For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

puttin' out the vibes

puttin' out the vibes

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

A look of pure want. Wanting 2 boys that is

A look of pure want. Wanting 2 boys that is

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

The Rules: (feel free to print these out, laminate and keep in your little black book you’ll be buying)

Hey Kris, do you want pleats in your flannel or starch in the collar? The dry cleaners need to know

Hey Kris, do you want pleats in your flannel or starch in the collar? The dry cleaners need to know

01. You need to invest in some sort of little black book which you will pass off as a diary or whatever because you’re emo and angsty and shiz they won’t ask, but in reality this is where you’ll keep all your information straight. Phone numbers, birthdays (if you’re with them long enough to need this information), hotel room numbers, topics of discussion, your calendar of events. You can’t be screwing up dates or having your assistant buy birthday gifts when there is no birthday.

02. Approach this as a military campaign.  Your schedule should be tight as a drum.  Your theoretical boyfriend and your theoretically former boyfriend should never cross paths.  Like a mother with a toddler, you should carry around a big bag with distracting treats so you can text or call the man you’re not with–Hot Pockets and incomprehensible novels for Rob, thrift-store plaid shirts and fake scripts for “the next big movie that’s perfect for you” for Mike.  Practice, in the mirror, an authentic reading of the line “we’re just friends, baby!”  (Hint: try not to blink or stutter while you say it–they’ll know you’re acting.)  – Freya

03. This is all about multi-tasking. We know you are capable of this. I mean, we’ve paid hard earned money to watch you blink, stutter and speak all at the same time.  And dude!  That business is harder than it looks.  So, you have a basic working knowledge of what I’m saying:

  • You’re out to dinner with Oregano.  He’s complimenting you on how smartly you’ve styled the mullet for a night out on the town….meanwhile….you’re texting Rob under the table, relaying, in excruciating detail, what you plan on doing to him later with merely your pinkie, and a can of cheeze whizz.  See what we did there?  Simplistic and efficient.  Utilize technology – Proslyte3
How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

How do you feel about lunch at 130? I have an uhhh appointment at noon

04. Immediately give each boy his own ring tone on your cell….Secret Lover for Rob, perhaps? or maybe a little Lady Gaga Poker Face for Oregano? -vickyb

05. Oregano’s desperate.  The poor boy, bless his heart, hasn’t had a good job in ages.  You, Kristen, are his meal ticket, his sugar mama.  Around you, he’s back in the spotlight.  This means he will do anything – AN.Y.THING. – for you to keep you around.  So, my recommendation is to take advantage of that in the following ways:
Make him do all the shit you don’t want to do

  • drop off the dry cleaning, wash the car, clean the trailer, sign your headshots, respond to fanmail etc.
  • Force him to take a class in sensual massage.  Like I said, dude’s not working – you may as well put him to work on finding ways to please you. – Heyyyybrother

06. Hire a body double to handle those unavoidable scheduling conflicts.  Be sure she is willing to get a mullet haircut. They’ll never notice, they’re dudes after all - Tiffanized

07. They’ll want to take you out for dinners, lunches, coffee anything to be close to you. To make room for all this FREE food go to lunch with one and spend the afternoon together: work up an appetite (ifyouknowwhatimean), then after that “exercise” you’ll be ready to go to dinner with the other dude – HisOneandOnly

BUT remember:

Come on ride the train and ride it... CHOO CHOO!

Come on ride the train and ride it... CHOO CHOO!

08. Eating two or more dinners every night will turn you into a total cow.  As much as I’d like to see that, watching you waffle between the hottest man on earth and a condiment is even more entertaining, and I’d like to see it continue for as long as possible.  Learn the “hamster style cheek pack” technique so you can discreetly discard your uneaten food in the bushes on your way out of the restaurant – Tiffanized

09. Of course, you’re gonna need someone to act as an alibi and back your stories up… Lord knows Nikki Reed won’t have your back there because she’s still jealous.  Maybe Taylor?  He’s still young and innocent and pure of heart – he might actually buy your BS.  So always make sure Taylor can account for what you were doing so that Oregano doesn’t catch wind of WHO you were doing at a given time.  Just tell him you have a migraine or something and that you need to go lie down.  He doesn’t need to know that Rob’s going with you. – Heyyybrother

10. When you get caught–and you will–deny, deny, deny.  I don’t care what evidence they have, you just stammer and blink and say things like

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

They’ll give up the questions just to get you to stop.  No one can take more than ten seconds of that, trust. – Tiffanized

What about a quadrangle?!

What about a quadrangle?!

11. Or… if all of this sounds a little too complicated, there’s always option B: pitch the three-way love triangle.  Oregano’s jobless and desperate, and I think we all know how much Rob loves a bromance.  Hell, if you’d be willing to go even further and try out a love quadrangle (a reverse Big Love situation, if you will), you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.  Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it… Trust – Heyyybrother

So Kstew, with these simple guidelines you can juggle multiple men. We will get you through this, with our combined years of sluttiness experience. In the end you will be found out, because all good things must come to an end. But enjoy the “ride” while you can and if you pull this off you just might be my new favorite Lady Pimp Man Killer.

Did we miss any rules, do you think KStew is banging both of them?

A fellow Lady Pimp Man Killer,
Themoonisdown

PS big thanks to contributors: Tiffanized, Heeeyyybrother, HisOneandOnly, Freya, Pros3 and Vickyb. You guys brought the awesome!

Why are guys never depressed? UC explains it in Rob terms at LTR
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173 Responses

  1. ROFL!
    xox

    • if she’s noy bangin them both it just gives yet another reason to hate her with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

      If you need a place for rob to hide while your Bf is in town then may I duggest my house? My fridge is stocked with hotpockets and beer. There is a lovely smoking porch out back and we even have a shiny new dumpster behind the shed for…..uh….. ya know…stuff.

      • Why do u ppl hav grudges on this lil girl, I dont understand. KStews a smart one for sure..

  2. You’re such a good egg, doing this for Kristen. Who can seriously say that we hate KStew around here after all these helpful morsels of wisdom we’ve just passed on?! We also love her enough for Spice Girl shout-outs – I mean COME ON.

    Also, love the subtle allusion to the Want up there. Oh, and I have a new girl crush, and her name is Tiffanized. Brilliant.

    • Kristen Stewart Wants It… it’s a known fact and apparently she gets a lot of it…

    • Woman, “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst” was breathed from the mouth of God Hisself. If you weren’t already married to KSWI Jordan, I’d be down on one knee asking for your hand in fake lesbian marriage.

      • I am eternally grateful to you for leaning me about the “hamster style cheek pack” technique. I’ve been applying it to my high-caloric food all day. LTT even helps you to lose weight, what’s not to love…

    • you KNOW kstew was a spice girls fan. that was SO her generation

    • Someone gave me a thumbs down! What’s wrong? Not a Spice Girl’s fan? Not a fan of our “wisdom”? Not a fan of my girl crush on Tiffanized?! Meanie!

  3. Can’t write….laughing…pain in my belly, can’t see…gasping for air while laughing and holding my belly. O M G hilarious!!! Nice post btw

    • so AGREE!! just HILARIOUS!! good job!!

  4. I just don’t see the appeal…call me a hater or whatever but i TRULY don’t see the appeal…she looks like a 12yo boy with a bad haircut…AND she has the personality of a wet mop…she’s just so bleh…anyway I was cracking up while reading this!! Awesome ‘tips’ btw!! LMAO :D

    • HATER!!!!!!!!

      ♥ u!

      • I only ‘hate’ on her… ;) LOL

    • get ready to meet tammyo at the gates of HALE!

    • I <3 you for that comment. Truly, I do. I thought I was the only one who still felt that way. You may be my new hero.

  5. Dear Kristen,

    If it is all true..I just wanna say..I heart you BIG! and will be in total awe of you!

    Brummie

  6. I use #5 on my boyfriend daily.

    I am always telling him that he could never get another gf as hot as me at his advanced age (22).

    We have been together 6 years so I guess it’s working.

    ; )

  7. “you could get TomStu up in there and it’d be one big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst. Get a few Heine’s in Rob and he’ll agree to it”

    O.M.G. Can’t.stop.laughing.

    You have such a big heart, Moon, for helping a mullet-wearing sistah out.

    • i know!! i should get some kind of peace prize for this!! NOBEL here i come!

  8. And KStew, when you’re all done with the boys and you are feeling a little vindictive and want to spill every last detail… please come sit next to us.

  9. About three things I was absolutely certain:

    1. She has a mullet.
    2. Rob and Oregano are her bitches.
    3. I unconditionally and irrevocably hate her ass.

    • YOU WIN!!!!! That is all!!! :D LMAO

    • Love it…..good to know I’m not the only one suffering from jealously……..

      • No, you most definitely are not. :)

    • Hardest I have laughed all day. I am crying Gizmo! Crying! And I put on bottom liner with Dior mascara. Totally worth it tho!! Brill!

      • Glad I made you laugh. Screw Dior! :)

    • about ONE thing i am sure of: you are WIN!

    • *on one knee*

      Gizmo, will you fake marry me?

      • I will fake marry you.

  10. You girls are outrageous! ROFLMAO…No sleep so God help you all…

    Rule# 12: DO NOT USE POST-ITS…can forget to date/toss.

    Rule# 13: Make a huge list of sexy nicknames that you can call on when confused…men are not that bright anyway especially when your talking dirty!

    Rule #14: Divide Vancouver in half and color code. Red for Rob (of course) Green for Oregano (no explanation needed) ! Keep them in their zones!!

    Rule#15: Color code the calendar…same principle..see Rob on Red days/ Oregano on Green!

    Lastly, when you get caught and YOU WILL, feel free to borrow from me….”Damn, fell and hit my today while filming, Who are you and what am I doing here?” As a matter of fact, I will volunteer to be your coach…

    • Are you sure you hit your head Cyndi? Cause Rule #13 is advanced Lady Pimp…and I am happy to see that you haven’t lost THAT skill!!

      I ♥ You!!!

      • Heart you right back!! Sassy!!! Made my day as usual…

        Frantically trying to find the quickest way to ship myself a new Twilight DVD…thought those things were indistructable???? Instead I get msg…ERROR READING DISC….WTF….1st time since it came out I have not watched it and I now am all off balance…oh wait…I’m that way everyday….. :)

        • LOL! :-)

          LADIES!!! We have a Twi-mergency!!! We need a DVD STAT!

          I think that error message happens when you play the movie too much…so you need multiple copies for backup.

          Totally normal!

          • Sassy…for shame….(watching too much) !!!! How could you even say such a thing!!! LMAO….yes I ADMIT to watching at least once a day (alright perhaps 2-3) since the day it came out…but to just stop working??? …tried reading the book but w/o the movie..couldn’t do it!! :( Thus the reason for no sleep…I did however get my post-its reorganized….but feeling deep depression setting in just knowing my DVD is broken…:( Definately in crisis mode!!!

        • maybe the run-away missing chicken scratched it!

          • That damn chicken!!! If it had at least half a brain I would have realized when the hubs asked about having pizza (which he doesn’t even like) that I didn’t have to fess up about what I thought was the missing chicken!!! I should have just said “Great order up”…but nooo dip shit (that would be me) blurts out that I have torn the house apart looking for a freakin chicken that I didn’t remember eating the NIGHT BEFORE!!!!

          • @Cyndi – better to just fess up then and get it over with, I say. Otherwise, wouldn’t you just end up torturing yourself with the elusive missing chicken day in and day out? And that would be terrible – I would hate for you to have to go another day thinking you’ve lost a chicken!

          • @HeyyyBrother…..The one advantage and the only one is that I don’t have any sense of time/space etc., ( (which is why I screwed up the chicken in the first place…The post it that I read said “take chicken out of freezer” so I thought that I had…when in fact it was from the day before…chicken out/cooked/eaten….then I slept and didn’t remember…saw the post it and thought it was for yesterday..thus the hunt was on ) soooo after I sleep most all of the day before is gone….you following ANY of this???? Even when I don’t sleep like last night…I lose chunks of the day …makes life very interesting to say the least!!!

          • (I”m not sure this reply will show up AFTER the last one, Cyndi, but if it doesn’t I’m responding the fact that you lose chunks of the day after sleeping).

            There’s another advantage I can think of – every time you see Rob’s face, even if you’ve seen the picture a million times, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach-oh-my-gosh-he-is-DEVINE feeling like it’s the first time you’ve ever seen him. :D

    • Shouldn’t Robs color be plaid?

      • Oh man…your SO right…I warned you no sleep….but now that I think of it…..too complicated for KStew anyway…have to keep it simple!

      • @absolutelyvlc…oh so very true…that is why watching the movie everyday is like watching it for the first time!!! I am so desperate to replace my broken DVD….trying to figure out a way to disquise myself, sneak out of the house….omg scary…chills…and stealing the car….oh yah..no license…(minor detail) and go to WalMart…I am that desperate….I wonder if you forget how to drive?? Is it like riding a ………….bike??? Of course the last time I tried driving (long long time ago) I not only got to the store and didn’t know what I was doing there so decided to leave but couldn’t find my car…lol…luckily my daughter/husband came looking and found me…needless to say haven’t driven since. LOL!! They have a Big note on key rack that says NO DRIVING….no joke!!!

        • amazon dot com baby!!!!

          (by the way, I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry at your “drove to the store and forgot what I was doing there, then forgot where I put the car” story -but I’m gonna go with a little giggle cuz you LOL’ed and it’s a love giggle)

          • I HAVE to laugh at these things…the storys I could tell…sometimes I read my journals and I’m not sure whether or not to laugh or cry….so I almost always choose laughing!!! :)

            The problem w/ getting over the internet is it takes sooo long….especially w/ my time issues…what may only be 2-3 days could seem like a month to me…..and I have such a routine of reading/watching it everyday…ahhh so complicated…. :) still laughing…

      • “Shouldn’t Robs color be plaid?”

        AMAZING!!! could you imagine her color coding furiously in her little black book with like 4 highlighters to make it plaid?!

    • Woman – I about fell off my chair laughing over #13. Just goes to show you once you’ve got mojo, you can’t lose it!

      • Believe me Sassy….the mojo got lost w/that freakin chicken….been sleeping on the couch for THREE years….

        • It’s still there, babe, just hidden!

          • Ahhh thanks Sassy….but good news I am in fact back to sleeping w/ “Blanket Rob”..BTW .(my dog had the nerve to throw up on him today!! Could it be that her name is Annabelle but as I was recently told I have been calling her Bella….didn’t even realize it as she came to me anyway…) I personally think its a sign…Kristen has made her feelings known….just a thought…
            Also, I did wash “Blanket Rob”…in case you were wondering… hey how come you didn’t volunteer for my late night reading??? I figured you’d be the first to reply!! LMAO

  11. Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
    We should not be together
    But we can’t let go, no, no
    ‘Cause we love each other so

    Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
    Tryin’ so hard to hide the way we feel
    ‘Cause we both belong to someone else
    But we can’t let go
    ‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
    So real, so real

    You and me, are we friends
    Is this cool or do we care
    Can they tell what’s in our minds
    Maybe they’ve had secret loves all of the time

    In the middle of making love we notice the time
    We both get nervous ‘cause it’s way after nine
    Even though we hate it, we know it’s time that we go
    We gotta be careful so that no one will know

    LMAO, so fitting as a ringtone for Rob

    • Why did the song start out being sung, some how turned into Kellan rapping it through an open window while Rob and KStew do the dirty deed and Oregano bangs on the door?

      Sometimes I worry about myself.

      Secret lover is the best song!!! I have always wanted to use it during my lady pimpage. At last, I have not had the chance.

    • Too funny! The song I thougt of was “If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”. How old are we?

      Seriously, though, I really don’t get how she can string two guys along. I don’t know any man that wants to be the second bannana, if you get my drift. Don’t either one of these fools have any pride?

      She must be really… um… FLEXIBLE. (And she obviously hasn’t given birth to 10 pound babies, the hag!)

      • Von – love ya! It’s time to even the playing field a bit…just give her 10+ years and a few kids causing the need for kegels and we’re golden.

  12. WIN! This post was amazing and I’d love to see the look on everyone’s face if Oregano was actually in the Couve, that would be an epic win. I’ve always liked Oregano, thought he looked kinda cute in a few pics and they look like a cute couple in my opinion but yeah KStew when your done with them hit me up, I want some deets!

  13. Laughing so hard it hurts!

    Addition to #1: it’s important to mark up the diary with who was “it” on which day/time just in case you have to figure it out later, if you know what it mean … “accidents” do happen and you wouldn’t want to tell the wrong guy “happy fathers day”.

    • Welcome to the Maury Povich Show!!

      You’re the daddy! And you’re the daddy! And you’re the daddy!

  14. Wow …you girls sure seem to know what your talking about *scratches chin in wonder* hmm ….lol

    This is Kristen we’re talking about right? I am sure both boys know about each other and she has probably told them to work out the scheduling details themselves! She is BadAss like that ;) ha ha

    • TRUE STORY!

    • no joke! while she went out to lunch. on THEIR dime.

  15. OHMYGOD this is one funny post!!

    “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.” – quote of the day?

    I can’t convey how much respect I would have for KStew if this was all true. I pray to the Rob-Gods it is.

    As always, LTT wins.

  16. If all else fails she can always refer to the great motivational speaker, Eddie Murphy, and tell them each “It wasn’t me”…

    Oregano/Rob – “But I SAW you coming out of his room!!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “You are wearing his boxers!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “The paps have a sex tape of the two of you!!!”
    KStew – “It wasn’t me”
    Oregano/Rob – “Well…ok, maybe it wasn’t you”

    DENY, DENY, DENY!!!

    • Ok all I could think of reading this comment was the Shaggy song “It wasn’t me”

      But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
      Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me)
      I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me)
      She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me)

      • The song was inspired by the great Eddie’s inspirational words.

        I learned that on Google.

        • LMAO… good to know, you learn something new every day

      • hahahah The Shaggy Song…me too!

        • Also… Remember “It’s NOT a LIe if you believe IT!”

    • i was about to say isnt this a shaggy song too?!

      god that crap will be stuck in my head ALL day now. taking the place of we are the rob

  17. Sassysmart, you are so right, the first rule of Slutdom is Deny, Deny Deny.

    not that I would know anything about that.

    • Nope, nothing.

      • How do you think I keep the hubs in line…???? “Don’t mess with me, I could hurt you and get away with it, brain damaged ya know”….(even got a med card that says so lol) …. “honestly officer I have NO IDEA where he is and I can’t remember the last time I saw him”

        • BWAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!

          Like my sign on our pasture gate:

          “If no one knows you’re here, no one will know you are buried in the back yard”

          LMAO!!

          • LMAO….used to use that one on potential boyfriends coming to date the girls… The hubs would also use the line….” You better treat them right cause I’ve been in jail before and I have no problem going back”….. He WAS lying about being in jail..lol…but we’ll keep that part a secret…still have 3 single daughters… :)

        • You are EVIL, but in a GOOD way! Wonder if I could get away with it?

  18. This is very funny. I like the waffle. That sounds good. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

    • I’ll say it today: Heart you, bobbygee.

    • waffles are big daddy and under armour guy! wrong day bobby!

  19. OMG…if this is really happening she is my new HERO!!!

    Kristen…honey…a monumental task has been placed in your lap….DON’T EFF IT UP!!! Read above post and recite these tips to yourself daily….they are now your new mantra! Listen, this can be EXTREMELY successful with just a little planning. Take a tip from the ultimate “first wife Barb from Big Love”….all you need is a little organization. Just make sure your little black book has a calendar in it and set up a sex schedule. Just tell the boys you are turning over a new leaf and need to be more “regimented” with your “alone” time to get into character and voila….instant time to sex it up with two men!! Even set up “alarm reminders” in your iphone….don’t worry Rob will have no idea what that is all about…..he uses a Jitterbug phone for God’s sake…..and well Oregano….he seems to be completely occupied with the Green Santa, so no worries there either. Just remember…..we are counting on you….DON’T EFF IT UP!!!

    xo

    obird

  20. One tip that I neglected to mention last night:

    Do not, under any circumstances, declare your relationship status on facebook. Because, as we all know, once it’s on facebook, that shit is legit and there’s no “oooh… I didn’t know we were exclusive?” when Oregano catches her in a quickie behind the dumpster with Rob. So leave it blank, put up “It’s Complicated” for a little added mystery, or say you’re “In a Relationship with Nikki Reed” and have a good fake lezzie laugh about it.

    • Major. WIN.

    • I’m married and I don’t even have my relationship status up on FB.

  21. I can imagine the next “This is how you found us?” post with phrases like “big homolicious pile of grungy flannely angst.” We should get some interesting visitors to LTT soon. Good job for broadening the reader base, HeyyyBrother!

    Awesome post as always, ladies!

    • hahaha I shudder to think the clientele I’ll be bringing in with that line… yikes.

  22. Dude, I wish I had (at nineteen) the benefit of having ‘seasoned’ mentors to help me navigate the waters of (stringing boys along) love. It brings a tear to my eye to see the torch being passed. *sniff*

    • seriously we need to start holding classes. kstew can be our first student and will give us testimonials after we get her through this

      • Praise Reports…Heeeeeey!

  23. Damn, woke up the other morning and wondered when I turned into a mid-30s mother of two. If only I had a mullet; just think of the possibilities.

    • If only indeed. If we had a mullet and all this knowledge combined we LTR/LTT girls could possible rule the world.

      • Wait…we don’t rule the world?

        • I can come over and cut your hair?

          • Hot damn! I’m telling Rob…I mean my husband that he’s getting lucky tonight.

  24. No lie…if this is even remotely true, everything I hate about Kristen will be forgotten…even that atrocious rat orgy, festering on her head. She would be my ambassador of all things badass.

  25. :D I should pass these rules along…

    I’ve got plenty of lady pimp friends.

    xx :]

  26. LMAO I never would have thought “lady pimp” and “sugar mama” could be used in the same sentence as Kstew–”man killer” maybe–another thumbs up!

  27. Hahahah!

    Oh man, I’ve never had the pleasure of stringing two (or three or four) boys along! I’m so jealous. I might buy a black book just for the hell of it. It’ll contain the numbers of my Mom and my cats’ vet.

    • HAHAHAAH get those vets color coded. stat. they cant know about conflicting appts

  28. Uh…I vote for #11! That.Is.All.

    • It might be my fantasy come true, which is why I’m thrilled to be able to share it with all the ladies on here. Quadrangle, FTW!

  29. Another WIN for the day. Bringin the funny for me while im at the JOB.
    <3 your faces

  30. Confession Moon:
    last night when I said “OMG AMAZING POST” I meant the first two paragraphs were amazing- cuz I didn’t read the rest. I was too sleepy..

    But I really mean it now. AMAZING POST.

    I died. Pros? Tiff? Hey Bro? I knew the others were funny.. but dannngg you guys killed me

    and the COMMENTS. This day is a good day

    x

    • biotch! now ill have to be like ‘did you read the WHOLE thing?’

      ahahaha

      i gave you a thumbs down ;)

  31. OH MAN, you guys brought the funny! This is awesome. Freya, I love your idea of little bag of tricks. Boys are easily distracted and we shall always play on that weakness!

    You all made me laugh out loud today…and I may or may not be taking notes because when Rob and I are together and my husband won’t divorce me…well, I will need options. hahahahaha!

    • I would be very impressed with kstew, if she was really pulling this off…Almost like her, even. Got to respect someone who can walk away from Rob, to be with someone else.
      I was thinking the exact same thing, about using some of these rules on my husband and Rob, especially the one where you assign sexy nicknames. Wouldn’t want to call someone by the wrong name, in a “passionate” moment.

      UC and Moon rule

      xo

  32. #16- Promise them they will be the first to personally see your new stripper moves from ‘Welcome to the Rileys”.

  33. GREAT post today!!! Biggest high five. EVER. You spice up my life.

  34. When you call Oregano “Mike”, I just keep thinking, Mike, Mike who? Mike Newton?

    My two worlds have officially collided! The real world and my twi world! Go Kristen or Bella or whatever the hell your name is!

  35. “fake scripts for “the next big movie that’s perfect for you” for Mike” LMFAO

    Rule #12: BE SAFE.
    The world is simply not ready for plaid rumpers and baby mullinsons or mullegano’s.

    • Excellent tip! And innovative terminology, if I might add.

      Next time some Robsten fanatic (Rob-peace, I know) decides to make a 2nd-hand embarassing manip of the Mullensons, they should try and put that shit on the baby’s head for a reality check. Instantly there would be a Robsten-free Twi-community.

  36. Kristen, screw having Tom in the quadruple love fest and grab that dude who’s playing Riley…HAWT! I know you probably don’t know his name, but trust me, he won’t care. If you hit that shit too, me and you can be besties forever!!

    • id just have to punch her from jealously if she grabbed xavier. that would be over the line in lady pimp land. like WOW!

    • Why stop at 3 anyway? She can aim to be like Jordan over at KSWI and just keep amassing boy-lovers.

      She would be president of the Lady Pimp Man Killer Society if she bagged Xavier. He’d be the Sunday Night Special for sure.

      This post makes me sad that I will never be part of this society. Despite the fact that I’ve had the same one bloke for 5 years, I’m far to disorganised to make this fly.

      I also don’t have a 19-year-old libido any more! Imagine how toned her inner thighs would be…!

  37. If it’s true that Oregano is indeed in Vancity with Kstew, I’m gonna jizz in my pants (that’s what she said). Cause that would mean that she’s NOT with Rob. I just don’t think that she’s got game. Cmon, she’s a 19 year old with a speech impediment. Stringing along two boys? Pffftt.

    And Rob defs would not go for that. He told me so himself just the other day. “Robjunkie,” he said, “I am a good Catholic boy, and I value honesty and fidelity. Besides, you know there’s only one woman for me, YOU. So when all this hoopla is over, I’m coming in your pants to get you baby. Stay strong and send my love to the girls on LTT. It’s so kind of them to be concerned for my welfare. You have such considerate friends.”

    And in case you were wondering, he calls me Robjunkie cause he says it’s so cute that he’s like my own personal brand of heroin. Trust.

    • Oregano is not in Vancity, the stupid rumour has been debunked by Gossipcop. Can’t believe anyone would actually believe he would show up there. lol splashnews is FOS like 99% of the time.

      • Duuuude. Thanks for ruining it for me. No, really, that felt good. On second thought, I’m just going to pretend that it IS true and that Gossip Cop is full of shiz.. Yeah, that works. Phew, I feel so much better now.

  38. Reminder to KStew: don’t get caught in Rob’s clothes on an Oregano day. Not that anyone would notice.

  39. Methinks Oregano just cashed a big check. Courtesy of? SPLASH NEWS.

    Next thing you know, he’ll be wearing Ed Hardy hoodies and throwing pool parties in Vegas with his mother. Le douche.

    Robsten lives!

    • love the subtly jon gosselin dig! HAHAAH worlds are colliding!

  40. HOW can it cost more to SHIP a DVD than the DVD itself???

    • I wish I could send you a copy. I have two!

      • Your so sweet…..did you say you were from Maine???

        • Yes, I’m from Maine. I love it there! But I just moved to Georgia. My parents live there and I’m going to help them out for a while. :)

          • Oh jealous…I hate Maine….actually I hate the cold….

          • Are you from Maine?! You certainly don’t have to say, but if you are, that would explain why I like you so much!

          • @Oedipal Art …ayahhh….I am!

          • AH! That is so awesome! I wish I hadn’t moved. We could go see NM together. Rats!

          • What part of Maine, Cyndi?? I am but a stones throw away. In the green, gloomy, rainy state of Washing… er… Massachusetts.

          • @Oedipal Art….that would have been so cool to go to NM together…course you would have to drag me out of the house and promise not laugh too hard at me!! And of course we have to get Sassy too….oh what a night…I can’t even imagine it…Great friends &, bodyguards, twi experts to fill in the blanks, popcorn and ROB ON THE BIG SCREEN!!! It’s too much to for mind to even comprehend!!!! BTW you might want to consider one of those kiddie leashes…I get lost easy!! LOL

          • @Katie S….It funny that you mention that you live in MA…I went back and looked at Thursdays post and you said you lived just a short drive away in MA….and I was curious how you knew you were close by when I had not yet said where I lived????

          • Someone said you lived in Virginia… not sure who or why. Turns out you live even closer! I am not stalking you, I swear. All of my stalking time is taken up by Rob.

          • @Katie S…LMAO I KNOW your stalking time is fully dedicated to Rob….I was just curious that is all…

  41. I use #10 (Hospital Bella) on my boyfriend all the time, works like a charm! He gets so freaked out, that the discussion is over immediately (Thanks Kathy!)

    To me this Oregano sighting in Vancouver sounds an awful lot like a desperate plea. He’s probably begging her to take him back and honestly, if he flew all the way over there and spent his year’s worth of Mc Donald’s value menu dollars to get her back, I don’t think she disserves him.

  42. Thank you for the LOLz. This was all kinds of awesomeness!

    What will be the official name for this camp of believers? 2Timersten? DoubleOsten? Pimpsten?

    • ThreeWaySten

      • This! x

      • Perfect!

  43. HES NOT IN VANCOUVER. robsten is totally real.

  44. apparently it’s her brother, not Oregano – but whatevers. The idea of KBitch being with Rob is bad enough but cheating on the hottest man in the world? k-Bitch, you go, girl!

    When i was her age I juggled 3 men and had to call them all “Darling” to prevent mix-ups during passionate clinches. It was fun at the time but beware, KStew – cos I ended up single! My friend went one further & was engaged to three men and had to remember to swap the rings over depending on who she was seeing – she married a fourth man, but guess what? She’s single now too.

    So, maybe you should play the field Kristen – but one man at a time, OK? And shave off that frikken awful mullet – even the hair extensions ain’t helping to disguise it.

    • Does anyone else find it bizarre that she used to date a guy who looked enough like her brother to be mistaken for him? And that said guy has a sister named Kristen? I think there is some Freudian shit going on with K-Mullet.

  45. OMG! I just found out about your blog like…. 3 days ago (thank stephanie for that xD), and laughed my ass off with this post! really! you guys are AMAZING! and the comments are killing me also xD as a former pimplady, i tell you! all of those rules work! just had problems with the rule about the sexy names in THOSE moments xD ahahah hard to keep track you know?? LOOL

    • woo hoo! Pimp ladies unite! XO

    • That’s why you always use the same one.
      ;-)

  46. I have been LMAO on this post & all the comments today – THANKS LADIES (and unicorns!).

  47. I have to share this… we get a TON of spam on the blogs but wordpress has a really good spam filter.. spammers get really creative- most of the time these days it’s an actual PERSON spamming.. taking 1 word from the post and commenting on it. This was the latest:

    ‘Apologize for my bad english, I deliberate on its a winsome hell of your writing. Kind-heartedly I have faced alot of difficulties in this condition but your article will definately relieve me in future. Thank You’

    Clearly.. this spammer is having a difficulty in her ‘condition’ of juggling two non-english speaking men….. any advice for her and her future?

    • Another rule…when caught in a ‘compromising’ position, just start babbling in another language.

      • I’m portuguese, so that rule will really work when i’m spending some time with Rob xD

    • “your article will definately relieve me in future”

      Some of the fuckhawt Rob photos you post definitely help relieve me.

  48. KStew stringing two guys along, unable to make a decision conclusively between the two? Methinks I smell some method acting going on up in the Couve!

    “May the best man win.”

    “That sounds about right…oregano.”

  49. Oh crap, I was so busy reading and laughing that I burned the rice I was cooking and my whole kitchen fille up with smoke. I’ve never actually set rice on FIRE before. You all are a bad infulenc on me, and I just can’t get enuf. I’ve never visited a blog before this one, so I have no boudaries yet. Myu hubby just called from work and the kids ratted me out. He’s suggesting AA… any suggestions from my new friends who TRULY UNERSTAND???

  50. shame on you Von… burning the rice!? lool where is this world going to be when we start burning food because of twilight!!?? LOL Order a pizza xD Tell your husband you’re completely normal!.. It’s the rest of the world who’s insane!!!!! right?? they just don’t get it..

    • I have to say, I haven’t laughed like this in forever. Right now my hubby and boys are “humoring” me, I’m sure because they believe I will grow out of this. What they really don’t understand is how deep I’m in, and how unexpected it was. I know y’all are total strangers to me, but I have more in common with you than most people I spend time with daily. Even my best friends, including the one who turned me onto Twilight in the first place, don’t get this level of obsession. At least in this world I AM NORMAL and they can all just piss off!

      • I’m somewhat ashamed to admit I’m there with you. We should start a 12 step program. Here…I’ve started step number 1 for us with a little help from AA:
        We admitted we were powerless over Rob—that our lives had become unmanageable.

        OK…not sure I’m ready to admit to that, but I’m thinking that since there is more dirt on my daughter’s feet than in our back yard, I should probably attend to the bath time routine.

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