve (BUT AT LEAST NOW YOU ALL KNOW WHY MY MIND IS THE WAY IT IS…LOTS AND LOTS OF EDWARD SEX) tee hee..BUT I don’t ever remember seeing Emmett with a bag of eggs…???

      • I will admit that when Edward is in the frame, I have complete tunnel vision and don’t see other things going on. But Edward doesn’t walk in with Emmett, so I can’t believe I never noticed this!

        • Wow this is weird! I just saw a Twilight movie still with Emmett the other day and he was leaning against the Forks HS Cafeteria wall and he was trying to look all zexy and he was holding a ziploc bag of eggs! INDEED! It seemed so odd to me but I figure it was The Cougar’s doing so didn’t give it another thought. Wish I could remember where I saw that pic!

          • when will my picture ever actually post on here? *sigh*

          • (i saw that one too… and i didn’t remember the eggs…)

          • @wileykitkat…I was so bugged about not ever seeing the eggs w/Emmett in Twilight, I had to google it and see if I could find a pic…I did..maybe this is where you saw it…
            http://twilightsaga.multiply.com/photos/album/527/Whats_with_Emmett_and_the_eggs

            Also, you’ve probably been told this already, but to see your avatar change, you have to go to Internet options and empty your cache, history and cookies. Sometimes you have to reboot too so that your pic shows up. If that doesn’t work remove the picture and start over…hope that helps.. :)

          • Thanks for the link Cyn! I always wondered if I was the only person who noticed this.

  18. This definitely made me forget that it is a Monday and I am at work complaining about it!
    LMAO!!!!!

    jajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajjajajajajajajajajaj

  19. Duh! Don’t you know anything? You bite the pillow to purify the sperm. Only freaks bite pillows for no reason.

    As for the periods, two words “hunting trips”. I know it’s true cause I read it in ff once and those never lie. They are like E! True Hollywood stories for vamps.

    As for Ron Weasley, he would totally watch. Specially if you look like Jessica Alba.

    • Freaks? SDCD.

    • Dude its true! I’ve had way to many random jobs through the years (camp councilor/acting teacher, adult store manager, funeral home apprentice, studio photographer and graphic artist) and heard some strange stories from the two directors at the funeral home. Bears do attack if you have your period and are camping in the woods.

      • Note to self: Another easy way of human suicide is period around bears. I prefer Spirit Bears or Polar Bears, if I’m allowed to get specific.

        • you’re allowed.

          • ABS! I have missed you AND, apparently, your offers to meet you on the forum! Do you twitter? I am @stacyotis.

          • OMG. i can’t believe you changed your name S-Pizzle. Especially to that ::Face paw::

          • HAHAHAHAHA! I’m so GLAD you mentioned that! I totally forgot that earlier today I changed it for a deed that shall go unreferenced.

            Changing it back in 3 . . .2 . . .

        • so.very.wrong… but also, so very “Six Feet Under” love/miss that show!

        • team seth, i love you. who else would think of suicide by menstruation + spirit bears?

          • well you know I reference Cudmore as “spirit bear” as he’s pale, huge, and from british columbia… but that doesn’t mean I want him to maul me to death. Sigh. (see how I avoided that ‘eat me’ joke. be proud!)

  20. WARNING ABOUT THE COFFEE AND PEEING SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN BOLD LETTERS….& REPEATED SEVERAL TIMES THROUGHOUT…..Might have saved me but I doubt it…..cleaning up now!

  21. I’ll be thinking of this and smiling all day – “If you’re going to die anyway, I bet death by vampire ejaculation is a good way to go.”

    • can we get this on a bumper sticker?

      • T-shirts too!

        • And the image is just a can of Pepper Spray. (spray, teehee)

  22. You are now reading my mind. Thank goodness I’d left the office before looking this up…Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Before I ever read the final 3 books I asked someone why Bella had no periods & they looked at me like I was mad. Mad? I call it realism.
    Plus the body fluids…is his saliva non-venomous? Or is it only Jailbait that attempts a frenchie?

    Can you imagine a Vampire sperm under a microscope? The little fangs…the om nom nom noises…the sparkling….

    I’m going to be thinking about this all day now & laughing at innapropriate moments. I’m 41, for thelove of all that’s chocolate, & this comes to mind when I’m deep in ‘issue’ based work with teenagers…none of whom, have read Twiglet.

    But on the bright side, my bff has asked me to send her all the books for christmas so we can squee ourselves to death…:)

    Lovey stuff

    P.S. Do you sleeping bag escapes ‘unscathed’ in the Tentosterone Scene…he’s very young & he falls asleep…

    • Excuse spelling…punctuation…

      and that should read ‘do you think the sleeping bag’ – hard to type when you’re sniggering like a loon…

    • “The little fangs…the om nom nom noises” ::FALLS OVER LAUGHING::

      Also, is Twiglet some kind of combination btwn Twilight and Winnie the Pooh?

      Yay for you turning your friend…

      • Twiglet is what my husb (gawd bless him) calls Twilight.
        It’s a weird form of snack here in the UK that looks like twigs (really) (I couldn’t make this up)( it’s so knobbly) that are covered in Marmite flavouring (which anyone sensible knows is what Satan’s earwax tastes of).
        Quite a lots of Brits have thought that’s what they were reading when a bus with a Twilight ad on it passes them…
        And my friend, (London Journalist & Literature graduate) WAS Bella as a teenager…right down to her handicap. If SM had written her with curly hair she’s all I would ever have imagined as Bella.

        • Curious. Do you guys have those delicious aero bars over there?

          Also, I’m a freelance writer… think your Londoner could get me a gig or two, or three, or just a full time job?

          • Once we’ve turned her, the world is your Lobster. She’s a freelancer too. She’s going to fall hard. Guaranteed.

            This is the woman who wrote her Master’s Thesis on the adaptation of The Godfather from books to film….

            I’m waiting for the day I can text her the word ‘sparklepeen’ & have her wet herself on the Tube.

            And yes, we have Aeros. Many Aeros.

    • Can you imagine a Vampire sperm under a microscope? The little fangs…the om nom nom noises…the sparkling….

      Bwahahaha. Brillballs.

  23. OH OH..I am so excited…This is a two-for…I no longer have to hide my braindamage from people & new t-shirts in the making…
    1,BRAINDAMGED: Small price to pay for a night with Edward…
    2. I may not remember yesterday, but will never forget sex with Eddie…
    3. (Picture of Edward) Yes I have a HOLE in my head!
    4. I may have braindamage, but have YOU had sex with Edward???

    Someone please stop me…please……

    • MidCyn – Don’t stop! These are great! Yes, brain damage would be a small price to pay for a night with Edward. :-)

      • Hey Ang…how you doin??? Missing you…where have you been…??

        BTW how sad is it that I am finally learning about sex on LNM??

        Just cause YOU asked me not to stop:

        BRAINDAMAGED=MIND BLOWING SEX WITH EDWARD

        • Mindblowing – WIN!

          I’ve been super busy for the past week and haven’t been able to be here as much as I’d like! I hate when icky RL interferes with my fun!

          Are you still sick? Feeling better, I hope!

        • MINDBLOWING! OMG OMG OMG. That’s brilliant, Cyn!

        • What about on the front it says:
          Face Punch, the mindblowing sex with Rob
          On the back it says:
          Let’s Do This!

    • Morning!

      • Morning..how are you?? Missing u Jodie

        @Ang..still really sick, gonna have to break down & go to the MD..maybe..lol..hubs thinks I have pneumonia…still want to ride it out a lil longer.. :) thats what she said… :)

        • MidCyn – Go to the MD! Maybe Dr. Cullen will be available for you to ride it out with. :-)

          • OHHHH WHAT A THOUGHT…Riding it out with Dr.Cullen for the win…unfortunately…my MD is a woman..with no sexy vampire sons…and SHE STILL charges a fortune!! The nerve!!
            Actually too sick to get showered, dressed and then the long drive…plus too busy trying to find the lung I coughed up last night! :)

          • Did you look on top of the fridge for your lung? Sometimes you store things up there…

            Also, “ride it out” teehee.

          • @TeamsSeth….ROFLMAO..Checked the fridge..thanks.. no lung but found my petrified spiced dessert meant for Thanksgiving and last years Xmas christmas cards that I swore I mailed..cool you saved me some work this year and the family embarassment cause I will NOT sending out my Twilight themed Xmas cards with the pic of me and Edward under the miseltoe!

        • Missing you, too! Headachey today. In need of sleep and coffee. And an omlette.

          You need to go to the doctor! Don’t make me come down there and take you myself!

          I’ll do it!

          And I won’t let you smoke in my car!

          • LMAO…I luvs ya Jodie…but no cigs no ride..tee hee! Sorry u have a headache! Reccommends..closing eyes and visualize laying in the meadow with Edward…breathe…ahhh ..and repeat,,,,,

          • If I closed my eyes I’d probably fall asleep. Running on Advil and coffee right now. Jeesh, remind me to sleep tonight!

            How you likin’ the snow, girl? I actually love the snow, but I’m just not ready for it yet. I keep looking out the window and getting all annoyed.

            How’d your dr appointment go? You went today, right? Right??

            Mwah. Loves you too! Get better soon!

  24. I would never go to the bathroom round a vampire family’s house – I’d be so self-conscious – it doesn’t matter if they excuse your for a few moments ‘to be human.’

    Also, do the Cullens ever wash? Has this been addressed? Because if they don’t need to because they always smell great (which I have been lead to believe) I can excuse Edward wearing the same outfit for months in New Moon.

    • In the companion movie book it says they deliberatly left Edward in the birthday suit cause thats the last “happy memory” Bella has of him….or something like that… :)

      • If I saw Edward in his birthday suit it would definitely be a happy memory.

        • super thumbs up!

      • Footnote..I myself would prefer Edward in his real “birthday suit” throughout the movie…. :)

  25. Last one..(I know I can’t stop myself)

    I put a couple of Edwards “swimmers” in the pond….
    Now my husband, neighbors and small pets are missing!

    Again, blame it on the fever…..

  26. I’ll have you guys know, my daughter was late for preschool this morning because of LTT. It was totally worth it. If we thought about important things half as much as we thought about vampire ejaculation we could bring world peace, solve the world hunger crisis, and find cures for cancer and aids. But that’s just not as fun.

    • You too?!! I dropped my son off at kindergarten just as the tardy bell was ringing.
      I thought I was a horrible mom for making my son late so I could comment on Bella’s farts and Edward’s semen. I don’t think that would be an acceptable excuse to give the teacher.

      • You could’ve said, “Sorry, something came up.”

        • But then I’d be laughing when I said, “something came up” when I was thinking of Edward’s explosive semen. She’d see through the lie! :)

          • ;)

  27. Love the Vampax-filled with holy water and garlic. Hilarious.

  28. Again with the hilarity? That’s 2 days in a row that I felt the need to express gratitude for the genious that exists deep in the corners of the Twilight fandom.

  29. That was a MUCH needed laugh on this Monday morning. Sadly, most of that stuff has occurred to me too… Dying.

  30. Responses:

    3. Thanks for the coffee warning!

    4. Better than Gandalf…unless your elderly and a homosexual male.

    5. Okay, thanks for making me go visit Harry Potter Puppets. Thanks a lot. “Ron WEAsly”

    6. CUE BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY THEME MUSIC. Kids please go find your parent or guardian (as if you know what that word means) to guide you to the other room’s TV to put in a Bob the Builder DVD. Great, thanks! Hi there parents! Here we go! This week we’re going to talk about the science of semen, vampire semen that is. Let’s head over to the Design Lab to do some tests. CUT TO DESIGN LAB. Here we are in the Design Lab and you’ll see that I have three beakers, the first holds vampire saliva, the second vampire aqueous fluid–that is eye fluid, and the third vampire semen. Now the first two are venomous and cause a human to transform into a vampire, but the third does not. To help us solve this mystery, I’ve brought a very special guest onto the show. Please welcome Robert Pattinson. CUE LIVE AUDIENCE SQUEE. Say, Robert, welcome to the show. We’re wondering why vampire semen doesn’t transform a human into a vampire, like Bella in the hit series, the Twilight Saga. RPATZ: Well, Bill, first off, thanks for having me, and I actually think I can help. Stephenie Meyer indicates that we’re just supposed to use a suspension of disbelief on this subject, but I’ve figured out the answer. See, once I impregnate KStew in this scene, she actually starts to turn into a vampire via her fetus–or Nudger. RPATZ SMIRKS AT FANG. This is proved by her desire to drink blood and her hardened uterus. I hope this helps! BILL: That’s great, Rob. Well there you have it, folks. And remember, science rules! ROLL CREDITS.

    9. Way better than dying in the place of someone you love.

    10. True, because then instead of being dead, you’d have to get a fake leg since yours would’ve blown off.

    12. She was on Seasonique, but “accidently” forgot to get her shot in July.

    16. In the words of Embry, “OOH BURN!”

    17. Obviously not. Perhaps you didn’t call BIll Nye for an answer, despite that he went off the air in 1997. I suppose that demonstrates your lack of commitment, or more likely your lack of caring.

    UC, way too much emphasis on the fact that it’s Monday. Seven uses. Seven! Though it’s the Bibical number for “perfection,” it’s still too many uses.

    • Some quick corrections:
      *The DVD was of Animaniacs and Tiny Toons, not Bob the Builder, since Bill Nye’s audience is preteens, not
      *It’s aqueous humor, not fluid. Oopsies.
      *Obviously I don’t take Seasonique, as it’s a set of pills and not of shots.
      *Bibical isn’t a real word. Biblical however is.

      • *preteens not children. (OMG TYPING FAIL DAY)

    • No “n” word.

      Eww.

      Though I would take a smirk from Rob anyday.

      • I’m always thinking of you…

        • I don’t know if that is creepy or cute…
          ;)

          • (considering the “context” i’d go w/ cute)

          • Thanks ambushed. You got my back, baby.

  31. I may or may not have already thought of 14/17 of these…..

  32. Holy hell. after the morning I had this is exactly what I needed.

    And for the record, when someone usually tells me that I will laugh and need to pee and put down my coffee, I don’t believe them. I don’t laugh out loud like that usually…today, yeah, you got me.

    • Me too Sassy..I don’t take directions well…still cleaning up…and for the 1st time in my life considered putting Depends on my shopping list = truth!

  33. “Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?”

    This is a question I have asked myself many, many times.
    Love the post!

    Death by vampire ejaculation is my new fav phrase!

  34. ok the warning did nothing to stop my laughter. It could NOT be contained. I really needed that laugh so thanks a million! :) Glad I’m not the only one with these crazy/sick questions.

  35. #10, #14 and #16 have me crying!!!!!

    Thanks for the Monday office giggles, I needed them!

  36. If all that glitters is gold, shouldn’t burning vampires be a really lucrative business?

    • Why do you think Emmett and Jasper were dancing around like Jed Clampett doing the ho-down when they burned James? “Yeeeehaaard, we’s gunna be rich!”

    • i thought that the expression was “all that glitters is NOT gold’… that is what i have been told…

      but i like where your train of thought went! :D

      • You hang out with pessimists.

        • :P ;)

  37. Every one of these points, and more, have gone through my mind, I can’t help it. If you’re going to create a fictitious universe, you’ve got to make it plausible and internally logical, SMeyer, I’m talking to you. And I have read many fan fics that use these questions as primary plot points. The ones with Edward “enjoying” Bella’s period are particularly creepy. There was one that pointed out, since vampires don’t have blood, or sweat, or pee, or tears, why would they have semen? Good questions to ponder, while you’re trying to finish that quarterly report . . . .

    • Oh, and why would they have sperm, and viable sperm at that, if they can’t reproduce? Enquiring minds want to know, goddammit.

  38. Since abs hasn’t shown yet, I thought I’d include this photo

    • HEY, you found the picture of me in my Hallowe’en costume :D

      • that pic/costume was genius!

  39. I love this funny!

  40. I needed that laughter. Good times.

    Although I think this Blogger has swiped some points from one of the finest films ever made, and one of the finest characters ever created. I give you, my favorite exchange between Brodie and TS in Kevin Smith’s incomparable classic, Mallrats:

    Brodie: It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?
    T.S: Sure, why not?
    Brodie: He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.

    Aaaaaand scene.

    • I heard that all in their character voices. ::sniff:: time for some kevin smith tonight…

  41. number 7 made me snort. loudly.
    when i thought i was under control, i snorted at number 10.

  42. Number 7…7….7….7….7…7

    That’s where I climaxed….

  43. The Bloggess is a crazy funny and a great writer..I read this a while back but was not sure if I would get yelled at for sharing…cuz it’s a little anti-twi but funny enough to be on the same page with Moon and Uc’s awesomeness.

  44. 9. If you’re going to die anyway, I bet death by vampire ejaculation is a good way to go.

    That right there would have totes been a better way to start off Twilight than talking about dying the place of someone you love.

    • HA! That needs to be the opening line!!

    • Bwhahahahhahaahhaha, I have no words Sparklecakes. I have no words. THat didn’t even register in my mind until you said it. Now THAT would have been the best opening line ever written!!!!

      • And you know Kristen would have had the balls to say it. She’s awesome like that!

      • Man, really? I totally wrote that in my comment too! :(

    • I dont know what’s worse…getting your head blown off by vamp ejculation?….or getting scalded to death by werewolf ejaculation?…You know what I pick….What would you? imma stick that bumper sticker on ma wheelchair AND on the ’86 Rabbit…..since I’m going to hell for what I just imagined…..

  45. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by TWILIGHTF0REVER: Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight: It’s Monday. Time for another round of Mon.. http://bit.ly/6fBy7z

  46. Just one thing, my twitter is nwalmn
    @nwalmn

    hahaha i know is a little strange, but just for u to correct.

    and i cannot stop thinking about this things anymore!

    Farts!

    • whoops!? what did I do? I will fix

  47. Okay, thanks for the warning about the coffee and peeing first, I DID laugh out loud! Thank god I work in a little room all alone sometimes!

  48. Damn LTT, I cannot, I repeat, cannot get the image of Bella standing there with Edwards swimmers shooting out of her head. and hearing the zing zing as another shoots by like fireworks, sparkles and all…..
    OH Please make it stop…please!!!

  49. ah, yes, I already wondered about these … hehehehe .. but laugh. I am Brazilian, and have replayed this article pra many friends, very good .. thanks for the early weeks excited .. kkk

  50. #6-10….brill!!!!!

    I am dying of laughter….although I think I would much rather be dying of “death by vampire ejaculation” right about now….

    Can I have a three-way with Ron and Hermione? Emma is hot…and yes, I did just go there.

    • It’s cool. Last night I was pondering, among other things, if Watson’s going to do a spread for Maxim. I mean, she’s gonna be 20 in April. Maybe i just missed out and she’s already done it.

      vanity fair should do a shoot w/ their holy trinity I think.

      • Who’s their holy trinity?

        That would be one hot Maxim spread. Her Burberry ads a ridiculous already. She has really become one hot mama.

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