Dear “All the single (LTT) ladies,”
I know. It’s rough out there. You meet a nice fella, and he takes you out, but it just doesn’t feel right. He took you to a day-time baseball game so clearly he doesn’t sparkle. In like 10 minutes he consumed 3 cheeseburgers and 4 hot dogs with chilli & onions on top, so obviously he’s not a “vegetarian.” He didn’t seem very interested in finding out what was hidden in your mind, and you’re pretty sure he grabbed the beer girl’s ass when he thought you weren’t looking. Is it you? Is chivalry dead? Are your expectations too high because of that vampire story you blew through in a weekend? Yeah, probably. (But in the case of this baseball date-dude, he sounds like a fat slob, so good call on saying no to date #2).
It’s safe to say that the Twilight Saga has created some unrealistic expectations of men for many women. (A week or so ago Lauren from Lauren’s Bite wrote a great bit about this very topic.) We think we know the solution to your problem- what you really need: A Unicorn of your very own!
If you’re new to LTT/LTR you’re probably asking what the H a Unicorn is. Well, check out our first post about a Unicorn here, but basically a Unicorn is a mythical creature- something no one is really sure actually exists. Aka: A man who reads, loves or watches Twilight. Unicorns tend to hang out at airports, but we’ve spotted them a few other places over the past few months, including on our very own blog! (If all this time you’ve been thinking we’re talking about the “unicorns” in the fan ficton Wide Awake well, you would be wrong (and kinda perverted)! If you’re unfamiliar with what a unicorn is in Wide Awake… I’ll tell you when you’re older)
As a young married gal (not to a unicorn but to a guy who says stuff about rob) who runs a blog where unicorns like to lurk, I feel I am appropriate skilled in the art of making a unicorn. You can call me your guru, I won’t mind.
Step 1: (cut a hole in the box) Find yourself a male. Any male will do, but it would be best if he’s someone you could see yourself gettin’ it on with (cuz that’s what happens with me as your guru). Don’t worry if he seems a little out of your league. I’m the best at this, I assure you.
Step 2: Invite this outta-your-league guy over to your home. Tell him Ashley Greene is going to be there (“we’re going to lie”- name that quote!)
Step 3: Get him liquored up. Offer him any type of alcohol he’d like. When he asks where Ashley is, tell him she was swinging by to pick up Kristen, Rachelle & Nikki and they said to start without them.
Step 4: Keep him drinking until he passes out. Once he does, figure out a way to tie him up nice and tight. (An older brother or a burly man would be helpful in this step- ooh- you can ask the fat slob from your baseball date!)
Step 5: When he awakens from his drunken slumber, tell him he isn’t allowed to leave until he reads all 4 books AND watches the movie (and the ET New Moon specials). If he resists, tell him the Twi-girls asked him too. Tell them they’ll reenact the scene in the middle of Eclipse when all the lesbian vampires get it on (“we’re going to lie”)
Step 6: A Unicorn is Born!
I was discussing this post with my husband trying to get some creative “how to make a unicorn” ideas and he said,
Mr. Choice: A dude isn’t going to go hang out with some ugly chick and watch Twilight just because there’s beer there. Nobody likes beer that much.
Eff him. So I asked,
Me: What if it was a hot girl?
Mr. Choice: If he thought if he was going to be able to hook-up with her.”
As a result of this conversation I have another method for you to try which might possibly be more effective:
Step 1: Get hot (if you’re not already)
Step 2: Invite outta-your-league guy over to your home with no mention of Ashley Greene
Step 3: Tell him that if he watched Twilight with you, you’ll hook-up with him after.
Step 4: Ride ‘em hard.
Step 5: A unicorn is made (hopefully both kinds)
Told you I was a guru.
Thanks to LaPush baby for the idea!
Coincidentally, the DAY I wrote this, ArmyUnicorn (our latest unicorn on LTT) wrote a how-to-guide for creating your own unicorn. Although, I think mine is more realistic (and his doesn’t include Step #4 of my second method) his is kinda decent. Read after the jump!
Dear LTT gals,
Ok, here you are: A do-it-yourself guide to creating your very own unicorn. Here are 8 tips, in descending order of difficulty, to get your guy interested Twilight. As a unicorn myself, I took my insider’s knowledge about guys to figure out a few points which might sway the average guy to our way of thinking.
8- Mention vampires and/or werewolves every time you talk about anything twi-related. These are key words which never fail to interest a normal guy.
7- Ask him if he knows anything about the cars or bikes in the books. Tell him you want to know more about them so you can imagine them better in the story. If he’s a car guy, he’ll be more than happy to go way deeper into detail than you care to hear, but it’ll definitely draw his attention.
6- Talk about your disgust, real or feigned, at some of the more gory parts – Victoria being torn apart and burned, creepy little Jane torturing people with her mind, three thousand year old uber creepy vamps luring innocent tourists to the slaughter, and so on. Pretend to go to him for comfort while reading those parts. He’ll be interested in the gruesome details, while simultaneously be pleased to comfort you. A double whammy.
5- Men love super powers. Why do you think so many of us are crazy about comic book characters and superhero movies? Primitive, vicious, nearly indestructible hunters like Demetri or James sound very similar to a dude called Wolverine. Amazonian women who can create illusions. Bizarre Egyptians who can move the elements with their minds. Super speed. Super strength. Mind reading. Casually mention something about how much you’d like to have one of them, or compare powers and see which he prefers.
4- The average guy won’t be very willing to drool with you over Rob. Make a point to mention the girls now and then. Kristen is fantastically beautiful, if a little on the young side. Rosalie, wow, hello. Victoria, what guy doesn’t love redheads? Any woman willing to discuss another girls attractiveness will find herself with a very compliant guy.
3- If he’s an intellectual, or an artist, give him a dose of twi-losophy. I remember reading a post on here earlier about how one reader felt overwhelmed by Twilight and refused to read the rest of the saga, while most people have the opposite reaction and need to know what happens. It’s the nature of art, to consume us body and soul, to enflame our passions, our longings, our losses, our confusions. Art reflects life, and when something elicits those deep emotions in us, we get drawn in so easily. The saga is a story after all, talk about the abstract qualities of an emotional work of art…if he’s into that kind of thing.
2- Another on for the intellectually inclined: there’s always something to talk about with vampires. Questions about immortality. Being literal when you tell someone that you’ll love them forever. Carlisle’s compassion and vegetarian philosophy in the face of his nature. Whether or not they are damned, or if sin and hell are just concepts talked about in buildings with steeples and pews. Edward’s morality, trying to do the right thing for Bella, wanting to save her, but changing her in the name of love anyway. If your guy is of the sort, it may help to intellectualize a book which he might see as girly or lowly popular fiction.
1- The central theme to the saga is a love story. If your guy loves you, or the friend you’re converting has ever been in love, then he’s got the general idea. If you’ve ever had a serious talk with him about your real life love before, maybe he’ll listen if you talk to him about how Bella and Edward remind you on occasion of the two of you- how sometimes, when Bella gets lost in his eyes, that you’ve felt the same way with your guy before. Or how you’ve had moments where a simple little kiss would release a wave of passion, and it reminded you of the time when… If he associates the romantic parts with you, maybe it won’t seem too feminine to enjoy on his own (something I’ve never understood, anyway. I’ve been a hopeless romantic for far too long to really get how guys can let ego or machismo stand in the way of appreciating a good love story, fictional or not. In my opinion healthy love requires a balance of the masculine and feminine).
Anyway, there you have it. Go now, and conquer. Be like Caesar over the Rhine, vini vidi vici.
*Anyone interested in knowing if ArmyUnicorn is single? I am! I bet some of you are…(hint Moon, Hint!)