Twilight New Dump… a lot of football and a dry hump picture

Dear LTT-ers,

There’s lots of crap happening in the Twidom that probably should be mentioned but we don’t have time to write entire letters about… so it’s time for another news dump…

• Dear Kristen is that a… uh… “cold sore?” You, uh, might wanna get that checked out

• Should we start taking bets now on how long it takes before Ashley asks Tom Felton to show her his “vanishing cabinet?”

Why am I playing this American sport called football? Cause I'm CHUCK BASS!

• Remember when we talked about the Celebrity Beach Bowl? Sadly, they were NOT shirtless but Taylor sure wore some gloves. And I gotta ask, is this kid SERIOUS?! Look at the pictures of him running, jumping, lunging, diving. WTF? Did anyone else on the team do any work?

And then later…

• Really guys, you’re fighting over an introduction to Hilary Swank? She would probably knock you both out for being such pansies and not taking a picture with each other

Kellan talks about the support Calvin Kleins give him as well as the fact they “hold him together.” This should make me feel weird, right?

Follow the cut for some more news like dry humps in the meadow

Dear Hollywood Twilight; you killed my dream

Darling readers: I watched football (the American kind- not soccer) last night. AKA the sport that’s been proven to cause brain damage in its players. And therefore I believe it has caused brain damage to its watchers. (It’s the only explanation I can come up with for ANYONE thinking that “Coors Light” (the official beer of the NFL) is worth drinking) and as a result I cannot lead today’s Twilosophy discussion. But have no fear, we have a fan letter to act as your teacher today! XO, UC

Dear Hollywood Twilight,

I will open this letter by admitting one thing…you had already turned Twilight into a movie before I began reading the books. I knew you existed, but out of complete disinterest, I knew nothing about the movies or the actors within.

Then my curiosity began to grow over these books that my educated, married, adult girlfriends were enraptured with. I knew they were written for teenage girls, so why in the world would my coworkers be so enthralled? So I decided to give Twilight a shot. And I fell hard. I should not have, but I did. The book made me swoon. I wanted more. I needed more.

Let me pause and tell you that I fancy myself an educated woman. I have an advanced engineering degree in a very specialized field from one of the most prestigious engineering schools in the country. I have always been an avid reader. My personal favorites belonged mostly on an assigned reading list for a literature class rather than in the young adult section…even when I was a young adult. There was no reason I should like these books.

But I did. Oh, Hollywood Twilight, I loved those books.

The "real" Edward Cullen?

They resurrected someone in me with whom I had not spoken in a long time. The girl who dreamed that the perfect man existed. The man who was smart without being obnoxious, athletic without being prideful, attractive without the narcissism, gentle without being weak, and a gentleman without being corny. I had once imagine this perfect man existed. It was a happier time before the world introduced me to reality. I dreamed of Edward, although he never previously had a name. Now that I had read these books though, “Edward” would work. It seemed to fit.

I saw your movie adaptation of Twilight and was disappointed, appalled even. You know, Hollywood Twilight, it is your line of work that is supposed to bring stories to life. But you failed. You failed miserably. I was heartbroken that the Forks in my head was so much more realistic than the town you portrayed in that terrible excuse for cinematography. As an engineer, I should not be able to conjure up more desirable images in my head than you can on stage. But I did. And it made me throw up a little in my mouth.

But you know. I am a forgiving person. You didn’t have much of a budget. I can excuse that. You were born out of a cult following. I can get over it. The atrocity that was your movie didn’t stay with me long. It (the movie and the experience) was less than memorable.

Should've been Edward Cullen

As the release of New Moon approached, I became excited. I knew a bigger budget and a new director meant something good for this movie. I reread the series, including Midnight Sun and my Forks was alive once again. I began following blogs like LTT and LTR. I was so enthralled with what was to be. I began drowning in photos and trailers of actors and characters and sets, and all of their personal drama. It was very much like that teenage girl in me was flourishing again…following Hollywood drama liked I honestly cared.

And I was not disappointed this time. This movie was much more like what had played in my head originally. Sure there are discrepancies from the book, but I can handle a few of those. This one was more along the lines of my dream-scape.

But oh, Hollywood Twilight, it was not until last night that I realized the extent to which you have affected my life. I had no idea how far-reaching your ugly hand could reach. You see, last night I settled in for a nice long, bubble bath. I wanted–no needed–to escape the chaos of the day and the exhaustion that results from motherhood. So I grabbed Twilight off the bookshelf for the first time since last June. It would give me a dose of guilty-pleasure reading that I needed. An escape from reality.

As I got to that first cafeteria scene, I stopped dead in my tracks. I re-read it. I was mortified. I wanted badly to bang my head into the side of the bathtub to get the images out of my head, but thought that might cause great distress when my husband came running to find out what I was doing. You see, Hollywood Twilight, you have invaded my fantasies. The Edward that I had fallen in love with was no longer there in that book. It was Robert-freaking-Pattinson. WHY?!?! I read it about 3 times trying to get the imagine of him as Edward out of my head, but he just would not go away. Curse you, Hollywood Twilight. Curse you.

The Fan choice for Edward Cullen- TomStu

You see…I’m not a fan of Mr. Pattinson. I know there are others who will vehemently disagree with me, and I can respect their opinions. But he is not MY Edward. My Edward was very different. Not a bad acting, sullen, sparkly Edward who needs to find some tweezers for those brows, but my own personal reverie.

So now I wish you to know that while I will continue reading the series again, I am afraid that the saga is ruined for me. I will now probably take much more notice of the repetitive adjectives, the impracticality of this teenage girl’s interaction with other people including her father, the holes left in the plot by the over-fictionalization of vampire lore. I will probably notice much more that Jacob was so much better for Bella than Edward, and that from a psychologist’s point of view, Bella had some real dependency issues (and Edward was quite the stalker). That’s right, Hollywood Twilight. You’ve killed my dream.

Thanks. (sardonically)

–Hoping to one day reunite with MY Edward

This week we’re running some AMAZING contests on LTT, LTR and The Forum and we’re giving away the most amazing prizes. Make sure you check out the Letters to Twilight Valentines Day contest!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Valentines Day Contest & Giveaways

Dear LTT readers,

Remember when we used to run contests and give out fake prizes? Like a 3 day, 2 night tropical vacation to Isle Esme with Edward? Isn’t it nice that after a year plus of running the blogs we can actually giveaway REALLY GREAT prizes from some of our favorite places!? Well, get excited because we’re about to giveaway the most amazing stuff to some very lucky contest winners from our favorites: Bella Bejeweled, Dwell Deep, Jeweled Ambrosia & Lobotome.

We’ve got TWO ways to enter: The contest here on LTT contest is Twilight-related and LTR’s contest is Rob-related. The prizes are slightly different, so make sure you check out BOTH contests! PLUS we have two contest going on in The Forum! Have you joined yet?

Here are the details:

Like this... only BETTER!

Contest: So here’s the deal… remember those conversations hearts that you get around Valentine’s Day? Yea, those chalky little hearts with little sayings on them? Yes, the same ones that Jacob gave Bella for Valentine’s Day in New Moon. Yes, the same ones they released as Twilight merch that “sparkle” and taste awful and have boring little Twilight things written on them? Same thing. Only we’re kicking it up a notch and asking YOU to design funny, hilarious, cute, naughty, just plain wrong, Twilight and Rob conversation hearts! Go wild, add sayings, making up something funny, add an image what would REAL (LTT/LTR) Rob/Twilight conversation hearts say? Only thing is it’s gotta fit on the heart!

Need a heart to get your started? Here’s a couple…

(click on these to save a larger version)

Don’t have a photo editing program? You can upload one of these hearts to this awesome site called Picnik and add text and save! SUPER easy!

Rules: Email in your entry by 11:59pm Friday night (2/13) EST to Letterstotwilight@gmail.com. General Twilight (non-Rob)-related hearts will be eligible for the prizes below. Enter as many times as you’d like. Contest is open to EVERYONE. Even if you live in Antarctica

Prizes:

1st Place

Jeweled Ambrosia: The first place winner is gonna make everyone jealous with this amazing necklace from Jeweled Ambrosia. You’ll probably remember us raving about Jeweled Ambrosia’s adorable vintage-inspired Twilight jewelery a few weeks ago. I squeed when I saw this necklace with a Twilight charm and red 14mm Swarovski cystal heart!

Make sure you hop on over to Jeweled Ambrosia to lust over her other amazing jewelry. I was over there yesterday and saw this great “Create-your-own Twilight inspired jewelry” option! AWESOME Valentines gift idea! (Plus, mention LTT/LTR at checkout for FREE shipping!)

2nd Place

Dwell Deep: Second place prize is a print of the amazing painting UC’s friend Sam from Dwell Deep did called “Loss or Lost.” We shared Sam’s art with you just last week and mentioned this painting was inspired by the Lykke Li song from the New Moon  soundtrack. In this print, a girl curls up in a nest of twigs, safe but lost. The text reads, “A silence… and a numb feeling to hide the pain.”

The image measures 7″ x 7″ centered on a white 8.5″ x 11″ sheet of heavy weighted paper. All of Sam’s drawings, paintings and crafts are really amazing, but we especially love this Twilight-inspired one! Plus this week in Sam’s Etsy shop, she has this print on sale for $10! (Originally $15!) You can check it out here (Want another chance to win this print!? We’re giving another one away in Rob’s Flat on the forum in the daily chat!)

3rd Place

Lobotome: The 3rd place winner will take home (aka we will mail you) our favorite notepad in the history of notepads: The “Bite Me” Notepad! You’ll probably remember the first time we talked about this Notepad when we gushed over it like crazy people, but literally we’ve had one of these notepads in our handbags every since we first got them! Plus we have a cute little image on our sidebar that glares at you every day, tempting you to buy one!

If you’re looking for an affordable, amazing gift any Twilight lover would LOVE, pick up one (or many) of these Notepads. Hop on over to “Specials” on her webpage to check them out. Plus if you’re a part of the “Big Loser” weight-loss group on the Forum, we’re giving away Lobotome’s “FIT ME” healthy living notepad over there! Check out the details on THAT contest!

Seriously, we weren’t jokin about GREAT prizes, were we? (Fine- who are we kidding- a vaca to Isle Esme with a headboard breaking man is MUCH better!) So enter NOW and make sure to check out the contests over on LTR and The Forum!

Love,
UC & Moon

The Super Bowl? What’s that? Time for some shirtless Twilight guys

Dear LTT-ers,

While the dudes in your life are watching some ritualistic sporting event that’s really about the commercials and the food, that some folks call the Super Bowl, what are we supposed to be doing? I don’t even  know the teams that are playing and I could care even less who wins. So what’s there left to do for the rest of us who could give a crap about competitive sports? Yup, that’s right the Celebrity Beach Bowl. Now I know you’re gonna say, Moon that’s a sporting event too, why should I care? I’ll tell you why! You should make your boyfriend/husband/dad/best friend/whoever turn to the Celebrity Beach Bowl because KELLAN LUTZ AND TAYLOR LAUTNER will be competing. Yup, that’s right. We’re talking two hot men in something called a BEACH bowl. So that can only mean shirts vs. skins BEACH football. The chance for shirtless gazing is high. The chance for then frolicking through the surf while they go long for a pass is very high. The chance for drool, yup, even higher! So what should you do tomorrow when the guys turn the channel to watch the “Lingerie Bowl” (yup, there is one) host your very own Celebrity Beach Bowl party in your bedroom/craft room/playroom/den/bathroom/laundry room with all the ladies who were dragged along. Crack open some wine and hand out the fans cause it’s gonna be hot…

Here’s a little preview of what I imagine this event to be like…

vs

FULL CONTACT!

Want a video version?

(Can we all please laugh at the amazing song choice for this video? Better than the porno tune Rolling Stone had)

When you return from your own private ladies only bowl party and the guys ask why everyone’s panting and flushed, just tell them to watch out for the salsa, cause it’s HOT. Muy caliente. Ay, papi.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday. Enjoy the wings!
Themoonisdown

Need more info, better get your DVR ready!

What will you be doing tomorrow? Watching Taylor and Kellan at a Super Bowl party? Eating a lot of chips and salsa in the kitchen? Have you seen that Rob picture from Details? WOAH.

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Taylor Lautner: It’s the final countdown

Dear Taylor,

I thought as the final countdown begins to your 18th birthday and the day when Chris Hansen finally gets off our back (5 days!) we’d kick off this weekend with two fan letters to you. Enjoy your last few days of protection from Cougars due to your age. If you thought it was bad when you were underage (grown woman giving you their panties to sign) just WAIT until you’re of age….

Love,
UC

Dear Legal in Georgia and New Zeland (in case you feel like promoting over here – thatswhatshesaid),

Stop looking so good, its contagious…I mean seriously….you’re making K-Stew look appealing…in a girl-crush-fake-lesbian way. And if you can do that…you are officially a GOD (apart from Peggy Sirota of course…)

You should seriously package that….I can see it now

“SIMPLY ILLEGAL” - All you need is Lautner

“Do you feel inadequate next to your illegally buff boyfriend? Then “Simply Illegal” is for you! Be the envy of boys AND girls when you enter the room. It will instantly make you look and feel better (in a “special hug” sort of way)..so go ahead, throw your head back and laugh….cause you’ve got a Lautner (and indecency charges on your hands)…and thats all you’ll need”

SIMPLY ILLEGAL – Lust, Lawsuits, Lautner…

I’ll work pro-bono (thatswhatshesaid) as your personal assistant in this venture…I’m an expert neck sniffer….

Obsessed with you much?

Love,
Moi

p.s. K-Stew…I know you want to lick that sexy neck…especially that adam’s apple and the rise in his shoulder *need.air.* (i mean jaw porn much?)….but u made ur choice…deal with it…

One of the last letters about an underage Taylor EVER after the jump!

Kellan Lutz shows us his Calvins and I have questions…

Dear Kellan,

Dear, dear Kellan. Deaaaarrrr DEAR deeeeaaarrr Kellan. So the pictures from your Calvin Klein panties ad have finally come out and I have a few questions…

Out of the hundreds of photos you undoubtedly took, why does the image they chose for the ad have you covering up your face? Are you embarrassed? Are you just a piece of meat for them to sell their man undies with? Are you just another crotch to them?

Upon closer inspection (ahem) why do the crotch of these drawers look like a big bulls eye? Like her’s the target ladies, good luck aiming correctly!

Did you have to tell the gay assistant guy who was spritzing you: “Hey, eyes up here Javier!?” Cause if I’m honest it’s hard to look anywhere else. Also, where can I apply for the spritzing job? I have my own spritz bottle and baby oil. FYI.

Is that a gym sock or a hand towel? WHAT?! You know it’s common knowledge that underwear models stuff their goodies down below. Don’t act all surprised. The weird thing is it’s looks different in ever picture. What’s going on with that? Did you see a picture of Rick Warren between shots?

If X marks the spot Kellan, than this one is a little high, dontcha think?

Ok, ok so we’re giving you a hard time. This takes a lot of guts and some cajones to model Manties (man panties) and we’re not complaining. AT.ALL. I mean I may even make a run through the men’s underwear dept at Nordstrom just to see this picture in real life. Ok, maybe I won’t but feel free to come model these at my place anytime.

X is where it’s at
Themoonisdown

Images from Socialite Life

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Twilight stuff that should not exist…. then some that should

Dear Twilight art lovers,

While we’re waiting for the leg hitch anything from David Slade & Summit, I thought we’d take a stroll through the Twilight Saga Art Gallery to see what’s new. What I love about this saga is all the crap it provides that I can make fun of that with each new movie, more and more people are inspired to make horrifying beautiful art. I hope their inspiration doesn’t wane. And I hope that with the new stills of Eclipse that we’re sure to see any day now and the eventual images of Taylor Lautner and a little girl from Toddlers and Tiara’s and the shots of Kristen Stewart with a prosthetic pregnant stomach when Breaking Dawn starts filming, some creative artists will make us drawings, paintings, sculptures and finger puppets so that the images of Taylor and a baby and Kristen with child can be etched in our minds forever. And with just the touch of a button and the virtual swipe of a credit card on Etsy, we can each have a physical reminder of the incredible creepiness of the storyline of a grown boy imprinting on a child powerful story of love between Edward & Bella.

First, an artful homage to Jacob Black

Good thing she copywrote this drawing. I was about to make 1,000 copies and sell them at the Remember Me premiere in March for Rob to sign. (Instead I’ll just bring him my Twilight books)

Something for your baby to wear in the church nursery

Oh you think this is just an attractive pic of Taylor Lautner shirtless? I did too. Look closely at what he’s touching

Let’s not forget about Jasper

The crazy thing is, he actually looks better here than he does in the movies….

And how about a little Robsten art love?

These little upside-down clay pots representing Bella & Edward come with a cardboard cut out of the Meadow scene for you to act out when your husband is asleep!

Don’t ask why. Ask why not!

Thankfully, there is GOOD Twilight art out there. Follow the jump to see some that might be new to you!

Hey, David Slade! Where are the Eclipse exclusives?!

Whoopty-friggin-doooo

Dear David Slade,

One image and no trailer and we’re 4 months away from the premiere for Eclipse? Why? What is up over there at David Slade Headquarters, Inc.? Seriously… something’s wrong, isn’t it? At this point before New Moon we already had: Oodles of images, 1 mini trailer for MTV Video Music Awards, 2 clips from ComicCon, and if my math is correct the first trailer that played before Band Slam, and maybe a couple little interviews. So much so, I had to declare born again virginity and put on my New Moon chastity belt. So far the belt’s laying in a corner gathering dust and I’m begging on the streets (of Twitter) like a h00r. What gives?

Now that I’ve said that, let me first start off by saying I have to say THANK YOU for not bombarding up with clips, and interviews and crap like we got with New Moon. Which was SO overkill. But I also have to say a LITTLE something would be much appreciated. I know us bloggers are dying for anything to post. ANYTHING. And not that snoozeville of a picture you guys released of Edward and Bella in the meadow. YAWN. I could have taken that myself with a cardboard cut out of Edward/Rob and me in a Bella wig in the weeds at Griffith Park. Nice try though.

This is it?! At least we got some plaid in there

Why don’t you give us a 30 second super teaser trailer! The the box block of all mini trailers! Make us WANT IT even more (that’s what she said). Make Twitter explode from all the speculation. Trust me, it will be SO worth it to see those tweets instead of the ones that Twihards tweet you on a daily basis begging for some Bella/Edward/Jacob threesome action.

The real Eclipse!!

Since we haven’t seen anything new from Eclipse I can only assume the following…

01. There was a horrible error at the film processing plant thus completely erasing all the footage you shot and you’re currently having to go back and reshoot the entire movie using the mini Edward/Bella/Jacob dolls from Hot Topic along with a couple GI Joes for the Volturi, a Ken doll for Carlilse, a slutty Bratz Doll for Victoria and a Teddy Ruxpin as the wolfpack a la “Be Kind Rewind” since there is ZERO budget left to buy more glitter, white pancake makeup and jorts.

Follow the cut for the rest of my speculations on why there have been ZERO Eclipse exclusives

Say it loud, I’m a Twi-Hard and Proud!

Nothing gets me pumped to continue writing on LTT day-after-day and continuing loving the movies and the books and the whole entire saga like a really good fan letter!

Say it! Out Loud!

Dear LTT,

Although I have been a huge fan of Twilight since August of 2008 I only recently found the blogging world of sanity that I now flock to daily like a crow and road kill. From the brazen posts of UC and Moon I decided that I was going to “come out” of the Twilight Closet in a big way…

Every single person I know, they know about it (The Twi-Hard “it factor”) because I can’t shut up. I have stopped restricting myself. See I’m hard core about this shizzz. There is no room for error, no room for misinformation or misquotes and no room for a semi-twi-hard to step in my path. I’m not Avril Lavigne soft punk over this, no, I’m Johnny Rotten Sex Pistols crazy about this epidemic that has me in it’s clutches like the 1918 Spanish Influenza.

Could I interest you in this home? Vampires not included

Work: I am twenty-nine years old and work for a Fortune 500 company related to real estate and new construction. Here’s what happens when you are: (Say It Loud) – I’m a TWI-HARD and proud!

While sitting in a model home, in a suit, waiting to sell a splendid house to anyone who walks in my door, I see a younger girl, around twenty-four, with her fiance. I scrutinize her, not to see if she can afford the house, but to see if I notice the, “I’ve read the Twilight Saga and know the world,” look. You know the look… the one where their eyes permanently are subconsciously looking for something Twi related. Maybe it’s a Cullen Crest bumper sticker, a little bottle of liquor, a picture of a lion and a lamb, or anything related to cliff diving and Forks. Their eyes are constantly searching for something Twilight.

When this potential Twi-Hard’s fiance goes to explore the man cave of a basement I look her in the eyes and I see it. Like Edward with a mountain lion, I see the look and ask, “So, did you see New Moon?” SOLD! Another house, another commission, another sale thanks to Twilight. Who wouldn’t trust their sales rep when they talk Twilight to them? The fiance is confused when he comes upstairs from the man cave and the wife explodes that they are going to build a house, like, now.

That's Normal

Work Friends: Then there are my coworkers who know about this reality I live. One of them went to Burger King and left for me the NM cards with the pictures of the cast on the front and discounts to Hot Topic on the back. Her cute little yellow post-it notes that have cupcakes on them (I internally giggle “thank you CWIA”) states: “I saw these and thought of you! Enjoy!”
Yes, they all know. They even knew that Nov 20, 2009 was a huge, take the day off, party like a child, and go see a movie at midnight, event. I received at least 3 emails wishing me good luck amongst the teenagers and to drink lots of “red” wine.
The still-in-the-closet-semi-twi-hard coworkers know that we can giggle secretly about Jacob being too young and Rob, Robert, Edward, Robward, His Holy Hotness, whatever you want to call him, making our panties qualify for a mortgage (weirdo real estate language for panties disintegrating). Suddenly, my inbox is no longer filled with house buying related information but their favorite pictures of HHH in VF.

I highly suggest finding yourself an "out" Twi-hard friend. This is mine...

Friend: *sigh* Yes, I only have one Twi-Hard friend to non-stop talk about this world with BUT she’s very reserved and not “out”. Therefore I went on my hunt for other Twi-Hards and oh, I have found you. Sanity has returned and my serotonin levels are normal because I was afraid that I was loosing it. Now I know, “that’s normal.” Phew.

Family: This one’s a bit tricky. It’s me and my niece’s against the family world! We rule, they suck, and we don’t care that they don’t know what we are gabbing about: Marshmallows, kiss me I’m Irish, does she even like Italian, things like this just don’t happen, they do in my world, fire and powder, my kung fu is strong, face punch, punch face, … it goes on and on… for hours…
Yet, my sister did ask for my advice about my two niece’s iPod touches they were getting for Xmas. Sister wanted to know what Twilight quote to get engraved for each of them. Well, shiz monkey man, that’s a tough freaking question!! I told her, “La Tua Cantante” and “Quil-clout-lay.” It’s perfect, one’s Team Edward and the other Team Jacob. Only those on the inside (obsessed side) would know.

My mother caved and read Twilight. She refuses to continue with the series because, “I just can’t handle the description of kissing those cold, hard, lips…” Good thing I didn’t recommend that she try kissing the ice box for the experience (JK! I have never done that, I swear).

What did I request for myself for Xmas, you ask? Well, I told my husband I wanted a full-size figure of a certain celebrity. He rolled his eyes. I took that as a “yes, of course!”

Thanks LTT for allowing me to express how being out of the Twi-Hard closet had altered my sales skills, work relationships, and familial affairs. Not to mention my total language is forever altered and I’m so chillaxed with the change.

Respectfully,
Vigallmon

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Ashley Greene’s been cheating on Freya

*Join Freya as she pens a letter to Ashley Greene and confronts her about their relationship*

The beginning of a beautiful relationship

Dear LOVAH (I mean, Dear Ashley Greene),

Ever since Twilight, I knew you were the one.  Sure, KStew’s got the pins to DIE for, and Rachelle has that fiery red hair, and even Nikki has that je ne sais quois, but you–you were the one I knew I would go fake lez for.  (I’ve seen the pics of you and Rachelle—I knew you would be down.)  And you have been such a gracious fake lady love.  You were the perfect BFF in Twilight and New Moon, and I felt like we TOTALLY bonded.  Especially when I realized that you was so much less stutter-y than Bella.  I like my to ladies look good, and you did that, too.  Except for the MTV Movie Awards, where clearly you were trying to allow me to shine as I sat at home wearing my sweats.  You were a little sexy, but a little classy, too.  You even filmed that movie with Kellan where you looked slightly “butch” in those sporty clothes.  I figured that was a little wink and a nod to our fake lesbian relationship.

Awwwww pals

It was all going so well.  But now, well, things aren’t going as well as they used to.  I have this feeling, Ashley, that you might be—I hate to even say the words–UNFAITHFUL.  Sure, you’ve always had your brief liaisons; there’s that Followill kid and of course Kellan, but you always managed to make those seem like passing fancies or very close friendships.  But this is serious.  Yes, I think you’ve been CHEATING on me.   With, well…EVERYONE.  I’ve been adding up the evidence, and it is fishy indeed, Ms. Greene–very fishy.

First there were the nudie cell phone pics.  I know they must have been humiliating.  But the first thing I wondered was “who were you taking those for?”  I checked my phone–you definitely weren’t sexting them to me!  I thought that maybe it was a faker–an AshGreene look-a-like porn star, perhaps, prepping for her role in New Poon, but I checked out the evidence (yes, uncensored, don’t judge me!) and indeed, all signs pointed to it really being you (as well as all signs pointing to a fresh waxing–holla!).  I wondered why you took those pictures (and where your hips went to), but decided that maybe you were taking a picture of a suspicious mole for your dermatologist, or testing out a new camera phone right before getting into the shower.  Could happen to anyone, right?

Follow the cut for the rest of Freya’s letter